Unconditional Parenting support thread - Page 9 - Mothering Forums

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#241 of 367 Old 09-10-2009, 11:26 PM
 
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You're right on that the bossiness is about taking control. I guess how much you go along with it depends on whether or not the requests are reasonable. If you can't leave the room, for example, just explain that to ds. If he gets upset, that's ok. I don't think this is about not ever having any upsets. They'll still happen. It's about showing our children that we love them even when their behavior is hard to take. That's a big misconception that people have about radical unschooling. They think parents do everything their children say so that the children won't ever be upset or feel bad. Not only is that impossible, but it's just wrong.
I'm not really worried about DS getting upset when I don't do what he wants, it's more about me not liking to be ordered by a child I guess. I tried to examine my thoughts and my conclusion is that I'm simply affraid. When will this bossiness stop, what if it doesn't stop? If I don't stop it will he keep it up forever? Will he think of me as a pushover?
Those are all my thoughts, so irrational... I can't get them out of my head

Joanna WAHM to DS 10/2007
You must be the change you wish to see - Ghandi
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#242 of 367 Old 09-11-2009, 09:30 AM
 
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Today's Daily Groove newsletter is exactly what I needed:

Perhaps you've been led to believe that worrying
about children goes hand in hand with loving them.
But in truth, parental love is far more powerful
*without* worry than with it.

Worries focus all your attention on what you *don't*
want and put you in a state of *fear*. This sends a
message to your child that you *expect* bad things
to happen. And since children naturally tend to meet
their parents' unspoken expectations, worries are
self-fulfilling prophesies.

Today, if you catch yourself worrying, don't worry
about it. :-)

Instead, use your awareness of worry to shift your
focus in the direction of what you *do* want, and
reach for thoughts that soothe your worries:

"It's not the end of the world."
"It won't last forever."
"I've successfully handled worse situations."
"We always find our way."
...etc.

Before long you'll start feeling hopeful, and you'll
feel your heart opening, too. An open heart is all
you need for love to flow unconditionally...
unhindered by worries.


I worry too much!!! DS will learn to respect others and say "please" eventually. I think it all comes down to me doubting myself as a parent, I have to believe in myself and everything will be fine.

I apologize I keep writing about myself and my problems but it really helps me see things clearer.

MW thank you for your advice, it's really helpful, I'm glad we have you here

Joanna WAHM to DS 10/2007
You must be the change you wish to see - Ghandi
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#243 of 367 Old 09-11-2009, 10:25 AM
 
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Any other parents of older kids on here? I have an 8 month old and a 10 year old, so most of this is stuff I'm working on with my 10 year old. I read UP many years ago and liked it but just re-read it to be more conscious in my parenting as we've gone through some rough times and to bolster my confidence that I've been doing the right thing. My daughter had been having a hard time after switching schools (still is) and there were more conflicts in my house and she was returning to needing me to help her get to sleep for hours at a time - all of which was having me question whether I had gone wrong somewhere. However, my daughter is also crazy in love with her little brother, super-helpful with him, wonderful with all younger kids she knows, a great friend to her closest friends, an amazing and persistent writer and can be incredibly empathetic and kind - and she's crazy smart and interesting with interesting questions about the world. Have to remember those things

Anyways, here's what I consider a UP success story (after also reading Haim Ginott's "Between Parent and Child"). A month ago she was supposed to go on a 3 week trip to Egypt with her dad - away from me, her stepdad and her baby brother. Currently she spends 1, sometimes 2, nights each week with her dad. So this was going to be hard but exciting. A few days before the trip I talked to her on the phone before picking her up from a friend's and she was crying and said she didn't want to go. My partner and I talked before picking her up and agreed that we would not try to convince her she would be okay or offer up ways to help her deal while she's there or motivations for why it was important for her dad and his family (he's from Egypt and she has a whole family there) for her to go. We were just going to listen to her and empathize with her feelings and try to get her to talk. It was REALLY hard. When we responded with "it must be really hard for you", she was like "YES! what are we going to do about it? I'm NOT going". This was a lot of the conversation and we just came back to listening and empathizing. We also were pretty clear that not going was not an option, but we just stated that point once. She cried a lot and we tried to be extra-nice to her that day, though it was tough because she was so upset and then difficult. At night we were like "well, that didn't work."

THEN, she woke up the next morning focused on preparations for leaving, what we were going to do before she left, packing, etc. She was great! At that point we talked about how to make it easier while she was gone. She left for the airport looking so grown up and confident. She ended up having a great time. We skyped every day, which helped a lot. She didn't have a single breakdown while she was there and genuinely focused on enjoying time with her family.

Then the hard thing when she came back was to resist the urge to say how proud of her because I was SO proud of how resilient she was and how she coped. But I didn't want to send the signal that I'm only proud of her if she doesn't break down when she's away from us. Instead, I just stated that she seemed to cope well with being away and asked her if that was true and why. She said it was the Skyping and left it at that. I was also sick unfortuantely when she came home and she went and bought her school supplies by herself and got everything together. Then she had me tuck her in and went to bed at a normal hour by herself (a major struggle of the last few months, esp as she hates her new school) and got up and got ready for school this morning in time.

It was pretty incredible! I'm sure the other shoe will drop at some point but for now I am relishing what an amazing kid I have and feeling pretty good about my parenting. I have to remember these times when she's struggling.
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#244 of 367 Old 09-11-2009, 11:49 AM
 
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I'm not really worried about DS getting upset when I don't do what he wants, it's more about me not liking to be ordered by a child I guess. I tried to examine my thoughts and my conclusion is that I'm simply affraid. When will this bossiness stop, what if it doesn't stop? If I don't stop it will he keep it up forever? Will he think of me as a pushover?
Those are all my thoughts, so irrational... I can't get them out of my head
Ah, ok. Yeah, I think the same thing sometimes. I think it's ok, even good, for you to say when you don't like the ordering. It is important for you to show your children that you are not a doormat, that people do not like to be ordered, as long as it's done in a respectful manner.

There are times when I won't do things for my 5yo because I don't like the way he's been ordering me around and he can do it himself. For example, I've just been up and down the stairs 3 times. As soon as I sit down ds tells me to get his drink from downstairs. I tell him I just sat down and am not going back downstairs right now but will get his drink the next time I do. I'm not refusing to do it for him ever. I'm just saying I'm not going to do it right this second after just running around, especially since he had the opportunity to ask me to get it before. (I almost always tell him when I'm going downstairs and ask if he needs anything while I'm down there.) He yells at me to get it now! I tell him that he is capable of getting it himself if he needs it right now. If he wants me to get it, he'll have to wait until I go downstairs again. He usually gets very upset about this but I don't think it's reasonable for him to expect me to constantly run around doing everything for him with no consideration for me, especially when he can do most things himself. I do all of these things for him as much as possible whenever it's reasonable and, when I don't, I try to be respectful about it, the same way I would with my dh.

Another thing to do would be to give your dc as much opportunity as possible to have control over situations that you are ok with. Like the book says, the more often a child is given power and control over his/her environment, the better they will be able to accept those few times when they don't have that power and control because they know that it's not arbitrary. Before sitting down to eat, ask your ds where he would like everyone to sit.

bronxmom ~ Thanks for sharing that. That's a great example of UP in real life. It didn't appear to be working at first because your dd was still upset even after doing all the things suggested in the book. However, after having time to digest everything and work through it herself, she came up with her own answers, whatever those were. I think you handled it perfectly when she came back, too. You expressed to her that she seemed to do well on her trip and she agreed but acknowledged that it was because she was able to keep in daily contact with you. So, she was able to acknowledge her independence and dependence at the same time without any judgment of either.

I have older children, 3 boys, an 18yo, 5yo and then my LO, 2yo. Unfortunately, with my oldest, I didn't rediscover AP until he was about 12-13 and didn't discover UP until he was 16-17. He's the one I have the hardest time doing this with, maybe because we have so much history of doing things the conventional way.

He's complaining all the time about how he can't get a job. However, he walks into places to inquire about jobs with his blue/green mohawk standing at least 6 inches up from his head. Um, yeah, maybe that's why people don't hire him. Personally, I don't think that should matter but I know that other people do. He knows this so what does he do? He decides to get a tattoo that essentially covers his entire forearm. I don't have anything against tattoos. My dh and I both have them. I just don't think it's such a great idea for him to put it in such a conspicuous place. He agrees but says that's where it looks good so he's going to do it.

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#245 of 367 Old 09-11-2009, 11:58 AM
 
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Wow, this is great! My husband and I have had many discussions about how we can avoid getting caught up in all the "rush rush" and competitiveness that seems rampant in today's parenting. We have a 14 month old and I've seen such behavior since my son was born.

It seems like UP is a great way to help us stay present when we are with our children. I am a SAHM and some of my favorite moments in the day are when I just sit back and watch my little man play and discover his world. "Talk less, listen more" is my favorite from the list.
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#246 of 367 Old 09-11-2009, 07:52 PM
 
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Bronxmom, you've handled the situation beautifully, great job

MW, I feel for you
Gosh it must be hard when your kids do irresponsible things and there's nothing you can do about it. I used to be like that when I was a teenager, did a lot of stupid things

Joanna WAHM to DS 10/2007
You must be the change you wish to see - Ghandi
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#247 of 367 Old 09-11-2009, 10:04 PM
 
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Bronxmom, that was really an inspirational story! I'm glad your daughter was able to cope so well and enjoy the trip.

Betsy, mama to beautiful, strong MZ twins Lillian and Kate, born 11 weeks early on January 10, 2006.
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#248 of 367 Old 09-11-2009, 10:40 PM
 
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i love this thread. my baby is only 7 months but i read UP when i was pregnant and think about it a lot, especially when i am uncomfortable with the way someone else is parenting. i will be reading this over and over as we get towards the more trying ages.... what do you all have to suggest about UP and daycare? we are searching for a new daycare and i've been trying to figure out how to bring up these kinds of things with daycare providers without seeming critical of their methods...
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#249 of 367 Old 09-12-2009, 06:57 PM
 
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#250 of 367 Old 09-12-2009, 07:10 PM
 
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OK, I have another dilemma, DS fakes crying a lot.He does it often throughout the day and he does it with me only. Usually he does it when he wants me to pick him up or just simply needs my attention. Sometimes it makes me laugh, he calls me and when I'm looking he'll start crying, often looking thru his fingers
Most friends tell me to ignore it but I know better. I always react because I understand that this is his way of telling me he needs me. I'm afraid though, that he will turn into whiny kid. He sees now that fake crying brings results, it may lead him to think, this is a great way to get my attention.

Did any of you have similar situation and how did you deal with it?

Joanna WAHM to DS 10/2007
You must be the change you wish to see - Ghandi
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#251 of 367 Old 09-12-2009, 08:50 PM
 
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I model for my son, "Mommy, I need your attention." Then I respond, "Oh, what do you need?"

Or if he's fussing about something, "Mommy, may I please have some juice?" or whatever would be appropriate for him to say.

I figure he doesn't know what to say, so I let him know what it is. My husband thinks this is controlling. I disagree. I really do it so he can learn what is the right thing to say in the situation.

Created an instant family (7/89 and 5/91) in 1997. Made a baby boy 12/05 adopted a baby girl 8/08. Ask me about tandem adoptive nursing. Now living as gluten, dairy, cane sugar, and tomato free vegetarians. Homeschooling and loving it.

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#252 of 367 Old 09-15-2009, 09:04 AM
 
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MW, I feel for you
Gosh it must be hard when your kids do irresponsible things and there's nothing you can do about it. I used to be like that when I was a teenager, did a lot of stupid things
I may have found a way to remedy this situation. I told him that I'd give him up to $200 for Christmas to get a professional tattoo. (Did I mention that he said either he or one of his friends was going to put that tattoo on his arm?! He's taking his GED tests today and tomorrow. :

Is this a success story? The other day my 5yo was playing with his friend next door. They got into an argument about something and my 5yo came storming into the house, slamming the door in his friend's face. A little later when my ds got over being angry he asked to go back over to his friend's house to play. I took him over (not knowing exactly what had happened between them). The first thing my ds said to his friend was that he was sorry for slamming the door in his face. I did not tell my ds that would be a nice thing to do. I didn't even know he had slammed the door.

I wouldn't ignore the crying, whether real or not. Maybe your ds is upset or hurt or whatever, not quite enough to produce a full-on cry but enough to evoke the little "fake" cry. I do what mybabysmama does anytime my kids request something in a not-so-pleasant way. I say it the way I'd like to hear it. I also make sure to talk to others the way I'd like my children to talk to me. So, I ask, rather than tell, them to do things without any expectation that my request means they have to do it. I think most all kids go through a whiny stage. It's a normal part of development. As long as it's not encouraged, the child will grow out of it as he learns new skills.

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#253 of 367 Old 09-15-2009, 10:57 AM
 
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OK, I have another dilemma, DS fakes crying a lot.He does it often throughout the day and he does it with me only. Usually he does it when he wants me to pick him up or just simply needs my attention. Sometimes it makes me laugh, he calls me and when I'm looking he'll start crying, often looking thru his fingers
Most friends tell me to ignore it but I know better. I always react because I understand that this is his way of telling me he needs me. I'm afraid though, that he will turn into whiny kid. He sees now that fake crying brings results, it may lead him to think, this is a great way to get my attention.

Did any of you have similar situation and how did you deal with it?
Not sure how old your son is, so this might be off-base. But with my 3.5-year-olds I'd probably acknowledge that they're making crying sounds and ask if they're really upset or they just want to get my attention. Assuming they said they just wanted my attention, I'd suggest more appropriate ways they could get my attention.

Betsy, mama to beautiful, strong MZ twins Lillian and Kate, born 11 weeks early on January 10, 2006.
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#254 of 367 Old 09-18-2009, 12:23 AM
 
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I haven't read the book, but I should. Some days it is just really hard to parent with respect when my 2 year old DS is screaming "no . . . " (diaper, clothes, food, whatever) at me and I just want to cry. My parents would have just spanked me. I admit that I've resorted to that once or twice, felt horrible about it, and it didn't do anything anyway.

Today I took time to pray, and then just explained to him the concept of respect. I forget exactley what I said, but his attitude changed and he put his shirt on. I was amazed. Of course, we had arguments later, but the seeds are there.

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#255 of 367 Old 09-18-2009, 12:35 AM
 
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OK, I have another dilemma, DS fakes crying a lot.He does it often throughout the day and he does it with me only. Usually he does it when he wants me to pick him up or just simply needs my attention. Sometimes it makes me laugh, he calls me and when I'm looking he'll start crying, often looking thru his fingers

I have noticed in the past how my family members will fake cry to get my son's sympathy. I haven't said anything, but if it happens I think I will. I want him to appreciate people's honest emotions. I would look around your son's life and see if anyone is doing that to him, try to figure out where he picked it up (of course, they also learn things on their own, but just a thought).

April. Homeschooling mama who is living for balance in life.

 

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#256 of 367 Old 09-18-2009, 08:46 AM
 
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2yos can be difficult. My 2yo seems to fight with me about almost everything. He tells me he has poop but then won't let me clean him up. He says he's hungry but then doesn't eat anything we have. (My 5yo does that one, too.) I ask him to come inside and he runs away. I'm too tired to chase him but what choice do I have if I have to go inside? I try not to get angry as he's laughing and running away from me but sometimes I do.

The last one I take as a sign that he doesn't get enough time to run around outside. He always wants to follow his big bro outside but doesn't understand that he's not old enough to play outside without an adult and I can't always go outside at that moment. Every day I vow to spend more time outside with him but every day things get in the way.

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#257 of 367 Old 09-19-2009, 02:49 AM
 
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I hv only one child, he's 2, so is pretty easy to go in his pace and I try to do it as much as possible but even than we disagree sometimes. I try to find ways to avoid unnecessary stress, for example lately DS likes to pretend he does gymnastics, so I tell him to stand as wide as he can, he does it happily and doesn't oppose to a diaper change. when we need to go to the store and I'm bored with waiting I tell him it's time to go buy bananas or watermelon(he loves both) and in a minute he's by the door. Sometimes it surprises me how much I can change his response by simply saying please, it really means a lot to kids that we ask them politely instead of ordering them around. Today DS surprised me, I had to skype my sister, during our conversation DS came to me demanding to play, I told him that auntie is sad today and needs to speak with me, can he play alone for a while please, and he did, he just walked out of the room. I was speechless for a moment because I expected tears and screams

MW, it must hard to be UP when you have 3 little ones, they all have different needs and they all want it NOW, it's time consuming. No wonder you can't be outside with your 2yo as much as he needs.

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#258 of 367 Old 09-19-2009, 09:30 AM
 
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it really means a lot to kids that we ask them politely instead of ordering them around.
I have found this to be so true. When my middle ds was about 3 we use to go to a playgroup. He would scream and fight if another child came over and started playing with whatever he was doing without asking. However, if that same child stopped and asked, or if an adult asked for the child, he had no problem whatsoever sharing. It was very cool to see.

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MW, it must hard to be UP when you have 3 little ones, they all have different needs and they all want it NOW, it's time consuming. No wonder you can't be outside with your 2yo as much as he needs.
I only have 2 LOs. My oldest is 18 years old, a legal adult. I'm still trying to figure out how that happened.

I had an issue with my 5yo last night. When he came home after playing with his friends he said he was hungry. I started to make him a plate of food. No problem. Then he said something about, if I didn't do something he wanted (can't remember what now), he wouldn't eat my "stinking" food. I got angry. It wasn't so much the words as it was the tone. He was being so nasty for absolutely no reason. This almost always happens after playing with his friends. I don't know if they talk that way toward each other or hear overhears them talk to their parents that way but he comes home so rude and demanding. Anyway, I told him he wouldn't get any dinner then and he could go to his room. Totally an un-UP thing to do. I just flashed red over that for some reason. I don't think he even made it to his room before we were talking it over and made up and he sat down to eat. Of course, then he got angry at me for making him miss his fave TV show because I told him he had to eat at the dinner table instead of taking his food upstairs.

As we were talking about what he said and how it made me feel, he said he didn't say I was stinking, just that the food was. So, I told him that since I had made the food that hurt my feelings. He said he didn't have any reason to say what he said. He didn't mean it. He just felt like saying it like that was how people normally talk to each other. When he does that I want to tell him he can't play with the neighbor kids anymore because I know that's where he gets that. But those are his friends, especially the boy next door. He genuinely likes them and I don't think it's right for me to tell him who he can be friends with.

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#259 of 367 Old 09-22-2009, 08:40 AM
 
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I've got another dilemma. I understand that with UP or using/expressing empathy rather than punishments/rewards the behavior we are addressing may not stop. That's not the point. I get that. However, what do you do when your child is just absolutely relentless about something you've already addressed several times, especially when there's nothing you can do about the situation?

For example, the other day my 5yo wanted to play with a friend. I called the friend's parents. The dad said the friend could play after he ate. Time kept going by and the friend wasn't coming over. My ds asked me to call again. It hadn't been that long, maybe 30 minutes since I'd called the first time. I explained to ds that since I had already called, they knew he wanted his friend to come over and they'd send him over or call as soon as he was ready. My ds would not stop begging, screaming, crying, etc. to get me to call them again. This went on all afternoon. He would stop for a while. Play some games on the pc for a few minutes and then go right back to harassing me about it. That's how I felt, harassed. I couldn't think of any other way to explain to him that it's rude to continually call someone when they already know what we want. DS just would not stop until I just couldn't take it anymore. What am I supposed to do in a situation like that? Anyone have any ideas?

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#260 of 367 Old 09-22-2009, 08:51 AM
 
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MarineWife, I'm not at all a UPer, but I imagine a good approach would have been to say:

"Isn't it frustrating that they're so late to get over here? Tell you what, shall I play a game with you instead for a while?"

In other words, distraction to stop your lad from driving you over the edge.

If the playmate was getting very late to come over -- you said this went on "all afternoon"?! -- I think that it would be very reasonable to phone the other parents and just check if the other boy was coming; tell them that you need to make alternative plans if not. Not very good form for them to keep you dangling like that.

~ Yank Transplant to Britain and Zookeeper of 4 DC age 15 and under. ~
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#261 of 367 Old 09-22-2009, 02:59 PM
 
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If the playmate was getting very late to come over -- you said this went on "all afternoon"?! -- I think that it would be very reasonable to phone the other parents and just check if the other boy was coming; tell them that you need to make alternative plans if not. Not very good form for them to keep you dangling like that.
Yes, that is true. After a long enough while, I can (and sometimes do) call back or just go over, but not every 15 minutes or so. The boy ended up not coming over at all. I can't remember why. My ds will not be distracted when he gets set on something like that.

I did make empathizing statements to him, too. He still continued to hound me about it.

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#262 of 367 Old 09-25-2009, 10:39 PM
 
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After waiting for a while, I would just leave the house, if at all possible of course. This is what I do if I feel like situation is getting out of control and DS is driving me crazy. We usually go somewhere where there are other kids, DS's mood changes for the better and so does mine.

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#263 of 367 Old 09-26-2009, 09:40 AM
 
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That's a great idea, joanna. So simple.

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#264 of 367 Old 09-28-2009, 10:42 AM
 
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I think this is a success. 5yo ds woke up after 2yo ds this morning. So, 2yo ds was already watching Dora. 5yo ds did not want to watch that and began to whine and cry and demand that we change the channel. I asked 2yo ds if we could change the channel but he said he wanted to continue watching Dora. I told 5yo ds that he could either go in another room to watch something different or wait until that show was over and then we could discuss it again. He started to have a fit. I explained his options again. I also explained that it's unfair to make everyone else stop what they are doing for him. Next thing I knew he had calmed down and asked his brother very calmly if he could change the channel. 2yo ds agreed and all was settled.

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#265 of 367 Old 09-29-2009, 12:02 AM
 
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Originally Posted by MarineWife View Post
Next thing I knew he had calmed down and asked his brother very calmly if he could change the channel. 2yo ds agreed and all was settled.
My mother and husband will both tell you that if they want me to agree to something, they have to present the idea to me and LEAVE IT ALONE! If they keep at it, I will solidly disagree. But if I have a chance to sit on it and think it over, I tend to agree (though I also tend to present the idea to them as my own lol). It sounds like your son is a bit like me.

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#266 of 367 Old 09-29-2009, 09:22 AM
 
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if I have a chance to sit on it and think it over, I tend to agree (though I also tend to present the idea to them as my own lol).

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#267 of 367 Old 10-08-2009, 11:37 AM
 
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how's everyone doing? Life is crazy crazy at the mo...in the wake of my separation, have moved house twice in past two weeks and moving again soon (just staying at various friends until I move into permanent place hopefully v soon!) and both houses have had kids - DS (24 mo) was fine with the 26 month old at previous house, but he is not liking sharing toys and space and love with the 14 month old where we are now. Funny isn't it? He's being quite aggressive to him and crying and whining for me a lot, wanting endless cuddles and nursing.

I'm doing as much as I can for him and trying to empathise, etc, but I'm SO busy b/c I'm having to work from home as well as out of the home now to make v tight ends meet, and this involves a lot of prep like making lunch ahead of time, etc, which he interrupts constantly. It's making me feel very stressed! I know he's going through a lot of change and disruption and doesn't understand what' s happening - and he's TWO - but I could do with some tips on how to help him and me through this rough time, esp with the aggressive behaviour with younger kids (the 14 month old plus a 10 month old at another group I run), without shaming him and being conditional. I want to give him the message that I'm interested in how he's feeling and know its hard to share toys all the time, etc, but at the same time I feel bad about the other kids and feel I need to be clear that hurting them is not appropriate (it's just pushing away and shoving, nothing more than that at this point).

I had to give myself a 'time out' y.day bc I was losing the plot with his screaming. I left the room, took deep breaths in the bathroom until I felt ok, came back and he had also calmed down. I dont want him to think I'm punishing or withdrawing when I do that, but sometimes I just need to when I start shouting or feeling like I'm going to shout! He's also having much less time with me than usual b/c of the various childcare arrangements - all of which he's happy with when he's there, but the repercussions come on me later.
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#268 of 367 Old 10-08-2009, 11:59 AM
 
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The only things I know to do with a child when they are being aggressive or hurtful about playing and sharing with others is to remove them from the group, not in an angry or punitive way but I think that's absolutely vital for the respect and protection of the other children. You could try letting your ds pick out a few special toys of his own that he can keep to himself. He doesn't have to share them with anyone unless he chooses to. He also will have to realize and understand that others don't have to share with him. I do that with my children, sort of. I don't make them choose only a few. All of their toys are theirs and they choose whether or not to share at any given time. Most of the time with a little discussion and a request they will share anything. If there is something they absolutely will not share, then I work with the other child(ren) to try to find something else they can do/play with.

WRT the interruptions while you are doing necessary things, can you put him in a sling? I know 2yos are big and heavy but on your back he probably wouldn't be too heavy or in the way. That would give him the closeness and connection to you while keeping your hands free to get things done. A wrap or mei tai or something like an Ergo would work best for that, I think.

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#269 of 367 Old 10-09-2009, 05:36 PM
 
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Thanks, I like the idea of giving him the choice about whether to share. Its complicated by the fact we are often in other people's space where toys are all mixed up and we can hardly have a situation where he doesn't share his toys when he's using the other kid's toys, you know? I think I've been feeling pressurised to kind of force him to share (although I'm always validating and being gentle, I have been sort of going 'We need to share' and facilitating them taking turns). What's hard is when other kids just come and destroy whatever he's been doing, building meticulously (he's a very meticulous child!) and then he gets understandably pissed off and throws everything all over the floor (also dangerous - hard objects like blocks - which I do point out). This often happens repeatedly and I think is partly why he's becoming more possessive of toys and telling others to go away.

I do offer to put him in the Ergo on my back, often, we are big baby wearers here - but he often refuses or just wants to nurse in the Ergo which he's too big for now but I still sometimes do if its absolutely necessary (and not while doing tasks - he's too heavy in the front). I guess it will pass, I just wish I could remove some of the pressure in our lives right now and have more time for just us. Im getting an inkling of what it may be like to have more than one kid, with competing needs. Such a different story.
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#270 of 367 Old 10-09-2009, 06:19 PM
 
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Quote:
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Its complicated by the fact we are often in other people's space where toys are all mixed up and we can hardly have a situation where he doesn't share his toys when he's using the other kid's toys, you know?
I kind of disagree with this. I don't think he has to share just because he's using others' toys. I know it's complicated, especially if the other parents are forcing their children to share. I don't really know how to address that except to say that your child is your responsibility and you can't control what other parents do.

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