Wife is not obligated to have sex with her husband. - Page 2 - Mothering Forums

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Old 07-06-2005, 09:35 PM
 
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World of difference between enterting a relationship assuming sex will be a part of it, and having sex be obligatory to or from either person in that relationship.

I entered my marriage assuming DH was a licensed driver who could and would drive our car, for example. But if he should unexpectedly become afraid to drive, for example, or his eyesight fail or for any other reason he's not comfortable driving? I'm not gonna flog him with "obligation" to force him to do it. Likewise, even while he's perfectly capable of driving there are times he doesn't feel like it and I have no right to force him into it.
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Old 07-06-2005, 09:38 PM
 
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Originally Posted by skueppers
Also, I think that a lot of women can "fall out of the habit" of having sex, and that sometimes, the key to wanting sex is having sex. So I do think that it can be worthwhile to have sex sometimes when you don't feel like it, because you might be pleasantly surprised -- and you might find that you want more sex tomorrow. I also think that a big part of sex is in the mind, so changing the way you think can change the way you feel.
I totally know what you mean. Sometimes, after a dry spell, just 'getting started'...um...gets things going. During these times I've said to dh...in the moment, "WHY don't we do this more often?!?" and he laughs...awwww
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Old 07-06-2005, 09:43 PM
 
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Originally Posted by girlndocs
World of difference between enterting a relationship assuming sex will be a part of it, and having sex be obligatory to or from either person in that relationship.

I entered my marriage assuming DH was a licensed driver who could and would drive our car, for example. But if he should unexpectedly become afraid to drive, for example, or his eyesight fail or for any other reason he's not comfortable driving? I'm not gonna flog him with "obligation" to force him to do it. Likewise, even while he's perfectly capable of driving there are times he doesn't feel like it and I have no right to force him into it.
I see your point, sweet girlndocs....I just dunno if this comparison is apt. There is always public or private transportation...which I pray my Neal is never 'driven' to .
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Old 07-06-2005, 09:47 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Alliwenk
During these times I've said to dh...in the moment, "WHY don't we do this more often?!?"
:LOL I say that pretty much every time.

girlndocs, there is a world of difference between having sex and driving. I get your point, though. But driving just isn't an integral part of a relationship (unless you're really weird.)
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Old 07-06-2005, 09:50 PM
 
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Lots of different thoughts floating around out here.

No one is every obligated to have sex with anyone else. A woman has the right to do what she wishes with her body.

From everything I have ever seen (okay, mainly Oprah shows and various magainze articles), men don't cheat simply because their wife isn't putting out. They cheat because the affair makes them feel better about themselves. But I actually don't think it matters one way or another - the thought of having sex with my dh to keep him from cheating on me is enough to make me barf, on many different levels.

But about feeling obligated within an otherwise healthy, loving marriage? I think this is a murky topic. In fact, I asked this in a thread on here awhile back. Dh has a much higher sex drive than I do. Well, if I were able to relax and lay around and take of myself all day long, I would have a higher sex drive. But at the end of the day, the last thing I want is someone else touching all over me. If the kids are asleep or otherwise occupied, I would much rather have that hour to myself, to read a book, lay on the couch, surf the web, what have you. And dh is a very helpful husband - he cooks, he cleans, he changes diapers, he watches the kids while I have dinner with a friend, etc. So it has nothing to do with being resentful of him not helping - he pulls his weight around here, no question about it.

So this could go on for months, and I start to feel like it's really not fair to dh. Then I do start to feel obligated, which I hate. But I do start to feel for dh how frustrating it must be for him. So I force myself to just do it sometimes, even when I don't feel like I want to. And the vast majority of the time, I end up very much enjoying myself, and I'm always glad I did.

So while I would never agree that a wife is obligated to have sex with her husband, I think like other aspects of a marriage, there needs to be some give and take, some compromise, and some understanding about what your spouse needs from you, whether that is sex or a shoulder to lean on.
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Old 07-06-2005, 10:17 PM
 
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I keep wondering how you can force a man into having sex if he doesn't want to. Even if a man felt an obligation to have sex with his wife or partner, I can't figure how he could if the desire just wasn't there. A woman, OTOH, can participate even if she's not all that thrilled to be doing it.

ITA that sex is no fun if anyone is doing it out of obligation. For me, it's a heck of a lot healthier to accept the way my relationship with dh has evolved rather than to feel resentful all the time that he's not interested in sex.
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Old 07-06-2005, 11:28 PM
 
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I don't think I am obligated to have sex with my husband whenever he wants. I do think sex is a part of a healthy/good relationship so in a sense in order to have that close connection- sex needs to happen. I have a kind of low sex drive so I have been known to do the deed when I didn't feel like it because I KNOW it's important. Luckily, I usually get into it so it works out fine.

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Old 07-06-2005, 11:31 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Verity
I keep wondering how you can force a man into having sex if he doesn't want to. Even if a man felt an obligation to have sex with his wife or partner, I can't figure how he could if the desire just wasn't there. A woman, OTOH, can participate even if she's not all that thrilled to be doing it.
I think the difference is that for men (at least what we are told) sex is about the physical aspect. So a man can get aroused and physically particiapte but not be wanting to emotionally, therefore having sex out of an obligation.

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Old 07-07-2005, 02:19 AM
 
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Originally Posted by Verity
I keep wondering how you can force a man into having sex if he doesn't want to. Even if a man felt an obligation to have sex with his wife or partner, I can't figure how he could if the desire just wasn't there. A woman, OTOH, can participate even if she's not all that thrilled to be doing it.
I wanted to clarify what I posted upthread about Jewish legal concepts of men's obligation to women in marriage. Here the rabbis were trying to give men guidelines, not to give women the right to force men to have sex!

The rabbis were trying to address the sexist imbalance of Jewish society (an imbalance that they also cemented, but that's a different issue!) It's clear that in Jewish law, men have more control in marriage, and that women are at a disadvantage. I think they felt that it was only fair that women, who risked their lives in childbirth, have control over whether or not to have children, and that they also have the right to expect that their husbands would aid them in having children. (Since the rabbis assumed that women want children.) They also made the commandment "be fruitful and multiply" incumbent on men alone, and not on women--again I suppose because of the risk of childbirth and the assumed desire of women for children.

The rabbinic assumption is that women do NOT give up their right to say no to sex when they agree to get married, and that we do not give up our right to physical integrity.

Okay now I have that all out of my system, I have to figure out what it has to do with my current ideas about marriage for everyone, not only those of us who come from this religious/cultural tradition.

For me, marriage has to be an egalitarian proposition, or what's the point? It's one of the many reasons I am in favor of the normalization of gay marriage. In addition to being a matter of simple justice, gay marriage is the last step in reconstructing marriage as a companionate union of equals rather than an acquisition of property and chattel.

I also have feelings about sex. But it's hard for me to gear up and talk about them here.

Divorced mom of one awesome boy born 2-3-2003.
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Old 07-07-2005, 02:29 AM
 
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Originally Posted by Verity
I keep wondering how you can force a man into having sex if he doesn't want to. Even if a man felt an obligation to have sex with his wife or partner, I can't figure how he could if the desire just wasn't there. A woman, OTOH, can participate even if she's not all that thrilled to be doing it.

ITA that sex is no fun if anyone is doing it out of obligation. For me, it's a heck of a lot healthier to accept the way my relationship with dh has evolved rather than to feel resentful all the time that he's not interested in sex.

Because a man's penis is erect it doesn't mean he wants it. A women can be very lubercated yet not want sex. (the two are same concept) That is why many male sex abuse victems have major issues. Society teaches because a man penis is up they must wanted sex, this is no so!

The clearest examples is the captures over in Iraq. There are plenty of pictures of the men with erections because they were told to get it hard, get off, et. Do you really think they recieve much pleaser from their forced erections and masterbation?
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Old 07-07-2005, 03:08 AM
 
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I wish my husband were obligated to give it up on demand! But he's not, and I accept this.

In our relationship, I'm the one with the drive, and I know he will sometimes work a little harder to please me, instead of leaving me out in the cold.

My first husband declined to have sex more than once a month. I left so fast there were skidmarks. At some point, an able-bodied spouse needs to give it up, even if they haven't been "in the mood" for awhile.

Whenever I read posts by someone who hasn't had sex since the baby was born, and that baby is over six months old, I'm quite a bit more sympathetic to the husband.
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Old 07-07-2005, 03:17 AM
 
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I am not sure when marital rape became a crime in the United States. The existence of prosecution for marital rape indicates that our culture has turned away from the idea that married women do not have the right to physical integrity.
But not for the military. Under the Uniform Code of Military Justice (UCMJ), they define rape, as forcing sex on someone who is not your spouse.

There is a general catch-all, "you done bad" law they'd get you on, but it wouldn't be rape under the ucmj, if they're married.

That pisses me off.
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