there are several areas I feel need fixing in my home right now. so, I'll just explain my general situation.
I have an 8 yr old ds and a 8 week old dd. My 8 yr old is from a previous relationship. Dh & I have been together for about 15 months. In that time his attitude towards my son has become more and more correctional. He constantly is trying to teach him a lesson about something or the other. Ds wants to do nothing but watch tv, play video games and constantly asks us to buy yugioh cards for him. He gives attitude when he doesn't get his way and also has been answering back lately. Dh says that I let him get away with this. I am trying to practice GD with ds but everytime something happens dh jumps and starts yelling at him. It's getting out of hand and I don't know what to do.
I don't like ds habits and I don't like dh either.
Your situation sounds a lot like mine--I have an 8yo from another relationship and a 8 month old with DH....
And boy oh boy do dh and ds get on each other's nerves!!!
I don't have any advice, since we are going through the same type of problems too, but I wanted to let you know that EVERY parent I have talked to that has an 8 year old has complained of the same problems--so it really must be the age.
I'm hoping it will pass quickly!
All the negativity in the house is driving me batty!
I think it is a great book--especially for giving to someone just getting used to kiddos and how they think. DH has a hard time with ds since his parents didn't set the best example for him--he doesn't have anything to model. This book gave him some ideas of how to say what he was really thinking--without the anger/frustration.
The only problem is that if you don't use 'it' (the ideas from the book), it is way too easy to revert back to old ways....
Originally posted by Marsupialmom I would also recommend
The Wonder of Boys: What Parents, Mentors and Educators Can Do to Shape Boys into Exceptional Men
by Michael Gurian
Your dh needs to quit trying to teach but just have fun. Does your dh know any of ds games? Try to get your son to teach dh to play his game/way.
Also I would set limits on these play station and the such.
As far as dh playing more with ds, this is what i tell hime but he doesn't listen to me. he, for some reason thinks that he needs to "get him into shape" or something. that's why i said i having several issues at home. we can't seem to agree on a parenting/discipline method. he actually doens't seem to care abotu having one. it's really getting to me.
I limit the time ds is allowed to watch tv and play videos games but it's always a battle. that's all he wants to do.
Originally posted by Marsupialmom It helps if you or dh can get him involved in an activity.
Can you find a "organized" sport/activity to help.
You might want to load up a grocery bag with different items. Yarn, string, paper plates, soda bottles, milk jars, et.
Tell him to build you something. Walk away and let him come up with something.
You can help give him ideas but let him figure out what else he wants to do.
Also, have a quite time were every one looks/reads books for a while.
Those are great suggestions. Ds plays basketball but not right now, it's over for the year until Feb. We are both (dh& I) very involved in this.
I have tried giving ds other things to do in the house but he doesn't want to. He does them reluctantly, like if I am forcing him to do something he really doesn't want to do. Maybe that's normal at this age....?
I do think it is some of the age. My son is 9 and I swear sometimes we are just dealing with hormones.
If you can get a basket ball goal for outside.
Get one for the back of his door.
This might sound horrible but when my son gets in these "moods" I tell him to go outside and run it off. He runs laps around the house until his attitude is gone. Some times I have to chase it out of him
with a touch of tickling.
I know it is cold but that can be an incentive not to be such a booger.
First, a disclaimer. My oldest is 4 and I have no experience with "blended families", but...
Seems like your son has lots of reasons to want to withdraw into TV and video games: new baby and a step father who rags on him. I suspect that if you work on the family dis-harmony thing, the other problems might go away. I also have total admiration for you if you have the energy to do anything right now!
I think you need to find a way to get your husband and you onto the same page in terms of expectations and discipline. Can you take a parenting class (carefully chosen to correspond to your viewpoint, of course) together? Can you read a book together and agree to try to implement it? Can you go to family counseling or talk to your clergy-person (if you do church)? Anything to get you working together at the same goals and with the same techniques. Maybe its time for a set behaviour/reward chart or something. Its not a technique I like a lot, but at least it is one that is really easy for two people to agree on and use consistantly. And I really do thing that that is the key to turning the situation around.
You may also want to have a frank conversation about WHY he feels / acts like he does. Maybe you can find a way to address the underlying concern.
Ds has had a lot of upheaval in his life this year - new stepfather, new sister. (Think death-in-the-family level of stress here.) He's suddenly not the center of your parenting universe anymore, and there's suddenly a new 'official' authority figure in his life. Dh may be feeling the desire to establish hierarchy/dominance, to 'get things in order' - he may feel like this is his duty or job. He and your son are also trying to hammer out how the relationship between you and them will work. Dh wants ds to respect him, to see him as an authority, and ds is probably afraid that he is being replaced in your life, by dd as well as by dh. If I were ds, I'd be freaking out right now too!
I guess the route I'd take is lots and lots of empathy for both ('I know this is a hard time for you - it's reasonable for you to feel this way,' etc), and as much extra one-on-one mommy time as you can spare for ds. That *doesn't* make you a pushover. It doesn't mean you have no rules. It just means this is an extremely stressful time in your son's life, and he needs some compassion to get through it. And reassurance that he is still the wonderful, lovable kid that you've always adored and that you still adore him. That you miss spending that one-on-one time with him. And he needs to know that he's not crazy for feeling stressed out about this.
Dh needs to know that you understand his desire to get things in order & his desire to be respected by his new son. That it certainly is frustrating to get 'the attitude' from a child. Just that it's reasonable for him to feel this way (even if you *can't* change these things, just that you understand why he would feel that way). Hopefully dh (as the other adult in the relationship) can also see that ds is extremely stressed out by all the changes in his life, and can try to be a bit more compassionate & forgiving of your son's outbursts/attitude. Not with an eye towards completely ignoring it, but just with a bit more understanding as to why ds would act this way (the real reason, not whatever momentary crisis is currently bugging him).
There's a great book about this called 'I don't have to make everything all better' that talks about the power of empathy. I recommend it highly.
What I'm talking about is a really difficult thing to do in the heat of the moment. Something to aspire to, anyway (can you tell I'm speaking from experience?)
:
Best of luck to you with your new family.
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