"I don't love you, Mommy" - Mothering Forums

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Old 04-28-2009, 01:03 AM - Thread Starter
 
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DS is prone to saying that lately. I know it's just a phase and obviously, he loves me. I want him to stop saying it and realize how hurtful it can be to hear something like that. When I tell him that it hurts my feelings, he seems unphased. First, is this normal? and second, How do I get him to stop saying it?
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Old 04-28-2009, 01:16 AM
 
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Actually you might just want to respond with, "you sound angry". since you know of course he loves you. this way you can get to his feelings n not so much worry about the words.

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Old 04-28-2009, 01:24 AM
 
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My almost 4 year old always says that to me when he is angry. I ignore him, or say "Well, I love you very much." It has since tapered off...but now he jsut says, 'Shut up!"
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Old 04-28-2009, 01:27 AM
 
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Quote:
Actually you might just want to respond with, "you sound angry". since you know of course he loves you. this way you can get to his feelings n not so much worry about the words.
That

He's obviously angry so it would help more to show him how to verbalize that in a less hurtful way. Telling him not to say it won't really do any good if he has no real alternative.

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Old 04-28-2009, 01:34 AM
 
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When DS1 says this to me, I just say "Then you can't come to my birthday party."

I'm only half kidding. Playfulness really does go a long way with my DS. It gives him a way to calm down and often paves the way to more serious discussion. I used to worry about his apparent lack of concern for my feelings, but after a time it became obvious that he just needed to chill before we could really talk about what happened (or about feelings).

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Old 04-28-2009, 01:52 AM
 
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"I'll always love you, sweetheart. You sound angry, want to talk about it?"
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Old 04-28-2009, 02:10 AM
 
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Yes, it's normal. The best way to deal with it is, as others have suggested, to label what you think the emotion is behind it.

At 3 1/2, it's hard for him to realize the impact that his words have on you. 3 year olds aren't great at taking another person's perspective. It's not that they can't have empathy, but when they're mad, the whole world is mad.

As he gets older, he'll get a better vocabulary for expressing himself and you'll hear less of this.

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Old 04-28-2009, 03:18 PM
 
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"That's too bad. Cause I love you! Are you upset about something?"
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Old 04-28-2009, 06:37 PM
 
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My 4.5yo DD loves to tell me that when she is mad at me. I try to encourage her to use different words, and tell her that it is OK to be mad at me, but she still does not get how hurtful those particular words can sound (even if I know she does not mean it).

Now that she is learning to write, I have to laugh because now when she is mad at me, she writes, "I dont luv mame". Today she used a post-it note and stuck it to me, then proceeded to write, "I luv dady" and "I luv Tes" (her babysitter, who was at the house at the time). I have to admit that it makes me want to roll on the floor laughing , but that would make her even more angry...OK, this evening I actually did start laughing , but it was just too funny to resist...I think that I will keep the post-it note...

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Old 04-28-2009, 06:45 PM
 
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It's a phase. When DD says it, I usually say "Well I love you" and then kiss and hug her and ask her what wrong. It doesn't really happen too much anymore though (I guess it lost it's appeal).

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