Wife is not obligated to have sex with her husband. - Mothering Forums

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Old 07-06-2005, 05:35 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I would like to hear from those that think this: Wives are not obligated to have sex with their husbands.

I must have been raised thinking otherwise, and I hear throughout the media that we ARE obligated.

Tell me why we are NOT obligated!
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Old 07-06-2005, 05:45 PM
 
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Sex is always a choice, not an obligation IMO. I don't think that anyone is ever obligated to have sex with another person.

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Old 07-06-2005, 05:51 PM
 
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I'm not obligated to have sex with dh, but I sure do like to oblige, and he so does he.

I once dated a guy for several years who used sex as a bargaining chip, i.e. he would withhold sex to "maintain power in the relationship". These were his words. I cheated on him when he started withholding sex for silly control freak reasons. Still, it was his perogative not to have sex, and unfortunately I felt it was my perogative to seek intimacy with someone liked to express love as I did. The unfortunate part was that realtionship was dishonest, and hence doomed. Plus he started doing heroin, and I didn't want a relationship with an active junkie. I'm long out of both relationships.

I'm sure there are wonderful, loving, honest martial relationships that don't involve sex, and most likely the rules were set long in advance.

If illness prevents sexual relationships there are ways to still be intimate.

I guess my answer is no one is required to have sex with a spouse, just as you are not required to love your spouse. Honesty and fair play are required, however.

maybe that's not what you're talking about?
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Old 07-06-2005, 05:56 PM
 
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The thinking that wives are obligated to be sexually available to their husbands stems from the idea that wives are their husbands' property and has no place in an equal partnership, IMO.
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Old 07-06-2005, 06:01 PM
 
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A wife is not obligated any more than a husband is. Your body is YOURS and you can choose to use it as you wish; no one has the right to force their body onto yours and vice versa.

No one is entitled to sex. Period.
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Old 07-06-2005, 06:37 PM
 
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I completely disagree with that statement, Marriage is a partnership that should be 50/50. No one should be forced into anything especially if it concerns their body. I'd like to see me DH try to tell me that statement once I guarantee you I'd be : .
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Old 07-06-2005, 06:42 PM
 
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I’ve never heard that wives are obligated to have sex with their husbands. Regardless, I definitely disagree. Why? Because no one is obligated to have sex ~ ever.

Mama to DD September 2001 and DD April 2011 *Winner for most typos* eat.gif
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Old 07-06-2005, 06:52 PM
 
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I have a hard time imagining, although I'm sure there are, mothers coaching there young daughters to stay abstinent for there husband and then telling them it is their duty and obligation to make sure that he is satisfied, no questions asked, even if the wives/ young girls aren't willing.
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Old 07-06-2005, 06:57 PM
 
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I don't believe anyone is ever obligated to have sex.

However, I feel sex should never be used to hurt your partner either. (He doesn't take the trash out....so no sex for him! )

Mama to 9 so far:Mother of Joey (20), Dominick (13), Abigail (11), Angelo (8), Mylee (6), Delainey (3), Colton (2) and Baby 8 and Baby 9 coming sometime in July 2013.   If evolution were true, mothers would have three arms!

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Old 07-06-2005, 07:05 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by darkpear
The thinking that wives are obligated to be sexually available to their husbands stems from the idea that wives are their husbands' property and has no place in an equal partnership, IMO.
I agree. It's an old fashioned idea from a time when women didn't have control over their lives.

Single mom of 2 boys
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Old 07-06-2005, 07:24 PM
 
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I think there's a mutual obligation to work out the problem if a couple's sex life goes down the tubes. That is...if I've committed to a monogamous relationship, and the man has also made that commitment, then I think we're mutually obligated to work out something in the bedroom (or living room or kitchen or... :LOL ) that's satisfactory to both of us.

But, a wife obligated to have sex with her husband, just because he's in the mood?? No way! And, I can't imagine why he'd want her to! Who wants sex with someone who doesn't want sex with them...especially if you supposedly love each other??

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Old 07-06-2005, 07:30 PM
 
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It is my body. I decide what happens with it.

And obligatory sex doesn't sound like fun for anyone.
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Old 07-06-2005, 07:51 PM
 
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I feel I'm obligated to be honest with SO, and if that means be honest about not wanting sex, etc, then so be it.

It cuts both ways though.

I'm in a relationship where I have a much higher sex drive than SO, and it causes issues. He has admitted that on occasion he has felt obligated to have sex with me. Talk about an eye-opener!!!

I'm sorry, but if my SO is feeling like he HAS to have sex with me, I simply do not want it. IMO, that's a HUGE sign that's something terribly wrong in the relationship and needs working on ASAP!!
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Old 07-06-2005, 08:00 PM
 
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In Jewish law, women are not obligated to have sex with their husbands, but men are obligated to satisfy their wives. The rabbis of the Talmud even made a chart of how often men in different professions should be expected to have sexual intercourse. (It was dependent on how physically taxing the job was, whether they would be away from home--like sailors, for example--and that kind of thing.)

Yeah, but just try to enforce it! :LOL

I am not sure when marital rape became a crime in the United States. The existence of prosecution for marital rape indicates that our culture has turned away from the idea that married women do not have the right to physical integrity.

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Old 07-06-2005, 08:01 PM
 
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I think its always a choice for both sides.

Although when we get married there is a certain implication that sex will be a part of our marriage. It really should be a part of a healthy marriage as it seems to have renewing aspects for both man and woman.

Mom of a 7 yr old, 4 yr old, and 1 yr old. Wow. How did that happen?
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Old 07-06-2005, 08:02 PM
 
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I think obligatory sex is dangerously close to rape and has no place in a healthy relationship.
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Old 07-06-2005, 08:10 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mamao'two
Although when we get married there is a certain implication that sex will be a part of our marriage.
Yes, this is really what I'm talking about here.

Dr. Laura <ducking> has that book The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands which suggests that it's our responsibility to have sex with our husbands. I think her view probably reflects the "Christian" view with which I was raised.

I've heard from a friend, and others that if one doesn't have sex with their dh, then plan on being cheated on.

Yes, in an ideal healthy marriage, both dh and dw would want sex with one another. But what if one doesn't (dw)?
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Old 07-06-2005, 08:11 PM
 
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I found a site after a short google that showed me when marital rape became a crime in the US:

http://www.thecriminologist.com/new_...rital_rape.asp

Two relevant quotes:

Quote:
The traditional definition of rape in the United States most commonly was, 'sexual intercourse with a female not his wife without her consent' (Barshis, 1983, p. 383). As Finkelhor and Yllo (1985) have argued, this provides husbands with an exemption from prosecution for raping their wives. In effect, 'a license to rape' (see Druker, 1979; Eskow, 1996; and Sitton, 1993, for a discussion of the marital exemption). The foundation of this exemption can be traced back to statements made by Sir Matthew Hale, Chief Justice in 17th century England. Hale wrote, "The husband cannot be guilty of a rape committed by himself upon his lawful wife, for by their mutual matrimonial consent and contract, the wife hath given herself in kind unto the husband which she cannot retract" (quoted in Russell, 1990, p.17).
In this definition, rape is defined by lack of consent, and wives have consented to sex forever when they got married. When did this common law understanding shift? Hold on to your hat!

Quote:
On July 5, 1993, marital rape became a crime in all 50 states, under at least one section of the sexual offenses code. In 17 states and the District of Columbia, there are no exemptions from rape prosecution granted to husbands. However, in 33 states, there are still some exemptions given to husbands from rape prosecution.
Apparently in some states, if a wife cannot consent (is asleep or unconscious for example!) the husband is allowed to presume consent!

So we have a ways to go!

Divorced mom of one awesome boy born 2-3-2003.
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Old 07-06-2005, 08:25 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by AmyMN
I've heard from a friend, and others that if one doesn't have sex with their dh, then plan on being cheated on.

Yes, in an ideal healthy marriage, both dh and dw would want sex with one another. But what if one doesn't (dw)?
So, what if DW wanted it, and DH didn't? Should he prepare to be cheated on too? Or is it that it's just more 'okay' for a man to cheat if he's not getting as much sex as he wants?

Honestly, I have issues with the fact that it seems OK for a man to want more sex than his wife, but once a wife wants more sex, that's just not as OK, and she should be compliant, period.

If HE wants more sex than her, she 'should' give him more. If HE wants less sex than her, she 'should' just twiddle her thumbs waiting for him to want it?

Silliness.

I know that's not what this topic is about, but it really makles you think. To those that are saying if a woman doesn't give her husband sex, she should be prepared to be cheated on, honestly, I'd like your view on that SAME quote with the sexes switched....

Should a MAN be obligated to have sex with his wife??
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Old 07-06-2005, 08:27 PM
 
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sex should never be obligatory- how pleasurable are "obligations"?

it seems to me that the men who make their wives feel "obligated" are the least likely to get any...

I do believe partners should want each other sexually in a healthy relationship- if a man wants more sex, well make it more pleasurable for the woman...when you both want it all the time the whole concept of obligation goes out the window

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Old 07-06-2005, 08:31 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MomBirthmomStepmom
Should a MAN be obligated to have sex with his wife??
Well, as I poSTED ABOVE, (NOT SHOUTING, TODDLER KEEPS PRESSING CAPS LOCK AND I GIVE UP!) IN JEWISH LAW, MEN ARE OBLIGATED TO HAVE SEX AND MARRIED WOMEN ARE NOT.

THIS REALLY LOOKS FUNNY, I HOPE TO HAVE TIME TO COME BACK AND EDIT LATER. WS

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Old 07-06-2005, 08:33 PM
 
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hehe Ya know, part of me thinks 'wow, that's good in theory'... But, I also just don't agree that anyone should be obligated...ya know?

I just wonder how the people who feel that women are obligated, would feel if the roles were reversed ya know?!

Oh, and I always have a kid hitting the cap lock on me too :P
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Old 07-06-2005, 08:42 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mamao'two
I think its always a choice for both sides.

Although when we get married there is a certain implication that sex will be a part of our marriage. It really should be a part of a healthy marriage as it seems to have renewing aspects for both man and woman.
I agree with this. And I dislike it being called an "obligation." I think that this term is perjorative and colors the question....as well as the act.

e.g. Am I 'obligated'? No. Do I sometimes do it when I'm not in the mood just because I know it will bring us closer and fulfill a need of dh's? Yup. I married a good and loving man that has never made me feel 'obligated' to do jack.
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Old 07-06-2005, 08:46 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mamao'two
I think its always a choice for both sides.

Although when we get married there is a certain implication that sex will be a part of our marriage. It really should be a part of a healthy marriage as it seems to have renewing aspects for both man and woman.
Not everyone has the same idea of a 'healthy marriage'. To some, it may be perfectly healthy to not have sex. Who are we to judge, eh?

Anyway, the point is, what's 'healthy' in your mind, doesn't mean couples that see 'healthy' in a different light are 'UNhealthy'..

(that made sense, right?!? lol)
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Old 07-06-2005, 08:49 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MomBirthmomStepmom
I just wonder how the people who feel that women are obligated, would feel if the roles were reversed ya know?!
That's a good question. And it's certainly not me that's saying these things. It's what I'm being told (it's my obligation to do it).

I can only speak for myself (a wife). It's not that I have a low sex drive. I'm just not attracted to my dh and I'm feeling really, really guilty about it. (Also, my dh isn't telling me it's my obligation. He's given up asking for it. And we have such poor communication that we never talk about it.)
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Old 07-06-2005, 08:52 PM
 
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I think that she means "healthy" in the sense of what the couple agrees upon. Not what others think that a couple should do. I can picture a "healthy" sexless marriage...as long as both parties agree. kwim?
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Old 07-06-2005, 08:56 PM
 
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Originally Posted by alliwenk
I think that she means "healthy" in the sense of what the couple agrees upon. Not what others think that a couple should do. I can picture a "healthy" sexless marriage...as long as both parties agree. kwim?
Thanks! That made much better sense to me... :LOL

I'm honestly enjoying this discussion
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Old 07-06-2005, 08:58 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by AmyMN
That's a good question. And it's certainly not me that's saying these things. It's what I'm being told (it's my obligation to do it).

I can only speak for myself (a wife). It's not that I have a low sex drive. I'm just not attracted to my dh and I'm feeling really, really guilty about it. (Also, my dh isn't telling me it's my obligation. He's given up asking for it. And we have such poor communication that we never talk about it.)
*hugs*

Nothing really to add, just hoping you are doing okay on a whole
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Old 07-06-2005, 09:28 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by AmyMN
It's what I'm being told (it's my obligation to do it).

I can only speak for myself (a wife). It's not that I have a low sex drive. I'm just not attracted to my dh and I'm feeling really, really guilty about it. (Also, my dh isn't telling me it's my obligation. He's given up asking for it. And we have such poor communication that we never talk about it.)
I would say your obligation lies in trying to open up communication and in figuring out why you're not attracted to your dh (assuming you once were.) I don't think anyone is obligated to have sex, but as others have said, there's an understanding (in most marriages, not all,) that sex will be a part of the relationship. I can't speak for others, but in the context of my marriage, I am obligated to work at the relationship and ensure that we are both getting what we need (not always possible, but the effort is the obligation.)
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Old 07-06-2005, 09:29 PM
 
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Hmm. It seems to me that for most couples, sex is an important part of marriage, and that it's reasonable for spouses to assume that they will have sex with each other (unless the couple in question has mutually agreed otherwise).

Also, I think that a lot of women can "fall out of the habit" of having sex, and that sometimes, the key to wanting sex is having sex. So I do think that it can be worthwhile to have sex sometimes when you don't feel like it, because you might be pleasantly surprised -- and you might find that you want more sex tomorrow. I also think that a big part of sex is in the mind, so changing the way you think can change the way you feel.

It also seems to me that in a healthy relationship, people try to resolve the issues between them -- and that when one person wants to have sex considerably more often than the other, that's a potentially serious relationship issue.

On the other hand, I don't think anyone should ever feel like they're having sex because it's their "duty" or "obligation".

So in response to the original poster, yes, I think your husband has a reasonable expectation that his wife will want to have sex with him sometimes, and I think it's worth exploring ways to increase your desire to have sex with him. Not because it's your "duty," but because it will likely be good for your marriage in the long run -- which is good for both of you, and for any children that you have.

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