Anyone here with 'widely spaced' children? - Mothering Forums
November 2006 > Anyone here with 'widely spaced' children?
leavemealone's Avatar leavemealone 08:20 PM 09-11-2006
My first child is now six years old and I am wondering how she will handle the new baby. Right now, she seems to be totally in denial about it - not wanting to talk about it or even look at anything baby related. We don't bring it up with very much, but people will ask me about the baby when DD is around and DD just says something like "I don't want to talk about it". She's always been hesistant to change, but once the change happens, she's usually fine with it. For example: when we moved to our new house, she was concerned about meeting kids in the neighborhood, but once we moved, she was fine with it and met plenty of kids her age.

We've tried pointing out friends of hers who have siblings and how they still spend time with their moms and dads, etc. I know DD is probably just worried about how things will change since she's been the only child for a lot longer than most kids are and she'll probably come around once the baby gets here, but does anyone have any advice? Anyone been in this situation?

wanderlost's Avatar wanderlost 09:31 PM 09-11-2006
My son will be seven in October and my step-son is 11, so we have a large gap. My step son doesn't live with us, and hasn't said much at all. I asked him if he wanted to feel the baby move and he said no and that was about the extent to which he has spoken about it.

Our seven year old, however, reverts between talking about it a tiny bit, and saying things like "I hate the newbaby." I try to validate his feelings and let him know that it is OK not to be excited, but that the baby is coming anyway and that he'll probably like it at some point. We talk about how I didn't want my brother to be born when i was a kid and now we are great friends, that sort of stuff. He also said he was afraid I might love the new baby more than him. I try very hard to reassure him every chance I get, but it can be very trying for all of us. I am just praying that once baby comes things will fall into some sort of routine that we can all live with. So I have no real advice, but I can commiserate with you.
jake's mom's Avatar jake's mom 09:59 PM 09-11-2006
I'm from Oct ddc but couldnt help but reply-my son is almost 10-I had him kinda young, and now am having another one beginning oct and I can't believe the comments that some people make about it, like it's any of thier business why I waited so long to have another one : Ugh, I especially hate the 'mistake' question or comment, even when it's posed as a joke. I'm so excited to be having another baby after all these years and my son can't wait either and I know he'll make an awesome big brother as he already is an awesome kid in general.
whew, that could've turned into a huge vent...: !!!
BathrobeGoddess's Avatar BathrobeGoddess 10:34 PM 09-11-2006
My dd is 11! She and my ds are 9 years apart and she will be almost 12 wehn the new one is born. She did great with it when ds was born and she is still his "best friend."
egoldber's Avatar egoldber 10:57 PM 09-11-2006
My DD is 5. That's not necessarily "widely spaced" but its definitely the widest spacing of almost anyone I know personally. Honestly, I think the spacing will work out well, even though it is definitely not the spacing we would have chosen, but 3 miscarriages and a full term loss were not in our plans either.
5thAttempt's Avatar 5thAttempt 12:35 AM 09-12-2006
Quote:
Originally Posted by jake's mom
Ugh, I especially hate the 'mistake' question or comment, even when it's posed as a joke.
I am with you. I am from december ddc and my son will be 9 and 1/2. "was it an accident" question drives me nuts since I had 4 m/c trying for the second baby and not too many people know about my struggle.

as for my ds - he is hangling new baby very good so far, he needs to give up one of his rooms (he has 2 rooms now - playroom and a bedroom). He is participating in decorations and even suggested and dad and him will handle night-time baby waking up since "I will be tired". He is too old to be a playmate for a new baby, but he is looking forward to be 12 and babysit the baby for an extra money "in case dad and you want to go to the theather".

However, at the same time he thinks that "pregnancy is not fun" since I can not bike, or play tennis and I have to make a shots daily and my back is hurting. He is old enoght to undestand what I am going trough since it is affects him.

He did ask me not to take him to the hospital when the baby will be born since someone (his friend - amazing what 9-year old talk about themself) told him that there might be blood and he does not want to see blood. He said that he will come to visit us once the baby is born.
Mamato2and2's Avatar Mamato2and2 01:24 AM 09-12-2006
My kids are spaced apart alot. My oldest is 13 and my next one is 7 and this one will be here with in the next month or two. When I was pregnant with #2, #1 didn't really even seem to notice. I know she was a little excited but she never really said anything positive or negative. This time around she is still the same way. My second child is much more expressive. At the beginning she wasn't to keen on the idea of not being the baby anymore but now she seems like she is kinda glad that I won't be babying her anymore and constantly wanting to snuggle and kiss her. One thing I do wish I would have done when dd2 was young-I wish I would have left her with my husband or family member more often just so that I could go for a walk or ice cream or dinner or ANYTHING alone with dd1. I think that would have really helped with the whole playing favorites thing...I am constantly telling dd1 that I have to treat them differently b/c they are at totally different ages and dd1 just thinks that I favor dd2 (which of course I don't).

I think your daughter will adjust perfectly once the baby is here. By the way, just b/c they are spaced out doesn't mean they won't fight!!!! Mine seems to fight even more than siblings that are closer in age...maybe it's just their personalities though.
kawa kamuri's Avatar kawa kamuri 01:56 AM 09-12-2006
Mine are spaced four, five and now three years apart. They'll be 12, 8 and 3 by mid-January.

My seven year old isn't thrilled about a new baby. He's fine with it but I figure he has more important things to think about.
Mrs_Hos's Avatar Mrs_Hos 02:05 AM 09-12-2006
My kids will be 4 yrs apart..and my dd is excited about the baby. I think the older the kid is the more they 'think thru it' and worry that mom won't be there for them anymore etc...
I used the 'this is YOUR baby' angle with dd...as if we will support HER in raising the baby--she has her responsibility and it is SHE that will need to love and comfort and teach the baby...
Probably wouldn't work for older kids tho...
I do think most kids 'come around' after the newness of it wears off!
I also know that the kid who is in love with the idea of a new baby may show lots of agression once the baby arrives!
theboysmama's Avatar theboysmama 02:28 AM 09-12-2006
My 4 year old ds is having a really hard time. He is acting out in all kinds of ways. He has a brother that is 2 yrs younger then him but I don't think he remembers when he was born. I am sure it will work itself out.

I was 6.5 when my brother was born. It is just he 2 of us. I remember how frustrated I was that he got so many presents and so much attention and I felt really left out. Someone gave me a huge doll that I still have. I loved it so much and it was so special to me. Also mom let me tast her breastmilk (expressed in a cup) I thought it was pretty disgusting and didn't feel leftout about the nursing thing after that. I would have liked to have more 1 on 1 time scheduled w/ mom but dad worked long hours (that is what i really remember needing though)

My brother and I are best friends today. He moved near us after ds1 was born so that he could be closer to his nephew. We see him 4-5 times a week adn he was at the birth of ds2 and helped dh cut the cord. We have an awesome relationship and are extremely close. We never were competitive as kids bcs we were so far apart and that was a good thing.

As I got used to the idea of having him around I enjoyed the spacing and having a little brother.
I am sureyour dd will come to love and appreciate the baby. Just make sure you give her plenty of time for her and give her presents when the little one is born. (Maybe the baby can bring her something.)
Enjoy!!!
yasmel's Avatar yasmel 06:31 AM 09-12-2006
My ds turns 6 yrs. old on 11/26 and his baby brother is due 11/8. He is very happy w/ the baby, he talks to my belly, caresses me, pokes at him, and even makes little noises to make him move. I think he will be a great big brother because I see him how he reacts to my friend's children.
leavemealone's Avatar leavemealone 10:47 AM 09-12-2006
Good to know that I am not the only one, although I do seem to be the only person I know in "real life" who will have kids spaced this far apart. I am sure that she will come around once the baby's here. I'm thinking it's just that her perception of what will happen will be totally different than what really happens. She probably thinks that we won't have time for her and the baby will always take all of my time away from her. Thankfully, we can have a quiet Thanksgiving and Christmas this year since the baby will be so little and we won't be travelling and hopefully we can spend a lot of time together as a newly expanded family.

I also am annoyed by people who assume that having kids this far apart was "unplanned" or a "surprise". It's almost as if they cannot understand why some people make the choice to have kids further apart than the traditional 2-3 years. We have been lucky to have gotten pregnant very quickly and, the last two times, only when we planned it (DD was a bit of a surprise and I had one m/c late last year) so for us, it's been quite the opposite.
Tiffany_in_ga's Avatar Tiffany_in_ga 02:17 PM 09-12-2006
My DD will be almost 14 when my DS is born!!! At first, she was devastated. She cried and cried and it was NOT a fun time. She told me she was scared I'd forget about her when the baby came. Once she realized that I would NEVER do that..and ALWAYS love her...she very quickly warmed up to the baby idea..and now she's borderline obsessed!! She's always looking at baby things and wanting to buy bibs and socks, etc. She has an ultrasound pic hanging on her bedroom wall. She even picked out his name :-) It's really awesome. I'm sure a lot of her reaction is because she IS so much older.....so she's almost a little mother hen, in a way. I wish you the best of luck...
hopeful1's Avatar hopeful1 07:51 PM 09-19-2006
Quote:
Originally Posted by Tiffany_in_ga View Post
My DD will be almost 14 when my DS is born!!! At first, she was devastated. She cried and cried and it was NOT a fun time. She told me she was scared I'd forget about her when the baby came. Once she realized that I would NEVER do that..and ALWAYS love her...she very quickly warmed up to the baby idea..and now she's borderline obsessed!! She's always looking at baby things and wanting to buy bibs and socks, etc. She has an ultrasound pic hanging on her bedroom wall. She even picked out his name :-) It's really awesome. I'm sure a lot of her reaction is because she IS so much older.....so she's almost a little mother hen, in a way. I wish you the best of luck...
Our daughters are close in age. My dd is 14 and she'll be turning 15 shortly after ds is born!!! It's quite a large gap. She has totally embraced the idea of having a little brother. I think it helped matters that we were having a boy as opposed to another girl. I think it made her feel more secure knowing she'll always be my only daughter. She knows no one could ever replace her. She also knows how precious life is since we lost a baby girl just two years ago a couple of days after she was born. My DD didn't get a chance to be a sister to her at all. That could have something to do with why she's embraced this pregnancy with love and anticipation.

Even those children that are apprehensive about a new sibling will eventually come around. Just make sure they are shown just as much attention and not made to feel left out.

RosesToys's Avatar RosesToys 07:11 PM 09-21-2006
I've got a wonderful dd who will be 5 on the 27th. She is so thrilled about the new baby. She has been wanting a brother or sister for the last year or two. lol She is always flashing my belly to people, kissing my belly, talking to the baby through my belly button - her own personal microphone to the baby - and hugging the baby. I finally got pregnant this year (I had a miscarriage in Feb. 2006) and we were trying for 2 1/2 years to get pregnant, and she is just so happy about it. The hardest thing for her has been waiting so long. I've tried to explain numerous times that it wouldn't be good for the baby to come out yet, but it's still hard for her to wait.

I think that our timing is actually working out pretty darn well. I had not wanted closely spaced children, but 3 years would have been fine for me. But dd just started kindergarten a couple of weeks ago so now I will have at least 3-4 hours a day to spend alone with the new baby. I think that will help, and it is great when I feel like crap or am exhausted, which is most of the time.
mama2toomany's Avatar mama2toomany 07:35 PM 09-21-2006
my first two where close together.

DS#1 is 9
DS#2 is 7

but DD is further apart and is 20 months old
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