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Old 06-29-2003, 05:12 PM - Thread Starter
 
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First off, this is a rant! I'm having a really bad day and need support. I'm sure it will get better but when? Please send hugs soon.

The last few years have been very stressful and every time I think things will get better they do but not the way I want them to. I want a husband that is calm, relaxing, spiritual in a hippie sense, and I married a tazmanian devil!

I'm sure many of you can relate to my story: We moved to TX in 2000 (before ds was conceived) after I stay in the midwest to sell our house. We moved in with my family while we looked for a house. We had one built. We moved in while I was 6 months pregant. Dh got let go from his job which we moved to TX for (computer programmer). He moved back to midwest to get back old job while I stayed to sell our house. We moved into an apartment in the midwest once I got the house sold in TX (I was 8 months pg then). Dh decided to go back to school half time when ds was born while he worked FT. Five months later we moved into a house. Six months later he was downsized again. He spend the next 5 months trying to become a police officer and other government positions in many different towns around us. He spent a lot of time with us but he was stressed about the money and did odd jobs to supplement unemployment. It was not a vacation and he was worried a lot of the time and he studied to pass tests and exercised to pass all the physicals.

A month ago he decided the police officer thing was taking too long and he started studying to become an insurance agent. He studied non-stop for 3 weeks! It sucked! When he was a computer programmer he worked 50-60 hour weeks and he was stressed about getting downsized and very seldom relaxed. Then when he lost his job he was always working toward the next job. I had to keep ds quiet and away from dh so he could study. When he was going to school and working it was even worse!! So I was sorta happy when he got let go from his job since he hated it and was gone so much or worried about losing his job.

Now he sells insurance to small businesses and he works from home but travels a lot in our state. All he thinks about is working to pay our bills and he still does not relax. He is ON all the time! Now I'm working as his assistant to set up appointments and other general stuff that he needs help with. He loves the job but it is straight commission. The income potential is very good. But I'm starting to feel like the pressure is always going to be there.

His car broke down the other day three hours away when he was supposed to be on his way home after being gone for 48 hours on business. He was at a friend's restaurant. I was so ticked when I found that out. Yesterday he had to drive the rental car back to get his car which was being repaired. It was a 7 hour event. It was pretty crappy.

Anyway dh and I are not clicking right now. We've been a couple for 13 years and always had lots of issues. I started going to counseling a few months ago and dh and I have been to counseling over the years. I have seriously thought about checking out of the relationship for many reasons over the years. Mainly b/c I feel he and I are just not compatable. His brothers and sisters are all patholigical liars and he has some honesty issues as well. He also is a recovering sexual addict which has caused a lot of grief in our relationship. I found out he was being unfaithful to me online and through telephone calls (with people I knew and didnt know too) but not physically unfaithful that I am aware of.

I'm so sick of his crap right now and his lack of maturity in some areas. Ds fell down the stairs today trying to help dh carry laundry but dh is so wrapped up in his self sometimes that he doesnt stop to think about what is happening around him. When ds fell he said I should not have been online (I was online for 5 minutes).

Please send some hugs and support. I feel so terrible right now and really dont care that I have pretty much beared my soul to all. I know you'll understand and that you wont judge me for staying in this relationship. I'm not sure how to cope right now except maybe to go stay with family for a few weeks in another state.

Thanks in advance for reading and for your insights.

P.S. When dh and I are clicking all is great. Ds loves his father and they are usually great together. I feel like I am damned if I leave and damned if I stay...IYKWIM?
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Old 06-29-2003, 08:34 PM
 
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I am so sorry you are going through this. I can only comisserate (Is that a word?) with you right now because I am having a difficult marriage as well. I hope things change for you. It ain't easy
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Old 06-29-2003, 09:09 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks for the hug! Dh and I are least speaking civil this evening. I was about ready to pack my bags. I notice that he and I are both a little sleep deprived and I am nearing my monthly visitor. I guess with all the stress and the above it is no wonder we're driving eachother crazy. Plus I am so ready for a break. I want to go on a vacation (camping at the least) and dh says not now...he has to make money. It is soooo depressing! And going to visit my family out of state is no vacation for me. What's a stressed, broke, lonely mama to do??? I went shopping today and bought myself a few much needed undergarments! It made me feel somewhat better. I have friends in town but many of them are under as much stress as we are with job losses, injuries, no family to help them etc.

Sorry you are having a tough time too, mamitorres.

Coming here and venting helped too. Thanks for reading my post.
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Old 06-30-2003, 02:17 AM
 
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Oh, sweetie.... My dh and I have sure had our ups and downs and I have had my times when I wondered if we should separate. He is a recovering alcoholic/addict and although he pretty much kept that away from home, it still caused lots of trust issues and resentment. I remember weighing out what was best for our boys, etc. - not a fun place to be.

We're in an "up" time now, thank the Lord. Have you ever thought of going to AlAnon? That program helped me soooooooo much more than anything else in terms of relationships and detachment, etc.

Mainly I just want to send out a cyber hug and lots of positive energy your way. Hang in there and keep talking about it to safe, non-judgmental people.
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Old 06-30-2003, 05:19 AM
 
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I havent talked to dh all day, i've been angry with him



How are you hanging in their Curly Locks?
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Old 06-30-2003, 11:24 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks, Festivus and mamitorres. Weighing the pros and cons in a relationship is tricky! Especially when everyone is tired and stressed b/c no one is thinking clear. It's so easy to see the negative in those situations and forget how it would be seperated or divorced. But when dh is gone and things run smooth (no disagreements etc) it's tempting to think it would be that way as a single mom. Wrong!!! It would be terrible on ds. We are functioning rather well most of the time and really getting stronger as a couple but good lord there are days that I wonder!!!!

I will have to go to alanon one day. I just need to do it! I've heard such good things about it.

I slept very well last night and dh is still asleep. I hope he wakes up feeling good today too.

Let's hope today is better all around and I bite my tongue (easier when not sleep deprived like yesterday)!
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Old 06-30-2003, 09:44 PM
 
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Hey CL. Glad to hear things are going better today! I'm afraid I can't offer any advice -- not that it would even be appropriate -- but I am sending you a big hug!

((((((((((((((H)))))))))))))))

Hang in there!
E.
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Old 06-30-2003, 10:59 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks, El! My advice to me would be to go back 13 years and do it all over with someone else. :LOL So any advice you may offer couldnt be near as scary my own. But thanks for the input and hug.

Only if my dh would stop staying up sooo late to watch tv shows. He is not resting enough and working too much which is a huge part of his tazmania. He speeds up when he's tired and/or stressed and I slow down. We're opposites in many ways which can be good. But we're both snippy when we're tired.
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Old 06-30-2003, 11:01 PM
 
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I have nothing to offer but hugs.
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Old 07-01-2003, 02:38 PM
 
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Wow,

It's like you are me and I am you... DH and I are having a rough time too and he is studying all the time.

I hope you feel better. I am too tired to find the hug emoticon, but Here is a keyboard one (((CL)))

I really wish I could go back 12 years sometimes too, but I know it will get better and we will be all happy again. Stressful times these times with little ones and outside commitments and bills to pay.
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Old 07-01-2003, 04:14 PM
 
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Hugs to both Curly Locks and Nuggetsmom !!!

It took me awhile to get over here, but just wanted to add my support.

Vent away!

Angie, Mama to Finn (6/01) and Theo (4/05)
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Old 07-01-2003, 04:17 PM
 
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Not that I meant to take sypathy away from CL but it was convenient that she had typed out a rant I could jut use for myself minus the moving and unemployment part.
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Old 07-01-2003, 04:40 PM
 
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Great when someone else types up our rants for us, lol! I love it, Jacq. :LOL

Seriously I do think it's valuable when we can relate to another's story... helps with the feeling of isolation or judgement ("there's something wrong w/me because this things is happening in my life & everyone else is so together.")

While we're on the subject of relating, btw... Things are decent w/me & dh at the moment, but very rough in general this year, & his depression is rearing it's ugly head again for sure. He's conscious of it but doesn't seek treatment (natural or pharmacuetical) readily.
I'm currently feeling okay about how we're wokrnig things out but truthfully, we both know we're not compatible. Which isn't to say we don't love & appreciate one another, and at this point we've been through so much together that it is a strong bond. And we both believe the other to be a good person and dear friend, and there's even still attraction there. Yet the fact remains we're a pretty bad match. And I think we could each have reached our full potential better had we stayed single or found other partners.
I have no thoughts at all of leaving, but would I do it differently? Probably, for both our sakes.

(Of course then there would be no dd, but you know what I mean).



sending the love....

mb

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Old 07-01-2003, 05:36 PM
 
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Wow. I think my hear just grew two sizes (kinda like the Grinch, but I don't *think* I was grinchy before!).

I have always been SO opposed to divorce, at least until children go to college, bc I have seen what it did to dh (he was 17 when his dad left MIL for her best friend) and how difficult it was for ME, even tho I was 23 and on my own when my parents first separated. Not to mention dh's years as a family therapist where 99% of his child clients were children of divorce.

But when I hear you guys talk about being mismatched with your spouses, and knowing how wonderful and funny and kind and gentle and TALENTED you all are, and feeling so connected to you and wanting you to THRIVE as individuals, for the first time in my life I am understanding how and why good people choose to separate.

Is this coming off totally wrong? I don't mean to imply IN ANY WAY that ANY of you should call it quits!!! But I just this very moment gained a new appreciation for how complicated this all is and how NOT black and white it is. And how sad it can be when the partner we chose turns out to not be our soulmate.

Thanks for opening up, Mamas. I, for one, have a new perspective on this, thanks to your honesty. And I want you all to be HAPPY and FULFILLED!

many many hugs atcha!
El
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Old 07-02-2003, 12:19 PM
 
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For anyone interested: http://www.al-anon.org/alalist_usa.html

Hugs to all!

Analisa, Mama to Meg 12/12/01, Patrick 12/24/03, Catherine 12/24/03, Ben 2/26/06
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Old 07-06-2003, 05:44 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Nothing about marriage/relationships or mothering is black or white...I am over 900 miles from dh and dont miss him yet. He misses us though and I'm sure I'll miss him by the time my vacation is over. Ds is sure having fun and so am I!

Thanks for the support here.

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