What does your DP/DH do for you? - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 12 Old 06-23-2006, 11:09 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I am feeling down tonight because I feel like mine doesn't do anything special unless I make a fuss. I wish my baby had a different dad.
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#2 of 12 Old 06-23-2006, 11:13 PM
 
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It's somewhat incomprehensible to me when the father doesn't go out of his way to love and care for his babys mother. Even when I have been with the father(s) I may as well have been alone and I am, in fact, alone at this point.

Boys: 12/94, 1/99, 11/03, 6/11. Girls: 11/06, 10/09, 12/12 2ndtri.gif

 
       

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#3 of 12 Old 06-24-2006, 02:23 PM
 
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With my dd, dh was soooo caring, reminding me to drink enough water, and eat well, giving me massages from time to time, always talking to the baby and touching my belly, preparing candlelit baths for me, and in general just being very understanding and supportive. This time around... nothing. I physically put his hand on my belly once in a while so he can have contact.... he doesn't ask about me or the baby, and in general acts like my pregnancy related complaints are just melodrama. And when I talk about names he'll veto ones he doesn't like, but doesn't contribute, saying "oh, I don't have a head for that," even though he did the first time around.... I have repeatedly asked him to be more involved, and he says he understands, but then doesn't do anything.... on another forum someone suggested doing a pregnancy journal and asking him to contribute, but that isn't working either...... ideas anyone? (sorry EmmetnLindley and Kawa Kamuri, I don't have ideas because I'm in the same boat)
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#4 of 12 Old 06-24-2006, 03:14 PM
 
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I'm like Emily, DH was awesome during my first pregnancy and then we lost a baby at 16 weeks the second pregnancy. Since then he just has not been able to bond or get excited about it. With my last pregnancy he started getting excited and involved at about 32 weeks so he was awesome the last 2 months. This time, he usually forgets I'm pregnant. We found out we are having a boy recently (which we have never done) so that has helped a ton. I heard him telling his friend that we were having another boy and how psyched he was. He even called him by name so I know he's excited and cares. I think in the grand scheme of things they just really don't get it. DH loves our children and he is the best labor coach in the world (I swear he could be a doula), but I have been pregnant for something like 42 months out of the last 57 (since we have been married). I think it's like old hat now.

Marcia
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#5 of 12 Old 06-24-2006, 03:36 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by emilyrose
With my dd, dh was soooo caring, reminding me to drink enough water, and eat well, giving me massages from time to time, always talking to the baby and touching my belly, preparing candlelit baths for me, and in general just being very understanding and supportive. This time around... nothing. I physically put his hand on my belly once in a while so he can have contact.... he doesn't ask about me or the baby, and in general acts like my pregnancy related complaints are just melodrama. And when I talk about names he'll veto ones he doesn't like, but doesn't contribute, saying "oh, I don't have a head for that," even though he did the first time around.... I have repeatedly asked him to be more involved, and he says he understands, but then doesn't do anything.... on another forum someone suggested doing a pregnancy journal and asking him to contribute, but that isn't working either...... ideas anyone? (sorry EmmetnLindley and Kawa Kamuri, I don't have ideas because I'm in the same boat)
I could have writen this almost exactly. He doesn't think my complaints are melodrama - I don't have many this time. But when I get ticked about him doing something stupid, you can hear his eyes roll and the "pregnancy hormones" alarm going off in his head. Thing is, it's not hormones... it is actually possible that you're wrong!!!

As for the journal thing - we did an online journal with my son's pregnancy, and he participated all the time. This time, his last entry was a couple months ago, basically saying, "Where am I? Gen writes about stuff at least once a week, and I agree with her for the most part. So if you want to know what's going on, read her side of the page." Oh, and then throwing in a crack about how I can sometimes be hard to live with because of the hormones and everything. If I have a sore back, he rubs it for less than a minute and then says his hands hurt (and then he wonders why I say I want a doula for labor - that won't cut it, dear!). I can't get him to listen to the heartbeat when I find it with the fetoscope. I was falling asleep on the couch one afternoon a week or so ago - he said, "Are you tired?" When I said I was, he *actually* asked me WHY? UM, BECAUSE I'M CARING FOR YOUR 16 MONTH OLD ALL DAY, EVERY DAY, AND I'M PREGNANT!!!

I don't get it. He's such a great guy normally. I'm chalking it up to him being worried about adding another baby to the mix... but that doesn't make me want to kick him in the butt any less.
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#6 of 12 Old 06-24-2006, 04:00 PM
 
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wow, i feel more and more grateful for what dh does now; I'm so sorry that so many mamas are feeling unsupported right now

Given the constraints that we're under (mostly $$$ and dh's time) I feel well cared for: a lot of the time dh can be 'distant' but that's usually 'cos he's fretting about work stuff. He's really sweet about making me cups of tea, and seems to understand that I'm still pretty tired (ok, maybe that's an understatement!)

I think a big part of it for us is that we've been together a long time (OMG, it'll nearly 16 years now), and we've gotten through a lot of stuff; my first horrendous lupus flare (he had to bathe, dress me etc...and I was wheelchair bound), my second (and third) breakdown, and subsequent hospitalisation...and we've learned a little better how to nurture each other. Please don't get me wrong; we have the usual arguments, and we're neither of us perfect, but we seem to have figured out what's important to each other.

But if he uses the phrase 'in your condition....' one more time I may have to brain him with the sofa cushion :
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#7 of 12 Old 06-25-2006, 10:26 AM
 
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I think DH forgets most of of the time that I am pg. It was like this with DD, it's not that he is being mean about it in anyway, he is just always thinking of other things. I'll make a comment about how I can't do that, and Dh will just look at me like why, so I have to remind him. I don't take it personally, although I did get POed last week because he hated all my name choices but never bothered to make any input on ones he did like. If I need something special, I have to ask, which is fine by me, DH isn't a mindreader he doesn't know what I want unless I tell him. I keep getting leg cramps at night so I've been requesting that he massage my calves before bed. DH and I have a understanding about pg, birth,etc... he doesn't like to read or research anything, I do, because I have the info I make all the decsions. He trusts my judgement, if he is concerned about an aspect then we'll discuss it, otherwise it doesn't come up. I know that our arrangement contributes to him not being extremely involved in my pg, but it works for us.

There is no way to happiness, happiness is the way.
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#8 of 12 Old 06-25-2006, 03:36 PM
 
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I lucky mine dresses himself. I feel like I already have two babies....it's a main reason why I'm not exactly happy about this pregnancy.
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#9 of 12 Old 06-26-2006, 01:04 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by gen_here
If I have a sore back, he rubs it for less than a minute and then says his hands hurt (and then he wonders why I say I want a doula for labor - that won't cut it, dear!).
Yeah, what is it with guys and sucky massages anyway? Maybe they're just impatient or something... :
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#10 of 12 Old 06-28-2006, 01:31 AM
 
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Guys and sucky massages... so, so true!

My dh has been off and on with this pg. He was gung ho to TTC and very excited when we found out I was pg, and that helps. But in general, he's been less interested in and excited about this pg the farther along I get, unless something "big" comes up. We have an U/S next week and are hoping to find out gender. That will probably be pretty exciting--and I suspect he's going to start hounding me to death about names. (For the record, if it's twin boys, Finnegan and Again are right out. I'm standing my ground on this one.)

Oh, and he really annoyed me when I had a terrible day with my back. Coincidentally, his back was really bothering him. I said my back was bothering me, too. He ignored that and went on to gripe and whine about his back. His explanation? I'm always complaining about my back. (My back doesn't come up that much, I think, but it is an ongoing problem for me, so why shouldn't I complain about it from time to time?) Not to mention that the REASON my back hurts is because I'm pregnant, taking care of a 2 y.o., and trying to do all the normal stuff.

But in some ways, he's been better than he was the first time. The first time, the concept of sympathy for the pregnant lady who's throwing up for the bajillionth time didn't really enter his head. Finally, I told him to act sympathetic. That helped a little. This time, he was better about it--partly b/c dd needed him when I threw up--she was scared. So he saw something that he could *do* to help me.

Also, a lot of the pregnancy-related stuff seems to be sort of on auto-pilot. Like, he's less excited/interested in the pregnancy, but when I ask him to help carry/lift/pick things up, he does it without questioning it.
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#11 of 12 Old 06-30-2006, 04:14 PM
 
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I'm not sure if this will work for you guys but it's worth a try. At the beginning of my pregnancy, dh wasn't really all that involved in terms of asking me how I felt or about the baby. So, what I did was went out and bought a book on "what to expect when your an expectant father" and it's written from a man's perspective. He was able to find humor in it while at the same time it educated him on just what we go through growing a baby inside of us. Really helped us alot and since the book, he's been a lot more involved. Sometimes when it comes from us, they look at it as being nagged. But coming from another guy they actually listen. I wish all you mommas lots of luck. It took a lot of working with my husband to get him more involved.... at one point I even asked him if he was unhappy that we were pregnant, because that 's the way he was making me feel???? Take care, and even if dh doesn't come around during the course of your pregnancy, he'll definitely come around when the little miracle arrives!!!
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#12 of 12 Old 06-30-2006, 05:59 PM
 
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Another thought is that a lot of first-time dads and probably some experienced dads don't feel like the pregnancy is real until the third trimester. I think since we feel all the symptoms earlier, we spend a lot more time thinking about it from the beginning. And for me, I need nine months to think/adjust/prepare. But I don't think dh needs all that time--he probably likes to enjoy the first two trimesters when things seem status quo. Given that this is posted in our DDC and we're probably all due around November, it makes sense that right now it's bothering US that the dads are oblivious, but that THEY won't even tune in until August or September.

Another difference in dh--the first time I was pg, any time anything would happen, he was fearful I/the baby were hurt. Mug slips out of my hands while unloading the dishwasher? He shouts, "Are you okay?!?" from the other room. It was sweet, in a way, but also kind of annoying. He doesn't do that this time, and it's kind of a relief.
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