Wants children husband not so keen - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 4 Old 06-12-2003, 09:25 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I would like to have children and my husband doesnt seem very keen on the idea. Its to the point to where when I bring it up ( all the time) we have fights about it. I had a lifethreatening illness years ago and my husband and I felt that life was short. We vowed that we were going to life life to the fullest etc. Its seems like there's one more hurdle to overcome with him. Is it money,he says no. Is it time? No, I would be a stay at home mom,but I KNOW my husband wouldnt really be there 100% for us. In fact he's a manager at work and he feels its wrong for fathers to take maternity leave in his line of work. I cannot have children and I asked him if its b/c he wont be able to have his own kids . Nope. Its just that he feels that having a child would hold him back in his career. I asked him if I am holding him back. He said no,but I feel it. I know he's unhappy in his position in life. He feels that he's not all who is supposed to be and I am just happy to be alive,happy to have a loving husband. It's not that he doesnt like children,he justs likes them with other people. Im tired of bringing it up b/c of the arguments we have. Its just making me feel that my feelings are not justified,like Im wrong for having these feelings of wanting to be a mother. Like Im a bad person, b/c I should focus on what he wants. When is a good time to have children? I dont want to wait until Im 50! In this case he suggested we get a 12 year old so then we can be "all caught up with our friends children now" I know he's joking,but there seems to be a serious undertone to this. I just dont know what to do. I just dont know how to better approach this. Any advice would be great.
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#2 of 4 Old 06-12-2003, 11:41 PM
 
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Wow, I don't really have advice, I just want to say I sympathize with you. That is a horrible position to be in. I know for me personally I couldn't marry someone who didn't want kids because it is such a strong urge for me. When my dh was younger way before we married, he said he didn't want kids and I knew if it stayed that way I couldn't marry him. Not to say anything about your marriage, I just understand how hard that desire is. Did you guys talk about this before you married, has he always felt this way? Like I said I don't have any advice, just sympathy
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#3 of 4 Old 06-12-2003, 11:41 PM
 
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((HUGS)) I'm sorry about this! Did you talk about kids before your marriage, about how many you would have, etc?

With my dh we had always wanted a child or two, but dh was dragging his feet about getting started with it. He kept worrying about finances since I'd be quitting my job to SAH. I practically had to beg. As a result he was not that involved in my pg and I felt lonely. But once she was born he totally fell in love and has been a wonderful father. Although he's had the attitude that since I'm a SAHM I have primary responsibility for her care even when he's home.

Then he actually brought up ttc for #2 before I felt totally ready and I was so surprised. Now that I'm pg he's sooo involved in the pg already and is telling me that he might want a third. That's something I'll have to think about. lol!

But my point is I guess, that things can change-- or not. Both partners have to want to be parents or it's not fair to either or the baby. You may have an uninvolved father and the child will pick up on that. It's tough. Maybe sit down and have a heart to heart, tell him why you want a baby and how it would mean a lot to you, fulfill you, and enhance your marriage.

Good luck!

Darshani

7yo: "Mom,I know which man is on a quarter and which on is on a nickel. They both have ponytails, but one man has a collar and the other man is naked. The naked man was our first president."
 
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#4 of 4 Old 06-13-2003, 01:25 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Hi,
Thanks so much for your warm responces. Yes, we did talk about kids before we married. He says he does want to be a father,just not now. I think we just keep going over," is there a RIGHT time to have kids" The answer is no of course. I think its going to work out though. Yesterday on my birthday, he brought up adopting two children we saw on the foster care webpage. (I forwarded him their cute pictures). Its a small step. Im hoping that he doesnt fell like he'll be the same kind of father his was. One who left his mother for the 14 yr old babysitter ( surprizingly they are still together) Thats another story
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