In the 'No Spanking' thread I posted that I don't hit my kids because I was never hit as a child. It never occurred to me to use that as discipline.
However, I have had many, many strong impulses to spank or hit or lash out.
I'm not asking how people combat that feeling - but rather, does everyone get that feeling? That end of your rope, last resort, you're so close feeling?
Yes. I tell dd I need to go to my room and cool off, and that's what I do. It doesn't take long. And now sometimes when she's angry she'll do the same thing. An important part of parenting IMO is to model how to behave when you have strong emotions. Our kids aren't happy all the time and they need to see that we get angry too and that it's possible to deal with those emotions without hurting anyone.
Yes, when I feel trapped, like when I am sitting in the back seat in the car with the kids and DD keeps poking me or when DD just out of the blue bites her brother. I try to understand her what needs aren't being met.
BUT...I feel the urge/need to grab DS very forcefully by both of his arms and really make him feel it, if that makes sense?! I literally have never thought of swatting him, but I have grabbed him much harder than I needed to and lashed out verbally. I think I'm just not a very physical person myself (only child with hippie parents/friends, so I had very little aggressive physical interactions as a child). I certainly am prone to losing my temper, but it's more likely to be with screaming and sarcasm and such.
I've only felt that way once with DD...and she was only 6 months at the time, so I definitely wasn't going to do it.
But I once had an autisitic girl that I was caring for spit soda in my face.
: I wanted to smack her sooooo bad. I didn't do anything for a second. I just took a deep breath. And then we left.
I have felt it. For me it is a strange, mysterious rage that seems to come out of nowhere. It is also my sign I need more self-care. A good meal and an un-interrupted block of a few hours sleep.
Yes.
I was physically disciplined as a child though. My mother sometimes lashed out at me physically, though she usually just took a deep breath and walked away for a bit.
When I'm stressed, tired and I haven't been taking care of myself (which has been my life for the past 3-almost 4- months) I find myself more short-tempered. I really need to restrain myself and talk myself down. I find myself reminding myself that while hitting would satisfy my urge, it would just escalate the situation. Nothing like hitting a child to make them stop crying, hmm?
One thing I do is flip the bird. It's total instinct. My son is too young to understand it and I have only done it to his back (mature, eh?). But I did it to this horrible friend of a kid that I nannied when I was in college and he totally saw it and called me out on it :| . Oops.
Originally Posted by Breeder
When DS1 went through a very difficult biting phase around two, I found myself chanting inwardly, "Don'tspankhim,don'tspankhim, don'tspankhim."
I haven't had the impulse to do anything remotely physical in years though.
Oh. I really struggle when being physically hurt. Bitten, hit, kicked. The physical urge to push DS away is really strong.
I was never hit or shamed as a kid either, and yet I fight the urge to be rougher with them than I ought to sometimes when I'm out of patience and ideas.
I have honestly never had the urge to hit my kids. I was spanked as a child and remember how awful it made me feel. It makes me physically ill to think about my kids being spanked and made to feel the way I did as a child.
Yes, but it isn't an urge to "spank" as a conscious discipline decision. It's more an "I've had enough and my head it about to explode" feeling like I could backhand one of them. One time I grabbed my dd hard by the arms when she was 2 and it left a mark. I felt absolutely terrible for days. I haven't lost control physically since then. I've been known to yell on occasion though.
Originally Posted by Vancouver Mommy
Yes, but it isn't an urge to "spank" as a conscious discipline decision. It's more an "I've had enough and my head it about to explode" feeling like I could backhand one of them. One time I grabbed my dd hard by the arms when she was 2 and it left a mark. I felt absolutely terrible for days. I haven't lost control physically since then. I've been known to yell on occasion though.
Same here. It's not like 'You've done A, now I'm going to discipline with B'.
The times I feel like I'm going to lose it are when one of my girls are having a tantrum and I inadvertently get kicked in the head by a thrashing toddler, or when my sixteen month old bites me out of no where. It's this sudden feeling of 'Augh!' you know? And like ainh mentioned, most of the time it's a desire to really get their attention more than a need to hit or slap.
Although when my younger dd bit me on the face the other day I was pretty close to losing it. We were just cuddling in the rocker, and she was snuggling into my neck and 'Chomp!' - I saw red.
Not to spank, but to push her away or use unnecessary force to remove her from a situation, definitely! I am more emotional now that I'm pregnant and it's not done me any good. I also want to yell but am trying to yell in a more generic fashion, and not yell her name. I need to remember that it's not always her fault, and it's never completely her fault, that I feel that way.
The other day I had to go in my room and climb up on my bed out of her reach because if I touched her, or if she touched me again, I was going to hurt her. I wanted to kick her, shove her, throw her... It was bad.
I felt and feel really crappy about it because she is just a baby.
My husband worked for a month straight and I've gotten no help and I'm at the end of my rope. Thank G-D he has this weekend off.
Yes, not often and not strong enough that I couldn't overcome it, but yes.
It really surprised me. I'm a special ed teacher -- my specialty is 4 to 9 year olds with emotional/behavioral components to their issues. I've been hit, kicked, bit, cursed out, spit on etc . . . and I've NEVER felt that way towards a child. In fact, in the classroom I frequently have to basically force my self to feel angry so that I can get enough firmness in my tone to make it clear to kids that behavior is unacceptable (this sounds wrong, like I'm yelling, although I'm not I'm always gentle in the classroom but sometimes I need to use a tone that's "firm").
So the first time I had the urge to yell at or hit my beloved well behaved child when all he'd done was whine or lose something, or dawdle (that's about the extent of the misbehavior we face in my house) I was shocked.
Yes. I struggle with this more often than I'd like to admit. I was severely abused physically by my mother until I was big enough to fight back, then we had physical altercations for a few years, then finally she stopped when my size exceeded hers (I think I was about 16 by this point)...so those patterns are ingrained in me. Lots and lots of therapy, removing myself from the situation, ect. It's so hard.
It's not surprising that people's childhoods color their experience so much.
For me, I was never struck as a child. I grew up in a very peaceful, idylic almost, AP household.
So now when my sixteen month old hits and kicks, or worse, bites, I'm at a total loss. I remember when my now six year old head butted me once during a tantrum (she must've been about three at the time) I was immediately enraged. My thought pattern was something like 'How dare she!' and 'I'll show her'.
Thankfully I managed to gather my senses before I lost it, but I especially find that for me personally, when I'm hit or my space is otherwise unpleasantly invaded, that's when I feel like I'm going to fall over that edge.
I was spanked very rarely as a child.
But I feel the urge when DS bites me hard, or hits in the head suddenly. Well, not really spank, more like forcefully push him or something. I never come close to doing it, but the impulse is there. I do sometimes swear though.
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