other children hitting my child - Page 2 - Mothering Forums

Forum Jump: 
Reply
 
Thread Tools
#31 of 51 Old 06-04-2009, 11:27 AM
Banned
 
4inMyHeart3inArms's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 153
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
yes the difference is you are mature enough to control yourself, and the child is not. I understand that. No one is saying to stand around and let it happen, but imagine if one day you have a child who DOES go through that stage - how would you feel if everyone went around protecting their child to the point no one would play with your child anymore? I can understand if its over the top ongoing aggression to say nicely to the mother (no need to hurt feelings just for the sake of it) "I love spending time with you, but I don't think our kids are a good match for playmates right now. Maybe just you and I can get together without the kids sometime" or something like that. I however, understand aggression comes with the toddler territory. My oldest NEVER hit anyone until starting school. Then he saw the aggression and started doing it occasionally too, though nothing like my aggressive child. I am glad I didn't act all high and mighty because I'd be feeling like quite the fool right now! (not saying you are, just saying its tempting to do so when you have a non-aggressive child, to think "oh I must have done something to create this non aggressive child" when really the credit just goes to the childs temperment - which is why the same parent can raise children who never aggress and children who do) Anyway, you don't have to stand around and watch, but you can try being "in the middle" of the play (this works the best for me, we play games where the adult is the center of the game, and it eliminates aggression for some reason). This way the children can learn to play together, you can prevent injury, you dont have to hurt the other child emotionally to protect your child physically, etc. It's win/win. You wouldnt want someone to hurt your child emotionally just to protect their physically either I'm sure, if the situation were reversed, which I hope for your sake that it never is, because I find its must easier to be the parent of the non-aggressor then it is to be the parent of the aggressor.

Anytime you are moved to anger like that though, it IS worth exploring. As those are human feelings, it's also human to sometimes slip a little in the control of those feelings. So I personally wouldn't just say "I have every right to be so mad I want to hurt them, because I wouldnt actually do it" to be on the safe side, I personally would say "why am I THIS mad about this? Of course I dont want to see my child be hurt, but should I feel like hurting another person, a child, even if I wouldnt act on it? What is causing such extreme emotions in me?" etc, and I'd work on it, and try to bring myself down so that eventually I could respond to the situation effectively without boiling anger and desire to hurt someone elses child. I ask myself how I could feel if the situation was reversed. I would ask myself how my child could BENEFIT from the situation. I would take the opportunity to teach my child how they can protect themselves (without hitting back) help them learn when their playmate is getting to "that point" so they can walk away etc. So many skills can be learned in these situations that will prepare them for when we wont be there. I understand some people feel a certain age is too young to learn these things, but I dont think a child is ever to young to learn how to protect themselves without hurting others, and this is something we teach to one extent or another from birth, as these situations arise natually, which they will in a playdates with children that age. Again, not saying to stand back and do nothing, but to take hold of the situation and turn it around for good. It may not be a big deal to you, non-trivial as you put it, but if you are open to think from another perspective (which is inevitably what will be offered to you on a message board) then consider if it would be a big deal if your child was the one being shunned for normal behavior. Consider if you think it would be more appropraite for the non-aggressor to learn how to play SAFELY with the aggressor while the aggressor learns to stop being aggressive. Yes, we all do have to decide what is the point we will walk away too, even as adults, so there is nothing wrong with that. At the same time, its good to teach tolerance. I hope you can find that balance, I know its hard to find. If we expect everyone to treat us perfectly (or even to just never treat us poorly) we would be lonely. We have all been hurt and we have all hurt others. Even in this own thread things you have said were hurtful to others, and you were hurt by things others said. Should we all leave this board and never return? Or never respond to eachothers posts? I think not. We can all afford to be a little tolerant. Toddlers exhibiting toddler behavior deserve some tolerance too. Yes, we can walk away if it becomes dangerous. We can also think a few foul plays will happen in the course of toddler play, and we can take measures to prevent them. What would hurt your child more, sticking around to play while her mom prevented her from hurt and helped everyone work through the problems? Or saying her playmates arent good enough for her? Only you know the answer to that. My personality leads me to be comfortable with less friends that are really valuable - perhaps you only want your child to be friends with children who are just like her in the sense they are never aggressive. Just consider the fact your child may be a late bloomer and become aggressive herself one day, and how she would feel if her playmates couldnt play with her anymore. A healthy tolerance never hurt anyone. Even I with my limited friends have high tolerance of the friends I do have. I pick onyl friends who treat me good, and I treat them good, but they have their quirks or they something say or do something that upsets me, but if I expected perfection I would be very lonely. I am sure there are things I do that they are tolerant of as well. When it comes to children the things that need to be tolerated aren't the same. It's more abou toy snatching and name calling and hitting. As adults its more about unintentionally hurtful comments, dissappointment, occasional let downs, possibly some broken promises, etc. Children are not as complicated as adults, and there is no need to complicate it this early on. Healthy Tolerance is a simple idea. Children are more forgiving then we are, and I think its not such a bad thing to let them be.

It's tough stuff, I hate seeing my children be hurt (hug to you)
4inMyHeart3inArms is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
#32 of 51 Old 06-05-2009, 10:28 AM
 
majormajor's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2006
Posts: 773
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
i understand how you feel OP. my DD is a very gentle child and used to get very upset when playmates hit. i decided to stop playing indoors with kids who hit (outdoors it seemed to be less of a problem, i don't know why). hitting may be a phase and a learning opportunity for some kids, but i didn't feel that i needed my DD to be hit so another kid could learn self-control, KWIM? she didn't need to be cracked over the head with a toy to learn play skills. i don't hit my kids, and i don't put them in a situation when i know there's a very good chance someone else will hit them.

one time, at the playground, a little boy pulled out a LARGE clump of DD's hair. her head was bleeding. yes, i wanted very badly to hit him. of course i didn't. but i understand wanting to.

DD still knows to yell DON'T HIT ME! if someone tries to or hits her. but i didn't intentionally expose her to hitters, biters, or hair-pullers so she could learn that.

so no, i don't think you're overreacting.
majormajor is offline  
#33 of 51 Old 06-05-2009, 08:54 PM
Banned
 
4inMyHeart3inArms's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 153
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by majormajor View Post
i don't hit my kids, and i don't put them in a situation when i know there's a very good chance someone else will hit them.
that works for me when it comes to adults, but my first child is the ONLY child we have ever come in contact with in real life who didn't go through the hitting phase, so never letting my child experience a play date because someone may try to hit them (which was nearly always preventable without canceling the play date completely) just didn't feel like the best option for my child. I understand how some parents may feel otherwise though, its just something to consider.
4inMyHeart3inArms is offline  
#34 of 51 Old 06-06-2009, 01:18 PM
 
MammaV's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2002
Location: Twin Cities, MN
Posts: 717
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I've read through the posts and have seen some great ideas and responses. One thing I haven't seen addresses is the personal space issues. My now 4 yo had a hard time with hitting when he was in his 3s. He needed his personal space boundaries. He had one little girl friend in particular who never respected that. She was a passive, calm girl who was never spanked, and who never hit any other kids, however, she would not get out of his space. He would start by asking her to leave him alone, then it would escalate to a yell of "get away from me", then he'd hit her. Generally, my son was the one in trouble for yelling and hitting. I'm not trying to imply that your DD has a personal space issue, but if you do have one particular friend who seems to always get physical with your daughter, maybe there's a trigger that you're not aware of. By closely watching my DS and his little friend during play dates, I could make sure that personal space was addressed and never escalated to violence - verbal or physical. It made for them to be much better playmates. Soon DS's little friend realized the space issue - after much conversation and modeling, and now at 4 the LOs play very well together and really enjoy each other's company.
They do grow out of hitting, sometimes faster than you realize.
Teaching your kids appropriate boundaries, ie, it's not ok to hit ever, is wonderful. Ensuring that little things don't boil over in short order with immature toddlers is also key.
Even in the example you gave of your DD standing up for your DS. If the other boy had been offered a different sand toy, perhaps there would have been three happily playing children, instead of one frustrated boy, a mystified toddler and a defensive big sister.
I hope your daughter will have many good pals and playdates.

Wife to my wonderful Pablo, mum to Roo 8/10/01, Vin 1/10/07, Bug 6/3/07, Butterbean 12/12/09
MammaV is offline  
#35 of 51 Old 06-09-2009, 12:33 AM
 
L'lee's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: too far from the Emerald City
Posts: 700
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by elfimka View Post
I think I found something that works: loudly telling the offender to stop. We had a talk again and I told her that I was wrong about hitting back, that it's really never ok to hit, and so on.

Yesterday we were at the park. She is playing with her 18 months old brother in the sand. Another boy comes up and starts taking the shovel out of my sons hands. My son does not let go. The boy gets frustrated and lifts his arm to swing at my son. My daughter jumps up and loudly yells in his face: "STOP! DO NOT HIT MY BROTHER! IT'S NOT OK!!!" The boy slowly puts his arms down and walks off. Daughter kisses the brother on top of his head and says "It's ok, don't worry."
That is AWESOME! That is EXACTLY what I would recommend, as the mother of a sometimes hitter/pusher. My son went through a phase at about 2 1/2 where he was pushing anyone and everyone (including babies after ogling over them for a few minutes, which was so painful for me to see), apparently to see what would happen. It was very embarrassing for me as his mother, and I would talk to him about it constantly, and I felt like the message didn't really get through. Sometimes I didn't even really do anything about it when it happened several times in a row, because I was feeling so frustrated and hopeless and I felt like such a bad mama. However, when another child would tell him NO in a strong voice, I could see how it was the best thing for him and he really listened. I have encouraged some of his friends to do the same as your daughter did, and I've tried to give my son words to use if this happens to him or he has a toy grabbed away.

Another thing I would encourage you to think about is how you would feel if your child were the one hitting (which could happen sometime, it's not a factor of how good a parent you are or how gentle you are with your child), and to realize that it can be very hard to be in that position as well. When my son was pushing regularly I considered not going to play group at all, and I think that would have been a bad thing because he needed to work through this phase. I felt bad and apologized to other children who were hurt and encouraged him to do the same although most of the time he refused because he had done it on purpose and wasn't really sorry. ("How about if you say I'm sorry that she's hurt instead of I'm sorry that you pushed her?" would work sometimes) I would have been even more embarrassed if one of our friends refused to play with him because of this, although I would have understood. Some other friends of ours have gone through similar stages, and it seems that if a gentle family helps their child work through this then it is just a phase, and it can be harmful to label the child as "a hitter" or a bully, so I would definitely be careful about that.

I hope that this helps, and it sounds like you're on the right track!

L'lee reading.gif ~ C geek.gif ~ E broc1.gif May, 2006 ~ Rjoy.gif12/29/2011nocirc.gif goorganic.jpg ecbaby2.gif homebirth.jpg waterbirth.jpg

L'lee is offline  
#36 of 51 Old 06-09-2009, 01:27 AM
 
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Kingston, NY
Posts: 932
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
There but for the grace of God...next time it could be your kid doing the hitting, or pinching, or whispering not-nice things on the playground, or ganging up on a smaller child, etc...I think a place of compassion is a good place to start.

"Don't hit me!" is a great place to start.
BetsyNY is offline  
#37 of 51 Old 06-09-2009, 01:01 PM
 
Atwate10's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 2
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Well...as a mom of three dc who does daycare, I have to say that hitting is pretty much a part of our life. The 6 & 4 year old don't hit much, but my 2yo ds and the 1 yo dc kid do. My kids don't typically hit other friends who they don't spend a lot of time with, though it has happened. I would feel really bad if a mom decided to end our dc's friendship over it, but I don't know what else to say. Except that I really, really loathe it when people label a THREE YEAR OLD a bully.

Anyway, I get that it bothers you, especially because your dd probably spends most of her time with adults. But it has been my experience that when kids spend enough time together, someone's going to get hit, though BellinghamCrunchy seems to have had a different experience. I guess you have to weigh your options, and decide how many friends you feel your dd needs.
Atwate10 is offline  
#38 of 51 Old 06-09-2009, 01:26 PM
 
Cinder's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2003
Location: Denver, Colorado
Posts: 1,526
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
My 5 year old has also never ever pushed, hit, kicked, etc another child. He's been in a pre-school setting, early intervention with me with him first then special needs pre-school since then, since he was 15 months old...I think the reality of being in a special needs class, especially an autism specific class, is your kid is going to be hit, pushed, whatever...it just happens without the other kid even knowing that what they have done is in the least bit wrong.

Anyway,my point, he has NEVER picked up on this, never. And I don't think avoiding all kids who hit is the answer...it's not possible for some of us, and I don't think a kid hitting other kids necessarily means they are a "bad" kid.

Ohh, and I don't have a good answer. The first time one of my kids was hit was at a mall play area, a kid who had to have been at least 7 slapped Janelle, who wasn't yet 2, for wearing shoes (robeez) in the play area...I stood up immediately, was nursing Kincaid nearby, and got to the girl in time to grab her hand just before she slapped Janelle again... The mom was not impressed that I grabbed her daughter, but I honestly didn't care. : Janelle DID pick up slapping from this...she slapped dh and I and her brother (6 months at the time) for probably a month before we finally got it to stop...

Jillian wife to Ryan and mommy to Janelle Ashlynn (9/09/2002), Kincaid Chance (3/29/2004), Travis Neil (8/13/2007) and River Anderson (5/02/2009).
Cinder is offline  
#39 of 51 Old 06-09-2009, 01:31 PM
 
hipmummy's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 3,043
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by elfimka View Post
IT MAKES ME SO ANGRY.

My 3yo daughter has never ever hit anyone. EVER. She has never pushed anyone (at least on purpose). She just doesn't have it in her.

Today her friend that she plays with on a regular basis came up to her when she was laying down, and tried to pull her hair and almost dragged her.

Another time her other friend fell down, was crying, and my daughter came up and asked if she was ok. The friend pushed her.

When I see my daughter's eyes after something like this happens, it makes me SO ANGRY that I have to hold myself back to not go hurt that other child.

I stopped seeing a few friends whose kids have hit or hurt my daughter in some way, and I feel like we are running out of friends. In my head I understand that they are 3 and they are learning and it's good that these situations are happening in front of my eyes and not at a school playground where I can't discuss it with her. And on the other hand, I feel like there is no reason to take a chance of this happening and it's my job to shelter her from these negative experiences.

After those times, I talked to my daughter and told her that if something like this happens again, she needs to tell the offender to stop. And if they don't listen, to go ahead and push/hit them back.

What would you do? How do you handle this? How do you get your cool back after something like this happens?

As a parent who has a child that piches and grabs. It is not fair to drop your friends. I have been hurt by many so called "friends" because my child grabs faces. Ds is very intense is not doing it out of aggression. most of the time it is the opposite and he is trying to show love or affection. Obviuosly no one wants to see their child get hurt, but remember there are two sides to every story. We are a GD family and ds still does it. It is NORMAL for children to hit,pull,pinch bite etc. When i play with certain children I stay right next them at all times and I distract ds when he gets the "look" in his eyes. I try to prevent the event. But, I do beg everyone to stop judging parents and be a friend to the parent. It makes it worse because now the child is shunned and will have more problems.

:CLC,Doula :Mama to 2
hipmummy is offline  
#40 of 51 Old 06-09-2009, 01:31 PM
 
Cinder's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2003
Location: Denver, Colorado
Posts: 1,526
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by sunnmama View Post
I

IMO, your reaction (wanting to hurt the offending child) is extreme. I understand wanting to protect our dc from harm and hurts, but these are truly small harms and hurts. They get over them very quickly, esp if we support them in resiliency and take steps (supervision) to make sure it isn't happening repeatedly. And it is a phase that the vast majority of children outgrow before school age, when your dc might be on playgrounds without your protection. Try to remember that it is normal, although undesirable, childish behavior.
I'm actually shocked it's not every mothers natural reaction to want to hurt someone (no matter who/how small) who hurt their child (again, no matter how minor)...she didn't say she acted upon it...

There was a boy in Kincaid's class this year who told him to his face while playing before school "I don't like you cause I don't know what you are saying" (Kincaid has a pretty severe articulation issue and has been in speech therapy since he was 15 months old)...my first reaction was to WANT to slap that child...I obviously didn't, but I have to admit I did cry, and I am still upset with this child...I don't think first reactions/emotions are something we can change, but we can choose to not act on them.

Jillian wife to Ryan and mommy to Janelle Ashlynn (9/09/2002), Kincaid Chance (3/29/2004), Travis Neil (8/13/2007) and River Anderson (5/02/2009).
Cinder is offline  
#41 of 51 Old 06-09-2009, 01:47 PM
 
Marylizah's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2005
Posts: 1,853
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Oh, mama, I so feel your pain.

I also have a very gentle kiddo who has never really gone through the hitting phase. We are dealing right now with an issue: we've just moved and the ONE little boy we know here is extremely violent.

He pushes, hits, kicks, throws and screams in DS' face. It's not "normal" agression: the people who staff his daycare have had some serious chats with his mom about his behavior. She feels lost trying to help him and frankly, every playdate with this child ends badly.

While I feel for her child, I feel worse for mine. He just wants to play! And this boy is SO ANGRY and out of control.

I've cut down on playdates, but he's the only social outlet we have so far! It's rough. I'll be teaching DS to say "It's NOT OK". Right now he just cries and runs away.

Anyway, I totally understand where you are coming from. For the mamas who think she's being harsh, I disagree. It makes me furious to see my child get hit and hurt. Surely every mother can understand that?
Marylizah is offline  
#42 of 51 Old 06-09-2009, 02:05 PM
 
Cinder's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2003
Location: Denver, Colorado
Posts: 1,526
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by hipmummy View Post
As a parent who has a child that piches and grabs. It is not fair to drop your friends. I have been hurt by many so called "friends" because my child grabs faces. Ds is very intense is not doing it out of aggression. most of the time it is the opposite and he is trying to show love or affection. Obviuosly no one wants to see their child get hurt, but remember there are two sides to every story. We are a GD family and ds still does it. It is NORMAL for children to hit,pull,pinch bite etc. When i play with certain children I stay right next them at all times and I distract ds when he gets the "look" in his eyes. I try to prevent the event. But, I do beg everyone to stop judging parents and be a friend to the parent. It makes it worse because now the child is shunned and will have more problems.
I have to admit, that if another kid was grabbing my kids face, we would definitely not play with them anymore, I get it being hard to be the shunned child, but it's my responsibility to protect my kids, and grabbing faces is not ok with me at all.

Jillian wife to Ryan and mommy to Janelle Ashlynn (9/09/2002), Kincaid Chance (3/29/2004), Travis Neil (8/13/2007) and River Anderson (5/02/2009).
Cinder is offline  
#43 of 51 Old 06-09-2009, 04:15 PM
 
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Kingston, NY
Posts: 932
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
I have to admit, that if another kid was grabbing my kids face, we would definitely not play with them anymore, I get it being hard to be the shunned child, but it's my responsibility to protect my kids, and grabbing faces is not ok with me at all.
For heaven's sake, why not? Grabbing faces? Seriously?
BetsyNY is offline  
#44 of 51 Old 06-09-2009, 04:57 PM
 
Alyantavid's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2004
Posts: 7,595
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lolagirl View Post
I'm trying to say this very gently, but I think you are overreacting. I have twins, and we never ever use corporal punishment of any kind with them, but they still hit each other fairly frequently. It stinks, but hitting is a developmentally normal thing for a 3 year old child to do. Let me repeat that for emphasis: hitting is a developmentally normal thing for a 3 year old to do. Please don't judge someone's child unfairly and then cut them off without a second chance simply because the child may have hit yours while they are playing together. I understand wanting to protect your child from harm, believe me, my mama bear instinct still kicks in when one of mine hurts his sibling, but I take a deep breath, separate them, and after comforting the hurt child have a discussion with the hitter about why the behavior is hurtful and inappropriate.

Honestly, I think you can use these sorts of moments as a teaching opportunity with your daughter. Explain to her that some people have greater difficulty working through their emotions and controling their more negative ones. As long as the other parent is engaged with their own child and is responsive to the hitting situations then I really see no reason to stop letting that child play with yours. As you are already finding out, you are going to limit yourself and your daughter's opportunities for friendships and socialization quite severely if you aren't willing to be more forgiving and understanding about these sorts of situations.

Edited to add, I wouldn't encourage your daughter to hit back in these sorts of situations. At such a young age all that will do is send mixed messages to her about hitting and physical violence. What I tell my kids to do is tell the hitter to stop and come get me for help if that hitter continues after the warning.

Hope that helps!
Yep. My kids have both hit. And bit. And so on. And I feel terrible for the kids they hit. It does help to remember they are 3. 3 year old's have so little emotional control (or any control really), its what makes 3 so much fun!

Quote:
There but for the grace of God...next time it could be your kid doing the hitting, or pinching, or whispering not-nice things on the playground, or ganging up on a smaller child, etc...I think a place of compassion is a good place to start.
I totally agree.

I get the wanting to protect your child and being angry at another child for hurting yours, but these are very small children who are just learning how and what is ok and what isn't.
Alyantavid is offline  
#45 of 51 Old 06-09-2009, 05:09 PM
 
Cinder's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2003
Location: Denver, Colorado
Posts: 1,526
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by BetsyNY View Post
For heaven's sake, why not? Grabbing faces? Seriously?
you could really hurt someone grabbing their face by poking their eyes, or hitting their nose ouch! And, it would REALLY freak out my autistic 5 year old...like seriously freak him out, and maybe even more so than him, it would also very very much freak out my almost 2 year old.

Jillian wife to Ryan and mommy to Janelle Ashlynn (9/09/2002), Kincaid Chance (3/29/2004), Travis Neil (8/13/2007) and River Anderson (5/02/2009).
Cinder is offline  
#46 of 51 Old 06-09-2009, 05:15 PM
 
Cinder's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2003
Location: Denver, Colorado
Posts: 1,526
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by Alyantavid View Post

I get the wanting to protect your child and being angry at another child for hurting yours, but these are very small children who are just learning how and what is ok and what isn't.
Ohh, I definitely agree that hitting is completely normal for 3...and I would NOT stop having playdates with a kid who occasionally hits, not at all, like I said, Kincaid having been in a special needs pre-school for years now has been on the receiving end of quite a few pushes and hits, but I still think that flash of wanting to do something to the kid who hurt your kid is completely normal and not a bad thing...it becomes bad if you act upon it.

Jillian wife to Ryan and mommy to Janelle Ashlynn (9/09/2002), Kincaid Chance (3/29/2004), Travis Neil (8/13/2007) and River Anderson (5/02/2009).
Cinder is offline  
#47 of 51 Old 06-09-2009, 08:21 PM
Banned
 
4inMyHeart3inArms's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 153
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by Cinder View Post
Ohh, I definitely agree that hitting is completely normal for 3...and I would NOT stop having playdates with a kid who occasionally hits, not at all, like I said, Kincaid having been in a special needs pre-school for years now has been on the receiving end of quite a few pushes and hits, but I still think that flash of wanting to do something to the kid who hurt your kid is completely normal and not a bad thing...it becomes bad if you act upon it.
with most children who go through the hitting phase (and most children do go through it) there is a time where its occasional and a time where it's increased. For me I don't continue play dates solely for the sake of the aggressor. I continue play dates for my child sake as well, if my child wants to continue the play dates. We wouldn't continue if my child didnt want to but I notice that with most children I observe, and having been a child myself once, that it would be more hurtful to not be allowed to play with a child then the "fights" or "aggressions"

A lot can be taught in these moments to the non-aggressor.
1) that they can still be gentle (do the right thing) when the other person is not. This is a lesson they can bring with them throughout the years.
2) that they can choose to walk away. They can learn they can be tolerant and compassionate without putting themselves in danger. they can learn to speak up for themselves.

I wouldn't cut out playdates but I would give my child options, and that would include the option to walk away or end a playdate early or decline a play date invitation. The same applies to their playdates with non-aggressive children though.

A child can be heartbroken over losing a playmate. Sometimes we have to consider which is more hurtful in the long run. I'm not saying the answer is always the same either, but as much as possible I think its best for me to let my children make this decision. I plan to do the same thing when they are teens. I trusted my babies cries. Now I trust their judgment in whether or not they want to continue play dates. One day I will trust their judgment about their friends. My mom tried to tell me who to be friends with and who to date as I got older. I just went behind her back, and the sad thing was I was never given any skills as a child to learn how *I* felt about things... its possible if I had that I might have chosen friends that are respectful to me. By my mom deciding who I could have play dates with, go to the movies with, date, etc, it told me she didnt trust my judgment. If she didn't trust me, the trust was broken, and I did not trust her. On top of that I couldn't trust myself.

Again, not saying to let your child be hit, but if there is no serious danger I would take the opportunity to nourish some life long skills that will help them
1) stand up for themselves
2) determine what their limits are
3) be compassionate

We can learn to live with the flaws of others without disrespecting ourselves then we plant a seed of tolerance. I believe that comes back to us - we are tolerant of others short comings and others are tolerant of us.

However, I feel very strongly that balance is important. I don't think blind tolerance is the answer nor do I think a sheltered life is the answer. I am somewhere in the middle.

Yes, its hard to see your child be hit. With my one aggressive child I find I get very very upset when they hit my other children - and that is my own child who is making me feel that way - at the same time, I can recognize there is an unmet need and skills that need to be built, for all the children involved. My non aggressors have learned what their limits are, when to ask for help, what they can do, how to stick up for themselves, etc. None of them have sustained serious injuries I find often hurt feelings last longer then a toy being whacked on their head, at least for my children. I know it would be worse for me to say they can't play with each other anymore then for them to occasionally get pushed or hit because I wasn't fast enough to intervene.

Also, experiencing being hurt, and seeing how I respond to them when they are sends the message that they don't deserve that treatment. It reinforces it. They know mommy and daddy don't treat them that way. They also know others are expected not to treat them that way either. Additionally, and this is where sticking through it comes in, they learn that if you want to stay in a friendship you work through differences, and they also learn what they can do in these types of circumstances, and they know they are supported in their decision to either continue play dates, put them on hold for a while, a sever the friendship altogether.

Now, if I was at a play date and a child was like, trying to stab my child or something, then yes, when its severe I may have to make a decision about it for my child's safety.
but when we are talking about TYPICAL childhood aggression, it does more harm then good to stop play dates.

While yes, you should consider what its like for the other child, you must remember this effects your child just as much. You know your child best and know what decision is best for them... but consider what you wuld do if you had a second child who was an aggressor... or if you gentle child one day becomes aggressive.
Don't think it can't happen. I hope it doesn't, that would be wonderful luck, but if it does, what would you do? would you shun one of your own children? do you think it would be better for your child to see you say "we cant accept someone trying to work through a problem"

we have been through a lot in my family I guess, and we wouldn't have a family if we stopped relationships solely because someone was going THROUGH something. Learn when to walk away and when to stick around. I think people walk away in general more often then they should.

we'll I've rambled long enough. I hope everyone can find the balance or side of the fence that works for them. Just speaking from experience having 3 children of my own, 2 siblings, 4 cousins, and running several daycares as well as volunteering in school programs, and a good deal of education in the field of child psychology. In that I have learned, there is no one right answer, but that these are opportunities that we can either miss completely, or use to benefit our children for the future.
4inMyHeart3inArms is offline  
#48 of 51 Old 11-14-2012, 09:12 AM
 
Asma Zaidi's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 1
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

i m so angry rite now.....my daughter is 21/5 and she has been behavng alrite,till the time her cousin who is 4 has come to stay with us in the family home.he likes to hit her,scream at her and keep snatchng every toy she takes.i have tried tellng him that it is not right,but his mom gets upset if we say anythng....i tried telling her that atleast u say something,but she wouldnt also .just now he hit her on her eye with a plastic container...she kept crying n slept,meanwhile all she said did u hit her??" dont do it beta....dats it...wat do i do? she tells me..i wont hit him coz he is stubborn and an apple of my eye.the entire family is upset coz he doesnt play with any kid...takes away anybody toys and starts screaming won't stop unless he is given what he wants....and would keep laughing while hitting my daughter....wat do i do? i work 10 to 5 and my daughter is with her grandparents.......i get to hear atleast 1 story everyday about his nuisance.....

my daughter has started questioning my attitude.the way she looks at me....and now sometimes makes the same kind of faces that he makes and tries to yell like him which tell her to stop doing......

everytime something like this happens,she gives me such a hurtful look...i cant be dere al lthe time and have tried tellng his mother but she wont listen...wat do i do?

i feel like cryng.....like dis my daughter wouldnt trust me and wont look up to me..

Asma Zaidi is offline  
#49 of 51 Old 11-14-2012, 02:27 PM
 
moving toward's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 64
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

i really struggle with this as well because I was bullied a lot as a child both by my peers and family - I see the look in my dd's eyes when something like this happens though and it's not the look I'm expecting. She is actually ok with it and just moves away. She gets more upset when I react, I feel like me intervening really affects her confidence levels so although I still "be there" and intervene if a problem is brewing, I don't over react to her being hit/pushed etc.

 

Generally I'll firmly say to the child who offended, we don't do that, please make sure she is ok. (I don't force sorry's) I try very hard not to scold or make the other child feel bad. If another parent is there I'll just tell them and let them deal with it. My dd has learnt to stand back when bigger kids come barging through and I've noticed her grip gets tighter on objects when kids try and snatch so she is learning to stand her ground. I do feel sad when I see her moving out of the way at the playground of kids who are clearly ott in behaviour and who are not being supervised by their parents as I wonder if she is learning that mean people get their way but I think it's a fact of life that just because you are in the right doesn't mean you don't act with self preservation in mind.

moving toward is offline  
#50 of 51 Old 11-16-2012, 08:32 AM
 
sassyfirechick's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 1,624
Mentioned: 2 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 37 Post(s)

I wasn't really bullied as  kid BUT I was extremely shy and easily coerced into doing things and so when I was 7 my parents signed me up for a karate class.  What I learned there was a tremendous help and big confidence booster.  It was made very clear that I was never to use my 'strength' to harm anyone, but if push came to shove I was able to defend myself and I learned that I didn't have to be afraid to voice my concern or opinion - because I knew I could stand my ground.  It still took alot of work for me to come out my shell and at almost 30 I have moments where I shy back, but had I not taken that class all those years ago, I doubt I would be the person I am today.  I currently have a 12mo DD.  I see alot of myself in her at times but thankfully her reserve is much less.  She's a bull in a china shop physically but mentally she still get's a bit frazzled over little things.  I would absolutely step in if I felt someone was harming her in any way - no one should have to feel put down, I don't care if it comes from a stranger or a family member.

sassyfirechick is online now  
#51 of 51 Old 11-23-2012, 02:07 PM
 
IdentityCrisisMama's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2003
Posts: 10,677
Mentioned: 6 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 121 Post(s)

Welcome Asma and Moving! Please note that this thread is a few years old so the discussion will not progress the way and active thread moves forward. You are welcome to post to revive this thread but you may get more active participation in a thread by starting a new topic. Sassy, good tip about martial arts! 


Mama to DD September 2001 and DD April 2011 *Winner for most typos* eat.gif
IdentityCrisisMama is offline  
Reply

User Tag List

Thread Tools
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page


Forum Jump: 

Posting Rules  
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off