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07-07-2005, 07:53 AM
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Hello again, Tom here. I thought I would just share some of my thoughts and feelings. I don't want to sound like I am "making a case" for anything here. Upon reflection, some of my first post sounded defensive , and I want to avoid that tone.
I want to tell you how much I love my wife. I am in love with her. I am deeply committed to her. I believe in her, even when she does not believe in herself. I encouraged her to go back to college, to complete a degree, because I think she has a lot to give. I think she is far more loving than she wants to believe. I think it hurts to love that much. I think she is the most beautiful woman in the world. I trust her with my very life and with the lives of our two precious children. And I don't think that makes me a doormat, I think trust is what marriage is.
I have gone to great lengths to change the way I behave in order to help her feel happy, safe, and loved. I know I still have things to work on, but I have admitted where I need to change, and I am taking concrete steps to bring about these changes. I'm willing to do more. I'm willing to do whatever it takes. I still believe we can work it out.
Having said all that, if she doesn't want to be a mother, all this affair stuff is really beside the point. Only she can decide what the right thing to do is.
I want her to be happy. I told her that the girls and I would miss her terribly if she left, but that we would be okay. I am just turning this whole thing over to the care of whatever-you-wanna-call-it. We will always have a relationship of some kind, whatever form it takes. I'm willing to go to great lengths to work things out, but I am also willing to accept it if she doesn't want to work things out. It really is up to her what she wants to do with her life.
In a strange way, it was kind of a relief to hear about this deep and basic issue about mothering. For so long, I have felt like I am bending over backwards to make her happy, and it never seemed to be enough. It all makes more sense now. That's not to say that I have no part in her unhappiness, but it has been very healthy for me to detach myself from feeeling responsible for her emotional state. It causes nothing but more trouble when I try to "read" her feelings or (god help me) "fix" the way she feels.
I am just going to keep doing the best I can to be the best father I can, the best husband I can, and let her figure out what the hell she wants to do.
My tears are for my precious, beautiful children. They are the most beautiful girls in the world, and I don't know what it would do to them if their mother left. Still, I don't want her to stay out of some "guilt trip". I want her to do what is going to make her life meaningful and fulfilling. If parenting is not her path, so be it. For myself, I have known since the first moment that i held my first child that I am a father, that i will always be a father, that it is the single most important aspect of my identity from here on, that everything I have been through up to this point has been so that I can be a good father to these children. I accept that not everyone feels that way, but I can't imagine it any other way.
I feel great compassion and sorrow for my beloved partner right now. She is going through so much, she is in so much pain. I hope she can find some peace soon.
As for me, the waiting is really hard, but I don't want to rush her, either. I want her to make the "right" decision, I just have to remember that I don't know what the "right" decision is for her. Only her higher self knows that. Part of me wishes that she would just decide so I could make plans, but in the grand scheme of things, a few months is really nothing. I can wait, and give her the time and space she needs to be true to herself. I do not want to force the issue, but I did say that she has to decide. I have made my choice. I have a family. I am committed to my family, for the rest of my life. Our relationship may be altered drastically, but we will always be connected.
We celebrated our fourth wedding anniversary last week. I couldn't find a card that said what I wanted at the last minute (I'm a last minute person, drives her nuts), so I wrote her a message in a blank card shaped like a chicken (because she is so fond of chickens):
Four years ago
I told the world
I will always love you
Many things have changed
But not that
I will always