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What would you do if your dh were smoking pot?

2K views 38 replies 27 participants last post by  ellery 
#1 ·
my dh is a SAHD. i suspect he's smoking marijuana. i just found some (ok i was looking) after he suddenly decided to go out for house paint we don't need until next week.

i told him i don't want this in my house for legal reasons. i could lose my professional license. plus its the money from my pay check he's spending... not to mention all the other reasons based on being a responsible adult role model.

the worst part is he's a fibber. lies all the time about stupid dumb stuff so i 'won't get mad'. this irritates me to no end. i just want a grown up, mutualy satisfying relationship. i'm beginning to think that's not going to happen.

so what do i do?
 
#2 ·
I would:
* Make him do it elsewhere.
* Explain to him that we could lose our children if he had it in the house.
* Check up on him to make sure he wasn't bringing it home.

I wouldn't leave him or end the marriage. It doesn't seem like the kind of situation where your kids would benefit from losing their dad.
 
#3 ·
Quote:
Originally posted by Lea
i could lose my professional license.
You could also lose your child. And then there are the safety issues if he is smoking pot while caring for her....

Quote:
the worst part is he's a fibber. lies all the time about stupid dumb stuff so i 'won't get mad'. this irritates me to no end. i just want a grown up, mutualy satisfying relationship. i'm beginning to think that's not going to happen.
Would he go to counseling? It sounds as though some is in order....

 
#4 ·
Pot has been a total issue in my marriage.
It would be a different story if it were legal. But it isn't. My point to Dh is that it is not our battle to fight. The fact that the law is stupid doesn't count. God knows I did it plenty in high school and college but I feel that as a parent, the risks are not worth it.
(My tangent is over now)
Is this all about pot for you? Sneakiness and lying will absolutely kill a relationship. Have you talked to him about what this is doing to your marriage? How about some counseling?
 
#5 ·
Hw would have to move out until he was done acting like a child. We are parents with jobs and resposibilities and we can't risk losing out children. this isn't highschool for crying out loud.
 
#6 ·
I just want to say that there are many mature, responsible people who smoke pot- many of them are parents.

I do not think it is fair to expect dh to give up this part of himself. Maybe you need to come up with a compromise? Like he will not lie and sneak around and you will be willing to let him keep a small, personal stash in the house? Your children and license will not be taken from you, unless there are very large quantities around or he is dealing.

I truely see pot as medicinal. Maybe it helps him be a more patient daddy? It might not be *your* thing, but it is possible to smoke in moderation and still be a productive member of society.

Just my $.02
 
#7 ·
I sort of doubt we'd lose our child. Gez I know people with multiple DUI convictions with kids, so I'm not too worried about that. The safety of my child does worry me.

If he were a productive member of society I might feel more inclined to not mind so much, but if you've ever wanted to see the poster child for marijuana enhanced amotivational syndrome its my dh.

Yea I don't think its really about the marijuana for me. Its more that he doesn't care enough about me or himself to be honest and open. If he cared about me he wouldn't put me at risk of losing my professional license which I can lose for any drug related charge, doesn't even have to be a felony.
 
#8 ·
Quote:
Originally posted by Lea
I sort of doubt we'd lose our child.
Yes, well, stranger things have happened. If nothing else, she could be taken into custody temporarily while the situation gets straightened out. My husband used to see children in the hospital who had abuse files an inch thick who were still living with their abusers - meanwhile the parents down the hall who brought in their kid with a broken arm (and no record of any wrongdoing) were being threatened by social workers. In addition, if they can prove that you knew about the situation and let it go on, I would think you could possibly be charged with endangering her.

As for responsible people smoking pot - I know they exist. I personally know some of them. But they also don't have children living with them. IMO, doing something that risks getting you arrested and your children taken away solely in the interest of preserving some little part of yourself that likely can be satisfied in other ways is not within the realm of responsibility.

Just my opinion. I know that isn't necessarily a popular one here, but I'm not out to win any popularity contests.

 
#9 ·
I agree with cloverlove.
My mother was very fearful of my father and beer, my father and pot, my father and his friends.
He was never a drunk, never a "pothead", never a "party-animal". But she wouldn't allow him to sit in his own house and relax, kick back with friends, discuss politics, religion, life.
So, she nagged him about his lifestyle and pushed him away. My father created a secret life so he would have an outlet for self expression, he stayed out at night, sometimes all night.
In consequence, my family went on without dad, because my mother wouldn't accept his "sinning, lawbreaking ways". Their marriage slowly fell apart.
Definatly, their is a time and place for all things, and moderation is key. Couples should never force dogma or belief on each other. Everyone needs thier space.
Create an open forum in your home. Don't go searching through your partners things and then get angry at what you might find. That creates dishonesty in any relationship--even with children.
Nobody is going to loose thier children over a joint, that is just ridiculous. And if that was the way the situation is handled, we should fight to change it.
My advice is to talk. Find out what when and where through open discourse and honesty. Discuss your fears of a stoned out dad and see whats going on? Ask the children if everything feels right. Kids know.
Keep us updated.
 
#10 ·
Quote:
Originally posted by Cloverlove
I just want to say that there are many mature, responsible people who smoke pot- many of them are parents.

Just my $.02
Hi everyone. I am new here- my wife gets mothering magazine and thought I would check out the forums. Interesting site. I have to say I disagree with the above idea that smoking pot and being a resposible, active and partcipating member of society is really practical! I used to think that...but only when I smoked pot. When I quit I realized I was kidding myself at best. Pot is such an amazingly deceptive drug! DOing drugs, in my humble opinion, is really counter active to raising healthy children and a healthy family. Who wants to watch their parents or grandparents get high? I had friends growing up with parents like that and it was always a sad situation.
 
#11 ·
Quote:
... by Dragonfly
... As for responsible people smoking pot - I know they exist. I personally know some of them. But they also don't have children living with them ...
Actually, some of the very best parents I know, do. People I try to emulate in all their parenting ways (though I don't currently smoke). And a few even have raised children to adulthood while still smoking. And these adult-children are now raising their children ...

Blanket generalizations and condemnations don't further the topic ...

Back on point, if your DH is lying about it, then it's got to be dealt with for certain ...
 
#12 ·
Quote:
Originally posted by amyrpk
Blanket generalizations and condemnations don't further the topic ...
You're right in the sense that topic sort of went off-track and my post could definitely have been worded better. However, nowhere did I say that people who smoked pot can't be great parents in many respects - I also know some of those. But still, IMO, they are doing something very irresponsible by smoking it and keeping it in their homes and potentially endangering their child's security. The reality of our world is that anytime you have pot, you are taking a risk of being arrested. Is it fair or logical? I don't think so - but it's the reality of our current situation. No matter how remote the risk, I can't understand how it is worthwhile to take. It makes no sense to me - perhaps because I don't smoke it anymore.

 
#14 ·
I know I've spent too much time at MDC when I remember the last time me, hahamommy, mamapie, etc. got into this same discussion. It was long, like 13 pages and heated and no one's mind was changed and women left only to return months later with new names and apologies and then we all hugged again and it was good.

Can we skip the painful parts of this and get with the hugging and the original topic?

Mwah.
 
#16 ·
Quote:
If he were a productive member of society I might feel more inclined to not mind so much

Quote:
plus its the money from my pay check he's spending...

Lea,

These are two things that jumped out at me in your posts. Just wondering (if you want to share...fine if you don't) why you consider your husband, who is home with your child, not to be a productive member of society?

IMO - the "MY paycheck" things is a red flag too. Is having him be a SAHD an arrangement that you both support? Just wondering. Sorry if I'm being too nosy.

~Erin
 
#18 ·
another thought...
I was just thinking about how readily our society accepts perscripted medicines (from doctors who know very little about their patients) and we don't accept self-therapy. We say (for example) Paxil is an OK way to relax, take a step back, slow down and delegitimize herbs or massage or accupuncture. This topic relates because we look at actions of other beings very one sided. We want people around us to BE something, to fit in our boxes. The hard pill to swallow is that they never will and be happy. They never will and fullfill their life purpose.
Sometimes we have to step out of our society constraints. We can imagine this to be true as we open ourselves to alternative-attatchment parenting (or what I call native parenting). The everyday Joe looks at me with my daughter--with my breast exposed, singing to her, or whatever and SNEERS. I cannot fit into his box, I won't fit into his box.
So, if we practice looking from our gut, that inner prompting, we will relax, open up towards others-our partner-our family, we will see the true missunderstanding.
Communication is the most mind stretching because it begs us not to judge, each other, or ourselves.
FYI-- I don't smoke but I am very interested in learning and talking about compromise.
 
#19 ·
Quote:
If he were a productive member of society I might feel more inclined to not mind so much, but if you've ever wanted to see the poster child for marijuana enhanced amotivational syndrome its my dh.
This struck me as a little off as well. I thought you said he was a SAHD? That's a job and a half, if you ask me. I would hate to think my dh thought I wasn't motivated because I stayed at home. I hope you didn't mean it like that.

My opinions on this matter are irrelevant, as both my dh and I are smokers. Our reasonings aren't important, but I think you ought to figure out why he is medicating himself like this. If you forbid it, he will sneak around. There is obviously something going on with him that you two need to talk about, but I would discourage counselling, because his smoking will end up on record, and that could endanger the kids. However, that said, most health professionals really downplay pot-usage, it's a "lifestyle" choice to them more than anything, unless there is dealing going on. Yes, I know this from experience.
 
#20 ·
I could not help but add my feelings on this.

I am a mother living with ADD. I have a very low threshold and get frustrated in 0-60 seconds.

I do not believe in conventional medicine. I do not want to take mind altering drugs that have major side affects. I believe that some drugs (if needed) work better for some people then others.

In saying that..... I smoke pot medicinally. I am a great mother and sometimes I need the patience to deal with life. I would not be happy taking Prozac, paxil, ect..... (no offense to anyone who does). This is what works for me. My DH supports that as well. I am very responsible, motivated, and busy. I can do all the things required of me and still have an open, fun, and happy time with my children.

People can use pot responsibly and with children.

Although.... if my partner was not being honest with me I would feel all the things mentioned in the begging post. There is a problem when you feel like you have to hide or lie about what you d
 
#21 ·
Wow there's a lot to respond to here. My thoughts are not quite coherent and my ramble, so forgive me that.

I am a pharmacist and I think comparing marijuiana to SSRIs (prozac, paxil, etc...) is a bit of a stretch. SSRI antidepresants do not interfere with your judgement like smoking pot does. I smoked pot before, I know sometimes my thinking was a bit fuzzy, I don't want him 'thinking fuzzy' while he's looking out for my dd. On the other hand I would not take SSRIs either. There aren't too many drugs I would take. That's another discussion.

I didn't mean to imply that stay at home anythings are lazy or don't work hard. I should begin by saying today was only his second day as an official SAHD. I just began working again. I work 36 or 33 hours a week. So 3 days a week I gone all day and dh watches dd. He ended up the SAHParent sort of by default. He hasn't had a regular job in.. 4 years I think. We had no children, but he just stayed home. He was in charge of house chores, the yard, things like that while I worked 41 hours a week. He never completed his college degree, spent time on and off on it over the course of 7 years or so, and still never completed the associate's degree he wanted. So you see where I was coming from with the amotivational comment. I'd love to be the SAHM, but how could I afford to do that, especially when dh has no job.

Smoking pot is not part of my lifestyle. I don't think I want it to be part of my family's lifestyle. I am trying to live a mentaly and physicaly healthy lifestyle. Keeping my mind clear helps me live more consciously. I don't want to alter my mind or thinking in that way.

I guess the real issue here is his being responsible and honest overall. I never said the pot made him irresponsible. I just find it a sign of being irresponsible. I was hoping becoming a parent would be a step toward changing his life style and being more aware of his actions and thoughts, etc.. I have always felt I was being the more responsible partner. I always made sure I got up for work in the morning, paid the bills, took care of all the mundane crap, like insurance, finances, etc... Always felt he was a little bit of a slacker around here, so when I said my paycheck it was because I guess I was a little bit bitter about that.

Anywas I'm tired, just finished a 12 hour shift and I need some rest. I hope some of that made sense. I hope I did not offend too many people in the process. I am only talking about my specific situation, not making any generalizations about anyone else.
 
#22 ·
Thanks for the follow up. You've added some details that definitely would affect my response to your original post.

Actually after re-reading your OP, I'm thinking this might be a key point that there haven't been that many responses to.

Quote:
i just want a grown up, mutualy satisfying relationship. i'm beginning to think that's not going to happen.

so what do i do?

Also, just wanted to say that I'm sorry if I jumped to too many conclusions in my reply. All situations are unique and have their own challenges and considerations. Sounds like you are working through a lot right now!


~Erin
 
#23 ·
One can have big problems with Child Protection if one is found with pot in the house. Even a little bit. My exh used to be with DSS-Child Protection and all it takes is a neighbor who holds a grudge, a family member who thinks you aren't doing right by your kids. Where we live, every call is investigated.
What would happen if you lost your license? I share that fear. The father of my two youngest is a pot addict and I could not allow it in my house. If I lost my license due to his habits, our family would have been homeless, as I was the only one who regularly brought money in.
The reality is that you could get in trouble with social services and you could lose you job and your livelyhood. If pot is more important than these things to him, then it does seem as though he has chosen his priorities.

"The reality of our world is that anytime you have pot, you are taking a risk of being arrested. Is it fair or logical? I don't think so - but it's the reality of our current situation. No matter how remote the risk, I can't understand how it is worthwhile to take. "

Amen.

"Nobody is going to loose thier children over a joint, that is just ridiculous. And if that was the way the situation is handled, we should fight to change it. "

It can, and does happen, and yes it is messed up, but it is the way it is now....I wouldn't risk being investigated, kids being interviewed, perhaps removed from the home to smoke some weed, or be ok with letting someone else smoke in my house. So what if someone decided to do something about the pot smoking, called the authorities and they found out all sorts of other things....Like we all sleep together, like I am still nursing a 3 yr old, like the lack of vacinations, a "main stream" social worker with a chip on their shoulder could make some big problems for some people. Pot is illegal. If someone is smoking it, it is against the law and if kids are involved it could get very scary. Not to scare anyone, but there are some very stong feelings amoung law inforcement and child protection about "drug use" and raising kids.
A nurse I know in the ER was working when this paniced dad came in with a kid whose head was bleeding. It looked worse than it was, lots of blood. Dad and his buds were in the back yard, the kids were playing, the guys were taking turns sneaking into the shed to smoke. The kid fell off the swing. An ER doc thought the dad looked high and called DSS. By the time the mom got to the ED, the cops had a warrant to search their house and the dad was headed off to jail for the night. These people were my friends neighbors. Good folks, good parents, nice family. There was nothing she could do but watch her neighbors lives fall apart. Super scarey. It does happen...
 
#24 ·
Pot is good medicine.........true.

POt is illegal...........true.

But since this is the way it is....the leagalities need to guide the decisions being made here. It's not like your dh has a brain tumor or ms or cancer,etc...

IThe risks just are not worth it(justified or not!). For me, a pro. license isn't a risk. But my child would be. Period.

And give your dh time to grow up and come into his fatherhood....your baby is what? just a few months old? Someday he will be accountable to your child verbally and physically and mentally and emotionally!!!

mamapoppins
 
#25 ·
I'm sorry to hear you are going through such a tough time! To me, this should not be a debate about whether smoking pot is a good or bad thing or whether it should or should not be legal. This is about your husband engaging in recreational activities that puts your family in jeopardy. It would be totally different if your husband was taking marijuana for a legitimate medical reason. But he is putting your professional work at risk. I understand about that because I, too, am in a profession where my license means everything to my ability to earn a living. Also, drug laws are very strict, so if he is buying or selling drugs out of your house, the police could in some states essentially confiscate the house, leaving you homeless. He should not put his recreation above the financial stability of your family. Maybe you could try to present it to him that way, so that it's not about whether smoking pot itself is harmful but rather the potential consequences. Suggest that he find other ways to relax that don't put your family at risk.
 
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