Do you use 'please'? - Page 5 - Mothering Forums

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Old 12-29-2008, 05:55 AM
 
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I don't always say please. If I am asking for something, then yes, but if I am telling her to do something that is not optional, then no.

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Old 12-29-2008, 12:14 PM
 
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Originally Posted by stickywicket67 View Post
what's with the hating on Americans??? not all of them are rude non please saying demanding jerks!


i say please and thank you all the time but in some instances i find it condescending and rude to add please to a demand/command.



i would say "would you mind moving your car?" before i'd ever say "please move your car". tacking on the "please" just doesn't make it sound polite to me. which is why i have problem with commands/demands with please added on. "please get out of my way" is rude no matter how you slice it. but a simple "pardon me" is not. "excuse me, please" would be ideal.


i don't think the OP meant she never uses the word please or doesn't "model" for her child how to be polite. my impression was that she was observing the overuse of the word "please" to where it becomes meaningless.
Not hating on Americans here - just replying to a comment about cultural differences in another post. The fact that the use of the word please doesn't make something sound more polite to you tells me that we live in a different context because where I live it simply does sound polite and is considered the norm.

Me saying that my FIL's choice of expressions sounds rude to my ears doesn't mean that I think he or all Americans are rude any more than him rolling his eyes at me means that he and all Americans think that all Canadians are uptight wimps who can't speak directly.

There isn't one universally correct way to communicate politely and clearly - there are regional and cultural differences, as well as different values and priorities in each family
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Old 12-29-2008, 03:40 PM
 
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Originally Posted by lurve View Post
i think it is more the tone of voice in my household than the word "please." i generally use "please" but sometimes i don't. but i KNOW it is my tone of voice that really carries whether it is a request/demand/me in a bad mood/etc. I think more is learned by how I present the request with my body language rather than with my actual words...

yup.

i try not to use the word "please" when i'm irritated or annoyed. it does nothing to teach good manners to hear me say "get off the table please!" or "could you please hang up your wet towel"

in fact, i think it sounds imperious.

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Originally Posted by Shantimama View Post
Not hating on Americans here - just replying to a comment about cultural differences in another post. The fact that the use of the word please doesn't make something sound more polite to you tells me that we live in a different context because where I live it simply does sound polite and is considered the norm.

Me saying that my FIL's choice of expressions sounds rude to my ears doesn't mean that I think he or all Americans are rude any more than him rolling his eyes at me means that he and all Americans think that all Canadians are uptight wimps who can't speak directly.

There isn't one universally correct way to communicate politely and clearly - there are regional and cultural differences, as well as different values and priorities in each family
i was kidding.

i grew up in the US but my parents are very proper British. i grew up saying "please", "may i?" "thank you very much" and the "fine, thank you. how are you?"

so i hear what you are saying. i think we are missing context for some of the uses of please. context and tone.

for example- i find it incredibly rude when i greet someone who enters my little shop with "how are you today?" and i don't get in return a simple "fine, thank you. how are you?". i'm just being polite and acknowledging their presence. in the US it seems like people take my polite greeting as an inquisition.
are people in Canada that wigged out by friendly sales clerks?
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Old 12-29-2008, 04:25 PM
 
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Originally Posted by stickywicket67 View Post
i grew up in the US but my parents are very proper British. i grew up saying "please", "may i?" "thank you very much" and the "fine, thank you. how are you?"

so i hear what you are saying. i think we are missing context for some of the uses of please. context and tone.

for example- i find it incredibly rude when i greet someone who enters my little shop with "how are you today?" and i don't get in return a simple "fine, thank you. how are you?". i'm just being polite and acknowledging their presence. in the US it seems like people take my polite greeting as an inquisition.
Yes, the point is there seem to be fairly major regional differences in usage and attitude to terms like please and thank you. I find it unfathomable that people find using please "smarmy" or "manipulative," but it may be a matter of community standards.
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are people in Canada that wigged out by friendly sales clerks?
Maybe. When my family travelled to the southern U.S., we seemed to run into a lot of sales clerks who wanted to chat about what we were buying. That seemed intrusive to me, but again, it may be a cultural difference.

Canadians do get kidded a lot about the excessive use of thank you. In the course of one minor purchase, either the sales clerk or I have said thank you as many as six times in a couple of minutes. She says thank you when I hand her the money; I say thank you when she gives me the change; she says thank you when I hand over a coupon; I say thank you when she hands me the parcel, and again when she gives me the receipt. She says thank you for shopping at (store name), and wishes me a nice day. I say thank you, and leave. I never think about it at the time, because everybody does it; but objectively, I can see that it might sound odd to someone from other, less compulsively grateful parts of the world.
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Old 01-01-2009, 10:12 PM
 
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For a short while we used the phrase "you may", but when studying NVC we learned it can be interpreted as manipulation. The same can be said with adding "please" to our requests to sugar-coat them.

We do use the word "please". However, we are mindful when using it. We are careful not to whine when saying "please" or to say it in a questioning tone. We simply say, "I would like you to help me now, please". Mostly though we would phrase it as "I need your help cleaning up the toys".

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Old 01-01-2009, 10:56 PM
 
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Originally Posted by lovesprout View Post
For a short while we used the phrase "you may", but when studying NVC we learned it can be interpreted as manipulation. The same can be said with adding "please" to our requests to sugar-coat them.

We do use the word "please". However, we are mindful when using it. We are careful not to whine when saying "please" or to say it in a questioning tone. We simply say, "I would like you to help me now, please". Mostly though we would phrase it as "I need your help cleaning up the toys".

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