men's minds- other woman vs. their wives - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 12 Old 07-06-2005, 03:54 AM - Thread Starter
 
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When I was growing up, my dad was the kind of guy who couldn't let a pretty girl pass by without comenting on it. My brothers had pornos lying around, girly pics on the walls, etc. My whole family ate at Hooters, etc, etc, etc... Once I even remember my dad taking us somewhere where my brothers actually gave a girl $ to dance on a table (yes, we went there as a family)!

So I grew up with this unconscious view of that is what a woman is, yk? When I was like 15-19, I dressed provocatively, flirted, got a LOT of attention from guys/men. I had the 'prefect' body and didn't really think about it yet.

Then at 20, I got married and at 21 had a baby. Now at 27 and three babys total, I am still with the same great guy. (We actually first got together when I was 14 and he was 15.) So anyway, now my body is not what it is was. I am still okay- no huge stretch marks or weight gains, just had three DC, yk? I am no longer the 'perfect' image woman I grew up being told was all that.

So now I have this problem with myself. I see myself- my body- almost like damaged goods. Like a broken arm or something, something neither DH or I like, but something that we have to deal with because that's reality. I think he just does *that* (not sure what I san say here) with me, because I am his wife and he doesn't want to cheat. I think he would rather do that with a 18 year old perky young thing, because I was just conditioned to believe that's how the male mind works.

So, here I think that DH is only with me *physicially* (not emotionially or marriage-wise) because that's the 'good' and 'right' thing for him to do. Am I just that messed up from my childhood? Do most men prefer their wives or would they rather be with a young hottie when it comes time for *that*?

Now, just for the record, DH and I have a great relationship- in all areas, emotionially, and even physicially- it is really good.
He never makes me feel bad about myself or my body. He acts like I still look the same as always. This is all my issue.
What do you think? :
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#2 of 12 Old 07-06-2005, 05:41 AM
 
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Some men, the superficial womanizing ones, are going to prefer the young hottie. I think you are right on target when you wonder if you are messed up from your childhood. It sounds like you were taught that a woman's worth is directly related to her physicality. I think you should look into therapy or start reading some good self-help books about self-esteem.

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#3 of 12 Old 07-06-2005, 06:02 AM
 
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I bet you're more beautiful than you were before the babies came-- you're a grownup woman, not a teenager.

Your husband's body has probably made some changes over the years, too.

I agree, this issue is a product of sexist family dynamics.
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#4 of 12 Old 07-06-2005, 06:29 AM
 
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Originally Posted by alicia622
Some men, the superficial womanizing ones, are going to prefer the young hottie.
as the saying goes "old carabaos eat younger grass"
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#5 of 12 Old 07-06-2005, 06:43 AM
 
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I am very sorry that you are having to deal with this...I also grew up in similar circumstances, though not quite as extreme. It's not surprising that you would have some issues and difficulty dealing with the changes in your body.

In my opinion, that is a form of sexual abuse and it sucks. Is there a counsellor nearby that you can talk to about it?
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#6 of 12 Old 07-06-2005, 10:08 AM
 
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I am very sorry that you are having to deal with this...I also grew up in similar circumstances, though not quite as extreme. It's not surprising that you would have some issues and difficulty dealing with the changes in your body.

In my opinion, that is a form of sexual abuse and it sucks. Is there a counsellor nearby that you can talk to about it?
I totally agree. I was raised in a very sexually explicit environment and I have to say it messed me up big time.

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#7 of 12 Old 07-06-2005, 10:28 AM
 
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I have to agree that growing up like that does screw you up (I am one of the "club"). I asked my DH about it once because, well, I am sooooooooo far from the "should be" image that I was inundated with as a child (no way near perfect, overweight, bad skin, etc).

After a few seconds of looking confused, he asked me what he did or said that made me ask that question. I said nothing but you know I am not missy model perfect, etc. and he said well, even if he cared (and he doesn't) about what any other woman looks like, when it comes time for *THAT* there is so little blood in mens brains (or eyes) that they just see what ever they want to see. May sound not very polite but you gotta know his sense of humor. After that discussion I have never had another day of self-consciousness around him. I really think that most guys (and women too) when they love someone, don't really see all the "details" on their spouse. They are used to us. They don't notice a couple extra pounds, a few more curves, a wrinkle, or a gray hair. They see the woman they married, the one who takes care of them, loves them, mothers their children, leans on them when she needs to, etc.

The kinds of guys you grew up and are thinking all men are like are the idiots of the world and like most idiots they tend to seem like the majority because they are so GLARINGLY obvious.
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#8 of 12 Old 07-06-2005, 12:48 PM
 
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if this is efecting how you relateto your dh I suggest you rmay need counseling before it blooms into something bigger.

i think it woul dbe a drag if someone didn't trust me or think highly enough of me to assume that I thought greatly of them when I hadn't given them any indication to think otherwise. Sorry to be so blunt but your dad and your brothers are pigs. to project that image on a dh who has never shown a hint of that (and I am assuming so disregard if he is like your dad and bros) is so unfair to him and is bound to weigh heavily on him. it would be like everyone assuming yuo wanted to beat your kids even thoguh you don't/ like just under the surface you were just dying to smack them a few times. offensive huh? but that is pretty much what you are doing to your dh. you are accusing him of putting up a good front because he knows what is right but just under the surface the person he really is must be a pig.

you admitted these were your issues and I would say the way you were treated was border line abuse and I DO NOT throw that around lightly but girlsy clubs are no place for children and even hooters is questionable. you should not have been exposed to that growing up and it has truely warped your image of the average man. i am so sorry that happened. i think counseling would not only help you release your dh from being the bad guy but help you love and embrace your body in all its glorious momminess. if I could say all the good things about my body that you did I would be in heaven. unfotunately I am 75 pounds and one big solid stretchmark (I won't even mentino my boobs) away from the woman my dh married. and very little of it has to do with child birth.

The truest answer to violence is love. The truest answer to death is life. The only prevention for violence is for the heart to have no violence within it.  We cannot prevent evil through any system devised by mankind. But we can grapple with evil and defeat it, but only with love—real love.

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#9 of 12 Old 07-06-2005, 01:12 PM
 
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I'm so sorry you're going through this. I didn't grow up in that kind of environment at all, but I still have the same kind of body-image issues. It's gotten better, though, as dh has been completely consistent in loving and admiring me ("MMM...come here, you yummy girl!" :LOL ) even though I'm a far cry from most people's idea of beauty (over 200 lb , hairy as can be, thunder thighs, flabby arms, saggy mommy-belly, and saggy off kilter breasts-eek, I sound a fright, don't I! )

If you're unable to trust your husband's love, then you probably need counselling. In the meantime, please make sure you're not treating your hubby like you think he's a shallow jerk, because of projecting what you grew up with onto him. He sounds like a great guy and it's good to acknowledge and build up a guy like that.
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#10 of 12 Old 07-06-2005, 08:29 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thank you guys so much. That was exactly what I needed to hear.
(For some reason I was afraid I was going to come back and be getting 'in trouble.' Like "oh, get over it. That's how the world is" or something.)

Lilyka, your post brought tears to my eyes. I never thought I could be making *him* feel bad about this, but I totally see what you are saying. You are so right.

My DH is a great guy and he really deserves more credit from me.


Well, I have a lot to think about. I don't think it's really affecting our relationship too much... I mean the only thing that's happening outwardly is I shut the lights off when we are together. This is just my own thing in my own head, and just hearing that not all men think like that is a big relief to me.
I am so thankful to have a body that is healthy, functioning, able to nurse and give birth... I feel guilty about not appreciating it more, and need to work on it.
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#11 of 12 Old 07-07-2005, 02:18 AM
 
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I agree with the other ladys. Also if you listen to country, well even if you don't.....You need to listen to Trace Adkins One Hot Mama.

http://www.hit-country-music-lyrics....dkins-hot.html

I was going through a negitave self image time when that song came out. I won't embarrass my dh about what he did with that song but ................ He made things click about him not wanting who I use to be and loving who I am. :LOL
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#12 of 12 Old 07-07-2005, 08:04 AM
 
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I love that song. Dh would be like if he heard it (he doesn't "get" country :LOL ), but it expresses his point of view exactly. I think it's lovely. That and "Another day in paradise".
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