Do you often cringe at other's parenting? - Page 3 - Mothering Forums

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#61 of 111 Old 02-10-2009, 03:45 AM
 
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I don't cringe.

if I truly feel like the parent is diong something "wrong" then I'll step in; a kind word, an understanding ear, an offer to take the child off their hands for a moment.

Most of the time I just assume I don't really know the situation at all.

And about the making an autistic child look? It's part of the therapy. Sorry if it seems mean to other people but that's what you have to do. Making them look at you is simply part of their behavioral therapy. It's supposed to be done a certain way and with certain timing but it needs to be done. And beleive me, autistic kids can be just as stubborn if not more stubborn than neurotypical kids about ignoring you when they want to. As a parent, I dont' think its unreasonable at all to make demands of kids. The world makes demands on all people, including children. Part of growing up is learning to deal with that. Who better to learn it with than your parents who will love you no matter what?
Thank you for saying that. Some people don't understand and frankly, I would rather them ask me or talk to me then assume that there is something sinester going on.

We used to take my son into walmart because that was his trigger. So loud and bright. He would just have fits if we were there too long. So we eventually pushed it and got him to focus on other things and really worked at it. We did it in other places/resturants etc. Lots of eye contact, lots of redirections, lots of praise for being able to handle things. It took a lot of work, but in the end, he is 9 and no longer has sensory triggers. We can take him just about anywhere with no issues at all. A huge change from when he was 3, but boy did I get those dirty looks and stares.

So because of that, I try to assume the best of people. Unless there is abuse (physical or verbal) I just can't assume I know the whole story. And if nothing else, I am quick to offer help if I see a parent with kids who are having a rough time. Like "do you need help with your cart while you are carrying your kid out " (if they are trying to carry their kid out, not saying I would put that idea in their head.)
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#62 of 111 Old 02-10-2009, 04:04 AM
 
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Most of the time I would think they are having a bad day unless I felt it really was hurting the child or if my children were observing the parent/child behavior then we'd talk about it.

So yes sometimes I cringe and sometimes I do judge and I use it often as a topic of conversation for my twin girls so they can learn from others as well as how I feel about certain behaviors...

A few specifics- Let's say a mom gives her child at playgroup a cookie for a snack and I packed a granola bar that day for whatever reason and they ask me why "Austyn" is having a cookie and they are having a granola bar. My response would be her mommy knows what is best for her - no judgement at all BTW - my kids get plenty of snacks. This works too for times where I do pass some judgement - like if they see another child standing up in a shopping cart and ask why they can't. I say the same thing - his mommy knows what's best for him and (me) their mommy thinks it is safest to sit so they can't fall - (me) their mommy knows what is best for them.

They have done it too now (commented on someone else's parenting choices). Last summer at the zoo we were in the parking lot. Our rule is we ALWAYS hold hands in a parking lot. There was a child (age 2ish) walking so far behind 2 women talking that I paused since the women were so engaged in conversation and the child was so far back I wasn't sure if she was their child or not. I wondered if maybe she was lost as she was in this fairly big parking lot and very young to be walking alone. One of my girls said pretty loudly - mommy why isn't that girl holding a grown up's hand? before I could answer one of the moms heard this and stopped to let the little one catch up. At the same time before the mom stopped my other dd responded to the question and said - I guess her mommy knows what is best for her and shrugged. I couldn't help but smile at my three year olds assessment of the situation.

There have been many times at the park where we have witness both child behavior that I consider inappropriate as well as child/parent interactions that are very opposite of my values - I cringe and we talk about them. My girls do well standing up for themselves as what they think is right as a result. I am pretty proud of that.
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#63 of 111 Old 02-10-2009, 11:11 AM
 
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.


My response would be her mommy knows what is best for her - no judgement at all
What a great response! I'm going to use that, I think.
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#64 of 111 Old 02-10-2009, 11:22 AM
 
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Yes, I do. I'm a younger mother (18) and am constantly striving to fight that stereotype- not to prove anyone wrong, but to be the best mother to my child. I do my best to educate myself to what is in her best interest, and act on that knowledge within the context of my parenting. When I see other mothers (young and old) either caring too little to educate themselves or being just too ignorant to care- smoking around their kids or while pregnant, feeding solids in a bottle at a crazy young age, practicing CIO, going out and leaving their babies with a sitter constantly, not stimulating and nurturing their tiny minds and bodies- it really, really bothers me, and it's hard not to be judgemental. I've been fighting myself on this issue a lot lately.

Obviously we all make mistakes- we're all human- but there's a difference between doing your very best and sometimes slipping up, and ... not.

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#65 of 111 Old 02-14-2009, 03:55 PM
 
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I am from the south, and my father's family is from the south, so we see nothing wrong with outwardly helping like that and being hospitable. This may sound totally strange to you, but we hug the neighborhood children here all the time. People come up and talk to you about random things. Things are just more friendly here. A lot of us still have the open door policy, and we are all eager to share. People in the north, though, think you are strange just for saying hi to a kid just because it isn't yours or saying hi and being nice to a passer-by on the street. One person thought I had another motive all because I was being nice to him. I calmly explained that I liked being nice to people because it makes me feel good, and that settled it. I'm guessing it is all regional?

My BF and several of my friends who were born and raised up north want me to move up there with them. I don't think it would ever work because everything is so different--attitudes, people, lifestyle, and the like. I think I'd have a severe culture shock. While I have numerous friends who were born and raised up north, and while I can get along with people from multiple regions, and even countries, I myself could not live there. It is a nice place to visit though, but I do really stick out like a sore thumb with my southern draw and my demeanor that some would perceive to be overly friendly.
Just a note - I was a northeasterner and now a southwesterner. Considering the amount of abusive parenting you seem to be observing first-hand, no I would not think to generalize that good will and friendliness are regional.

I am out and about all the time. I have never heard or seen any parenting that would warrant an intervention.
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#66 of 111 Old 02-14-2009, 03:56 PM
 
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As an answer to the OP - I am usually too busy keeping my own act together.
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#67 of 111 Old 02-14-2009, 04:47 PM
 
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I cringe, but then I think others might cringe at me too. I believe what I am doing is the right way to raise a child, I think they they what they are doing is the right way.

It's kinda like religion in a way, I believe in God, some people don't believe in anything, others in Budda or Allah. We are all doing what we believe is right.
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#68 of 111 Old 02-14-2009, 05:27 PM
 
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Yes. My SIL is always talking about how she needs to "crack" my nephews good once in a while . I felt so rotten when I saw her slap my 10 year old nephew in the face, out of the blue, and even worse when she came up behind him and hit him on the back when he wasn't even looking or expecting a hit. I don't agree with physical punishment whatsoever, and those times I saw her lash out him unexpectedly have really made me lose a ton of respect and love for her.
This made me cringe. It sounds like abuse mama.

I tend to err on the side of caution with making judgments about others' parenting (afterall my own is certainly nowhere near perfect) but of course there are times when neglect or abuse is evident and it can be very heartbreaking. DB saw a woman slap her toddler in the face after telling her to "Shut the f*** up!". I wasn't there but I absolutely would have intervened in that case.

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#69 of 111 Old 02-14-2009, 06:12 PM
 
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I used to cringe. Now I cringe at myself. I think it's not until you can appreciate the differences and learn from them, that any one really grows.
I hear myself judging all the time, but I am not always the parent I want to be, and I would be mortified if someone came up and said anything in one of my less that shining moments. We all can learn from these moments. We are better parents because of the mistakes of others, I know I certainly learned what not to do from some.
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#70 of 111 Old 02-15-2009, 12:03 AM
 
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Absolutely I do ask. That follows after I ask the parent if I can help them or after I say that I see that things are rough. I'm blunt yes, but I'm less impulsive than before. They may be the worse parent on the block, but I want to get my foot in the door by showing them respect, and asking if I could give their child something is respect. If they feel like I'm disrespecting them, it would ruin my chances of ever educating them or engaging them in conversation, which is the whole goal. So, yes I absolutely do ask, as I'd like that done for me also.

I am from the south, and my father's family is from the south, so we see nothing wrong with outwardly helping like that and being hospitable. This may sound totally strange to you, but we hug the neighborhood children here all the time. People come up and talk to you about random things. Things are just more friendly here. A lot of us still have the open door policy, and we are all eager to share. People in the north, though, think you are strange just for saying hi to a kid just because it isn't yours or saying hi and being nice to a passer-by on the street. One person thought I had another motive all because I was being nice to him. I calmly explained that I liked being nice to people because it makes me feel good, and that settled it. I'm guessing it is all regional?

My BF and several of my friends who were born and raised up north want me to move up there with them. I don't think it would ever work because everything is so different--attitudes, people, lifestyle, and the like. I think I'd have a severe culture shock. While I have numerous friends who were born and raised up north, and while I can get along with people from multiple regions, and even countries, I myself could not live there. It is a nice place to visit though, but I do really stick out like a sore thumb with my southern draw and my demeanor that some would perceive to be overly friendly.

With the parents consideration in mind, I take the following precautions:

1. I ask the parent if I can give the child the drink/snack/toy or whatever is in my bag. I've never had a refusal. Most people in town know me as the lover of children. I have that reputation, so they almost expect it now.
2. All drinks, snacks, and candy are sealed, and I allow the parent to see this for themselves for their reassurance. I'd also want this done to me, especially if someone randomly offers my child something. This is where I absolutely understand parents wanting to be cautious, as they have to be sure everything is safe.
3. To answer another concern you raised, and a very good one at that, I always ask if the child is alergic. I'd hate to be responsible for the death of a child or a serious reaction.

Thanks for responding to my post. I always love your challenges/comments. It makes things interesting and puts some life into the discussion. Take care.

I am from the south, but it would really bother me if someone offered my child, food, drinks, or candy. Even if you asked me first I would say no and then I would have to listen to dd whine and cry even more because I won't give it to her, and it would just make my day worse. First of all Lilly only drinks water, which we have at all times. Second, I don't usually give her a lot of snacks because if I do she won't eat any food at meal time . If I do want her to have a snack, I'll have it with me. And lastly, candy, um no thanks, it turns her into a wild maniac. And about toys, usually the reason she's screaming through a store is because I won't buy her a toy.

Lilly is one of those children who gets over her screaming fits faster if I just ignore her, so having a stranger come up and try to help would just make it worse. So it may appear that I am ignoring my crying child (and believe me she can look pitiful) but if I tried to talk and reason with her it would just make it worse.

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#71 of 111 Old 02-16-2009, 02:26 AM
 
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I dont have the book as I have lent it out, but somewhere at the begining of 'Unconditional Parenting' - Kohn says something like: If you go to the playground and have a good listen, its just depressing. Very true.
I can't stop cringing some days when I go out. Children are treated pitifully. I can't go to the grocery store without hearing some baby wailing while the mother serenely peruses the 20 kinds of tomato sauce. I can't go to the park without hearing some mother threatening her kid. Some days I just go home so depressed.

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#72 of 111 Old 02-16-2009, 02:33 AM
 
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I cringe at myself more! Its so hard to consistently parent the way I want to. I find that the cacauphony of many kids is what breaks me . . .

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#73 of 111 Old 02-16-2009, 02:49 AM
 
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Occasionally, yes.

A few weeks ago we were in the waiting room for the pediatrician, and a little boy probably about 7 or 8, who was clearly really not feeling well. He had on a sweatshirt over a turtleneck, and kept taking the sweatshirt on and off and on and off and on and off as people would come in, and wind would blow in, or he'd get flushed and sweaty from being sick. His mother was on her cell phone the whole time, and kept pausing in her conversation (about sales at some shoe store!) to scream at him for not sitting still. Finally she grabbed him and told whoever she was on the phone with that she had to "take him into the bathroom to teach him a lesson."

I just shot her the look of death and loudly made a snarky comment about how I hate when parents use threats of physical harm to bully children.


Not one of my finer moments, but I really felt for that little boy.
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#74 of 111 Old 02-16-2009, 11:33 AM
 
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It happened.

I was reading this thread the other day and i couldnt think of a situation where i had been judgemental.

Welp.... listen to this

Valentines day we went to dinner and then went to the mall to walk around. DD was looking at this indoor jumpy thing so we stopped to look with her. I heard a baby crying and this women pushed her stroller next to me to wait while her SO was getting a smoothie. The baby was MAX 2 months old and hysterically crying, and she wasnt so much as talking to him. I smiled at her and said "Oh he's so cute - i know they put in some comfy couches right over there if you need to nurse or feed him."

She says. "Naw - he's always hungry. He's such a pig i JUST fed him an hour ago." She then shut the umbrerlla over his car seat/stroller thing and he just continued to scream and she did absolutly nothing - but stood there watching the jumpy thing right next to us.

I just walked away and DH took the hint and quickly followed. I was almost in tears.
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#75 of 111 Old 02-16-2009, 11:51 AM
 
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Not often. I'm usually too busy cringing at my own parenting to worry about the way others do things.
And I am so busy keeping everyone safe, I barely notice the rest of the world.
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#76 of 111 Old 02-16-2009, 12:01 PM
 
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I've had my less than stellar parenting moments myself, so, no, I don't cringe when I hear a parent say things I disagree with. No doubt if that same parent could overhear me 24/7 she would hear stuff that would make her want to cringe too.
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#77 of 111 Old 02-16-2009, 05:44 PM
 
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Lilly is one of those children who gets over her screaming fits faster if I just ignore her, so having a stranger come up and try to help would just make it worse. So it may appear that I am ignoring my crying child (and believe me she can look pitiful) but if I tried to talk and reason with her it would just make it worse.
Yeah that. DS is one of those children that does best when ignored if he is having a meltdown. I'm sure I look like th worst mom ever to some people

I don't think I ever really judge others but I have never witnessed abuse either. If I did see abuse then I would be quick to judge and feel just awful for that child. The comment the OP made doesn't bother me all that much. Some people value looks more than others I would never say that to my child but I don't judge another mom for saying that to her daughter.
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#78 of 111 Old 02-16-2009, 06:18 PM
 
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I normally try to mind my own business, but about a year ago I had a lovely coworker who loudly told her 8 YO daughter over the phone that if her kid brought home a hamster, she'd kill it. She'd do stuff like that a lot (she treated her coworkers just as nicely as her kid, too). Really niiiice lady.

I didn't say a word to her, but I didn't feel too bad either that I lost her as a cube neighbor when I left the company. Nor did I feel terrible when I heard she was recently demoted, lost a bunch of money in a house scam, and forced by the company to relocate so she had a 2-hour commute. I'm not normally one who believes in karma (except in my own life), but I couldn't help feeling greater forces frowned upon this woman for a reason.

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#79 of 111 Old 02-17-2009, 02:44 AM
 
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I usually only cringe when I see people hitting their kids in public. But today, I cringed at something far less than that. This mom and her kid (maybe 10 years old?) were in a waiting room and the mom kept yelling at her kid to do his homework. He said he couldn't figure it out and needed help so the mom told him "just do it...make something up". So the kid did and the mom said "that answer is wrong. Fix it". The kid asked why it was wrong and the mom said "it just is. Now fix it" and the kid started crying that he couldn't figure out the right answer. She just kept telling him to do it, and never helped him. I cringed at that because the poor kid just wanted help.
That is so freaking sad People can really be mean.

I often cringe at myself and occasionally at others. One that sticks out is a little girl was patting the back and smiling in the face of a baby and the little girl's mom said in a very stern voice, "Leave her alone!!!! You have your own baby sister!!!" WTH? She was being sweet to the little baby.

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#80 of 111 Old 02-17-2009, 02:49 AM
 
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No, but only because I've been around long enough to have made plenty of mistakes myself. Frankly, the longer I've been a parent and the more I've had to deal with, the more compassion I have for other parents.

Too bad I find it more difficult to apply that compassion to myself.
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#81 of 111 Old 02-17-2009, 01:38 PM
 
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Esp. when you overhear them talking to or disciplining their kids?

I don't say anything but it often makes me cringe when I hear the things some parents say to their little kids.

For instance, the other day a mom was trying to get her daughter's hair brushed and said "People will laugh at you if you don't let me brush your hair!"

I just find it so sad when I hear things like that.
Some moments are soo out of place yes but over all no. Any typical morning you could here me saying these exact wors to my DD even in a tired sounding condecending voice but if you knew our whole back ground you would know its a playful joke DD and I have. She'd follow it with yes they will say look she has PICKLE hair (some other made up funny in her mind phrase).

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#82 of 111 Old 02-17-2009, 02:54 PM
 
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I work at a zoo so I've witnessed many cringe worthy moments. It amazes (and saddens) me to watch many of these parents and their children interact. On a daily basis I see children yelled at, talked down to,hurried along, not listened to, or completely ignored. You would think a zoo outing is supposed to be enjoyed for the child's benefit. *sigh* (There are alot of exceptions to these however and I am certainly prone to cringe worthy moments myself).

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#83 of 111 Old 02-17-2009, 03:05 PM
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I was in the grocery store the other day and I saw a mom and her kids. she was asking the girl to get something off the shelf and every time she got the wrong one the mom said "no" in a very mean voice as if the girl were stupid - but was very nice once the girl picked the right item.

I couldn't help but think that it wasn't all bad, but that simply being nicer about helping her figure out the right item would have changed it to a much better experience for the girl. Seems like the kind of thing that would create feelings of uncertainty and fear of leadership, where as helping the child nicely find the right item would have IMO taught her that she can do anything if she doesn't give up.

I also saw a mom standing at a busy intersection with a 2-3 year old, not holding the childs hand. now, my children NEVER run off from me, but I still hold their hands at busy intersections if we are walking. worse off, this parent was ignoring the child as I watched the little girl make several attempts to "connect" by showing her mom things and her mom didn't even look at her.

what it comes down to is, yes it makes me cringe, yes maybe im taking it out of context. thats why I dont say anything to them. I have my opinion on what I saw as I saw it and I'm sure others have opinions of me about what they saw as they saw it. It doesn't bother me what people think in that way. I just look at it in a "I wouldn't do that" kind of way (and I haven't - but maybe I have done OTHER things that set examples for other parents for things that they wont do with their own children) The parents doing it may not notice it but its not a big enough deal for me to point it out. If I see a parent hitting a child I do speak up though. that does more then make me cringe.
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#84 of 111 Old 02-17-2009, 03:32 PM
 
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You know, I'm so much more understanding now that I'm a single, work outside the home mom who is often tired and rushed and barely hanging on by a thread. I am often not at my best at the end of the day or when we're sick and all have to go to the dr's office (for a visit I know I can't really afford) or after a long weekend of worrying about whether their dad will abduct them again and I'll have to go through days and days of court proceedings to see my children again that costs me a ton of money I don't have.

I wish I was the perfect parent, the perfect person, the perfect whatever. But, I'm not. I'm just a mom, trying to do my best every single moment of the day and often, I fall far short of my own high standards. Unfortunately, that's what my kids get - a mom who is busting her butt to make the best life she can for them away from an abusive, controlling husband and it's not always pretty.

I do not condone any kind of violence toward children and I believe that spanking/hitting/cursing are inexcusable. I have said something to a mother who was spanking her 4 or 5 year old son. I stand up for what I believe is right.

But, I've more often than not, especially lately, been on what many would consider the "bad" end of the spectrum and I'm sure that if there were any moms in my hometown on MDC, they'd be here, kabitzing about what a bad parent I was. At the end of the day, I am accountable only to myself and my kiddos and I have to make peace with the mistakes I have made and I pray that my children will forgive me for the harsh words or lack of patience I sometimes display.

And I would hope that other moms would give me the benefit of the doubt and just for a second, dwell on the fact that I might be tired and overworked and scared to death and that doesn't always translate into the best of parenting.

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#85 of 111 Old 02-17-2009, 03:40 PM
 
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People in glass houses...

Mommy to THREE sweet boys & ONE sweet girl + a newb due in February!  I need a nap. 
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#86 of 111 Old 02-17-2009, 04:41 PM
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..shouldn't throw stones

and neither should people in brick houses or any other kind of house for that matter.

I think that making a judgement on things as they appear to be (not on the person) has helped me as a parent though. It gives me an outsider veiw of interactions between adult and child. I can see how the child responds to some things, I can see how some words/actions could possibly be hurtful. It makes me explore myself as a parent and ask myself how *I* would like to hand similar situations, so I can make an effort in that direction if I am ever in the same situation.

I am sure the lady at the grocery store who asked me if I cut grapes for my DD who was eating grapes didn't think I was being very responsible. instead of being rude of defensive or "oh don't judge me!" I sought out more info and decided I SHOULD be cutting grapes still at this age as an extra safety precaution and now that is what I do.

When I saw the girl at the corner with her mom I thought - I should make sure to continue to hold my child's hand even though they don't run into the street just in case. I thought, if my child wants my attention, especially if I'm not busy, I should pay attention to them. It would be hurtful if someone blatantly ignored me, and I don't want to do that to my children. Now, perhaps this women is very aware, and would grab and stop her child if she tried to run. Perhaps she didnt hear her DD trying to get her attention. I dont know. im not judging *her, I am just observing her and her DD's interactions and deciding that ideally that is not something I would like to do myself. Same for the mom in the grocery store who appeared to be talking down to her child. maybe she wasnt. I wasnt judging her, I was judging (if thats the word you want to use) the way things appeared so I could ask myself what I would do differently, what I think would be best for my children. Is she a bad mom because it looked like she talked down to her child?No. Even if she WAS talking down to her child, would that make her all bad? No (but her actions wouldnt be good in that scenario), but I think it makes me a better *me* (in comparison to myself and my potential, not in comparison to her) for me to notice that and decide "I will make an effort to be encouraging of my children, not talk down to them"

Yes I am judging actions as they appear. not the person. and not because I want to feel like I am better then them, but because I want to learn ways to be a better version of myself. Personally, I don't see anything wrong with that. What would I gain from making excuses for a person I don't even know and am not ever going to talk to? "maybe this, maybe that, maybe its not as it appears" I already realize that. but I don't care how it appears and how it really is. What I'm focused on is "if it were really as it appears, what would I want to do differently in that scenario that would make me feel good about my choices?" and what I would do in the scenario, very well might make another parent cringe and ask themselves the same question. so be it. they can learn from me what they think would work best for their family the same way I can learn from others what might work best for my family.

While I personally would NEVER butt in unless a child was being physically hurt, I personally don't mind when other people butt in with me. Truthfully, I do feel offensive at first. but in the end, its only ever helped me. To reevaluate and find out - you know what they are right (like the grape thing) or to find out - actually, I was right about what I did. its a shame they don't know more about xyz (babywearing comes to mind).

some comments are annoying... to be honest though it gives me something to vent about later and let off some steam. probably what is bothering me isn't even really that comment but something else. I am then able to figure out what has really been under my skin lately. better that I get irritated by a strangers comment and it comes out that way then get irritated with my children or husband or friends.

So, while I may not "call someone out on it" when I make my "judgements" because I realize it may not be as it seems, I am not offended (in the long term) if someone says something to me. initially defensive, yes, but in the end I think its a good thing. and I think its good I can learn more about what I would like to do in a situation by looking at the way something appears, instead of excusing the behavior with a long list of what ifs. I'm sure one of the what if's are right, but it doesnt help anyone grow as a parent if thats how I think. If I think what I would do different, it helps me grow as a parent.

so, I'll keep carrying my stones around... my little rock collection... but no matter what kind of home I live in I don't throw them (at least not at other people) but maybe I'll throw them against a tree in my backyard or something. no harm done to them.
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#87 of 111 Old 02-17-2009, 04:51 PM
 
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I used to cringe when my baby was an infant and I read all these parenting books and thought that I know how to discipline correctly, what to do and what not to do.
Well, my DS is 3 1/2 and I have done/said so many things I wish I haven't done or said when it comes to discipline, that I don't dare to cringe at anything anymore.
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#88 of 111 Old 02-17-2009, 05:00 PM
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I cringe at myself when I do things I wish I hadn't - then I look for a better way I don't think there is anything wrong with saying "I wish I handled that different" and then working towards doing so in the future. or to look at someone else and say "I think I would prefer to do it xyz way if I were in those shoes" which prepares you for when you are in those shoes. while you may still fall short when that time comes, you started off one step closer then where you would "ideally" like to be. so then when you "fall short" you just pick yourself back up and say "okay, that didnt work, what should I try next time? what might work instead?"

I guess I take the route of constant self growth (because MAN DO I NEED IT!) instead of constantly excusing myself. I wouldn't say I'm hard on myself. I forgive myself, I do have some regrets, but mostly I just use these "cringe worthy" experiences as a chance to grow as a person. (whether I'm cringing at my own actions, or the way other peoples actions appear - knowing full well it might not be that way - but why focus on what excuse or reason there may be when I can focus on what *I* think would be a better approach (for *my* family) that I could use if ever in that same situation.
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#89 of 111 Old 02-17-2009, 05:04 PM
 
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i've been thinking about this a lot lately and what i've come up with is this:

when i do things that negatively affect my children i am a bad mom. when others do things that negatively affect their children they are bad parents too.

it doesn't mean that i am a bad mom all the time, in fact, i'm probably only stressed out enough to be a bad mom about 5% of the time and the rest of the time i'm a darn good mom!

it's still there and to justify it or say i'm doing the best i can is fine, it may even be the truth, but it certainly doesn't make it excusable for me to negatively impact my children's mental or physical well-being. and i think that if we continue to excuse it that we are just perpetuating the problem.

i can still strive to be better and so can everyone else. there's nothing stopping any of us from being better parents.

eh. who needs a signature?
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#90 of 111 Old 02-17-2009, 05:23 PM
 
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I always hope they're coming here later to post in the parenting and rage thread, or to start a thread of their own about what an awful day they had and how bad they feel about it.

I've had a couple of incidents I wish I could erase.

But there are sometimes things outsiders can't understand. Our therapist unlocked something that had never occurred to me with dsd when she was having 'accidents' in public all the time and causing huge scenes that sometimes culminated in store managers bringing her a wheelchair and people offering to call an ambulance. We had a couple of trips to the ER and several scares in addition to the things we saw through when the therapist told us she was trying to recreate the constant trips to the hospital her bio-mom had due to all her suicide attempts when dsd was very small and didn't have a clear understanding of what was happening.

The only way we could handle this was to reassure onlookers that she was fine, and tell her to get up and stop the hysterics. I'm sure we looked perfectly awful to anyone who didn't know what was going on, and it was very embarrassing at times, but after a few months the incidents stopped completely.

I'm much more embarrassed about the times I lost it and yelled at home. I really don't care about a bunch of strangers, yk? It's having to face the people you see every day after you've been a perfect @$$ that is the worst, imo, and knowing you've said something they'll carry around forever no matter how many times you say you're sorry.

I think those of us from dysfunctional families know how damaging that is, and have to work the hardest not to repeat our parent's mistakes, even though you'd think it would be easy to avoid them.

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