Frustrated with my husband - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 9 Old 11-16-2006, 07:09 PM - Thread Starter
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So, I hate to even complain about this. Maybe I'm over-reacting or feeling a little bit sensitive. BUT....

my husband is driving me crazy. Apparently he thinks that b/c I'm home with the baby, it makes me his personal secretary and he can't figure out why I can't get things done throughout the day. I think I'm doing really well - I keep the house relatively clean, make dinner at night, get the diapers cleaned, follow-up with insurance, midwife & the hospital, pay bills, etc. And this is on top of feeding, cleaning, changing diapers, and keeping Caleigh as happy as possible. I'm doing this on about five or six hours of sleep a night and I don't ask that he gets up with me for a nightly feeding with her.

But he's just made some really irritating comments that to me seem a little underhanded. Before I got up this morning, he started the laundry. I hadn't had a chance to put away some of the baby clothes from the last time they were washed so he washed them again thinking they were dirty. When I mentioned that they were clean, he looked at me and said "What, you didn't have time to put them away in the last two days?!?" He also came across some things that need to go to the Salvation Army which I haven't had a chance to donate yet and he wants to know why they haven't been dropped off yet. He'll also call from work asking me to make phone calls, send out mail, print things off the computer, put his sister's car on ebay to sell it, etc. Writing this down doesn't make it sound like a lot, but it really seems to me that he doesn't have any idea how much work it is to keep the house running and take care of a baby. Today, as I was breast-feeding, he actually looked at me and asked me to get a phone number for him from our home office. (Um, hello? I'm BREAST FEEDNG RIGHT NOW.)

His dad is also being incredibly rude, I think. We were at their place the other day for dinner and he asks when I plan on going back to work. My DH and I decided I'd go back when we move up to my hometown in March. That gives me four months with the baby at home - totally reasonable and in fact, a little short if you ask me. I'd love to be home for at least the first year. When I mentioned that it wouldn't be until March, he looked at me and said "Well, I know lots of women who go back earlier, at about three months. What do you do all day that you need to be home for four months?"

I couldn't even respond to him. WTF is that kind of comment? Apparently raising a child isn't important enough in his mind and he needs to make that known? I am so tired of comments like this from him (there have been many over the last few months) and personally, can't wait to make the move up to Canada. I just find some of my husband's family members to be so toxic sometimes!!!

OK, I'm getting off topic. Do you think I'm being a little too sensitive? I feel as if there are any more offhand comments from my husband (I'll leave my husband's father out of this for now), I'm going to blow! Does anyone have any advice for how to deal with this???
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#2 of 9 Old 11-16-2006, 07:59 PM
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that is what i would do~
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#3 of 9 Old 11-16-2006, 08:00 PM
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And heck no you are not being sensitive.I've been up since 5am and doing everything with a baby in my arms is very difficult and frustrating.Especially while my husband sits on the computer doing nothing!
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#4 of 9 Old 11-16-2006, 08:10 PM
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I'd be frustrated as well. My Dh was pretty understanding with dd1 but he still didn't get it, I have to say that he didn't really understand what my day was like until dd1 was a lot older and he'd have her for the day. Hang in there.

There is no way to happiness, happiness is the way.
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#5 of 9 Old 11-16-2006, 10:09 PM
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I have to say I'm really impressed with the amount you're getting accomplished! I couldn't possibly clean the house right now! Sounds like you need to explain to DH somehow how difficult it is to get things done with a babe.
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#6 of 9 Old 11-17-2006, 01:25 AM
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HELLO...Recovery and new mommy-ness is NOT easy!

Did you remind him what your BODY just DID? remind him to that you should always sleep with the baby--so when are you supposed to have 'extra' time anyways? We are lucky to feed ourselves! :
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#7 of 9 Old 11-17-2006, 01:46 AM
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Hi Andrea,
I am sorry that you're having to deal with this. I want to reassure you that you are accomplishing A LOT simply by making dinner and doing laundry everyday! I am impressed!!

I have been trying to think of ways to help your husband understand what it is like to have a new baby... maybe you could remind him that your baby is only a newborn ONCE and that this time is important for your recovery and for helping the baby grow. There are some people who consider the first three months of life the "fourth trimester" -- meaning that the baby is doing some very intense growing and needs the focused care and attention from a caregiver. THAT is your primary job -- and it is a full-time one!

You, too, espeically as a first-time mom, also need care and attention. It is a lot to ask that you take care of yourself, the baby, and the house during these first months. Assure your husband that your lives may eventually return to normal -- and the house will be cleaned EVENTUALLY -- but that there is no need for the normal level of activity/chores to happen right away. You both have plenty of time to adjust to life with a new babe, and it would be good find a way to be gentle with each other while you go through this transition. I don't know your DH and I don't know the best way to appeal to him, but I am sure you do.

My good thoughts are with you and your family --
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#8 of 9 Old 11-17-2006, 02:56 AM
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For some reason my husband seems to think that since my labor was less than 3 hrs as cmpared to 10 hrs with my dd that I should be 100% already:

He's lucky that I'm even getting out of bed everyday....

Actually, he has been better the past couple days. I can't totally throw him under the bus.

Michelle, vegan mama to my two sweeties, L, 4/21/04 and C, 10/29/06 married to my Bryce for 20 years.

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#9 of 9 Old 11-17-2006, 11:55 AM
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When I related this story to my very understanding and supportive dh, he asked where you all lived . . . lol. Wish my hubby could have a good man-to-man talk with your hubby, but in lieu of that please accept my sympathy and my assurance that you are NOT being overly sensitive! I would have been livid, and my dh is mad for you too! And I also am REALLY impressed with how much you are getting done. Lately our house is usually messier at the end of the day, not cleaner. And I am a neat freak who really ENJOYS housework, definitely not lazy or avoiding it on purpose. So there.

Good luck!

♥ blogger astrologer mom to three cool kiddos, and trying to figure out this divorce thing-- Blossom and Glow ♥

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