Sorry...I have to be selfish for a minute - Mothering Forums
July 2006 > Sorry...I have to be selfish for a minute
SabbathD's Avatar SabbathD 10:24 PM 07-03-2006
Okay, so here's the deal. My family is pulling us in all kinds of directions, just to see this baby, and she isn't even born yet! I was originally going to take the baby and go to see both sides of the family, who live in Iowa, and Michigan, in October. Well my Grandfather just had a small stroke, and so we are thinking we need to move up the travel dates just in case. Now the other side of the family wants to see us too during the same dates. Makes sense, ya know, one less trip to take, and tickets to buy. Well originally my Mom was going to help us pay for our tickets, and now it sounds like she isn't. And I moved the travel dates from October to August. The first week of August. I had planned on having several months to raise money for this, and she just drops it on me that she probably can't help us! And on top of that, the other side of the family is willing to pay for my husbands ticket, but no mention of mine, cause they want to see the baby. Well if we go this early in August instead of October my husband can't go for more than 4 days, and we had friends that we were going to see too. So, even if they pay for his and not mine, we have to find the money for my tickets, somehow manage to squeeze in time to see his whole family and our friends over 4 days, and then somehow manage to get me up to go see my grandfather and my whole family. And I will probably only be 3-4 weeks postpartum, and the baby will only be 3-4 weeks old. I know she will probably travel like a champ, but what if she doesnt? And it bothers me that my presence doesn't feel necessary to anyone involved. HELLO! Are you all gonna breastfeed her, and get up with her every 2 hours? I didn't think so!! And once again, SHE HASN'T EVEN BEEN BORN YET AND WE ARE PLANNING THE AUTUMN WORLD TOUR ALREADY? Can't we just wait a little bit!!

Arggh. I had to get that off my chest. Thanks for listening if you made it this far!

ashtree's Avatar ashtree 10:49 PM 07-03-2006
Geez-it sounds like no one on either side of the family is thinking about you right now. I'm sorry. I dont understand how they could even offer to pay for your hubby and not you. Do they really expect you not to go? How do they think that would make Autumn feel? And what is your dh supposed to do, bottle feed her?

The whole situation sounds shitty, and you're not being selfish by complaining. Maybe your mom could just pay for your ticket, and his family could pay for his? It very thoughful of you to even consider leaving so soon, people should be making it as easy as possible for you. I'm making family come to me. Good luck, and I hope everything works out for you, your dh and Autumn.
Mama2ABCD's Avatar Mama2ABCD 11:13 PM 07-03-2006
you should take care of yourself and your baby! let them come to you. and when you feel up for it, take the trip you want to take (i miss Michigan in october). this is your time and your family and you, you aren't being selfish making anyone wait.
MrsSurplus's Avatar MrsSurplus 11:36 PM 07-03-2006
Quote:
Originally Posted by kirstie
you should take care of yourself and your baby! let them come to you. and when you feel up for it, take the trip you want to take (i miss Michigan in october). this is your time and your family and you, you aren't being selfish making anyone wait.
I agree. Unless your grandfather's condition is compromised, I would stick with the original plans and...to be frank...my dh would be the one talking to BOTH sides of the family...protecting his family from unnecessary stress. (My dh has already made it clear to EVERYONE that postpartum visits - from both families - will be minimal for a few weeks, etc... and he's made it clear to me that I will be doing NOTHING but taking care of myself and the baby for those weeks. He likes being our protector - it might make your dh feel good too!)
jinkel's Avatar jinkel 01:51 AM 07-04-2006
1) You are not being selfish
2) Heck, you're not even complaining properly. Let me do it for you. Sit back, and relax:

Forget the trip out east (so early, at least). Tell dh's family to not bother buying the ticket for him. Tell them to spend $100 on a webcam instead. Same goes for your mom. Then (if you and dh don’t already have one), all you and dh have to do is spend $100 on a webcam for yourselves, and you can have all the video conferences you want w/both families, at no further cost. They can see Autumn whenever they want (“All Autumn, All the Time!” ).

Seriously. The fact that you're willing to travel across the country (well, 3/4 across) 3-4 weeks pp, with a very young baby, exposing her to god-knows-what airline germs crap when you could be enjoying an extended babymoon at home, getting the three of you adjusted to being "the three of you" --- and no one has stepped up to the plate to offer a little assistance boggles my freaking mind. Granted, dh and I don't ever expect our families to pay (or offer to pay) for anything (not that YOU do, either!) - - but we also let them know that if it's not in our budget at that time, then we will not be coming. Very simple.

It looks like the wrench in the works is your grandpa (sorry to hear about his stroke, mama). That's a very delicate decision for you to make (and it does settle squarely on *your* shoulders), and it really boils down to whether you feel you can risk it and wait to see him at a later date.

I'm sorry I don't have better advice, and I'm sorry what comments I *am* making aren't as nice as they could be. (maybe we could blame it on my "cobra" alter ego I mentioned in my other post? ) But it bugs me that in this entire situation, the only ones that are going to be put out (moneywise, timewise, and restwise) is your little threesome. Sounds like an uneven balance of obligations to me….
SabbathD's Avatar SabbathD 03:01 AM 07-04-2006
Oh you guys!! I just want to put you all in my pocket and carry you around and whenever I feel blue I could pull you out and make myself feel better. I was worried that I was being unreasonable by not wanting to go out there and see everyone. The only one's that have been really easy going about all of it is the friends in Des Moines, which if truth be told, are the only reason I actually even want to go out there. I am glad to have you guys to let me know that I WAS being unreasonable. I still sorta feel bad for being frustrated, but I will work through that.

I don't know what I am going to do yet. My Grandfather's condition sorta gets better and worse, and I don't want to risk not seeing him. So ideally it would be awesome to just go out to Michigan in August, and then go to Iowa seperately in October like originally planned, but that's a lot of vacation for me, and a lot of time that my DH would have to spend away from the baby, and just another commitment that I have to make. Everyone just sorta says 'Oh the baby will be fine traveling in August, it'll be fine'. Yeah, you are probably right, but you don't know that, and WHAT ABOUT ME!! Goddess forbid I don't get the birth I want and end up with a c-birth (and I have a few small possible complications that could lead to that). Somehow, I doubt, that I will want to travel to two different states 3 weeks after a c-birth. Call me crazy.

I don't know. I know that they mean well, but I just can't shake the fact that I am not even being taken into consideration in this whole manner. And just like their travel plans for some of them to come out here, they want a plan and an itinerary, and I can't give them that. I have no idea how things are going to play out until they actually play out, and that seems to be pretty hard for them to grasp! Ah well. We shall get it figured out!
lotus.blossom's Avatar lotus.blossom 09:34 AM 07-04-2006
I totally agree with everything Kelli said.

Sucks that all this is on your shoulders. You should sit back and relax and enjoy the newborn time without all that travel. It SUCKS that they only want to pay for your husbands ticket! I certainly understand the bit about seeing everyone at once. I'm planning a trip to Maine in November to see all my family and friends in maine. But, you might want to rethink doing all this so soon after your birth!

However, if you do end up in Michigan, you should stop by and say hello to me!
(how selfish is that! : )
SillyMommy's Avatar SillyMommy 10:18 AM 07-04-2006
Quote:
Originally Posted by kirstie
you should take care of yourself and your baby! let them come to you. and when you feel up for it, take the trip you want to take (i miss Michigan in october). this is your time and your family and you, you aren't being selfish making anyone wait.
Ditto that - there's no way I'd travel that much with such a wee one.
LizzysMommy's Avatar LizzysMommy 12:32 PM 07-04-2006
Quote:
Originally Posted by jinkel

...to travel across the country (well, 3/4 across) 3-4 weeks pp, with a very young baby, exposing her to god-knows-what airline germs crap...
Outside what the other posts have stated about how inconsiderate your family is being (which I totally agree with), this would be one of my primary concerns with taking the trip. I know that everytime my family travels by air, there is a good chance that one of us will get sick. Not that it isn't worth it to fly, but I don't know that I would feel comfortable doing it with a newborn that is only a few weeks old. Airplanes just put a lot of people very close together for a few hours and greatly increase everyone's chances of catching airborne sicknesses.
Max'sMama's Avatar Max'sMama 04:53 PM 07-04-2006
I agree with the PPs! From my previous birth experience, there was no way I COULD have travelled before 12 weeks: It was just not something that would have been an option! I don't want to be negative, but just an extended healing time is something to also have as a possible plan into your life. It sucks that your grandfather is not doing well - that must be so difficult That is the clincher in your post that really throws a wrench into your plans. What would/does HE want you to do? If he can be asked, what does he say? He may feel that travel early is not the best, and may want to wait to have you see him when he is further on the mend. Just a thought thrown out there!

As much as you may want to come early, if it doesn't work out, don't feel guilty. People should be coming to you as much as possible, especially family. No one should expect you, your husband, or your child to be travelling so soon after birth. Heck, at 3ish weeks, my son was just trying to stay alive

Good luck and do what is best for you!
~pi's Avatar ~pi 06:25 AM 07-05-2006
Quote:
Originally Posted by SabbathD
I don't know. I know that they mean well, but I just can't shake the fact that I am not even being taken into consideration in this whole manner.
That sucks. Sometimes, you just have to take care of yourself, though, especially if others aren't being thoughtful and considerate.

My 2 cents (not that you asked ) would be to decide what will probably work best for you, your DH and Autumn, keeping in mind situations like your grandfather's, and just tell people politely that's how it's going to be. If they whine, complain, etc., I've had great success with lines like:

"Yeah, it's too bad that won't work for us."
"I wish we could do that, too, but it just isn't going to work for us."

There is no need to buy the ticket on the guilt train that they are trying to sell you.

And I'm sorry to hear about your grandfather.
SabbathD's Avatar SabbathD 02:07 PM 07-05-2006
Quote:
Originally Posted by lotus.blossom
However, if you do end up in Michigan, you should stop by and say hello to me!
(how selfish is that! : )
Ahhh - that would be sweet! We could go to Ikea
peilover010202's Avatar peilover010202 02:30 PM 07-05-2006
Jumping in from August DDC...

But, have you thought about asking your dh to explain that you only have 4 days and tell them that you will be going to your family in Iowa and they are welcome to visit you, dh, and babe there (and stay in a hotel)?

That way, it makes everything easier in terms of travel for you guys - but you get to be where you want to be (with your grandfather?)

Surely, if you dh explains to his family that your grandfather has had a stroke and his health is unpredictable at best and that it's really important for you to spend some time with him (knowing it could be the last time), then they will be understanding. Plus your dh should explain that you will only be 3-4 weeks postpartum, which means you'll be dealing with (possibly) stitches, pp bleeding, establishing a bf'ing relationship with babe, etc.
SabbathD's Avatar SabbathD 02:39 PM 07-05-2006
Not that this needed to get any more complicated, but the other reason for us to have to end up in Iowa, is that my DH father has lupus, and not exactly early stage either, and will not be able to fly out to see the baby at all. So the reason that we would be traveling to Iowa, is that there isn't really any way for my FIL to travel much beyond home either. It's a mess!! :

I actually took a lot of everyone's advice, and have advised, at least my family, and I will let DH tell his, that we aren't gonna be able to do it. I sensed a little bit of resistance from my Mom, but hey. She can deal with it. I am going to attempt the Sept/Oct time frame, and see what we can do then.

I understand that everyone wants to see the baby, I really do. But without some compromise on their part, this is where we end up. My DH is in 100% agreeance with me, thank goodness, or this would have been a lot harder to fight the family's, as it were. So, hopefully, I can do the Autumn world tour in Sept/Oct, and everyone won't notice that by then she is a few months old!!
MrsSurplus's Avatar MrsSurplus 09:59 PM 07-05-2006
Quote:
Originally Posted by SabbathD
I actually took a lot of everyone's advice, and have advised, at least my family, and I will let DH tell his, that we aren't gonna be able to do it. I sensed a little bit of resistance from my Mom, but hey. She can deal with it. I am going to attempt the Sept/Oct time frame, and see what we can do then.
Good for you - taking care of yourself and your family!
Becken's Avatar Becken 01:02 PM 07-06-2006
Ahhh, this is soooo good for me to hear!

I'm due with my first September 25 and my BIL decided to schedule his wedding on November 5.

I absolutely freak out inside when I think of getting on a plane with my teeny little babe and all those germs...and then all the relatives slobbering all over her at the wedding, and living in a hotel (even for a weekend!) instead of being snuggly at home working on breastfeeding and getting to know each other.

I told my husband he should definitely go (I have support here at home), but that I really can't make it. Even if I actually feel physically good enough 6 weeks (at the most) post-partum, I just....don't want to!!!!

(I'm also skeeved at my BIL for planning his wedding in Nov. when we begged him to wait until at least Jan so we could be sure to both make it. They've only been together for 5 months, so it's not like 3 more is a horrendously long wait. (Well, subjectively, it is, but I'm not them, so there!)
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