First off, this is a rant! I'm having a really bad day and need support. I'm sure it will get better but when?
Please send hugs soon.
The last few years have been very stressful and every time I think things will get better they do but not the way I want them to. I want a husband that is calm, relaxing, spiritual in a hippie sense, and I married a tazmanian devil!
I'm sure many of you can relate to my story: We moved to TX in 2000 (before ds was conceived) after I stay in the midwest to sell our house. We moved in with my family while we looked for a house. We had one built. We moved in while I was 6 months pregant. Dh got let go from his job which we moved to TX for (computer programmer). He moved back to midwest to get back old job while I stayed to sell our house. We moved into an apartment in the midwest once I got the house sold in TX (I was 8 months pg then). Dh decided to go back to school half time when ds was born while he worked FT. Five months later we moved into a house. Six months later he was downsized again. He spend the next 5 months trying to become a police officer and other government positions in many different towns around us. He spent a lot of time with us but he was stressed about the money and did odd jobs to supplement unemployment. It was not a vacation and he was worried a lot of the time and he studied to pass tests and exercised to pass all the physicals.
A month ago he decided the police officer thing was taking too long and he started studying to become an insurance agent. He studied non-stop for 3 weeks! It sucked! When he was a computer programmer he worked 50-60 hour weeks and he was stressed about getting downsized and very seldom relaxed. Then when he lost his job he was always working toward the next job. I had to keep ds quiet and away from dh so he could study. When he was going to school and working it was even worse!! So I was sorta happy when he got let go from his job since he hated it and was gone so much or worried about losing his job.
Now he sells insurance to small businesses and he works from home but travels a lot in our state. All he thinks about is working to pay our bills and he still does not relax. He is ON all the time! Now I'm working as his assistant to set up appointments and other general stuff that he needs help with. He loves the job but it is straight commission. The income potential is very good. But I'm starting to feel like the pressure is always going to be there.
His car broke down the other day three hours away when he was supposed to be on his way home after being gone for 48 hours on business. He was at a friend's restaurant.
I was so ticked when I found that out. Yesterday he had to drive the rental car back to get his car which was being repaired. It was a 7 hour event. It was pretty crappy.
Anyway dh and I are not clicking right now. We've been a couple for 13 years and always had lots of issues. I started going to counseling a few months ago and dh and I have been to counseling over the years. I have seriously thought about checking out of the relationship for many reasons over the years. Mainly b/c I feel he and I are just not compatable. His brothers and sisters are all patholigical liars and he has some honesty issues as well. He also is a recovering sexual addict which has caused a lot of grief in our relationship. I found out he was being unfaithful to me online and through telephone calls (with people I knew and didnt know too) but not physically unfaithful that I am aware of.
I'm so sick of his crap right now and his lack of maturity in some areas. Ds fell down the stairs today trying to help dh carry laundry but dh is so wrapped up in his self sometimes that he doesnt stop to think about what is happening around him. When ds fell he said I should not have been online (I was online for 5 minutes).
Please send some hugs and support. I feel so terrible right now and really dont care that I have pretty much beared my soul to all. I know you'll understand and that you wont judge me for staying in this relationship. I'm not sure how to cope right now except maybe to go stay with family for a few weeks in another state.
Thanks in advance for reading and for your insights.
P.S. When dh and I are clicking all is great. Ds loves his father and they are usually great together. I feel like I am damned if I leave and damned if I stay...IYKWIM?