I hate my children right now (and my dh) - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 84 Old 01-15-2009, 03:03 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I feel so overwhelmed and alone.

Mylee just dumped her potty chair in the water filter with poop and pee.

The dog will not shut up and my dh is a self centered ahole.

I do not know how to climb out of this hole riight now!

Everything is out of control!

Mama to 9 so far:Mother of Joey (20), Dominick (13), Abigail (11), Angelo (8), Mylee (6), Delainey (3), Colton (2) and Baby 8 and Baby 9 coming sometime in July 2013.   If evolution were true, mothers would have three arms!

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#2 of 84 Old 01-15-2009, 03:07 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Seriously.....nothing I do is working.

We tried unschooling. They do nothing but fight.

We tried more structure. They do nothing but whine.

I try playful parenting and do everything by myself.

I went on strike. No one noticed.

Gentle discipline doesn't work. Strict punishments do not work.

I am at my wits end. They have NO motivator or currency. Neither does my dh or my fricking dog.

I am getting screwed over by EVERYONE in my home.

I just want to quit!

Mama to 9 so far:Mother of Joey (20), Dominick (13), Abigail (11), Angelo (8), Mylee (6), Delainey (3), Colton (2) and Baby 8 and Baby 9 coming sometime in July 2013.   If evolution were true, mothers would have three arms!

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#3 of 84 Old 01-15-2009, 03:08 PM
 
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I don't really have any solutions, but wanted to offer support and some s I hope you find some peace and some answers.

Vegan, mom to : Joe and Josh ::
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#4 of 84 Old 01-15-2009, 03:09 PM
 
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I'm so sorry. you sound so very overwhelmed. Is there anyone to give you a break? Can you leave the kids with your dh and just go sit in a coffee shop and read alone for a bit?

hope things improve,

-Angela
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#5 of 84 Old 01-15-2009, 03:11 PM
 
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deep breathes mama. I hope you can grab yourself some solo recharge time soon.
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#6 of 84 Old 01-15-2009, 03:11 PM
 
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Definitely agree w/ Angela- you need a breather. Go out by yourself for a few hours.


Momma to DD (12/04) hearts.gif and DS (11/09) hbac.gif.
I survived 16 mos! Ask me about breastfeeding a baby with posterior tongue tie, high palate, and weak oral motor skills- whew!

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#7 of 84 Old 01-15-2009, 03:13 PM
 
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no wisdom.

but couldnt read without posting.

~jen~ )O( mama to k 07/05 o 5/08 and c 12/09
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#8 of 84 Old 01-15-2009, 03:13 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Originally Posted by alegna View Post


I'm so sorry. you sound so very overwhelmed. Is there anyone to give you a break? Can you leave the kids with your dh and just go sit in a coffee shop and read alone for a bit?

hope things improve,

-Angela
No. THat is part of the issue.

Dh skipped a meeting last night to have a couple beers by himself and take a nap.

Meanwhile I took all 4 children (and my fat pregnant self) to work in like -30 degree windchill thinking he was busy at a meeting.

Really he just stayed home and had some "me" time.

I am lucky if I can pee once a day without someone talking to me.

And dh is no help in that department (he helps with cleaning and cooking.....but is not an equal parenting time partner)

Mama to 9 so far:Mother of Joey (20), Dominick (13), Abigail (11), Angelo (8), Mylee (6), Delainey (3), Colton (2) and Baby 8 and Baby 9 coming sometime in July 2013.   If evolution were true, mothers would have three arms!

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#9 of 84 Old 01-15-2009, 03:16 PM
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I went on strike. No one noticed.


I know you weren't trying to be funny, so sorry for laughing. But I do know where you're coming from. I totally did this too, thinking I'd finally get some appreciation. No one noticed either, and I just ended up having to do more work to catch up. It sucked!

I hope you have a better day tomorrow.
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#10 of 84 Old 01-15-2009, 03:17 PM
 
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Can you just walk away for a while? Unless you have a nursing infant who needs you for sustenance, everyone will survive in your absence.

Just go do something for you. I know that sounds lame, but do something "strange" just for you. Go swimming at an indoor pool and let the unusual sensations and the feeling of being isolated refresh you. Go to a tanning booth and let the light lift you. Go to a friend/family member's house and just hang out. If there is someone you know well and feel comfortable with, go cry on their shoulder or let them baby you for a while. Take a nap at someone else's house.

You are carrying too much on your shoulders and you're bound to snap! Give yourself a time out!

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#11 of 84 Old 01-15-2009, 03:20 PM
 
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I think I understand where you are at.
I agree that you need some time for yourself.
I have felt similar to the way you are describing and I honestly just had to get dressed and tell dh that I was leaving and would be back in a few hours and he would have to handle it.
One time, I actually just walked outside, got in the car and drove away. Then I called him a minute later to tell him I would be back in a few hours.
I'm not saying that this would be best for you...but my dh didn't seem open to me leaving for a few hours saying that my little one needed me around 24/7. He was already 18 months, still nursing and never been away from me for 2 hours straight. Well, the baby did just fine for 2 hours.
I take for myself regularly now...at least a couple of hours biweekly, and I feel much better for it. I'm a better mom and wife when I take care of myself and my needs.
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#12 of 84 Old 01-15-2009, 03:21 PM
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Originally Posted by AngelBee View Post
No. THat is part of the issue.

Dh skipped a meeting last night to have a couple beers by himself and take a nap.

Meanwhile I took all 4 children (and my fat pregnant self) to work in like -30 degree windchill thinking he was busy at a meeting.

Really he just stayed home and had some "me" time.

I am lucky if I can pee once a day without someone talking to me.

And dh is no help in that department (he helps with cleaning and cooking.....but is not an equal parenting time partner)
Well there you go! I have a teeny tiny feeling that that is the part of the reason you're feeling so grouchy today. I get like that too when it seems like DH gets to go off and have "me" time but I never get a chance. TAKE THE TIME. Even if it doesn't seem like you can. DO IT. You're pregnant. Tell your DH that you're not feeling well, that you're having contractions or something, and must rest. He's on duty. Then go lay down. Or take a bath. And read a good book, or watch TV, or whatever you can do without moving. If your kids ask you for something, tell them to go ask Daddy. My DH is a lot like yours; he just doesn't want to be on parenting duty. Like, ever. But mine HAS to step up to the plate sometimes, and so does yours. Just try it, what's the worst that can happen? (Well, besides fighting with your husband, but hopefully that won't happen. He got HIS free time yesterday.)
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#13 of 84 Old 01-15-2009, 03:25 PM
 
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This is going to sound harsh but dump the kids in his lap, make no room for negotiation, if you drive, take the vehicle and go for a long drive, if not take a walk. Get the heck out of dodge for an hour and make him give you that hour.

I've done it to my hubbs. Makes them change their tune pretty quick when they see that crazed look in your eyes as you walk out the door with the keys in hand.

It's not very AP or NFL but make him do it. Don't give him the choice, the moment his arse hits that door to walk in, you walk out. The only thing you should say is "kids are here, you watch them, I'm taking an hour of me time, see you later".

Don't argue, don't negotiate, don't say anymore than that.
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#14 of 84 Old 01-15-2009, 03:25 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Well there you go! I have a teeny tiny feeling that that is the part of the reason you're feeling so grouchy today. I get like that too when it seems like DH gets to go off and have "me" time but I never get a chance. TAKE THE TIME. Even if it doesn't seem like you can. DO IT. You're pregnant. Tell your DH that you're not feeling well, that you're having contractions or something, and must rest. He's on duty. Then go lay down. Or take a bath. And read a good book, or watch TV, or whatever you can do without moving. If your kids ask you for something, tell them to go ask Daddy. My DH is a lot like yours; he just doesn't want to be on parenting duty. Like, ever. But mine HAS to step up to the plate sometimes, and so does yours. Just try it, what's the worst that can happen? (Well, besides fighting with your husband, but hopefully that won't happen. He got HIS free time yesterday.)
That is part of the problem today I am sure. Honestly, I want to kick him out on his butt.

But the kids and I had a rough day yesterday to begin with....so this was the frosting on the cake.

My house is trashed! And it got like that in less then 24 hours.

I have come up with ways to fix it and NO ONE will listen and do it the way I said.

So meanwhile, I keep trying to slay the same dragons we have bee ntrying to slay for days, months, and years.

I am so sick or spinning my wheels in mud and seeing no progress.

I am afriad I am turning my kids into super negative beings because that is what I have become

Mama to 9 so far:Mother of Joey (20), Dominick (13), Abigail (11), Angelo (8), Mylee (6), Delainey (3), Colton (2) and Baby 8 and Baby 9 coming sometime in July 2013.   If evolution were true, mothers would have three arms!

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#15 of 84 Old 01-15-2009, 03:39 PM
 
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I agree you need to get out and away for a little while.

Also wondering, what kind of consequences do the kids get for whiny bad attitudes or trashing the house or not cleaning? Can you tell them that they can go sit in their rooms and whine or help happily and those are the only options? Can you dump all their messes like dirty dishes etc in their rooms or get rid of things they leave lying around? Because it sounds to me like they have no respect for you and house rules either.

Seriously, I'd tell them they can do the school activity you have planned in a structured way and do it w/o whining and w/o a bad attitude or they can go clean their rooms. If they choose to go to their rooms, I'd let them know you will be up in an hr or 2 to see if it's clean and I'd tell them - just leave out any of the stuff you want to get rid of and we'll donate it. Then I'd go put it in garbage bags and donate it if it weren't put away an hr or so later.

I'm assuming your kids are a bit older??? I didn't see ages....

First give yourself a break - then come up with some plans. Gentle discipline does not mean putting up with disrespect and bad attitudes all day long. That's permissive to me, gentle w/o the discipline. Maybe those ideas I listed won't work depending on your kid and how old they are, but it does sound to me like they need some sort of natural/logical consequences to motivate them.

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#16 of 84 Old 01-15-2009, 03:45 PM
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(hugs)

sounds like you are having a really tough day I have had some days like that myself. its really hard to get out of it sometimes...
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#17 of 84 Old 01-15-2009, 03:50 PM
 
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I think a break outside the home would do you good but I personally would not recommend a walk : It is freezing out! Is there an indoor play center where you can unleash the kids and I'm guessing their built up energy from staying ondoors? Olivia is bouncing off the walls and with the weather there isn't a lot of options. Sending hugs your way!
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#18 of 84 Old 01-15-2009, 03:52 PM
 
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I'd come rescue you if I lived nearby . I feel that way myself sometimes .

We could ditch all of our kids with the DH's and just go sit somewhere QUIET!

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#19 of 84 Old 01-15-2009, 03:55 PM
 
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I completely know where you are coming from. My DH is usually very supportive, but there times when I want to boot him out of here--if I'm going to have to do almost everything by myself, why not just be alone? That way, at least I wouldn't have the disappointment of having him drop the ball/forget/let me down. There are days when I think about just driving away and never looking back.
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#20 of 84 Old 01-15-2009, 03:56 PM - Thread Starter
 
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My kids are little :

Ds9, dd7, ds4, dd2, and Baby #5 coming April 09

I am so ashamed to feel this way right now

Another issue: We are in the process of remodeling/reassigning rooms and such so NO ONE has a room or private space right now.

I could use clothes baskets though and fill with "their stuff" to clean.

Mama to 9 so far:Mother of Joey (20), Dominick (13), Abigail (11), Angelo (8), Mylee (6), Delainey (3), Colton (2) and Baby 8 and Baby 9 coming sometime in July 2013.   If evolution were true, mothers would have three arms!

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#21 of 84 Old 01-15-2009, 03:57 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I completely know where you are coming from. My DH is usually very supportive, but there times when I want to boot him out of here--if I'm going to have to do almost everything by myself, why not just be alone? That way, at least I wouldn't have the disappointment of having him drop the ball/forget/let me down. There are days when I think about just driving away and never looking back.
This is EXACTLY what I am feeling right now!

I feel like:

a) God has alot more hope for me then I have of myself.

b) NO ONE appreciates me!

Mama to 9 so far:Mother of Joey (20), Dominick (13), Abigail (11), Angelo (8), Mylee (6), Delainey (3), Colton (2) and Baby 8 and Baby 9 coming sometime in July 2013.   If evolution were true, mothers would have three arms!

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#22 of 84 Old 01-15-2009, 04:06 PM
 
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It's not very AP or NFL but make him do it. Don't give him the choice, the moment his arse hits that door to walk in, you walk out. The only thing you should say is "kids are here, you watch them, I'm taking an hour of me time, see you later".
There's nothing "not very AP" about this! They are his kids too and AP stands for "attachment parenting." It's not all about mom. I totally second this suggestion.
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#23 of 84 Old 01-15-2009, 04:19 PM
 
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Can you just walk away for a while? Unless you have a nursing infant who needs you for sustenance, everyone will survive in your absence.
I agree with this. Your hubby doesnt understand, so let him babysit and he will. Dont be an enabler. If you seriously dont trust him to not kill the kids, then that is a whole new set of issues.
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#24 of 84 Old 01-15-2009, 04:22 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I agree with this. Your hubby doesnt understand, so let him babysit and he will. Dont be an enabler. If you seriously dont trust him to not kill the kids, then that is a whole new set of issues.
He does watch the kids (usually not all at once) sometimes when I am working, but not for me to have any alone time.

Mama to 9 so far:Mother of Joey (20), Dominick (13), Abigail (11), Angelo (8), Mylee (6), Delainey (3), Colton (2) and Baby 8 and Baby 9 coming sometime in July 2013.   If evolution were true, mothers would have three arms!

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#25 of 84 Old 01-15-2009, 04:27 PM
 
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First, there is not reason to be ashamed for recognizing your own needs. But now you need to grab those needs and work to get them met. First, everyone else is right. Your kids are old enough to survive 2 hours with daddy. They may whine about it, HE may whine about it, but no one is going to die from it. Do NOT give him a choice. Just do it. It will help you find your center, from which you can then make plans for the future.

Is this just a "today" thing or a long-term thing? It sounds long term. Assuming that, you won't fix it overnight. But you can and MUST fix it. No one is good when you are this unhappy. Whatever benefit you think you are giving your children by being a martyr is being negated by this. So, figure out what YOU want and how to get there.

Do not take these steps until you have had a couple of hours of me time and gotten some sleep. But after that, realize:

Your kids really aren't that little. They are old enough to take some responsibility around the house (well, maybe not the 2 YO). You have to be willing to give it to them, you have to figure out a way to consistantly require it of them, and you have to be willing to stick through the inevitable resistance that will come from this step. So, frankly, is your DH, so come up with a plan for him to do more parenting as well. Figure out what is bothering you most and tackle that baby step. Then keep taking baby steps.

If homeschool is not working, then don't do it. Seriously. I know that lots of people seem to think its a great solution. And for many it might be. It doesn't mean it is the right solution for you and your family. Explore options and think about whether you are actually accomplishing what you thought homeschool would accomplish for you.

There is no shame in re-evaluating and/or in changing directions. There is great harm in growing up with a frustrated, unhappy mommy. If this is more than a short-term response on your part, do something about it!!

And if is just a bad day or two and it will get better if you just have a bath, then figure out how to get that - probably at someone else's house because the kids won't leave you alone in your own!
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#26 of 84 Old 01-15-2009, 04:29 PM
 
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i dont have anything original to say. Until dh gets home to watch the kids, and he MUST, i would go to mcdonalds with a play area or let them watch a video. I wish spring was here.
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#27 of 84 Old 01-15-2009, 04:29 PM
 
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I feel you mama! I agree with the pp's, you need to just go.
Honestly, I need more than just one hour to recharge. I'd be ready when he got home, prep the kids, and tell him you'll be back in a few hours as you walk out the door.

Have stuff laid out for dinner and an instruction list for bed time if you need to, but definitely do it.

You should really have this happen for you at least once a week.
I've started going to a knitting circle for just a couple of hours on tuesdays and it's the highlight of my week.
First time since we've had kids (7 years now!) that I've done something for myself...should've done it long before this!
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#28 of 84 Old 01-15-2009, 04:33 PM
 
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Seriously.....nothing I do is working.

We tried unschooling. They do nothing but fight.

We tried more structure. They do nothing but whine.

I try playful parenting and do everything by myself.

I went on strike. No one noticed.

Gentle discipline doesn't work. Strict punishments do not work.

I am at my wits end. They have NO motivator or currency. Neither does my dh or my fricking dog.

I am getting screwed over by EVERYONE in my home.

I just want to quit!
If homeschooling or unschooling aren't working out for you family then I would suggest putting your children in school. It won't hurt your kids and it might help to give you the break you need, especially with a new baby coming. It sounds like you are really overwhelmed right now and you really need to find a way to cut back on all the stress in your life. I know this sounds harsh, but if the dog is a huge burden (and it sounds like it is) then I would try to find it another home. Pets are a big responsibility and from your posts it sounds like you do not need anymore stress added to your life. I hope you are able to get a much needed break. Do you have any family near by that might be able to help?

Never jump into a pile of leaves with a wet sucker. - Linus
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#29 of 84 Old 01-15-2009, 04:34 PM
 
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Yep - get your stuff ready, leave a note with dinner instructions (or pizza $$), and when he walks in, say "I'm feeling like I'm going off the deepend, and I need a break. I'll be back in 2 hours", and DON'T take your cell phone. He'll do fine.
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#30 of 84 Old 01-15-2009, 04:35 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Evan&Anna's_Mom View Post
First, there is not reason to be ashamed for recognizing your own needs. But now you need to grab those needs and work to get them met. First, everyone else is right. Your kids are old enough to survive 2 hours with daddy. They may whine about it, HE may whine about it, but no one is going to die from it. Do NOT give him a choice. Just do it. It will help you find your center, from which you can then make plans for the future.

Is this just a "today" thing or a long-term thing? It sounds long term. Assuming that, you won't fix it overnight. But you can and MUST fix it. No one is good when you are this unhappy. Whatever benefit you think you are giving your children by being a martyr is being negated by this. So, figure out what YOU want and how to get there.

Do not take these steps until you have had a couple of hours of me time and gotten some sleep. But after that, realize:

Your kids really aren't that little. They are old enough to take some responsibility around the house (well, maybe not the 2 YO). You have to be willing to give it to them, you have to figure out a way to consistantly require it of them, and you have to be willing to stick through the inevitable resistance that will come from this step. So, frankly, is your DH, so come up with a plan for him to do more parenting as well. Figure out what is bothering you most and tackle that baby step. Then keep taking baby steps.

If homeschool is not working, then don't do it. Seriously. I know that lots of people seem to think its a great solution. And for many it might be. It doesn't mean it is the right solution for you and your family. Explore options and think about whether you are actually accomplishing what you thought homeschool would accomplish for you.

There is no shame in re-evaluating and/or in changing directions. There is great harm in growing up with a frustrated, unhappy mommy. If this is more than a short-term response on your part, do something about it!!

And if is just a bad day or two and it will get better if you just have a bath, then figure out how to get that - probably at someone else's house because the kids won't leave you alone in your own!
I could not have said this better myself. My dh doesn't parent willingly either, but last year, I just had to put me first and do what I had to do daily for a couple hours and make him be with the kids. I started exercising and running outside in our driveway (which is super long). He would come out there with the littlest thing and expect me to stop and come and deal with the kids. I finally just said, don't come out anymore. I put my foot down. He sighs and pitches a fit still if I want to do anything, but I just have to ignore it as manipulation. He won't die and the kids love their time with dad...And do not answer your cell phone if he is going to manipulate you into coming home early. Tell him you have to go grocery shopping all by yourself from now on and then stop at the coffee house first for a few...take your own coffee if it is a money thing and just sit quietly or read. Don't answer the cell.

Now I'm going to be having a new baby like you are, and I'll have to start all over again with this, but I'm willing to keep myself sane.

And if you need to try something else, other than homeschooling, do it. I survived public school, most of us did. Yours will too.

The older kids can pick up, clean bathrooms, wipe off counters...and yes they aren't used to it and won't do it totally to your standards...but eventually they will if you are patient.

Hugs.

Trying to build up my house, not tear it down namaste.gif.   Got 3 wonderful kids jumpers.gif  ribboncesarean.gif autismribbon.gif, blessed with a wonderful husband luxlove.gif and have the privilege of staying home full time to enjoy it all! 

*~Danielle~* is offline  
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