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#1 of 23 Old 11-22-2006, 03:01 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Okay, I barely know where to begin. This is not a birth story, and it is not what you expect. Part of why it is so hard to write is because there are still so many questions. Some (all?) of you will likely have questions, and I want you to feel free to ask them. I trust you all to be gentle and will promise to take all questions at face value.

Here is what we belive happened. We believe that I was pg and had a loss about midway through, around the same time that I had the first bleeding episode. I think that the baby reabsorbed into my body and that my body continued to produce pregnancy hormones. In other words, my body continued to think it was pg.

When we went to the pregnancy crisis center the day after I had seen the mw, the low-level u/s showed no baby.

I went to a kind OB on Monday. I had a Level II u/s. What we discovered was that my uterus and overies were healthy, but dormant. My uterus was normal, non-pregnant size. Yet I continue to have pregnancy symptoms. My hands and feet and face are swollen, my nipples are still darker than normal, and my milk supply has never returned, for example.

My belly has shrunk somewhat, but I still look pg. I assume that it is simple a combination of fluid and extra weight that my body continued to accumulate due to the wrong horomones flooding my system.

We are checking the levels of the pituitary hormones that regulate your cycle. We are also getting a prolactin level and thyroid. My hope is that there will be a fairly simple way to jump start the right hormones into production.

Now, let me address *this* issue. There is the possibility that I was never pg to begin with. Some of you might remember that I had a negative blood test at the beginning of this pregnancy. And since we do UP/UC, we never had an u/s. We were kind of beating our selves up for that at first, until we remembered WHY we didn't have an u/s early on, and why we chose to proceed as we did.

First, it is important to know that I have a history of false negatives. For instance, with my second son I continued to get negatives until 11 weeks. So when I continued to have all my standard pregnancy symptoms after a negative blood test, we decided to take a wait-and-see approach. Who would have been willing to give me an u/s with no BFP? What we decided was that if I was pg, it would declare itself soon enough, so no harm in just waiting it out.

So why, when things continued to progress as a pregnancy, would we question it? Which was not to say that we didn't actually...how could we not after my missed miscarriage last Fall? But when I could feel movement regularly and from the outside could make out lumps and what seemed to be baby shapes...

Even right now, I can feel what the mw even assumed to be my fundus, measuring about 34 cm. I thought it was too! What is it now that we know it's not my fundus? Beats me.

Anyway, pseudocyesis...that is the name for false pregnancy...used to be pretty common, surprisingly. One figure I've seen estimates it to have been around 1 in every 250 women experienced it. It was apparently never widely discussed, because doctors and mw's were often embarrassed that THEY had diagnosed the woman as pregnant. Somewhere around 1% of these women actually went into labor, producing no baby. I can't see how a pregnancy would get that far without the doctor or mw being able to feel realistic signs from the outside.

I did not have a "false" labor, but I did have plenty of ctx that completely subsided about a few weeks ago. At the end of Sept. I spent a day having regular ctx. I didn't feel like they were leading to labor, but they were strong enough to call my dh home to watch the boys. So, was this my womb beginning to shrink?

Right now I am feeling grateful that I will have the opportunity to give my body some time to get back on track in the next several months while dh is at boot camp and Officer Candidate School. I won't feel any internal pressure to get pg. And I am hopeful that we can get my hormones back in line and maybe get a few normal cycles going before we have an opportunity to try again. Even though I know I will start to long for a baby...I feel like I've been waiting so long...I will not have to wonder if I am pg or worry about it at all for at least 6 months.

I hope this isnt' too rambling. I've been working on it off and on for hours, in between vacuuming and helping my boys clean their room. And now lunch is ready. Well, if I've forgotten anything I can come back later and add it.

Oh! I also got blood drawn to be checked for Factor V Leiden blood clotting disorder. My cousin, who had several losses, including a full-term son who was born still, got diagnosed with that this summer, and it is genetic. I am wondering if that might be a clue to two losses.

Tracy, doula and Army wife and homeschooling mama to A and E
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#2 of 23 Old 11-22-2006, 03:18 PM
 
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Oh my goodness, mama... There are no words to describe my sadness for you - for while there may or may not have been a baby in your womb at some point, the loss is still very real, I'm sure. You were planning excitedly for your little one as we all were, and for what will not be, I am very sorry

I had a blighted ovum six years ago. There were so many people who said 'Well, at least there wasn't a baby in there, right? That has to make you feel better'. It didn't! I felt just as empty as if there had been. We had been excited for weeks and had been trying for years before that. It was no less of a loss to me.

I hope that your body's hormone levels return to normal quickly and that you find some healing physically and emotionally while dh is away training. Thank you for updating and for sharing your story, as it may help someone else to heal, too.

Much love, mama
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#3 of 23 Old 11-22-2006, 03:35 PM
 
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tracy, i am so glad to hear from you and so sorry for what you are going through. i hope that you are giving yourself time to grieve this baby that you were planning for. i don't know what else to say right now but know that i am thinking of you and sending tons of love and support your way. i am so so sorry that you don't have a baby in your arms right now. i am glad that you are able to look at the bright side of your dh being gone the next few months. please know that i would love to help you in any way that i can- charlotte isn't that far.

here is a big huge giant hug for you, .

how are your boys and your dh?
love to you all,
chrissy

Chrissy, lucky mama to Noah (9), Lilah (6), Rowan (3) and Laney (1).
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#4 of 23 Old 11-22-2006, 03:45 PM
 
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Thank you so much fopr letting us know! I am so sorry you are going through all this. You sound very positive! Many hormone in balance vibes to you!!!

OUR DAUGHTERS ARE PROTECTED SHOULDN'T OUR SONS BE TOO! :
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#5 of 23 Old 11-22-2006, 03:56 PM
 
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Thank you for sharing your story. You are in my thoughts and I am glad you are looking forward and thinking positively. I am a firm believer that things in life happen for a reason even if it is not immediately apparent what that reason is. Take time to grieve, hold that little person in your heart and look forward to life with your loving family. Many blessings sent your way.
Amber

11/06 and 1/09 :
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#6 of 23 Old 11-22-2006, 04:35 PM
 
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I can't even imagine the wave of emotions you must have gone through recently. Thinking of you, you sound so strong right now!
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#7 of 23 Old 11-22-2006, 08:10 PM
 
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Wow, that is certainly not a story you would ever think you would tell, huh? I think if I were in your shoes I wouldn't know how to feel. I'm so sorry that your experience did not end with a babe in arms : Thanks for updating us and I hope that the coming months bring you peace and healing.
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#8 of 23 Old 11-22-2006, 08:45 PM
 
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Tracy, I am so sorry for your loss. I'm glad to hear that you are doing ok. I hope you find some answers.

There is no way to happiness, happiness is the way.
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#9 of 23 Old 11-22-2006, 11:54 PM
 
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That's so much to take in for you I'm sure. I'm sorry for the loss you are feeling right now. As Amanda mentions, it is a real loss. Take care of yourself sweetie. Take it one day at a time...

In love with Dh since 1998. We created Ds (7.1.03), Dd (10.16.06) and Dd (3.16.09).
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#10 of 23 Old 11-24-2006, 09:10 PM
 
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For the child of your heart.

Wishing you all support and love.

Spark and her four firecrackers.
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#11 of 23 Old 11-24-2006, 09:23 PM
 
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and hope that your body heals itself physically and emotionally, completely. You are very brave to share your story with all of here on mothering.com, thank you; We can all learn from each other...but I am so sorry for the sense of confusion and loss that you must have been flooded with lately.:

 Mama to my tribe
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#12 of 23 Old 11-26-2006, 03:44 PM
 
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Wow, that's really incredible. I dont mean that in a mean way. I don't really know what I mean, I just don't mean it to be insensitive. It's just that I can't imagine how much this is to take in for you, and I'm sorry about your loss - it's all loss, no matter how far along you were or what happened.

Last night I was thinking about you a lot (hadn't checked here in a few days) and was going to PM you if I didn't see any posts by you. I'm so glad you're okay, and I'm glad there are no complications, and I'm glad that you're taking it okay.

photosmile2.gifBabs + trekkie.gifCurtis - Parents of Tempest blahblah.gif(08/07/03 autismribbon.gif), Jericho angel2.gif(11/01/05 ribboncesarean.gif), Xan moon.gif(10/03/06 uc.jpghbac.gif), Zephyra baby.gif(06/02/11 hbac.gif). mdcblog5.gif @ babyslime.livejournal.com

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#13 of 23 Old 11-26-2006, 05:54 PM
 
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I cannot imagine how dissapointed you must feel after going through a whole pregnancy and then not having a baby. Thank you for sharing your experience. I do have a couple questions.

Did your midwife get a heartbeat throughout your pregnancy? Did you feel fetal movement? I'm very curious about this and not insensitive in anyway.

Trying to build up my house, not tear it down namaste.gif.   Got 3 wonderful kids jumpers.gif  ribboncesarean.gif autismribbon.gif, blessed with a wonderful husband luxlove.gif and have the privilege of staying home full time to enjoy it all! 

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#14 of 23 Old 11-26-2006, 06:44 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thank you all for thinking of me and for your sympathy. It makes a difference for me. It helps.

Quote:
Originally Posted by *~Danielle~* View Post
I cannot imagine how dissapointed you must feel after going through a whole pregnancy and then not having a baby.
You summed up exactly how I feel right now. Not only did I go through a whole pregnancy, but I was 6 months along last year when we discovered my missed miscarriage, and then got pg less about 2 months later. So it *feels* like I was pg for 18 months...and yet no baby.

For real, that's the part that is making me cry right now. It is overwhelming to think that it would take yet another nine months to get one. And that we are nowhere near beginning that 9 months. So, how long will it be before I hold another baby of mine? How old will my children be? The thought of it makes me want to say Hey, my two precious boys are looking pretty good. Think we'll just leave it at that. Yk?

Not to mention, but my body still acts as though it is pg. I feel like I am experiencing a pregnancy in reverse. My hips and lower back still feel so loose and ache. I am less tired and have a little more energy, but still, I am not up to snuff yet. It's pretty frustrating.

Quote:
Did your midwife get a heartbeat throughout your pregnancy? Did you feel fetal movement? I'm very curious about this and not insensitive in anyway.
Well, those ARE the questions, aren't they? I actually meant to include info about movement in my OP. I don't mind telling you my experience, though my answers are somewhat unsatisfying.

First, we were doing UP--unassisted pregnancy. The mw we went to a few weeks ago...that was the first time we'd seen her. As for the heartbeat, I *thought* I'd heard it a couple of times. What does *that say about my heartbeat-hearing abilities?

In my defense, when my friend who was 4.5 months pg was visiting me about 2 months ago, she and I both heard what we thought was her baby's heartbeat. So, whatever it is that I heard...it sounded like a hb to someone else, too!

Movement--I *did* feel movement. There was less movement than I would have preferred to feel relaxed, having had a loss. But there WAS regular, daily movement (or what I thought was movement). Both of my living children were very calm/quiet in the womb. Both were in one position from the time we could tell from the outside what position they were in. My first was always head down, very low. The most major movement he performed was to sometimes swing his bum across my belly. So it wasn't that different for me.

I have a few theories. One of them is that it was simply phantom movement, like when someone loses a limb. That is very real and well-documented. Some people never lose the sensation that they still have their limb. Some people, in the early days, experience the pain of their injury so strongly that they are given pain medication for it. It is not a stretch for me to think that this could apply to a pregnancy that is lost.

Tracy, doula and Army wife and homeschooling mama to A and E
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#15 of 23 Old 11-26-2006, 06:52 PM
 
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Tracy...I am so sorry for what you are going through. I know how hard fertility issues in general can be.

i wanted to comment on the movements. I have had 3 miscarriages - 6 weeks, 10 weeks and 10 weeks. I swear with each of the miscarriages I have started feeling movements when I would have been about 20 weeks pregnant. I mean they started with the whoosh of the early movements and moved on (although only for a short time) to more pronounced movements. I just wanted to offer more antectdotal evidence for phantom fetal movements. I pray you will find some peace and comfort during this time.
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#16 of 23 Old 11-26-2006, 09:08 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by numom499 View Post
i wanted to comment on the movements. I have had 3 miscarriages - 6 weeks, 10 weeks and 10 weeks. I swear with each of the miscarriages I have started feeling movements when I would have been about 20 weeks pregnant. I mean they started with the whoosh of the early movements and moved on (although only for a short time) to more pronounced movements. I just wanted to offer more antectdotal evidence for phantom fetal movements. I pray you will find some peace and comfort during this time.
Wow, that is pretty interesting. I'm sorry you went through that. Thank you for sharing it.

Tracy, doula and Army wife and homeschooling mama to A and E
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#17 of 23 Old 11-26-2006, 10:49 PM
 
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It's good to hear from you, Tracy. I think about you every day and am always wondering how you are
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#18 of 23 Old 11-27-2006, 04:18 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by citizenfong View Post
Wow, that is pretty interesting. I'm sorry you went through that. Thank you for sharing it.
thanks, tracy. it sucks - as you already know
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#19 of 23 Old 11-27-2006, 09:38 AM
 
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thank you for being so candid and open about this. I pray peace be upon you.

Trying to build up my house, not tear it down namaste.gif.   Got 3 wonderful kids jumpers.gif  ribboncesarean.gif autismribbon.gif, blessed with a wonderful husband luxlove.gif and have the privilege of staying home full time to enjoy it all! 

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#20 of 23 Old 11-27-2006, 03:56 PM
 
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Hi hon,

I had a complete molar pregnancy that ended in surgery at 18 weeks, in October. I had been UP'ing also, but went in due to recurrent bright red bleeding after over 6 weeks of brown spotting.

I too had thought I felt movement; I still feel that sensation from time to time, though not as often, and it's something that I had not experienced (or noticed?) prior to the pregnancy. My lower abdomen would "jump around" especially after I sneezed or laughed really hard. I was so excited.

The pregnancy was dreadful, with hyperemesis that did not end and fatigue down to the marrow (now we know that all this was caused by the skyrocketing hormones of a decidedly abnormal pregnancy); but I would have given anything to continue that hell to the end if there was any chance it could have given me a baby, even a baby that could only live in the womb, even a baby that would die.

Sitting in the exam room. We'd heard no heartbeat on Doppler and seen no recognizable form on visual U/S, but no one had spoken to us, no one had told us what the story would be. Running through my head the refrain: nobabynobabynobabynobabynobabynobabynobabynobabyno baby...

The OB/GYN walked in and handed me a note. "Hydatiform mole." Two words. I was in such shock that I didn't even notice the misspelling (very unusual for me). Dh had no idea what it meant. The OB/GYN began to explain. "It's rare."
"And serious," I said. The tears did not come until I was home again.

I went to sleep a few nights just holding dh and crying. "i wanted a baby, i wanted a baby."

It was so hard dealing with the irony that so many people easily get babies they don't plan, while our long-awaited baby turned out not to be. We had been waiting and actively planning for five years; I had been longing for a baby for a decade, taking all that time to research and to create the best life situation I could for a baby while actively avoiding conception. I can't imagine how hard it would have been if we had been trying for years with infertility, or if the gestation had been longer. We have to wait a year now to try again, due to the need to monitor hCG levels to detect cancerous recurrence, and just this having-to-wait is torture.

I cannot know how you feel. Your grief belongs to you, and you have every right to experience it however it comes to you, without being told how you ought to feel. Just know that you are not alone.

Hugs to you, mama.
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#21 of 23 Old 11-28-2006, 11:16 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Kaylee, thank you for sharing your sad story. You are right when you say I am not alone...I can see that our sorrow is similar. There are so many things we would talk about if you were right here in my living room. But most importantly we would give each other a great big hug.

Tracy, doula and Army wife and homeschooling mama to A and E
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#22 of 23 Old 11-28-2006, 12:27 PM
 
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Ah, Tracy... I don't know what to say... never have words these days for anything. But wanted to let you know I'm thinking about you in whatever stumbling and inadequate ways I can.

Many hugs to you, mama.

Jaya- unschooling mama to Ariah Rayheartbeat.gif1/02   Rukundo Pacifiquebuddamomimg1.png11/08  

missing Trace Oak candle.gif 10/25/06

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#23 of 23 Old 12-03-2006, 07:45 PM
 
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Mama...I am so sorry. I wish you peace and healing.

Mama of 2 boys, 5 girls.grouphug.gif

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