He broke his cousin's jaw - Page 3 - Mothering Forums

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#61 of 81 Old 09-01-2009, 12:32 PM
 
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Originally Posted by HarperRose View Post
But he wasn't practicing or sparring w/ his 4 yr old cousin. You never spar w/ someone so much littler than you and without proper training. He tripped or cartwheeled. He wasn't showing off or sparring..

Neither I nor anyone else on this thread has ever suggested that he was practicing or sparring with his cousin. My point was that because of his advanced skill level in a martial art he needs to be made aware of his own strength and his capacity to seriously injure a small child. Even if the kick was accidental it has the potential to be seriously damaging due to his skill level.

Regardless, it is obvious that he should not be left unsupervised with other children for the forseeable future.
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#62 of 81 Old 09-01-2009, 01:53 PM
 
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I have to say that I agree with moondiapers and lilyka and sleet76---although nobody wants to put their child on medications, if he is THAT out of control, where he is hurting other children, something needs to be done about that. If he does not respond to your corrections, then you need to move to the next step which is more aggressive attention and treatment of this out-of-control behavior. Stimulant medications in REAL ADHD situations CHANGES A CHILD'S LIFE. It appears that just having him blow off his energy at gymnastics isn't enough, and if OT is not available and you can't pay for it out of your own pocket, then something else needs to be done. This is not about breaking a lamp or vase or something that is material in your house, and this is not even a "minor" injury---he broke a 4 year old child's jaw. That is a major injury. And, you say that you feel that you should have been able to control his actions by now---well, since he is 11 years old and you haven't been able to do that to this point, continuing with the same "treatment" to attempt to get different results is the definition of insanity. Now, you must do something else. Plus, he obviously lied to you about how it happened, so he obviously knows he wasn't supposed to be doing what he was doing---and he was duly warned about his behavior. Lying about how it happened means that he really doesn't much care that because of HIS ACTIONS, he seriously injured another child. And, thank God this wasn't worse than a broken jaw, because it could have been a major head injury, which YOU would have had to live with forever, because as you describe him, he is not very caring or feeling or remorseful about things. By your descriptions of him, I would tend to lean more toward an ADHD diagnosis than an autism or Asperger's diagnosis. ADHD kids don't have empathy either and they just move on to the next thing they're doing rather than thinking about what they just did. Instead of him acknowledging what he did and that his out-of-control behavior caused a serious injury in his cousin, he'd rather lie about how it happened and not accept responsibility for it instead of being deeply sorry and remorseful about it.

In addition to seeking out help for this obvious behavioral problem, instead of him making smoothies and getting the other child a "treat", perhaps he should be made to "sit out" the same amount of time that the child who got hurt has to be home and eat liquid foods and stay in the house, etc., for the consequence to correlate with the outcome of his own behavior. Perhaps this penalty will teach him to be more mindful and careful of his behavior and actions, and exactly how serious and severe the result of his crazy behavior caused. I don't think, even if he did not have a behavioral problem, that an 11-year old can really appreciate the result of something if it didn't happen to them, especially soomething as bad as this. Having to "suffer" (and I hate using that word) along with that other child, for the same period of time, may be a more effective lesson than anything else. Of course, he won't experience the pain that this child is feeling---but, maybe he should be required to be around him to "experience" his pain, to try to demonstrate that his behavior was a DIRECT CAUSE of the pain. Instead of allowing him "quiet games", have him spend that time with his nephew (if his parents will let him) and doing "quiet" things with his nephew.

Instead of feeling like locking him in his room and letting out when he's 25 and can act properly, seriously consider ADHD meds. A lot of parents are totally against this, but when your child has demonstrated that he is a physical harm to others just by playing with them, you have to do something----or else, it will get to the point where nobody wants to play with him!! As it is, I am sure your nephew will now be frightened of him, if not the rest of the kids who were there, and may be frightened of physical play altogether and it could be a life-long thing. And, one thing that you said that struck me is that if he kicked your 2-year old in the head, it would have been much worse. Well---I am sure that for the 4-year old's parents, having to deal with such a young child with a wired jaw for several weeks is going to be bad enough for them: Having a wired jaw is tough as an adult, imagine how it is going to be for a 4-year old and his parents? I just hope that having a jaw fractured and wired shut at 4 years old doesn't cause a problem with the bone development of the child's jaw and teeth.

What I DON'T think should happen is for him to go on as if nothing happened. Just by you explaining things to him are going to mean nothing. Him making a card means nothing. Making smoothies means nothing. Letting him carry on with his own life and activities, I think, is an insult to your nephew and his parents. Obviously, since he doesn't want to spend any of his own money on a get-well present for your nephew, there isn't much remorse there and he does not appreciate the seriousness of the injury---and just by you "explaining" it to him goes in one ear and out the other. SERIOUSLY---consider the ADHD meds to treat the problem of his behavior, but also consider his consequences in this scenario, and perhaps consider how you'd feel if another kid broke your child's jaw at 4 years old because of behavioral problems that the parents were not serious enough in addressing and treating. And then, take that information and think about how your nephew's parents are feeling right about now.

The meds may change his life, and change yours as well.
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#63 of 81 Old 09-01-2009, 02:41 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Okay here. I'm taking all this in before I respond more fully, and believe me I do appreciate all the comments, even those I disagree with. The more food for thought from all sides, the more likely I am to come to the right conclusion.

But I just wanted to take a 'time out' right now to make one thing clear, because it keeps coming up in the comments. I mentioned it before but it seems a lot of folks don't fully read all the posts.

My nephew did not end up needing surgery. He does not have his jaw wired shut. It was a minor hairline fracture and due to his age the doctors felt it was best to let it heal on its own. He's on a liquid diet for 3 weeks and obviously can't run around and is in pain, but there was no surgery, no wired jaw, no metal plates, etc.

This does not change my son's role in all this, of course. But I needed to make that clear.

And we have come around to believing that my son tripped, it was not a cartwheel. The 'suspicious' parts of his story that made me suspect he was lying have since been corroborated by facts. In all likelihood, he exaggerated his fall -- something he often does -- which was still a dangerous action with young children nearby. But not nearly the same as a deliberate cartwheel.

It was an accident of carelessness and thoughtlessness, but not to THAT degree of negligence. And while he is still trying to dodge certain aspects of the responsibility, he did not in fact lie about the basic facts.

His life is currently NOT going on "as usual". We are still weighing the options as to exactly how far things will go and in what direction. But he is certainly not getting off scot-free and hopefully there won't be any more comments implying that I'm just giving him a stern look and a pat on the head then sending him on his way.

We are taking this very seriously. And we have always taken his behaviours very seriously. He is not out of control all the time. As we have made certain changes, his out of control periods have diminished like 95%. The remaining 5% is certainly exasperating but we had no reason to suspect he was actually DANGEROUS. Hindsight is 20/20 of course, but many posters seem to be inferring that he was a screaming flailing maniac all the time, which just is not the case.

We do not currently have a pediatrician or even a family doctor. We just moved here a year ago and there are waiting lists miles long. I did get a referal from a local autism organization for a local specialist in autistic and attention disorders. We have not yet contacted him, because shortly after I got the information, we saw a huge and drastic change for the better in my son, so we saw no need.

We are certainly going to re-consider this and evaluate going to this doctor again. I do know that meds are the best course of action in certain situations. I posted a link to my blog post where I contemplated this very fact. If you didn't read it, then please don't lecture me on the value of meds. My husband (DS's stepfather) has chronic depression and anxiety and has been on meds and is currently managing without meds. We know the ups and the downs of both medicating and not medicating for 'brain wiring' conditions. He would not be alive today if he had not gone on meds when he needed them.

That is all for now. I probably sound a bit frustrated, but I recognize that it's primarily due to the limitations of this type of forum discussion... nobody else has the complete picture. I do still appreciate all the comments, even those I completely disagree with.

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#64 of 81 Old 09-02-2009, 01:46 AM
 
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My oldest ds is 9 and sounds alot like your ds. I have found that the most effective way to help him when he gets so rambunctious that things are getting dangerous is to physically get his attention by tapping his shoulder or something similar and tell him exactly what I see that is causing me concern.
General statements like "calm down" "settle down" and such have very little effect on my ds. He just doesn't see all the tiny things that I see and take for granted so I go through them with him. So it will go something like "Stop...(wait for full attention) look around, your brothers are chasing you, there are toys on the floor, these chairs are in the walkway, it is so loud I can't tell if anyone is upset or hurt...ect" Usually by this time we've been talking enough for him to calm down a little more. Then I tell him what I'm worried might happen, "your brother could fall on the toys or trip on the chairs ect..." Then either him or I make suggestions on a safer way or place to play. After all that I make sure things don't go from 0 to 60 in 2.5 again and usually things calm down.
Since I have been doing this he has been more able to notice this stuff. I have seen him pick stuff up out of the way before he lets his brother chase him or stop and warn his brother or sister about something he would not have noticed 6 months ago.
This has been a big focus in my house because I have a combo of 2 very active and careless older dc (my 7 year old dd as well as ds1) and a 4 year old with huge balance problems. He is more likely to get knocked over or trip while running.
Anyway, that's what has been helping here, HTH.
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#65 of 81 Old 09-02-2009, 08:04 AM
 
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OP, have you thought about posing your questions over in the Special Needs forum? You might get a helpful perspective there, and maybe some BTDT responses.
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#66 of 81 Old 09-02-2009, 09:57 AM
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Originally Posted by tankgirl73 View Post
I'm going to respectfully disagree with this one. I believe that it's TRUE that most 11yo's don't want to play with 4yo's, but I don't think that it's necessarily NORMAL. I think it's largely a product of our age-segregated school system.
Same here.

My kids will play with anyone, of any age. My 14yo's BFF is three years older than him. My 17yo will happily play video games with the 12yo next door. When we go to the beach or park with our friends, they play with my friends' younger children/grandchildren.

And their younger cousins have always been a joy to them.
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#67 of 81 Old 09-03-2009, 02:45 PM
 
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Okay here. I'm taking all this in before I respond more fully, and believe me I do appreciate all the comments, even those I disagree with. The more food for thought from all sides, the more likely I am to come to the right conclusion.
You're on the right track. You certainly don't need to be lectured at.
Here's a virtual hug. Hang in there mama.

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#68 of 81 Old 09-03-2009, 05:27 PM
 
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One of the things I've learned relatively recently about emotional development in kids with sensory issues and ADHD (and other disorders where executive functioning might be compromised) is that these kids rely on adults for co-regulation long past the time when the typical child is able to do this on their own.

What this means in this particular situation, I think, is that perhaps you need to develop some alternative strategies for helping him calm down. It's very clear from the situation you've described that he was not capable of bringing it down a notch when you asked him to. I think you need to reframe this in your mind from "he's being careless" to "he can't do this alone" to better be able to deal with the siutation.

I would also impose a limit on the number of times I would verbally tell him to calm down before intervening. One warning, and then the break to do whatever he needs to calm himself and regain focus (with your help, if necessary). Maybe 2 warnings and then a break?

I think it's important not to present this as punishment, but as rather "This situation is really winding you up -- let's go do our yoga or jump on the trampoline for 10 minutes to wind down a bit."

Also, since it sounds like your son is a very kinesthetic learner, I'm thinking that the most effective tool for teaching him might be to physically involve him in things to help his cousin. Make smoothies. Make a lap desk for him to do quiet activities on. Help build legos. Read him books on tape to entertain him. Maybe he can do one thing a day for the next week or two. I think they learn more by doing than by spending, at almost any age.

Finally, 2 book recomendations:
Sensational Kids - it's got some nice action plans for how to help sensory kids, and it acknowledges that most insurance won't cover OT.

The Challenging Child - I love this book because it talks about connection first, and then how to deal with behavior.

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I also agree that his avoidance can be a coping mechanism. My dd1 is the queen of avoidance. She will avoid avoid avoid unless I call her on it directly. She does own up to issues with her sister, but will deny being feverish, for example, in hopes that it will just go away if she doesn't talk about it. She can avoid/deny about other things, too, so that's why I would have the big talk about empathisizing with the injured party.
Our ds too - he has sensory issues, and some anxiety, and he really doesn't like acknowledging that he's wrong. It's a BAD combo for demonstrating empathy. He's a kid where we've had to do deliberate scripting for basic manners. I've had to specifically say "If you don't say you're sorry and try to make amends, people will think that you WANTED to hurt them." "I know it was an accident, but you still need to help make amends. It shows people that you care about them."

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I'm reluctantly, but firmly in the make 'em say sorry camp (mainly because my dd1 would not pick it up on her own if I didn't enforce it—dd2, sure, but dd1 needs prompting) and that's the angle I would approach this from. You did something really bad even though you didn't mean to and we've got to take responibility for it. When you do something wrong there's three things we need to do:
1) Let the other person/people involved know we're really, really sorry.
2) Make amends (fix the broken window, buy a new toy, get a cold pack for a bruise, smoothies for a broken jaw).
3) Make sure it doesn't happen in the future by having a specific plan in place.
hth
This is great advice. We do the first 2 things, but I like the addition of the 3rd. Ds has great strengths in 'future plans' kind of thinking, and weak skills in 'making amends' so maybe it'll help him feel better.

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Right... But the pre-teens aren't usually breaking the jaws of the little ones. If anything, they are acting in a supervisory capacity. At 11, I was already babysitting.
Whoa there... I was babysitting at 11 too, but I know a lot of nice, friendly 11 year olds who I wouldn't trust to walk a dog, let alone babysit. They're not bad kids, just not ready for responsibility. The range of typical behavior for 11 year olds can be pretty big. It's what gives 6th grade teachers grey hair. The difference between a slightly immature 11 year old boy and a mature 11 year old girl is HUGE. HUGE.

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#69 of 81 Old 09-03-2009, 05:35 PM
 
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Our ds too - he has sensory issues, and some anxiety, and he really doesn't like acknowledging that he's wrong. It's a BAD combo for demonstrating empathy. He's a kid where we've had to do deliberate scripting for basic manners. I've had to specifically say "If you don't say you're sorry and try to make amends, people will think that you WANTED to hurt them." "I know it was an accident, but you still need to help make amends. It shows people that you care about them."

I wonder about the effectiveness of this technique. It is what has been used on my husband's 12 year old son who also lacks empathy. He has learned and been trained by his mom and counselors how to behave in a way that makes people think he gives a damn, but he really doesn't. In his counselors words, he hasn't really improved over the past couple years, he's just gotten sneakier about it. He is essentially being taught how to behave, and how to manipulate a social situation to get the results he wants, but has no internal empathy or compassion. It's all just socially acceptable actions, but nothing real under the surface. I am in no way implying this is the case for tankgirl's son, so please don't interpret it that way. I have simply been seeing my husband's son throughout this thread, and reading advice given to consider how those things might help him.

I just don't think the outward appearances are really all that important. As I stated earlier, if there isn't empathy or compassion, what is there? And I certainly have no idea how to teach empathy to someone who doesn't have it naturally. No amount of behavior modification has changed the internal motivations or emotions of my husband's son.

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#70 of 81 Old 09-03-2009, 10:07 PM
 
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I wonder about the effectiveness of this technique. It is what has been used on my husband's 12 year old son who also lacks empathy. He has learned and been trained by his mom and counselors how to behave in a way that makes people think he gives a damn, but he really doesn't.
Well, our ds HAS empathy, but sucks at displaying it. And it sounds like the OP's son WAS feeling bad.

I think you need to distinguish kids who have real issues with empathy/taking another person's perspective and kids who can do it, but prefer to deal with emotionally charged situations with avoidance. The former need a lot more more than scripting. The latter need to be taught that expressing sympathy and remorse can help.

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#71 of 81 Old 09-03-2009, 10:18 PM
 
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Well, our ds HAS empathy, but sucks at displaying it.
You misunderstand and have it backwards. My husband's son does not experience empathy, but has learned how to pretend he does. Most times he doesn't bother pretending, either.

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#72 of 81 Old 09-04-2009, 12:24 AM
 
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You misunderstand and have it backwards. My husband's son does not experience empathy, but has learned how to pretend he does. Most times he doesn't bother pretending, either.

Wow, from that post I feel like you're frustrated with him. I was a rough kid for my mom around that age.. actually up until I was around 20! EEK.
Sometimes children around his age are too focused on "I want this", my way or nothing, etc. You aren't really inside him.. I sure he's felt empathy sometime in his life.. unless he is a sociopath. If that's the case, hopefully he can get better with treatment. Sometimes it just takes maturity. Just don't give up on him.. that's the WORST thing to do for him.
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#73 of 81 Old 09-04-2009, 12:27 AM
 
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Wow, from that post I feel like you're frustrated with him. I was a rough kid for my mom around that age.. actually up until I was around 20! EEK.
Sometimes children around his age are too focused on "I want this", my way or nothing, etc. You aren't really inside him.. I sure he's felt empathy sometime in his life.. unless he is a sociopath. If that's the case, hopefully he can get better with treatment. Sometimes it just takes maturity. Just don't give up on him.. that's the WORST thing to do for him.
Yes, it is frustrating when his lack of empathy endangers my daughters' safety on a regular basis. He has been in counseling for this problem for nearly four years now. Even the counselor has not seen any improvement. I do wonder about him being sociopathic, I just never said/typed that out loud before. I do hope he'll get better. Only time will tell. Sorry OP for hijacking your thread, so I'm not gonna mention him again here.

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#74 of 81 Old 09-04-2009, 12:35 AM
 
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Maybe he'll qualify for help now that something big has happened? Might be worth looking into.

I'd also supervise him very closely from now on. It's ovious that his size is an issue now when playing with his cousins.
That is my first thought too. It really does sound like this goes beyond a discipline issue. I would try and get a behavioral psychologist who can help you and him learn to manage impulses better and consider medication either with, or after the behavioral psych's recommendatons. I know stuff is overprescribed, but there is a genuine need for it for kids who's brains are wired differently.

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#75 of 81 Old 09-04-2009, 12:38 AM
 
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I only read the first page, so it could be this was already suggested... Could you ask his gymnastics coach to speak with him (in light of the positive results he's seen) about how gymnastics-type activities are likely best kept to the gym? He may also be able to suggest some (safer) activities for your son to engage in when he gets over-excited and needs to get the energy out.

Accidents happen. I wouldn't beat yourselves or him up over it, but hopefully y'all can find a way to channel the energy so you don't have to worry about someone else getting hurt.

Good luck.
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#76 of 81 Old 09-04-2009, 01:20 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Time for another update, I guess.

The question of trip vs cartwheel has been resolved. He did trip, but he got overly dramatic and silly and exaggerated the fall. This is something he does regularly, makes a big crazy show about a little stumble, he thinks he's entertaining us and that it's funny. We don't think it's funny. He does it anyway, because HE thinks it's funny.

What he did this time, was catch himself with his hands, use them as a plant, and kicked his feet behind him. To an observer, it would look like the start of a cartwheel. But it was really even more powerful than getting kicked by a cartwheel, because it really was a kick.

So really, now that I've thought about it, it's even worse than deliberately doing a cartwheel knowing a young child was too nearby.

And unfortunately, it has nothing to do with keeping "gymnastics-type activities" at the gym, or not doing martial arts, because it was neither of those. It was pure goofiness. Done at a completely inappropriate and dangerous time.

So it's still a complete lack of impulse control, lack of recognition of danger, etc etc, which would be expected of a normal 11-year-old when playing near smaller children. So, yes, "accidents happen", and if it was just a weird, freak accident, we wouldn't be having this thread. It was an accident that shouldn't have happened. It's like saying someone had a car accident when driving 100mph down a city street. It was "just an accident" but they shouldn't have been driving 100mph in the first place!

In hindsight, we have all agreed that the kids' running around should have been stopped earlier. We were naive. I think we all had a bit of that "it can't happen to us" foggy vision. The kids have gone crazy many, many times before and there was never anything more than minor bumps and bruises common in childhood. And we believe in the "free range childhood" ideas. Kids running around, laughing, giggling, having a great time together... sounds great, right? There's no doubt that we SHOULD HAVE known better, as intelligent adults... in hindsight. At the moment, we really thought that a BAD accident like this was out of the question.

He and I have had some very good, productive talks since then. And some good outcomes and results. And some really, really bad days, with lots of yelling and frustrations and him seeming to understand one minute and be completely 'reverted' the next minute.

He has made a craft as a gift, and a nice card, and we will hopefully go visit tomorrow and have him entertain his cousin -- who, by the way, bears him no ill will, and actually said that he was sorry he'd hurt my son's foot. Now there's some empathy my son could learn from. *sigh*

In the meantime, I've made the initial contact with the child psychologist I was previously referred to by a local autism connections organization. I don't know how long it might be before we can get an evaluation, but the process is started at least.

He absolutely is not allowed unsupervised with other kids, and he's had a whole bunch of fun activities he was looking forward to, suspended. Including a friend coming over for a sleepover before he goes back to school next week... not going to happen.

I have seen that he does feel very, very bad about this. But he does try to hide it, even from himself, and I think he forgets very quickly. He is still too easy distracted back into silly fun craziness, without 'sober second thought' about past consequences. So even though I know he has the best of intentions, he simply does not have the control. This is one of the signs of ADHD, of course.

I had been hopeful that he would 'grow out' of the worst of it, especially with better management at home. Much of ADHD 'treatment' is all about management, anyway. And he HAS gotten better. As he's gotten older, the explosive tantrums have all but disappeared, and he CAN focus on something he enjoys, and the difference in his gymnastics training is really starting to happen.

But obviously, it hasn't been ENOUGH change just from what I'm able to provide for him. The time has come where I need more help, in order to help him. Me constantly screaming at him and bursting into tears over the hopelessness of it all, is helping none of us.

And no worries about thread hijacking. It was still on-topic about dealing with exceptional kids and I found it interesting.

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#77 of 81 Old 09-04-2009, 01:37 AM
 
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Puritylake.. I understand. I hope it gets better. That's a tough situation.

Tankgirl.. Reading your update seriously made me tear up. From what little I've read.. I can tell your son means no harm.He honestly has no impulse control. It seems from what little info I see is that he is typical adhd.. which in itself is NOT a horrible thing. We are all wired differently. My brother had a really hard time with it until his late teens. Now he's such a good guy, and so focused. I'm sure your little man will be JUST fine. And please, don't be afraid to try medicines .. I know it's better to go natural, but sometimes medicine can REALLY make a dramatic difference. I'm horribly bipolar with anxiety issues, and medicine has really saved my life. Anyways, sorry for going on and on! You are a wonderful momma, and he will be just fine!
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#78 of 81 Old 09-04-2009, 04:34 AM
 
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It is interesting how ADHD, asperger's and autism have all been mentioned here. My husband's son was originally diagnosed with PTSD but that made absolutely no sense to anyone (he was only 8 years old hen he got that diagnosis). A different counselor diagnosed him with ADHD and put him on medication. It didn't help. The medication was changed, and changed again. He has most recently been diagnosed with temporary bipolar which then changed to a diagnosis of emotional bipolar. He is still on quite the slew of medications. He takes four different pills, some one at a time, twice a day, some two pills twice a day. It's quite confusing and stressful making sure he even remembers to take them and puts them away in his locked room to ensure my daughters don't get ahold of them. I really have no idea what drugs he's on now, just the color, size and shape of the pills. My husband is more of the mindset that the problem is not medical at all and he doesn't think these years of counseling have done anything to help his son. He thinks the counseling is enabling his behavior by saying there is something inherently wrong with him instead of accepting he's just a normal kid with lack of discipline issues at his mother's house. Everyone seems to have a different take on it.

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#79 of 81 Old 09-04-2009, 05:14 PM
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The BIG red flag here is his lack of any remorse and his quickness to shun responsibility. Accident or not, he's responsible. We don't let drunk drivers who crash and hurt people off the hook, do we? Even when they feel some remorse?

Your son shouldn't be off the hook. There needs to be some sort of consequence for him, whether it's him being allowed to do no more than his cousin can while the child is healing (whatever diet the child is on, you son goes on to, for instance, so he can see what the child has to do as a result of him not being careful), or being in charge of entertaining the child. He seems to lack empathy, and that is VERY concerning.

Medical and psychiatric interventions are often turned to right away as the quick fixes, which gives them a bad reputation for the times when they are truly needed. But I'm going to strongly suggest that he have an evaluation. If he does indeed have something like Aspergers of falls somewhere else along the autism spectrum (some people with these conditions function at a genius level, but just have that little something that's not working right, such as the inability to notice social cues or have remorse/guilt/empathy), then this will help you in learning the best way to discipline him when he misbehaves in the future (which he will - he's still a kid), as well as help you get the support you need for raising your child, perhaps a support group of other parents in your area dealing with the same issues who can share what's worked and hasn't worked for them.

Now that you know he can be a danger to others, you also have the responsibility of preventing him from causing harm to others. There is no free pass when someone's misbehavior, whether a child's or adult's, hurts other people.
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#80 of 81 Old 09-04-2009, 05:25 PM
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Ah, now I see the update just a few replies above mine. When the thread hijacking started, off to Reply I went.

It sounds like good steps are being taken, from not just shrugging it off as an accident to seeking an evaluation. Yes, kids do stupid things, but learning some impulse control by this age should be happening already. Kindergarteners can learn to not hit with someone takes a toy away and to be careful. This little boy doesn't sound like he has.

I have a couple friends who have three children with various degrees of Aspergers/autism. With the right help, their children are pleasant little people. One of my friends is even married to a man with Aspergers, so people with these conditions can grow up to be just like anyone else. I never would have guessed her brilliant hubby has Aspergers. Learning appropriate management on his own part has helped tremendously. It was hard for them learning their son has it too, but it's not the end of the world, I promise. And the other friend has two children with it.

Please do your best to emphasize to him that, even though he does bad THINGS, that he is not a bad PERSON. He'd be a bad person by doing something intentionally with the intent too hurt another person, but that's not the case. He lacks control. He still needs to take responsibility, but he's not a bad person. I hope this is being separated for him. Bad actions sometimes don't mean bad person.
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#81 of 81 Old 09-05-2009, 05:18 PM
 
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Tankgirl--I had to come back and read what has happened since I last posted. And I also read your updated posts, too.

In thinking about this situation again, I think that instead of treating this in a punitive way, it should be the defining moment for you and your son and the fact that he needs more than what he is currently getting for his impulse control and hyperactivity. You expressed your frustration as well, and it seems that this has been going on for a long time.

I can see that you are a bit hesitant with the ADHD medications. The one thing I can say is that medications are not permanent---if he tries them out and in a couple of months they are not helping, you can stop them. HOWEVER---they may very well work! I truly believe it is worth a try---if they do work, it will be the first step to having him learn better, act better, have more impulse control, and to THINK about what he is doing before he does it.

I realize that I was a bit harsh at first, and still do believe that a broken jaw is not a laughing matter. But I think I'd look at this as the catalyst to seek actual TREATMENT for ADHD, and not hem and haw about finding him a doctor or think that OT will completely solve the problem---if a child has ADHD, to simply comply with the OT program, it is much better to have them in a mindset to do it (which ADHD meds do) rather than trying to have them work with an uncooperative child and "force" it on him when he doesn't want to participate.

Trying to have him feel a certain way or acknowledge certain things is fruitless unless he is in a mindset to understand it---and with an ADHD child, without medication they are unable to understand a lot of things. Teaching a receptive child is a lot easier than trying to teach a child whose mind is unable to be penetrated.

I hope things are better with you and with him. I hope that everything works out.
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