Tricks for controlling temper in the moment - Page 3 - Mothering Forums

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#61 of 114 Old 08-12-2009, 01:29 PM
 
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Subbing. Great thread and I really need this right now as I don't like how I've been feeling/thinking about my 13 month old. Thanks for all the tips ladies!
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#62 of 114 Old 08-12-2009, 01:29 PM
 
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It may sound odd, but I clap my hands as hard as possible and take a deep breath. It works more often than not and no one gets yelled at or injured. Perhaps it just shakes us all out of the moment so that we can deal with things better.

Liz

Wife, and mother to a small fairy, a demolition expert, a special new someone this fall and a small dachshund.
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#63 of 114 Old 12-09-2009, 10:57 PM
 
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"I think this is very interesting! It reveals to me that maybe the yelling bit is more about ego and ME, ME, ME and YOU MUST COMPLY and I'M THE BOSS.......(sounding childish yet?)

It takes a true grownup devoid of ego to be able to "give something away" at that key moment of fury. To be able to let down guard, become soft again, to laugh, to give the child that funny way out, then talk later when the waters are calmed.

So very often I am not that big a person. But Jennydecki has nailed it. How dangerous we become when we take ourselves too seriously."

Thanks for this post! And your previous one as well...

Krista
SAHM to DS: 02/20/08
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#64 of 114 Old 12-09-2009, 10:58 PM
 
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I think this is very interesting! It reveals to me that maybe the yelling bit is more about ego and ME, ME, ME and YOU MUST COMPLY and I'M THE BOSS.......(sounding childish yet?)

It takes a true grownup devoid of ego to be able to "give something away" at that key moment of fury. To be able to let down guard, become soft again, to laugh, to give the child that funny way out, then talk later when the waters are calmed.

So very often I am not that big a person. But Jennydecki has nailed it. How dangerous we become when we take ourselves too seriously.
Thanks for this post! And your previous one as well...

Krista
SAHM to DS: 02/20/08
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#65 of 114 Old 12-10-2009, 03:00 PM
 
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I inherited my temper from my Father.

I have mostly contained it in my adult years and so far it's been contained as a parent.

I use the SALVE method, with everything, all of the time

Seperate. Seperate yourself from the situation, mentally, step back.

Assess. Assess the situation. How bad is this now? Will it matter tomrrow?

Listen. Listen to your child/spouse/coworker. What to they want? What do they need?

Validate. Validate their feelings by truly listening and repeating it back to them.

Empower. Empower them. Show them how to rebuild the tower, save allowance for the toy they want. Tell you a story about what's bothering them, etc.

It has been an excellent tool for me.

Trin.
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#66 of 114 Old 12-11-2009, 05:53 PM
 
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Thank god for this thread!

I am another one who inherited a temper from her father and who struggles to apply gentle disciplin in spite of it.

For the most part I do alright, but it feels like a constant struggle inside. I usually feel awful about this because I want to look and feel like a Nelson, Cohen, or Sears and just breeze through parenthood with all these great solutions and skills. I'm so relieved to know I'm not the only mom who struggles with anger and temper, and that I'm allowed to forgive myself for it. I get so hung up on not being one of the model GD parents that I find on MDC that I wonder if I should ever have more children (even though I want them). I'm going to keep this thread bookmarked so I can visit it when I need tools and reassurance.

Thank you for your posts.

Humbly parenting Abraham (1/08), learning to be gentle and creative.  At least I got a good man to hold my hand.  Married to Ben (8/06). 

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#67 of 114 Old 12-11-2009, 06:15 PM
 
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You know, it feels like ages since I struggled with this. I wonder now about how the change has come about for us.

I mean, it's obviously been stuff we've changed about our parenting and our expectations. But I have to say, this lady's blog has really opened my eyes to look at things a new way:
http://thesparklingmartins.blogspot.com/

In some ways she is way too far out for me; but in other ways the philosophy has REALLY helped! It really gets the ol' brain gears turning.

And she has a Yahoo group too, so you can get support and ask questions and all that. Good luck!
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#68 of 114 Old 12-12-2009, 12:19 AM
 
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subbing - having a particularly anger-filled week. we cancelled our 10-year old's birthday party (supposed to be tomorrow) due to too many tantrums, and I know I share the blame for them.

we will be spending the weekend trying to mend our relationships.

read page 1 - will read more later

Mama to 3 girls 12,8,3
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#69 of 114 Old 12-12-2009, 09:24 PM
 
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Subscribing. My father had a horrible temper when I was younger and I inherited that. I vividly remember punching a hole in a wall when I was younger. He started taking martial arts when I was almost through high school and that made a big difference in our household, but I'd already learned the bad stuff. As an adult (and I'm 36 now) I've learned to go perfectly still when I'm about to lose it. I basically shut down until I know I can open my mouth or move without doing/saying something I don't really want to. I've even done really well with DSD and modeled better 'dealing with life' skills for her and DP. BUT I'm having my first child next summer and I'M SCARED. DSD just can't push my buttons. But I know my own child will be able to. So gathering ideas now. Love the one about the push ups and I will suggest it to both DP and DSD. Hoping for strength for all of us.

Loving mama to Aden (8/5/2010) and DSD (15).
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#70 of 114 Old 12-13-2009, 01:10 AM
 
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subbing- I'm so near tears. I have had a great relationship with DS up until 8 weeks ago when DD was born. Now I'm at my limit and the frustration and yelling have begun. I was able to keep myself calm with him before, GD was possible and going mostly smoothly, but now I'm stumped and everything I thought I knew has gone out the window. I feel so sad, I'm afraid my wonderful relationship with him is just going to fall apart, he is almost 3. DH and I just had an unproductive conversation about it that made me feel worse. I'm glad this thread was here tonight.
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#71 of 114 Old 12-13-2009, 01:30 AM
 
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Originally Posted by VTmamadownsouth View Post
Thank god for this thread!

I get so hung up on not being one of the model GD parents that I find on MDC that I wonder if I should ever have more children (even though I want them). I'm going to keep this thread bookmarked so I can visit it when I need tools and reassurance.

Thank you for your posts.
Amen. Sometimes I have a hard time even visiting MDC because mamas here seem so perfect and patient and awesome.

I have a violent, violent temper. I used to beat the crap out of my siblings. I have spanked DS. I have screamed at him. I hate myself for it, but I can't change what has happened. I can only try to make myself better from now on. I really like the hand-clapping idea.

Subbing. Thanks, mamas, for being willing to share your darker selves here. It is a relief to find I am not alone.

Kris - married to Nate since 12/06, mom to Toby since 1/08. Also servant to two felines. Done having babies for medical reasons.

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#72 of 114 Old 12-13-2009, 02:51 AM
 
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I'm thankful to find this thread tonight. Lots of great ideas and reminders/affirmations about WHY I don't want to do what I just did with my DD over bedtime.

I used to be one of those annoying childless people who could never understand why a parent would even raise their voice let alone get rough or spank their child and had all the aspirations in the world about breaking the cycle of violence in my own family. My father had a nasty temper too and as I'm finding out, so do I. I think I'm finally, reading this thread, willing to admit it.

I've never hit my child, but I've been way rougher than I ever thought I could be. I get overwhelmed with rage like I've never experienced before and it's sometimes too much for me to stop and choose another way to deal with the situation, or like a PP said, I have the thought but am so mad I decide to go ahead with it anyway. And instantly I'm remorseful and sick with how scary the situation must be for my DD.

Does anyone have any specific tips for dealing with rage during bedtime/night wakings? My DD is still so young and for some reason I'm pretty much able to keep it together and be gentle during the day (I see her behavior as age appropriate and can deal), but once bedtime hits I just can't deal with her fighting sleep and waking up so often. It's not like I can walk away from the bed in the middle of the night to take 10 deep breaths, and being partially asleep and desperate for sleep makes everything seem worse. And trying to get her to sleep is actually the worst while she's kicking and thrashing and pinching and won't. be. still. long enough to actually fall asleep. That's when I've gotten the roughest and I just realized, how on earth do I think that scaring the crap out of her is going to help her relax and fall asleep?!? I can think I need to do it differently, but I need some real strategies for keeping it together if anyone has got something up their sleeve.

Mama to my Addie Bug wool.gif (10/2008) and angel1.gif (6/2010); nursing student & childbirth educator
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#73 of 114 Old 12-13-2009, 10:45 AM
 
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subbing- I'm so near tears. I have had a great relationship with DS up until 8 weeks ago when DD was born. Now I'm at my limit and the frustration and yelling have begun. I was able to keep myself calm with him before, GD was possible and going mostly smoothly, but now I'm stumped and everything I thought I knew has gone out the window. I feel so sad, I'm afraid my wonderful relationship with him is just going to fall apart, he is almost 3. DH and I just had an unproductive conversation about it that made me feel worse. I'm glad this thread was here tonight.
(((hugs))), Jenine, this is such a hard time. This was one of the hardest times in my relationship with my oldest child, when the second one was born. It will get better. As you get more sleep and your family adjusts to having another child. The things that helped were getting help--family, friends, neighbors, whoever offers help in any way that actually was helpful, we accepted it. Especially if other kids could come over and play with ds, that was wonderful for him. Dh and I also tried to give ds one on one time each week. Naps help too, for everyone. But mostly it was just a rough time and looking back, it was just hard for all of us.

Today our relationship is pretty good. He remains my most challenging child but we work on it bit by bit. If I yell or am unfair, I apologize to him and we move on.
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#74 of 114 Old 12-14-2009, 03:38 PM
 
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what a great thread, I can relate to so many mamas here, I also was raised by a parent with a very hot temper (not violent, thankfully) and I struggle every day, especially when I'm tired, sick, overwhelmed etc. I find with two kids I am 100X more likely to lose it.
I have tried the empathizing, the verbally repeating their feelings thing to be very helpful, also I try to imagine that someone else is watching, or try to see myself through my child's eyes. All of these work sometimes, but I can also relate to the 'seeing red' feeling, especially with defiance, with bedtimes when I am already tired etc.

Great thread, and I need to put many of these suggestions into place.
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#75 of 114 Old 12-16-2009, 11:27 PM
 
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Woo Hoo...4 pages so I'm not alone! Everyone said I'd be a great mom because I was so patient and calm.....don't know what happened...but I definitely have some anger.

One thing that I've been doing and seems to be working is telling my 2 toddler boys that I'm starting to get mad and they need to do what I say. Verbalizing my emotions imho is better than expressing it physically, which I was doing. The more I'd throw items or scream or slam doors, the more my kids did it.

Verbalizing my emotions actually defuses my anger better than slamming doors.

Amber: Does anyone have any specific tips for dealing with rage during bedtime/night wakings?

My ds used to have wakings, but he really wasn't awake so after we figured this out, we stopped talking and just held him and tapped on his pillow to get him to lay down again. I also gently rub his back to help calm him down. Before, the more we talked to him and asked him questions (do you want potty? are you hungry? etc...) the more intense it got. So keeping things quiet works better. (for us anyway.)

Thanks so much to op for starting this, I've been on other mom forums and it was so taboo to admit needing help with anger, we can all help eachother!
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#76 of 114 Old 12-17-2009, 02:17 AM
 
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I would imagine everyone's triggers are different, but I notice that (almost consistently) I get angriest when I have not been with the child when the problem started, and I hear about the problem after the fact. Does this make sense? For example, if my 4 yo does something to my 2 yo and I just hear my 2 yo cry about it, I am much more likely to get angry than I would be if I'd been with them both all along.

I liken this to contractions. When I have them and they build up slowly, I can deal with them because I know they are coming. However, if they would come on suddenly and intensely, they'd be much harder to deal with.

If I can manage to connect before I correct (I read this somewhere and it's true) then I end up not getting mad or as mad.

One other thing (also preventative) is trying to identify why I am mad. Children really never do anything "wrong" though it is hard to realize that in the moment-- it really is all about ME. When I go through a few days of being mad I look for patterns. Today I realized that it's because I feel sort of helpless with a newborn, so I reviewed doing back carries. I felt like a new person with her on my back-- FINALLY able to help my kids easily.

These tips have been amazing. I love the counting one (counting in a funny way). I think humor is such a wonderful resource. I just need to use it more!

 2/02, 4/05, 2/07, 11/09, and EDD 12/25/11 wave.gif

 

 

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#77 of 114 Old 12-20-2009, 08:40 AM
 
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I have my moments as well...and I think that we all will experience it at least once. I mean we are only human.

For me if I don't let myself get caught up in the moment praying works. I will say a Hail Mary, or the St. Michael the Archangel prayer. Oh, sometimes I even say,"Precious Blood of our Lord Jesus Christ wash over me." That really seems to help.

Thank you for this.
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#78 of 114 Old 12-20-2009, 02:12 PM
 
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I have found it helpful to reflect on the anger itself, and where it comes from. What is the underlying assumption when I get angry? What is literally happening inside my head? (I do this reflecting later on, not in-the-moment). I think we'd all do well to do this. For example, if I get angry at my child for something, what is the underlying assumption? Is it "I know best and my child is disobeying me." or "I am seriously afraid right now that I am failing as a parent, and when I am afraid, it comes out in anger." It is HUGELY important to analyze this way. Get at the root of it.

Sometimes when I think about my angry & too-often violent Dad, it helps to remember that his dad died when he was just 7 years old. And his own dad had been brutal with him. So how afraid was that little boy, my Dad? Pretty much so. And if he's anything like me, he gets angry when he's afraid. So look inside yourself. What are you afraid of, if that is the case? Are you comparing yourself against some external "parenting rules," some expectations that someone (maybe YOU) have of yourself that aren't realistic? Are you thinking in terms of success or failure with your kid, and disobedience signals failure? Get inside that noggin of yours and see what's happening.

Ever since we've changed our parenting style (even during the course of my time here at the Mothering forums), the anger issue has all but disappeared for us. I'd be happy to elaborate or correspond privately (if need be) for anyone who wants to know more.
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#79 of 114 Old 02-23-2010, 07:11 PM
 
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I found this thread on a search after I successfully made it through an hour and a half of my 18 month old crying ... without flipping out.

Let me back up.

He was crying because he was overtired. He usually nurses to sleep, but that wasn't working. I have a 3 year old, too, who was waiting for his mama to help him get settled into quiet time. So I had to leave DS2 to attend to DS1 every once in a while. DS2, if left crying, escalates the crying.

I do not do well with crying. Well, there's crying and then there is SCREAMING. That's what was going on today.

And here's the awful part. He has never done that before, so I was assessing the variables. One likely one is that he is 18 months old today, and it is not uncommon for 18 month olds to have a sleep regression. So it could just be that. But two days ago I gruffly pulled him away from a kitchen cabinet he was getting into and plunked him down on the other side of the safety gate too hard. And yesterday he was screaming because he wanted to go outside and I was just trying to get his shoes and jacket on so he could so I spanked him to get him to just settle down and not cry. And I yelled.

I haven't really done that before with him. And so it made it easier not to lose it today because I was thinking, "omg, he is crying and crying because he is so confused about what I am to him." And that is very likely true. My poor baby.

I think of this poem, which the readers of this thread might appreciate more than most:
http://www.poemhunter.com/poem/the-clasp/

And I wonder... is that true? That last line? "near the source of love
was this"?

Poetry aside, I am going to read this thread in its entirety and make a more focused effort to control my temper. I am ashamed, and now I see how my 3 year old treats his little brother when he is angry... and I am disgusted with myself.

So, no tips here. Just a little post of self-loathing among people who understand.

Distraction is not the same thing as play.
Be part of the diaper free revolution. 

DS1, 6 years.  DS2, 4 years.  DS3, brand new!  (April 2012)
 

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#80 of 114 Old 02-23-2010, 07:43 PM
 
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Thank you for this thread! I am not a yeller, but I do get angry and do stupid things. I too, am a bed plunker. And last week I slammed DD's (4) bedroom door because she just wasn't listening/cooperating during the night time routine. I felt so STUPID afterwards, especially because DD is fairly dramatic...well, no wonder, right?

One thing I try really, really hard is never to use angry words that are directed at her character. I will say "You're not listening, I need cooperation" but I won't say "You are bad, a brat, etc..." that helps me maintain a little self-respect when I do lose my temper.

On the one hand, we all do lose our tempers, I think it's got to be normal and maybe even acceptable to a point. But I guess we all know when we cross our own personal lines to regrettable behavior. And yes, I can be just as stupid with my husband! Would take any tips for being patient there, too.
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#81 of 114 Old 02-23-2010, 08:10 PM
 
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I don't know if this has been suggested, but what works (most of the time) for me is when I talk through my emotions with the child (usually middle dd) who's pushing my buttons. I let them know that "I'm feeling a lot of anger in my body" and that I need X to happen. Many times, talking through it helps me see how controlling I'm being and allows me to try a different approach.

In love with Dh since 1998. We created Ds (7.1.03), Dd (10.16.06) and Dd (3.16.09).
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#82 of 114 Old 02-23-2010, 10:21 PM
 
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I've been working on this a lot lately. Its been a huge issue for me. Recently, I had an a-ha moment that anger isn't bad or wrong. it just is. i have always made myself wrong for getting angry and frustrated. Of COURSE we are going to get angry living with these infuriating little human beings. Our being impatient, frustrated and angry aren't bad. They are actually our access to being the kinds of parents we want to be. I liked the article on mothering about "the good enough parent" that we are all trapped by the idea that we are supposed to be perfect and then we get guilty, and that causes anger.

I've found the thoughts are what really causes the anger. My children cant MAKE me do anything. My triggers are just that--MY triggers. I choose to let myself get triggered. Sometimes i'm able to be calm and centered and other times i explode. The thoughts are things like "she's such a brat" or "they never let me have any time to myself!" or "she shouldn't be doing this" or "why is she upset? she's the one causing all the problems". when i have these thoughts, i get angry, frustrated, annoyed and react accordingly.
When i pause for a moment and examine my thoughts, i see them for what they are--made up. Most likely my child is tired, hungry, scared, frustrated, needs to connect, or just needs to release emotions. Children will actually set up frustrating situations in order to let themselves release pent up emotions. they need to cry and rage. its normal. When i then shift the thoughts to things like "what does she need right now?" "what's it like for her--really [really get in their world, total empathy]" or "she is really needing a calm adult to connect with right now' i feel so centered and like i can handle anything. the thoughts are empowering.
so next time just notice the thoughts--are they like "she's manipulative" "she's such a tyrant" "i have no control/power here!" and just notice what the thoughts are having you feel like. What if you shift them to something like "she has needs that are unmet" and notice what kinds of feelings and actions are produced.

This one is also really good for the raging/tantruming/out of control child who is in the middle of a meltdown and releasing emotions CALM:
C rying is healthy/normal
A dd understanding (empathy)
L ook in their eyes
M ove close

this helps remind me to be centered when my children are flipping out. i dont need to stop them from screaming, raging, tantruming. i can remain close and available and i'm sending the message that 'its ok. i'm here'

L married to J 8 years. Parents to 6 y.o. dd and 3 y.o. ds :nana
Veggie Family
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#83 of 114 Old 02-24-2010, 01:48 AM
 
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Hey Mamas!

I had been doing SO well with the anger thing. I was even Zen the whole 3 weeks my mother was here.

And then it... fell apart somehow. Probably after mom left everything she said finally sank in.

So to lecture myself, these are some things that helped me find that happy place. 'Cuz if I found it once, I can find it again. Right?

1) My body does not process sugar well. 3 days after building up too much sugar I yell. A lot. I just plain lose my edit button. So less sugar for me.

2) Focus on the things I'm grateful for. Both in general and in relationships. Actively search out those things that make each of my children fascinating.

3) When dealing with things I'm not grateful for, focus on solutions, not problems.

4) When dealing with things I cannot change, focus on things I'm grateful for. Only spend my time, energy, skills, focus, etc on things I can actually change.

5) Try to keep in mind that I'm not the only person in my life with an agenda. For that matter, we don't *have* to go with my agenda every. single. time. or. else. Turns out, my husband has his own agenda. And so do each of my kids. So I'm *trying* to remember to leave space in my life for the agendas of my family. Sometimes we do what I need done right now because I said so (back off -- the oven is hot), and sometimes we can do what they want (to jump backwards) and what I want (dirty clothes in laundry) at the same time. And sometimes I wait my turn. Because for me, thinking people should obey me is an anger trigger. Big time.

6) Be gentle with myself. I learn. I grow. I change. Everyday. So do my kids. (Verdict's still out on hubby! ) So it's OK to focus on my growth instead of my (all too frequent) failures. Same for my kids. And Hubby.

Well, thanks for letting me ramble. It really was really, really peaceful in my head when I was holding on to the idea that everyone else is gonna do what they're gonna do. I can choose how I respond to what they do. I can even choose to respond in a calm way that might help them make better choices next time. But I can't choose for them and force my choices on them. I only choose for me.

Sorry. More rambling. Thanks and ,
-rockport-

Learning & growing & changing everyday!
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#84 of 114 Old 02-24-2010, 01:57 AM
 
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I recently got a trick from my friend's blog. She suggested asking for a hug when things were getting heated.

It works so well! My almost 3 year old has been in a food and drink messing stage lately, and I tried it out the first time just after he dumped a cup of milk all over the counter on purpose. I gritted my teeth and said, "You know, Mommy really needs a hug."
I did need a hug. And he need a hug too.
And the milk got cleaned up. And we went on with the rest of our day. And I think it was better because instead of yelling what an infuriating thing that was to do, I was able to get us both reconnected. We both got hugs, and then we could clean up the milk together without there being lots of ill feelings between us.
Reconnecting is really powerful!
Melinda
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#85 of 114 Old 02-24-2010, 06:21 PM
 
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I am subscribing to this thread...I really needed to read it right now.

Those of you who have been pouring out your hearts on this thread...you are NOT, I repeat NOT alone. I am right there with you too.

I was at my wit's end last night. DS has been really pushing my buttons and I have not been handling it well. I have been spanking in anger and that is NOT part of my parenting plan. I have been yelling and screaming and not only is that completely ineffective and again, not part of my parenting plan, but it seems to make things worse, both between me and DS and just with my attitude in general. Ugh.

So many posts in this thread have given me much needed encouragement and helped me put things in perspective a little. I love the hug suggestion that was just posted - that is the one I will be focusing on for the rest of the day. And many of the other suggestions too...let's keep this thread going, because I need the support!

I'm also trying to remember the whole "I'm LETTING him push my buttons" thing, and to own my emotions, and to express anger in an appropriate way (I broke something the other day, not cool). I might try the counting thing. And each time I handle something less than ideally I try to assess where I went wrong and how I can catch myself next time before it escalates.

I didn't inherit my bad temper, my mom and dad were almost always cool as a cucumber...so I have no excuse.

By the time my kid(s) are all grown up I will be a much better person. Learn, change, grow, be refined. I'm going to try to keep that in mind too...a secondary goal of parenting, to become a better person.

Mommy to an exuberant 3 yo bouncy.gif and a new one!  nak.gif

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#86 of 114 Old 02-24-2010, 07:12 PM
 
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Thank you for this thread. I'm a first time mom, my dd's only 4 months old, but my background is very similar; my da had anger, lots of anger (and his da was an abusive alcoholic). I have a very. bad. temper.
I'm so glad to find some suggestions to think about.
I know I have the opportunity with my child/future children to stop that cycle. I've already experienced temper overload with my little sweet baby when she was screaming her head off. This thread helps.

Is it getting lonely in the echo chamber yet?

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#87 of 114 Old 02-25-2010, 05:35 PM
 
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#88 of 114 Old 02-25-2010, 08:34 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by lnitti View Post
I also have the similar background with the angry father. I did not feel scared with my father, I felt angry back. Belt me? fine it doesn't hurt. Punch me? Ok I'll punch you back. A teenage girl in fist fights with her father.


Thank you for clarifying this for me. My own response as a child was to be scared but I have a child now who just gets angry if I speak or yell angrily at him. It seems like defiance but then again, it's just him. He's always been this way. So maybe he just reacts with anger instead of fear. Not that I want him to fear me, I'm just saying that was my reaction if my mother even slightly raised her voice.



Quote:
3. dd1 hitting or otherwise hurting dd2 (2). She does it ALL the time. The mama bear comes out in me in defense of dd2.
Yup, I say this all the time. My mama bear is quick to come out and she has a mean, mean temper. Meaner than the rest of me. I have to really try very hard not to scream at one kid who is going after another and remember that they are all my kids. My ds1 as a toddler would run up when I was nursing newborn dd and smack her in the head as hard as he could. Talk about your mama bear.

Quote:
Do I really just pick up dd2 from whatever she was doing, thus an unexpected interruption that she is probably not happy about and lock us in a room? Do I really need to hide from my child to be safe? That doesn't seem right to me.
I had to do this several times when my ds1 would rage as a toddler and young preschooler. He would go after me or my dd so I would either go into my bedroom and shut/lock the door or into the laundry room which had a baby gate across it that he could not open. I just busied dd with something fun in that room, helping me put clothes in the washer or looking at books in my bedroom. But she was pretty young. I don't know if you said how old your kids are. If the younger one is preschool age or above, I would just explain to her that you need to go to a safe place until sister calms down.

I only had to do this a few times with my son, he didn't like it at all and soon his behavior got much better. I would tell him, "I will not stay in a room with you if you are hurting me or your sister." It's a big trigger for me too. I hear ya. It wasn't something I wanted to do but it was better than screaming at him or dragging him up to his room, which is what I felt like doing.
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#89 of 114 Old 02-26-2010, 04:14 AM
 
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I really need this thread too.

I have started yelling. Although mostly at the pets. But DS sees me loosing my temper and really yelling at the pets. This is usually when I am trying to get DS to sleep and they start meowing (cat) or whining (dog) which gets DS up and standing in bed ready to play with them. As in he is lying quietly with eyes closed and suddenly up and jumping on the bed. This seriously pushes my buttons.

I have lost my temper and slammed a door while shouting my frustration. He did get an awful fright. Since that episode I have forced myself grit my teeth if necessary, call my husband, detach myself emotionally from the moment, turn over so that I am not facing DS and I can just gather myself. Or just give up on going to sleep.

I really like the idea of behaving as if someone is watching.

It also made me realise that this is such a HUGE topic. I don't think anyone on this thread endorses shouting and violence as appropriate communication, and yet we all struggle with this. I have thought a lot about how we are raising children today, often under enormous pressure either as a parent at home alone with kid/s or a parent rushing through their day combing parenting and work commitments outside of the family. Both have different stressors.

It helps me to realise that my loosing my temper does not happen in a vacuum. Not to excuse it, as I really would prefer not to loose my temper, for my own mental health, as well as my child's. However, there really is only so much a person can do on their own. I know that I live half the world away from my family, with hostile IL's and no real support system to speak of, beyond my husband. I am mourning my mothers death, I am trying to figure out how to be the best person and parent that I can be, how to nourish and nurture our home life. It's hardly surprising that on most days I loose my temper when the dog whines.

I know how guilty I felt when I slammed the door (so hard the door handle broke and I had to crawl back into our bedroom through the window to get to DS). I felt like the worst mother/person in the world. And I was mortified. And yet I forced myself to blog about it and not be scared of people judging me for having done that. People get angry. It is a part of life, although it does not fit into Natural Family Living quite as neatly as cosleeping or breastfeeding on demand.

When I remember Naomi Aldorts' SALVE works for me. Sometimes it all just happens too quickly and I forget to stop.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I just reread my post and I completely forgot that I shouted at my son a second time when he wouldn't go to sleep. I feel awful again. That was a bad bad day.

Megan, mama to her little boy (Feb2008) and introducing our little girl (Dec 2010)
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#90 of 114 Old 02-26-2010, 04:42 AM
 
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Thank you for this thread and all of these great suggestions. I need them too. In the moment is the hardest time for me too.

Megan -
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