Relationship with your mom - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 15 Old 09-13-2006, 12:55 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Has anyone else noticed that with the new baby on the way is bringing up a whole bunch past ?*&$ with your mother? I guess it's normal but all the issues with my mom seem so amplified now. And I am discovering all sorts of things about myself and our relationship that is making it hard for me to be around her.

I recently told her that I didn't want her at the birth and that I didn't feel comfortable with her babysitting our baby. She has severe depression and suffers from some physical conditions as well. This was very upsetting to her and she has been trying to guilt me with it since. She is always telling me "I wish you included me in more of your life..." My fear is that once the baby is here that will be 10 fold. I feel like I am doing my best to deal with it but it is still so hard.

I am finally realizing that I am not responsible for her happiness or fufillment. Now I need to learn how to better deal with it all. Sometimes I wish for a baby boy. It just seems like mother daughter realtionships can be so complicated.
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#2 of 15 Old 09-13-2006, 01:34 PM
 
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I don't have all that great of a relationship with my mother. We've really never been that close but it all got worse when she divorced my dad 2 years ago. (I'll spare you the details : ). She has since gotten a new boyfriend who comes first in her life now. We live on different sides of Texas so we aren't a drive away really. When DH and I got married in November last year I invited my mother but not her boyfriend, she refused to attend my wedding without him. Not to mention she did nothing to help prepare for the wedding except give me grief. She did everything for my sisters weddings. DH's family and DH paid for the wedding and the honeymoon. My dad helped when he could. (I have a great relationship with him). She is always too busy taking trips out of state with her bf and trips within Texas to visit his family, they rarely visit her side of the family. (One sister lives in the same town as her and the other sister lives 50 miles away from me on the other side of the state). She once visted the sister that lives 50 miles from me, but did not visit me... Good job mom, way to make me feel loved. She calls me to brag about the latest thing that her bf has bought her or the latest places he has taken her, but when it comes to things for us, she totally craps out on us...wedding gifts, Christmas presents...baby things. She didn't attempt to make it to the baby shower.

A few months ago I was on that side of the Texas, an hour away from her and she wouldn't even drive that to see me, I was 6 months along at the time and had only seen her 1 other time while pregnant.

This will be her 6th grandchild, first from DH and myself and she isn't interested at all it seems. She'll call and ask how I'm feeling and before I can answer she starts talking about herself. And our conversations never last more than 5 minutes.

Well I think I will stop there...it felt good to get that out there. Now I just kinda feel...:
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#3 of 15 Old 09-13-2006, 01:44 PM
 
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Let me highly recommend a book that discusses the oft ignored psychological impact of becoming a mother. It's called "The Birth of a Mother: How the Motherhood Experience Changes You Forever" by Daniel Stern. It's an amazing book if you're interested in learning more about your emotional and psychological landscape. I highly, highly recommend it to all new mothers!

In love with Dh since 1998. We created Ds (7.1.03), Dd (10.16.06) and Dd (3.16.09).
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#4 of 15 Old 09-13-2006, 01:50 PM
 
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I've actually had a completely different experience with my mother since getting preggo. I've always had a good relationship with my parents, especially with my mom, but since getting pregnant, we are closer than ever. I actually ended up moving back in with my parents a few months back and thought that they would drive me absolutely insane, but our relationship has gotten sooo much stronger over the last 3 months. They are both being amazingly supportive and my mother has really become my best friend recently I really dont know how I would have gotten through this pregnancy without them and definitely feel much more comfortable about caring for my two babies knowing my parents will be around
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#5 of 15 Old 09-13-2006, 02:06 PM
 
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Oddly no. It hasn't brought up old issues, but has surfaced a few new issues. A few thigns she doesn't understand and may not ever. BUT she deont' push on teh issues adn lets me be teh parent I want to be. Also she doesn't reelly GET IT when it comes to NFL and AP so it's very hard to have her see things form my side..but seh did admit to a friend of mie that since hearing a song on teh radio (Let them Be little~ not sure of the artist but its a country song) that she understands where i come form on a lot of things now. SO there's hope! I look at it as she raised me to teh bes tof her ability and made me into the person that I am today, so she did something right, not that I agree with a lto of her decisions or parenting ideas, but i was raised with a free mind and allowed to think for myself and do what i thought was right, adn I couldnt' be more greatful for that! (Oh and it's her 5th grand child, 3rd form me so it's not liek she's all that new to teh grandma thing! She does keep asking though if we are having any more : )
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#6 of 15 Old 09-13-2006, 06:03 PM
 
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I think you'll find parenting amplifies it more thna pregnancy.

a book I loved and read just this month is "mothering without a map" wich focuses on becoming a good mom when maybe yours wasn't a great model, or even if she was, but you can't really go to her for support anymore.

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and The Nurture Center Store and Resource Center 3399 Mt Diablo Bl Lafayette CA 888-998-BABY
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#7 of 15 Old 09-13-2006, 08:31 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by cchrissyy
I think you'll find parenting amplifies it more thna pregnancy.
That's totally true! The shift (from being someone's daughter, to becoming someone's mother) begins in pregnancy. In pregnancy you realize, "wow, my mom went through this with me. I wonder what she felt, how she handled all of these feelings..." It becomes quite momentous once your baby is born. Lots of things happen psychologically. You think a great deal about how you were parented and what your own mother felt and did with you...

Quote:
Originally Posted by cchrissyy
a book I loved and read just this month is "mothering without a map" wich focuses on becoming a good mom when maybe yours wasn't a great model, or even if she was, but you can't really go to her for support anymore.
Sounds interesting...I'll check that one out!

In love with Dh since 1998. We created Ds (7.1.03), Dd (10.16.06) and Dd (3.16.09).
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#8 of 15 Old 09-14-2006, 12:03 AM
 
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I guess my mom and I have an unusual relationship. My parents live a mile away, I talk to my mom at least once a day and see her several times a week, sometimes daily. You'd think since we spent so much time together she'd comment on many things, but she doesn't. I know she doesn't agree with everything I do parenting wise but she never says anything about it, she'll ask questions sometimes but never goes beyond that. She knows it's my life and if I need or want something from her I'll ask for it. I feel very lucky to have such a good support system.

There is no way to happiness, happiness is the way.
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#9 of 15 Old 09-14-2006, 01:18 PM
 
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Things with my mom haven't been as bad as I anticipated. This is her first grandchild so she's VERY eager. She's still hoping I will change my mind and allow her to be at the birth, but she's generally pretty good at dealing with the fact that I don't want her there. She lives nearby and I would certainly love to have her babysit (which of course she is dying to do), but my biggest concern is that she is a horrible driver and I'm afraid to let her drive my kid anywhere. I fear that even bringing this subject up would offend her. It probably won't be an issue for a few months, but then what?
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#10 of 15 Old 09-14-2006, 01:37 PM
 
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being pregnant has actually helped with my relationship with my mom. we've been teetering between a bad and ok relationship for the past 10 years, but since about april things have really been good.

at first she didn't really approve of my take on pregnancy and wasn't too keen on me using a CNM instead of a dr, wanting a waterbirth, etc. but, i think seeing me handle pregnancy so well has given her a little more faith in me. she's offered to come up and help (she lives about an hour 1/2 away) during the week when i try to figure out work stuff in january and has been more and more supportive of my decisions.

she won't be with me during the birth because she gets a little crazy. so, that it will be my stepdad's job to deal with her then. but, hopefully she'll be fine.
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#11 of 15 Old 09-14-2006, 07:42 PM
 
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My mother and I have a very tenuous relationship. She doesn't approve of a lot of the choices I've made and am making. Since getting pregnant, a lot of stuff I thought I had dealt with has resurfaced. Also, since this is her seventh grandchild (first from us), she seems really forced-happy about it. Neither she nor my sisters even mentioned a shower for me until I mentioned that we had a shower one weekend at my DH's family. Then, all of a sudden, "Oh, yes, we need to get that on the calendar for you." So the shower with my family was really thrown together...and it showed.

When I was telling her about Bradley classes and natural childbirth she asked, "You aren't going to try to give birth at home, are you?" I told her no, because dh was really uncomfortable with that. And it's true, if DH weren't so freaked out at the idea of it, I'd be planning a homebirth. As it is I plan on waiting til I'm in transition before leaving for the hospital, and I won't mind a bit if we don't make it there in time!

My biggest issue to deal with right now is that for each of the other six grandkids, she's stayed a week with my sisters after the birth. Well, she doesn't like the dogs and has a polite but not chummy relationship with DH, so we don't want her to stay for a week. We really don't need her commenting on our decisions in that important first week. Unfortunately, she's already told everybody that that's what she is doing, even though what she said to me was she'd be available if we needed her. Hopefully, everything at the birth will go swimmingly and we won't need her to be around.

It really peeves me that she's just going through the motions with this one...of course, that's what she's always done with me. (I'm convinced I'm on this planet because my folks wanted a boy. They had to try once more to get one.) She finds the time and money to go to Toledo and Niagra and all these other places for conventions with their "business," which they got into because of the favorite older sister. In fact, they spend nearly every weekend with this one sister who lives about eight hours away, but rarely to they travel the 1.5 hour to the other sister and her family or the 6 hours to us. In fact, the only time they've been to our house was when they were in town for "business" anyway. They're coming to a convention here in a couple of weeks. Are they going to try to spend some time with us? Ha! They'll call us so we can go meet them for lunch or dinner, and then on their way out of town they are going to stop by our house that we have spent all summer renovating. Geesh. Good to be so loved.
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#12 of 15 Old 09-14-2006, 09:33 PM
 
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swampwitch...I know how you feel. I also think my parents were trying for a boy. I think my mom is different with me because when she was pregnant with me there were twins but the other (that might have very well been a boy) didn't make it through the pregnancy. Maybe she blames me for some reason? I really wouldn't put it past her. Are you the baby of the family? I am, and always heard 'well you're the baby you get away with everything'. I didn't get away with crap, wasn't able to do anything growing up. My 2 sisters could do what they wanted, but somehow at 16 years of age I still wasn't allowed to cross the street. She's not too thrilled that I am having a homebirth, she avoids the subject. As far as I know she doesn't have any concerns about my parenting style, but I'm sure she bad talks me behind my back to family. She's real buddy buddy with the sister that lives in the same town and they are probably sitting there saying, 'Your sister has lost her mind'. Pshh The best thing I ever did was get out of that town.

We have plenty of support from my dad and DH's side of the family. My relationship with my grandmother on my dad's side has changed since I got pregnant. We never really talked before, or kept in touch as she's in Pennsylvania and I'm in Texas but we started to write letters to eachother and she's actually proud of me for wanting a homebirth.

But my mom...: I just try not to think about it...
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#13 of 15 Old 09-18-2006, 12:38 AM
 
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Is this your first baby? I remember feeling a little judgemental of my parents during my first pregnancy. Well, not really blaming them, but wanting to do everything better and different. I also told my mother not to fly up until after the birth. It really hurt her. I had fears of leaving the baby with her while she was visiting - because she is disabled and doesn't always recognize her limitations (she falls often because she'll try to walk without her cane).

My son is two now. I wish she could be more involved with his life. I guess I've kind of chilled out a little and realized that I want him to have some memories with Grandma. Of course, I try to make it so that I'm around the two to "help out" or make sure that things are safe. Also, you could word the birth thing differently - perhaps tell her that you want it to be a special moment with just the nuclear family (you, DH, and new baby) and can't wait for her to meet the baby after (rather than saying that you specifically don't want her there).

The baby will only have one maternal grandmother - so it is worth treading carefully on this territory. I understand your feelings, though.

Mandi - Doula/Childbirth Educator, Loving my DH, DS, DD, DD, missing my three (last m/c 4/2010)
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#14 of 15 Old 09-19-2006, 08:33 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Yes this is my first baby. My mom is very conditional and loves to try and guilt me with everything. I just fear that this baby will be another reason for her to throw stuff at me emotionally. Like if she feels like she isn't seeing the baby as much as she wants she will hang it over my head. I am realizing that I allow her to treat me this way and I really need to start telling her that it isn't ok with me. I don't want to walk on egg shells around her. I want this baby to be close to its grandmother I am just tired being bullied by her, I feel like I need to stand up for myself, it's just hard. Thanks for listening.
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#15 of 15 Old 09-20-2006, 08:09 PM
 
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I definately agree about parenthood not pregnancy causing rifts. I actually never felt differently towards my mom during my first preg. But even in the first few months of this one, my feelings toward my mom started to change. I just figured that it was because I lived so close (40 miles), was the only sibling (youngest of 10) still close to her and that she relied on my family and me a lot. But since moving out of state, I have realized some things about how she raised me (using and still trying to use) me as a pawn to retaliate against my dad whom she divorced when I was 8, manipulating my feelings for my dad and some of my siblings). This has been very hard for me, but it really cements my goals of a very different parenting style than hers. Thanks for starting this thread - I'm glad to have a chance to sympathize on this issue with other smart, intelligent and valued women.

Mamma to 3! nurslings Emma (4) Daniel (3) and our new baby Beth! 10/10/09
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