Lusting after BIL - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 13 Old 07-05-2005, 06:02 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I'm extremely ashamed of myself, so I'm posting under an alternative name.

DH and I have been together for 6 years. We have 2 children. We got married fairly young, and are religious.

DH's younger brother (4 years younger than me), and DH is that much older than me, is living with us this summer. He & I get along so much better than DH & I do. We hang out every night after the kids are in bed, and DH is either sleeping or glued to the computer/tv. We talk about everything & anything. I have so much fun, and connect much more than DH seems to want to connect to me. DH always seems to busy for me, and when he does pay attention to me it's because he wants sex, and usually annoys the hell out of me (not during sex). DH is always cranky & angry from stress at work. He's not a pleasant person anymore.

I find myself extremely attracted to his brother physically and emotionally. Sometimes I think he might feel similar towards me. We occasionally drink together, and I think if I weren't careful it'd go somewhere it shouldn't. I almost want it to, but I don't want to ruin my children's family and I don't want to get divorced.

I can't make these feelings go away. Lately I feel like I very much want to have an affair, and not just with BIL, but other men I have been attracted to also.

The sickest part is that BIL is a virgin, and that so turns me on. : I don't know why. I've never slept with a virgin before ( DH & I both were experienced before we got married). I feel so disusted with myself. I feel like I need tot alk to someone but can't bring myself to tell anyone. I just need to get this out.

BIL is going to be living here until September.
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#2 of 13 Old 07-05-2005, 06:14 PM
 
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That sure sounds tough. Having an affair, I think, would be a mistake. Esp, one with your BIL! I think you should talk to your dh and tell him how you feel about him spending so much time on the computer/tv. Tell him exactly what you need from him. Maybe some counselling would be a good idea too.
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#3 of 13 Old 07-05-2005, 06:16 PM
 
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i would tell dh. don't tell him about your BIL, but tell him how shut out you feel.

is it possible for BIL to go sooner? i don't think having him around is going to help...
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#4 of 13 Old 07-05-2005, 06:37 PM
 
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It sounds like you're attracted to being with someone who appreciates and shows interest in you more than any specific man. I agree with delicious--talk to your husband and tell him you're feeling distant and ignored. You might want to consider couples therapy as well. Either way, the key is to talk to your husband and not your BIL, who is simply filling an emotional void.
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#5 of 13 Old 07-05-2005, 07:41 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I've considered couples therapy, but I just know DH will want to go to christian couples therapy and I just don't want to feel judged and especially since the people that run the therapy go to our church! I also am afraid of stuff like my crushing on BIL coming out in the open.

BIL can't go sooner, he's working for my DH this summer to save up money, also why he's living with us.

I do tell DH how lonely I feel, and it ALWAYS turns into a massive fight. He says I'm ungrateful for how hard he works to make money, and how he needs to relax (thus spending time on the computer). He's quite anti social about going anywhere but enjoys playing hours upon hours of video games with his college friends. We have little to nothing in common, and when he wants to spend time together its just watching movies or sex. He always seems annoyed by listening to me talk, and usually tunes out or more often than not falls asleep! It's hurtful.

I know we need counselling but I don't know how to go about it. I think maybe I need individual counselling first to figure out what is wrong with me, and then try couples? I don't know.

Everytime I try to talk to DH about my unhappiness he feels attacked (even if I am extremely tacftul in my approach, which isn't always, but often). Then he just gets defensive and nasty.

I feel horrible and confused. DH is so inatentive that he doesn't even notice. He actually said that it was nice that lately I seemed so busy so he didn't have to worry about spending so much time with me, as if it's a chore for him.

I know I need to talk to him but it always turns into a fight.
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#6 of 13 Old 07-05-2005, 07:50 PM
 
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I agree with Miranoron. Even if your husband will not go to counseling with you, you can still go and talk to someone alone , it would probably be a great thing for you. I wish you the best.
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#7 of 13 Old 07-05-2005, 07:54 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ashamedmama
I do tell DH how lonely I feel, and it ALWAYS turns into a massive fight. He says I'm ungrateful for how hard he works to make money, and how he needs to relax (thus spending time on the computer). He's quite anti social about going anywhere but enjoys playing hours upon hours of video games with his college friends. We have little to nothing in common, and when he wants to spend time together its just watching movies or sex. He always seems annoyed by listening to me talk, and usually tunes out or more often than not falls asleep! It's hurtful.


I know I need to talk to him but it always turns into a fight.
That sounds like such an awful way to live. Are you planning to live like this, with Mr. Selfish, forever?
By the way, I think video game addiction is right up there with alchohol or porn addiction. Seriously. It's time to make an ultimatum.Don't know what else to say.... your BIL sounds hot.

But you know what the outcome of THAT would be......


Good luck!
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#8 of 13 Old 07-05-2005, 07:56 PM
 
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No drinking, honey. You can have a soda, but no drinking. Try not to spend time w/ BIL alone. Be cautious, you know he likes you back and he's young and might not have a lot of experience w/ temptation.

You'll be okay, it's just 2 months. Counseling is a great idea, but let's start with the main thing--don't have an affair w/ the BIL!

Divorced mom of one awesome boy born 2-3-2003.
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#9 of 13 Old 07-05-2005, 08:58 PM
 
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I just want to second the advice to minimize your contact with the BIL. It'll hurt in the short term, but the emotional aftermath of an affair is so not worth it.

As someone with a very patchy history with monogamy, I strongly recommend you don't put yourself in the way of temptation. No more drinking together, and minimize your time alone together. If the attraction's at all mutual, someone innocent could quickly turn into something not so innocent, and it's a slippery, slippery slope from there.

Your marriage doesn't sound fun, and I agree that you or both need some counseling and serious communication. I just want you to know that I'm *not* judging (and I'm not very religious at ALL). This isn't a failing of yours -- it's not your fault. Your relationship with your DH seems like it's in trouble, and this is your body's natural way of responding to those kinds of emotional threats. It's just that I know from experience how easy it is to fall into this kind of morass. And although I enjoyed my dalliances while they lasted, the awfulness that comes afterwards was heartbreaking.

Huge hugs to you... stay strong and seek help! You have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of.
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#10 of 13 Old 07-06-2005, 06:12 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ashamedmama
I think maybe I need individual counselling first to figure out what is wrong with me, and then try couples?
I think your husband needs to figure out what is wrong with him. He has his own stresses and problems but chooses to lose himself in video games rather than face up to them. I've been there myself--used to spend 10 hours or more a day just playing video games. It's a way to escape from what seems to be a dreadful existence, but it doesn't solve a damn thing.

Ideally, both of you would get individual therapy and then go on to couples therapy to work through the vital communication issues. His refusal to talk to you would cause problems regardless of his stress levels so that needs to be resolved at some point soon.

Remember we're here for you too.
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#11 of 13 Old 07-06-2005, 08:25 AM
 
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Uh oh... BIL should not be staying at the house. But the real issue is your hubby isn't taking you seriously... I know how you feel... dh did this to me for two years while we lived with my in-laws (with the SIL from hell). Note to all...do not live with your in-laws...ever. Not even BILs you like... especially not BILs you like...

I agree go to counseling, by yourself if you have to.
Good luck!

Mama to my spirited J, and L, my homebirth: baby especially DTaP, MMR (family vax injuries)
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#12 of 13 Old 07-06-2005, 11:23 PM
 
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Could it be that the crush on BIL isn't so much about him as it is about seeing the parts you love(d) about DH in him? If your DH and BIL are as much alike as mine are, I can see how it would be easy to "fall in love" with BIL because you want to love DH (especially with that lustful in-the-beginning kind of love) again.

I agree with the PPs: limit exposure to BIL; work on relationship with DH.

It always helps me to fall in love with DH again to share a trip down memory lane with him. The remember-whens over a dinner for jsut the two of you might help. And, heck, BIL can babysit! He's there anyway, right? :LOL
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#13 of 13 Old 07-07-2005, 02:37 AM
 
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Oh, man! How difficult! If your DH is shutting out out, I'd consider coming clean. Tell him that you are becoming attracted to other men, and that this is a result of emotional starvation at home.

That might wake him up. Better to fight it out now than wind up having an even more damaging affair with his brother.

Can you organize the counseling of YOUR choice? It WOULD be hard to admit all this to church friends, and, IME, pastoral counseling is less than confidential.

The video game thing would drive me insane. Seriously. My friend's husband is like that-- works 12 hours a day, and spends another five hours on the damned Xbox.

She's cheated on him; but he's too busy playing games to notice. It's not making her happy, either-- she wants her husband, not the loser she's screwing around with.
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