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#1 of 8 Old 07-05-2005, 05:24 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I hope this doesn't turn out too long or rambling but here goes...

I'm 43, married for 5 yrs w/a beautiful 2 1/2 yr old baby girl. We dated for 6 yrs. Got married after I left him because I was tired of dating and wanted to have a family and time was running out for me. I didn't feel I wrangled him into marriage because I said I'm not mad at you but obviously I've not inspired those feelings in you this far, I don't expect to anytime soon so I need to find the person who does want to share that kind of life with me. 2 wks later he proposed and we married 4 months later. There were definitely issues that concerned me then but at my age I took a leap of faith and hoped for the best.

At first everything was great. I remember I use to drive around and think how lucky I was to have him. I can't even really remember why I thought I was so lucky anymore. My husband is very controlling and he can be verbally abusive fairly regularly. Sometimes once a month, once a week or it can go on vacation for several months after I threaten to leave but it always comes back. He's called me a f**king - b**ch, c**t, wh**re, you name it any filthy name will do. And it has happened in front of my daughter. This only occurred once before we were married but returned when I was pregnant. I am a stay at home Mom. And that had always been our plan. I believe the stress from being the family's sole support is too much for my husband. But then any stress is too much for my husband.

I really did love him before we got married inspite of our differences. They didn't seem to matter. We seemed to compliment one another. It's funny how things change when you have children. My husband and I are very different. He's negative, very conservative, narrow minded, selfish, self- centered. He is like a Jekyl and Hyde because as mean as he can be, he can also be incredibly sweet and kind. I liked his conservativeness because I wanted a strong family man, that believed in commitment, stay at home momes and that type of lifestyle. And we use to have incredible sex and a lot of passion. Needless to say we don't have that now. I know he sounds dreadful and reading this I wonder why did I ever even like him? He doesn't sound likable. And lately taking a good look at myself and our history. I'm saddened by the things he did to me while we were dating and I settled for. Did I have so little self esteem, that I thought I deserved so little from someone who claimed to love me? I won't list them here but I wonder why and how do I not pass that on to my daughter? How do I teach her to not settle for crumbs?

I am a special person. I'm pretty, I have a very nice figure. I'm really smart and artistic. And I've accomplished a lot in my life that I'm proud of. Why did it take having a child and getting to this age before I finally believed these things about myself. Why was I always so critical of myself? But getting to the point.

I know it sounds crazy but I really want to have another baby. I've had 3 mc in the last 12 mos and we're starting our drugs for IVF this week. We've been arguing a lot lately because it's boating season. And since we've had our dau we fight during boating season. We have a lrg, expensive boat, 40 ft. It's beautiful. But I didn't want it. I don't think we can afford it and at this time in our lives I didn't think it was right for us. But my vote didn't count. He's always had a boat but this boat was a substantial upgrade. I'm sure you can imagine what it's like having an active toddler around a harbor. Well it's stressful for me. My husband hardly helps out because he's always on the dock hanging with his friends drinking. I rarely drink. 2 drinks 1 @ on different days in four weekends. Someone needs to have their head on with a toddler near water who can't swim. So we argue when I refuse to come, which I don't understand because the only time he really sees us is when he comes to the boat to grab another beer. We argue when I'm there because I always do something he doesn't like.

My husband is giving me a little bit of a hard time about why were trying to have another child if were so unhappy in our marriage. Which is a valid point. He says he won't give me a divorce. Not because he doesn't want me to take his child but I can't have half his money. So we can live together w/seperate lives. I said if I can't have a divorce why can't I at least have the family I want. I do all the work. I have to give up everything I want? I know it's stupid to bring another child into this marriage but at the same time I'm tired of always doing the right sensible thing. I'm the good girl, who always got straight A's. Always took the right job. And now I just want what I want. I've always been able to achieve anything I've ever really wanted and I think if I have to I could raise two children on my own vs just one. I have an excellent education and good job prospects. Not to mention there's no gaurantee I'll even have a baby. I'm an excellent mom. I really love my daughter. She's so wonderful. Sweet lovely, funny so bright, everything a parent would ever dream of and then some more. We have a great time together. I have a lot of patience and I believe I have a lot to give another child. I just don't have a lot of time to wait and make the right decision. I don't believe in just running to divorce at the first sign of trouble but having children is hard on a marriage. Especially self centered self absorbed men who get jealous of the lost attention. My husband adores my our daughter but big deal he's hardly there for her. Working a billion hours to afford this boat. My husband should never of gotten married, he's not the type but what's done is done. How crazy is it to try and have another child? I'd appreciate all input. I know I'll be the one to decide because my husband would never say no. In his sick way he does love me and wants me to be happy. But what he really wants is me to be happy wanting what he wants. Giving him my adoration, undivided attention and not squandering his money on another child - not when there are more boating supplies to be purchased. Thanks for listening if you're still with me after this long rant.

A nursing, co-sleeping, ap-parenting mom in need of advice.
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#2 of 8 Old 07-05-2005, 05:39 PM
 
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I think you already know this, but you need to get out. Now. He doesn't have to "give" you a divorce. You deserve better. Your daughter deserves better.

get out.

-Angela
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#3 of 8 Old 07-05-2005, 07:29 PM
 
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Is having another child with him worth the way he treats you?

If your daughter were married to this guy, what would you tell her?
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#4 of 8 Old 07-05-2005, 07:47 PM
 
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I'm in a somewhat similar situation, except not verbally abusive - for him it's passive-aggressive behavior. I'm really stuggling with wanting another child, being a sahm & wanting to keep it that way, wanting to homeschool, etc, but our marriage is really deteriorating.

I could have written this
Quote:
Originally Posted by Shrlyjr
...Did I have so little self esteem, that I thought I deserved so little from someone who claimed to love me? I won't list them here but I wonder why and how do I not pass that on to my daughter? How do I teach her to not settle for crumbs?
& I struggle with it constantly. I am trying to model what I want her to be proud of & not settle, but I also want to know that I did everything possible to honor my committment & make this marriage work. I've come to terms with the fact that Hannah may be my only child, even though I think I'm a really good mother & would love to have more children.

Quote:
Originally Posted by the sunshine
...If your daughter were married to this guy, what would you tell her?
I think this is a great question to ask yourself.

I think you already have you answer, as hard as it is to admit to yourself.
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#5 of 8 Old 07-05-2005, 09:56 PM
 
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My thoughts- you shouldn't create another child with this man. If you want to end the marriage, do so and then get pregnant via artifical insemination.

Alicia DH Mike DS Gage Lola & Zeus Fishy Dishy, Charkey and Shark
RIP Sidney 1994-2010 RIP Charlie Brown 2008-2010
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#6 of 8 Old 07-06-2005, 01:49 PM
 
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Quote:
I don't believe in just running to divorce at the first sign of trouble but having children is hard on a marriage.
From what you've posted, this isn't the first sign of trouble but you are just now realizing what happened in the past. The trouble started long before you had your dd.
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#7 of 8 Old 07-06-2005, 05:31 PM
 
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it sounds as if in your heart you now what your path is s

to be honest it sounds like you need to do 2 things, 1, get a divorvce and 2, get a sperm doner, you sound like a wonderful mother who would bless a child by bringing it into your already loving and close family (i mean you and your daughter as even a small family is still a family)
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#8 of 8 Old 07-06-2005, 11:08 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks for all your input. I really appreciate it. A subjective viewpoint jars you into perspective. I know you're right. Especially that my daughter and I are a wonderful family all on our own. I would never want my dau to be with a man like her father. And there are so many things about him I don't want her to pick up and become just by living with them day to day. The negativity - criticizing strangers, everything unkind about him. I wonder what he would think of himself if he just saw a video of how he behaves? I think he'd be ashamed but wouldn't change because that would take an effort. I know what I have to do. Thank you all again.

Shirley
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