Help! Severe Aggressive/Defiant Behavior! - Page 11 - Mothering Forums

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#301 of 494 Old 07-09-2010, 12:35 AM
 
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Yeah I live in AZ. But the good news is that everyone expects it to be hot so every residence has air conditioning and pretty much every apartment complex has a pool

As for the school, could there be a middle ground? Simply letting the school know that "my son has been diagnosed with SPD" and not providing details? You alert them to the potential need for an IEP but don't really give any info that would set hairs on edge prior to school starting. Anyways, it sounds like he got an awesome teacher which will make all the difference in the world.

M : proud mama to B (16) : and G (8) and : x 2 :
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#302 of 494 Old 07-09-2010, 12:51 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Hi wytchy:

You are lucky! The pools here are either inside, or outside and packed with about a million people. It would be really fun to live somewhere with a pool right now, but since Portland has rain 80% of the time, pools aren't very common here!

As for the school situation, I believe I did already note something on the form I gave the school when I requested the specific teacher. I probably will also mention to her that he has faced some trauma. Honestly, he is excited about school, so I am hoping for the best. The teacher seemed awesome, so that will be good. When my son can tell someone really cares about him, he often does better, though of course that seems to be negated when it comes to me!

Have a great weekend!
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#303 of 494 Old 08-12-2010, 08:59 AM
 
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Again, hoping no news is good news. Was thinking about you on my way into work this morning and wondering how you guys have been doing. Hope all is well.
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#304 of 494 Old 08-12-2010, 10:32 AM
 
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I just wanted to let you know. I have followed your posts from the beginning and you have been in my prayers often.

I had a thought today. You should print out this whole post from start to finish so someday when your son is older and working on putting his life/childhood into perspective he can see how it looked from your perpective while you were in the trenches of mommyhood.

You're a stong mommy. I bet someday you'll re-read these posts yourself and see how strong you are.

Married to one of the last good guys left Jim
Mom to AJ 4/07 and Genevieve 5/09

And then: I'm really, really tired of making angels.

But wait, could it really be true?


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#305 of 494 Old 08-13-2010, 02:47 AM
 
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First of all, I want to send you a huge warm hug
I feel so sad for what you and your son have gone through, however I also feel very proud of you, I think you are amazing mom!
I have mix emotions of feeling sad about you and feel inspired by you, really.
I also think your son is an amazing kid because I can't imagine myself going through what he have gone through and still sane.
I haven't read all the post, I wish I could but my eyes are not helping me (is almost 2am)I'm sorry if I don't make to much sense right now.
I just couldn't stop reading, is like a movie...please don't take me wrong, I say in a very respectful way, I mean that it just amaze me how strong you are and how much love you have for your kid, it also warm my heart see how much people have answer you, this is so inspiring.
I need to go sleep now but I wanted to send you and your soon my best wishes, I will write you tomorrow.
PS: It is just one thing that have bother me since I read your original post and I just need to ask.
I am disgusted about the trauma that your little one suffer in the daycare, I had to read it twice because I thought I may read it wrong. I just can't believe somebody could do such a thing (well, unfortunately I can but still upset me). Did you ever suit the person that did this to your kid? I know money will not resolve your problems, and I understand that maybe he will be the same if this haven't happen, but, I also think that this could have being a big factor and the person or people have to be responsible for the damage.
same for the director of the school.
Maybe if you suit them and can get them to pay for your soon childcare you will not need to depend in your parents so at least that will be one less of your problems.

Take care.


SAHM, married to my geeky husband and mom of 12 year old girl and 2year old
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#306 of 494 Old 08-13-2010, 04:32 PM
 
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Hi,
So today I start reading more about your post, and I just now realize that this post is 4 years old, so all my points I was thinking last night probably are not useful anymore
Your last post was in 2006 so I am sure many things have change since then, I hope things go better, and you and your son are doing great now.
Is he now 8, right?
How things are going?
Send you good vibes.

SAHM, married to my geeky husband and mom of 12 year old girl and 2year old
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#307 of 494 Old 08-13-2010, 10:40 PM
 
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Hi, the first post is from 2009. your post isn`t irrelevant

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#308 of 494 Old 08-14-2010, 01:12 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Xerxella View Post
I had a thought today. You should print out this whole post from start to finish so someday when your son is older and working on putting his life/childhood into perspective he can see how it looked from your perpective while you were in the trenches of mommyhood.


I hope you were kidding. How exactly is letting her son know (when he is older) that he put his mother through hell and back going to help him? He is going to have enough emotional issues as it is. NOBODY needs a guilt trip like that especially someone who has struggled with emotional issues for a good portion of his life.

I would suggest that when this is behind her, it is behind her. Have it deleted if you can. They are going to be too busy living in the present to dwell on the past. Who in the world would print out their struggles to relive at a later date or show their own son how difficult he was?

If I read an account of how difficult I made my mothers life when I was little, I'd want to crawl in a hole and die.

"All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing." -Edmund Burke (1729-1797)
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#309 of 494 Old 08-14-2010, 01:39 AM
 
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I'm sorry I can't read the whole thread, but your op SCREAMS *A*L*L*E*R*G**I*E*S*!!!! Chemical, food, environmental...please please please check out the book Is This Your Child by Doris Rapp. Even if you've had him tested before...she does a different kind of testing and the results are dramatic. Especially what you describe re his infancy and breastfeeding. It reminded me so much of my daughter, until we found out what was wrong (dairy, egg, soy, and chocolate allergies).

Also, I would recommend looking into Gut and Psychology Syndrome

I'll be praying for you guys.
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#310 of 494 Old 08-14-2010, 11:49 AM
 
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Originally Posted by newmum35 View Post


I hope you were kidding. How exactly is letting her son know (when he is older) that he put his mother through hell and back going to help him? He is going to have enough emotional issues as it is. NOBODY needs a guilt trip like that especially someone who has struggled with emotional issues for a good portion of his life.

I would suggest that when this is behind her, it is behind her. Have it deleted if you can. They are going to be too busy living in the present to dwell on the past. Who in the world would print out their struggles to relive at a later date or show their own son how difficult he was?

If I read an account of how difficult I made my mothers life when I was little, I'd want to crawl in a hole and die.
I think it's a great idea. Now that Erica has a child of her own and expecting #2 next month, we have been talking about her childhood and everything that went on. Part of why she sought answers as an adult were memories brought on by conversations about her childhood and her looking back at it. And it helps in raising her children. After half of who they are come from her. It can be no different than any other retelling of family history. The memories don't have to from the standpoint of "just see what you put me through!" but "look how far you have come; you have overcome so much, there isn't anything you cant do."

Chris--extended breastfeeding, cloth diapering, babywearing, co-sleeping, APing, CLW, homeschooling before any of this was a trend mom to Joy (1/78), Erica (8/80), Angela (9/84), Dylan (2/98)
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#311 of 494 Old 08-14-2010, 03:54 PM
 
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Here goes....

I have 2 children with PDD-NOS. The first was medicated from 5.5-around his 8th birthday. The second, we avoided medications due to side effects and complications with the first.

We are now going to medicate the 8 yr old. He is worse off now than the older child was. I don't know if it was better to wait and try to go without or not. His self esteem is lower from not medicating. He does not mean to have the troubles he has, he just does. He does not really have friends. He is quite smart, but flips out on us and is not really enjoying life.

Now I have been reading how if you do not medicate when needed, they keep growing in such a way that will affect them negatively in the future. I don't want that.

My now 15 yr old is doing so well now, and he is no longer on medications, that NO ONE can tell he even ever had problems. He has been off meds for some time. NO ONE can tell. We are looking at colleges for him and he is in the gifted program in school and so on. The medication really helped him in the long run. I guess you have to weigh out the benefits vs the bad things. In the end, he was much better off medicated.

My 8 yr old has an appointment Aug 23 to start meds. I think maybe I wish we had given in sooner.

(((((hugs))))) Good luck, I know how hard it is,
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#312 of 494 Old 08-15-2010, 10:59 PM
 
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I'm not kidding. I'm not saying throw it at him in a the middle of an argument. I'm saying keep it. You never know how you may want to reflect upon your life. Maybe Bisou will want to reflect upon her growth as a mom. Maybe her DS will be in therapy later in life and he will want to reflect upon his childhood from his mother's perspective. Maybe he'll be great and he'll be able to look back and see how far he's come. Maybe he'll never read it and never want to. But, if you don't save it now you won't get to later.

Sewchris, "The memories don't have to from the standpoint of "just see what you put me through!" but "look how far you have come; you have overcome so much, there isn't anything you cant do." " Definitely this. They've overcome so much together. There's nothing they can't over come.

Besides, you can never put your childhood "behind" you. It will always be a part of who you are.

Married to one of the last good guys left Jim
Mom to AJ 4/07 and Genevieve 5/09

And then: I'm really, really tired of making angels.

But wait, could it really be true?


The whole story at: www.xerxella.blogspot.com
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#313 of 494 Old 09-20-2010, 11:45 AM
 
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OMG, its been WAY to long since OP has updated. I hope everything is alright.
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#314 of 494 Old 09-21-2010, 04:42 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Hi 2times:

The original posting is a little old, but I think the last time I posted was within a few months. I need to check!

My son is five years old and just started kindergarten last week.

Thanks so much for the helpful post and kind words. You all on Mothering.com have no idea how much you have helped me! I have very few family members and very little community, and my son's behavioral problems are something I don't want to share with the few friends we have because I don't want them to think "I don't want my child around YOUR child!" I just hope my son will be on his best behavior.

It's so great to have the moms on MDC for support. I REALLY appreciate it. None of you know me, yet you are willing to read out and provide me, a complete stranger, your support. It really means a lot.

THANK YOU.

Quote:
Originally Posted by 2timestrouble View Post
Hi,
So today I start reading more about your post, and I just now realize that this post is 4 years old, so all my points I was thinking last night probably are not useful anymore
Your last post was in 2006 so I am sure many things have change since then, I hope things go better, and you and your son are doing great now.
Is he now 8, right?
How things are going?
Send you good vibes.
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#315 of 494 Old 09-21-2010, 04:45 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Hi Lisa:

It sounds like you need a "Good Luck" too! It's SO hard to have children with behavioral problems. It's so often blamed on the parents and/or the child. I am a single mom, so I am really afraid of getting the "Well, he DOES have a single mom" phrase from people, and that has happened.

My son just started kindergarten and is doing ok, but it's a big stress for him, and for me too!

I will post a longer update in a minute.


Quote:
Originally Posted by Lisa1970 View Post
Here goes....

I have 2 children with PDD-NOS. The first was medicated from 5.5-around his 8th birthday. The second, we avoided medications due to side effects and complications with the first.

We are now going to medicate the 8 yr old. He is worse off now than the older child was. I don't know if it was better to wait and try to go without or not. His self esteem is lower from not medicating. He does not mean to have the troubles he has, he just does. He does not really have friends. He is quite smart, but flips out on us and is not really enjoying life.

Now I have been reading how if you do not medicate when needed, they keep growing in such a way that will affect them negatively in the future. I don't want that.

My now 15 yr old is doing so well now, and he is no longer on medications, that NO ONE can tell he even ever had problems. He has been off meds for some time. NO ONE can tell. We are looking at colleges for him and he is in the gifted program in school and so on. The medication really helped him in the long run. I guess you have to weigh out the benefits vs the bad things. In the end, he was much better off medicated.

My 8 yr old has an appointment Aug 23 to start meds. I think maybe I wish we had given in sooner.

(((((hugs))))) Good luck, I know how hard it is,
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#316 of 494 Old 09-21-2010, 05:35 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Ok everyone, so here's an update.

A lot has happened in the last few months. We moved to our new condo in the end of May (the first place I have ever owned! I am so proud!), I made it through an insane summer teaching (summer terms in college are notoriously insane, fitting 11 weeks of coursework into 8 weeks), and my son just started soccer (for the first time) and kindergarten.

The last few months have had many ups and downs. It has been very hard for my son to adjust to our new place. Initially he kept asking to move back to our old place, even though our old place was tiny (one bedroom, one bath), and he has his own fancy room in our new place, complete with the bunk bed he has always wanted! He loves his new room, and he has finally come to terms with our new place and now talks about how much better it is than our old place. We can ride bikes here (something we couldn't do at our other place). There is a huge park right across the street, and two playgrounds within walking distance (again, something we didn't have at our other place). It's a much more kid-friendly area, and this is something we both like.

He did really well the first 3-4 days of kindergarten. On the first day, he told his teacher and adults, in a humorously sarcastic and irritated tone, "Looks like I brought my camera crew along today," because I had BOTH my video camera and regular camera going. I didn't want to miss a minute! The adults all erupted into laughter and were telling everyone, "Did you hear what that boy said? He said he brought his camera crew!" These are the moments when he shines: he can be incredibly funny and really witty beyond his years.

We walked the kids to class from the cafeteria, and when it was time to leave, I said, "I am going now, ok honey?" and he said, "Ok, GO!" (like "what are you waiting for?") and was completely fine with it. He was fine for the first 4-5 days, and then on Friday of his second week (they began the Friday before, so their first "week" of school was only one day), he started sobbing when it was time for me to go, and this has happened for the last three days (Friday, Monday, Tuesday). This has been hard for me. He keeps saying, "I miss you SO much Mommy." Poor guy.

On the positive side, his teacher is great. She has taught at this elementary school for 30 years and is retiring this year. She is much loved in the little neighborhood we live in, and many people here had her for their kindergarten teacher 25+ years ago. She is very comforting to the kids. When my son cried, she comforted him. She gives lots of back rubs, head pats, and hugs, and I am SO grateful she is his teacher.

Behavior-wise, things have been REALLY up and down. We had a few good weeks, and I was just about to post a positive update, and then we hit a REALLY BAD few weeks. I had a while where I was just so stressed with the move and everything that I was just yelling all the time and frustrated with everything he did. That was not a good time for either of us. I have now gotten myself back to an even keel and I just try to have a completely patient veneer when he is out of control.

We had one particularly bad weekend where my son was just totally out of control, screaming at the top of his lungs, hitting, peeing on stuff, biting, the whole nine yards. I called my mom for emotional support (which is a hit or miss proposition, but I have no one else to call), and she said "Your dad and I are coming down there. We will take him and he can just live with us." I wanted help, but they don't offer help, they just tell me what is going to happen. I don't appreciate being treated like a child who isn't able to handle things. I don't want someone to rescue me. I am not incapable, just overwhelmed, as any person would be in this situation. But they make me feel like a failure.

I honestly wanted them to just come down and perhaps have my dad take my son to the park for an hour while I had a chance to talk with my mom, vent, and just calm down and have a break from him. They didn't want to do that because they thought that was ridiculous, but instead they just thought they should take my son because obviously I "couldn't handle it." I don't understand how it's too much of a hassle to come down and give support for a few hours, but it's somehow easier for my parents, who both work full-time jobs, to take my son. Does that make any sense?

I am not ok with my son living with my parents for several reasons. 1) I would feel I abandoned him and would feel extreme guilt. 2) I would fear he would feel abandoned by me. 3) My parents were abusive to me as a child (physically), and while they have never been abusive to my son (well, I guess they have spanked him 3-4 times, which I don't agree with!), they can be extremely crabby with him at times. There are many other reasons this is problematic too.

When I didn't want my parents to take my son, they got really angry and my mom said she couldn't take this stress anymore, and that maybe it would just be better if they weren't in my life or my son's life anymore. She said things like "We will miss you and our grandson, but maybe it would just be better for everyone." This was said in a really cold, mean tone. And angry. She was totally pissed at me like I did something awful to them. I guess it was giving birth to a child with "problems" and making their lives miserable. She continually tells me "We have NO life" because they take care of my son every weekend, at least for 24 hours, but when I say I will keep my son home, she says, "No, we WANT to see him. It's just tiring." My mom tends to do the martyr thing where she acts like her whole life is ruined and it's so hard, but then when I say, "Well, that's ok, I will just figure something else out," she says, "Oh no, no, no. We WANT to do this." They take care of him, but make me pay through guilt later.

So anyway, after my mom made these statements to me, after a day of COMPLETE HELL with my son, where I was completely at my wit's end, she hung up. At that point, I completely lost it. I should point out that at one point earlier in the day, things were so bad that I was just lying face down on the bed while my son was hitting me, just ignoring it, because I no longer had the physical or emotional energy to fight him. Nothing was working.

After my mom disowned us and hung up, I just broke down. I just sobbed and sobbed, and it lasted all day and into the next day. My son was really scared and really angry at my parents, and I felt SO awful about exposing him to this complete breakdown, but I absolutely couldn't help it, and I had no one to call.

This was the worst of the worst. I was thinking, "I am completely alone! I can't do this! I have no one! Why does no one love me? What is wrong with me? How can my parents be so cruel? Why do they blame me for this? This is not my fault, unless you are going to blame me for having a child out of wedlock, but even then, people get divorced. Even people who are married end up single moms. Did they not want to have any grandchildren? What is wrong with them? What can I do? I can't live like this!" etc etc etc It was just absolutely awful, scary, heartbreaking, lonely.

The next day, after almost 24 hours of me constantly sobbing (NOT good for him! I know!), my son wanted to call my parents, and so I let him, and I was totally shocked at what happened. My son completely reamed them out, yelling at them for treating me this way, saying "You jerks! Mommy is crying and crying! What is WRONG with you? Why did you DO that??? I hate you! We don't ever want to see you again!" etc etc etc. He was just ranting and raving and screaming at them and pacing the floor. I was saying, "It's ok. Let me have the phone, honey" because I could see how clearly distraught he was. It was really awful.

First of all, I want to say that I think this is completely sad and upsetting that he felt the need to defend me. I DON'T think it's ok. He's a kid and shouldn't be exposed to this kind of trauma, and he shouldn't feel responsible for taking care of his own mom. He needs a stable, healthy parent, but often this is more than one person (heck, even two or three people!) can take.

But, that said, this made a HUGE impression on my parents. My mom asked him to put me on the phone so she could apologize. She said she had no idea things were so bad, that she didn't know what came over her and why she was so angry at me and so cold.

When I called my mom and she just completely abandoned me in my crisis, it was like I was drowning and desperately reaching out my hand, and my mom just got pissed at me, like "How dare you be drowning? Can't you do any better than that?"--- a phrase they say often, by the way, whenever my son is acting up. I want to say, "Ummm, if I could do better, or change this in some way, wouldn't I do that? Do you think I ENJOY this?" Actually, I have said something similar to them at times.

But, she did apologize. She said she had never seen my son so upset. Neither had I, at least not about something like this. I felt bad that he thought he needed to defend me, but I am also grateful for his words. My mom and I had a big talk after this where she said, "I know it's not your fault. I just get so angry. I don't know why I get so angry." We talked about a lot. She said it would never happen again. I still don't trust them, but it did feel like an improvement that we talked.

It's very hard being the parent of this child with so little support. No one wants to deal with it. I don't want to deal with it either, but he's my son, I love him, and I am really all he has.

Since he has started school, he is showing a few signs of anxiety and maybe OCD, and I am little worried about that. He started talking about germs, and constantly spitting and then wiping his mouth (and wiping the spit off) with his arm and sleeve. This has only been going on the past few days, but it's bad enough that he has almost completely scabbed over his lips and his face is red and chapped. He's never done anything like this before, and I am 99% sure it's being triggered by school. He keeps saying, "What if I touched my bottom and then touched my mouth? Is that ok?" and I say, "Well, did you touch your bottom?" and he says, "I don't know!" in a really upset tone. I've been saying, "It's ok honey. If you touched your bottom, wash your hands, but you don't need to worry about it." He was so upset about it he was just almost hysterical. "I think I have germs in my mouth! I don't want to have germs!" This is something he's never had before, so I am definitely concerned, but again, I think it's the stress of school. Poor guy.

His teacher said he's really sweet, and the other kids seem to be liking him. He already has a few friends. I am hoping things will go ok once he gets over the shock of the first few weeks. It's a long school day for him, as the kindergarteners in our school go for 6 hours (8am to 2pm) each day.

Right now, things are looking up in some respects. His behavior with me is a little better, and my behavior towards him is much better since I have regained my patience. He is taking time outs in his room, and this does seem to be calming him down. Once he's been in there for a few minutes, I will check to see if he's still in a rage, and if he is, I will just say, "Ok, well, when you feel calm, you can come out." Sometimes he gets out toys or books and plays for a few minutes. This is ok with me, as I just want him to calm down.

Anyway, that's my rambling and lengthy update. As usual, thanks for listening!
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#317 of 494 Old 09-22-2010, 04:29 AM
 
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Hugs. that sounds really rough. But major congrats on the new place! Are you in therapy yourself? Maybe it would help to have someone to support you both with your son and with the issues your parents bring. Sometimes, just having a neutral 3rd party to vent to can be a big relief, you know?

As far as the germ thing, do you know if they've been talking about germs in school? If they've been talking about germs and hygiene it could explain why he is suddenly so worried about it at home. I would ask, and then try to present a factual, balanced approach to germs. (Some germs are bad, but some germs are actually very good for us! You could explain that certain germs help us digest our food and everybody has them, and that being too clean can kill the good germs and let the bad germs take over, or something- like, its important to wash our hands, but if we forget, probably nothing bad will happen. And if we wash them too much, our hands will get hurt)
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#318 of 494 Old 09-22-2010, 10:03 AM
 
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I second the suggestion PP made about perhaps they are talking about germs in school, and the impoartance of handwashing. I know just at my kids DAYCARE they are handing out free hand sanitizer. Perhaps it would help your son if you explained that some germs are actually a GOOD thing, if you think it wouldnt confuse him. He sounds like a very bright and articulate little boy, so perhaps this would help him a little?

Im so sorry your mother did that to you. They sound very passive aggressive, which I am sure you know, is a tactic used by emotional abusers. I know your resources are limited in the support department, and you have to have SOMEONE to lean on when things get rough. I hope your sons outburst was the eye opener they needed to get their heads out of the sand. But just incase, isnt there atleast one friend you have that you feel comfortable talking with this stuff about? I dont have many friends. But I do have one very dear friend. Shes childless and has never been married, and actually has a degree in early childhood education, and if I were in your shoes, she wouldnt hesitate to be by my side in such a situation. My point is, if I can have atleast one friend like that, anyone can. (Im trying to be funny here, its never been easy for me to have alot of close friends. Im introverted and always been an acquaitance kind of girl)

How is therepy going for you and him?
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#320 of 494 Old 09-22-2010, 03:35 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Hi Oubliette:

Yes, it has been rough! I have been trying to get therapy through my insurance for over a year. I have Kaiser insurance, and they have just been AWFUL. In addition to my son's behavioral issues and the stress of being a single parent, I had someone try to break into our home a year ago (not where we live now!) to rape me and assault me with a deadly weapon. He was a stranger but a neighbor. Obviously this has caused me some serious issues. Even with all of this going on, Kaiser was unable to get me into someone who could see me more than once every 1-2 months! When I complained, I was given a second therapist (two therapists at the same time), and even then, I was unable to get in more than every 1-2 months. They are totally backed up with clients and then they go on vacation. One therapist went to Turkey for two months. Anyway, it's been massively frustrating. I have talked to the head of the department several times, and they just refer me to group counseling (which, of course, is more cost effective for them), but they don't have a PTSD or trauma group, just Anxiety and Depression. In the group, the majority of the people are so dysfunctional that they can hardly take a shower in the morning, and many of them have been institutionalized. Definitely NO JUDGEMENT on my part of these people, but it ends up being more depressing for me because I think "How did these people end up like this? Could I end up like this?" It's hard to be around a group of people who are so dysfunctional because I am super sensitive and I get so depressed for them and it also kind of scares me because I wonder if I could end up so depressed or anxious that I couldn't even function. (I just want to be clear that it has nothing to do with not wanting to be around these people, but more that I just feel so sad and depressed about their situations that I end up leaving group feeling worse!)

Anyway, enough about that!

I've thought about trying to find my own counselor, but counseling is SO expensive. Right now I am paying over $200 a month in co-payments just for my son's therapy and occupational therapy co-payments, and that's a lot for me. I just bought my first place, and I don't get child support because my son's dad disappeared when I was pregnant, so every penny is precious.

I have thought about trying a church for counseling, but I don't know. I wouldn't want to be getting a sermon every time, or "Just ask God to help you." I guess it would really depend on the person.

I am also not considered low income, so I can't qualify for low income counseling. I just have a lot of expenses (home, insurance [medical, car, home], medications, etc etc etc).

If anyone has any good counseling ideas, let me know!
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#321 of 494 Old 09-22-2010, 03:58 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Hi Barbie!

I might be the culprit in starting the germs thing. I am definitely not obsessive about it, but they do NOT wash hands at his school, which concerned me, so I said, "Honey, if they are not having you wash your hands, YOU need to wash your hands, especially before you eat." At his preschool, they had the kids wash hands several times a day, but this is not happening at his school. I didn't make a huge deal about it.

The thing that's weird is that he is really freaking out about something in his mouth, saying he has germs in his mouth, or hair, or "something," and he kept spitting over and over on his shoulder and arm, then wiping his face with his arm and sleeve. His poor little face is totally chapped and his lips almost scabbed over. He's never really displayed this kind of anxious behavior before, but I guess it totally makes sense with school. It's a huge change, a big school (hundreds of kids after coming from a preschool with 8 kids!), a new (albeit wonderful!) teacher, and all new kids.

Much to my relief, so far his teacher has said he is a "wonderful, sweet, and very sensitive little boy." I have talked to him a lot about making a good impression with both his teachers and other students. We've talked about how some kids might be mean and how he can try to turn that around by talking to the kid, but if that doesn't work, to walk away or get help from an adult, if needed. He seems to be doing well socially, and I hope he continues in this vein!

He also asked to start soccer, which we did the night before his first day of school. I've tried to take him to soccer, dance, and gymnastics before, and every time it ended in him crying and being afraid to try, even with me sitting there. I was hoping it wouldn't be the same this time, but he was totally ready and LOVED it. I am seeing some good changes in him, and I think that this is very good for his self esteem.

I think being in the same house and same school for several years will help him as well. We have moved five times in six years (since I was pregnant with him). We have endured abuse at two daycares, the death of my two last grandparents, a break-in attempt, and surgeries for mom. It's been A LOT. I am hoping that we can finally have some stability for a few years.

On the friends end of things, this is something I REALLY need help with, however that might happen. I am very extroverted and make friends easily, but I always seem to have a hard time when it gets 6-12 months or so (sometimes longer) into the friendship and we start sharing things. I don't feel like I am a person who burdens people with my troubles. I am definitely a good listener and someone people can lean on. If you're sad or having a bad day or your boyfriend is being a jerk or whatever, you can talk to me about it. I WANT to hear about it. However, I often seem to have friends who don't want to hear about anything that's going on with me.

My closest friend of ten years actually broke off our friendship within a week of my son being seriously abused at his daycare (visible damage to the genital area) when he was two. In her "breakup email," she said, "Your life is a smorgasbord of sh*t," a comment I will never forget.

I guess I could understand blaming me for this if it were my fault (like I was a drug user or alcoholic, or if I always dated jerk guys, or something), but most of my problems have been completely out of my hands and not something I brought upon myself.

Anyway, this is something I've thought about posting about on another thread, as it's been a huge source of sorrow for me. Since I've had several friends "break up" with me in this fashion, I now have several acquaintances, but everything in my life, all my troubles, I keep secret. I just act like everything is wonderful and dandy and fine. And then I end up feeling fake or like these people don't really know me, but I am scared. They tell me about their problems, and I listen, commiserate, sympathize, support, and offer advice (when asked), but I don't share my problems. As a result, I don't have any friendships that I would really call close. I am too scared. I have been burned many times. I don't exactly understand why it goes the way it has. I am very warm, loving, giving, and affectionate, and I am also pretty fun (if I do say so myself!). It's really been since my son has been born that I've really had MAJOR problems with friendships. I think part of it is that I don't have as much to give as I once did. I don't know. I can't quite figure it all out.

We have always had a small family and one that's not very close. The only family members I really have contact with are my parents. My parents are more or less estranged from their siblings, and I don't have grandparents anymore. I really miss having family, and holidays are VERY hard for me. I am the kind of person who would love to have 100 cousins and 20 aunts and uncles. Growing up, I had only six cousins, counting both sides of the family, and I am really only in contact with one of those cousins occasionally. I have a brother, but he is a little odd, a little hermit-like and into weapons and that kind of stuff (seriously, he has like automatic machine guns and probably 30-40 guns and various weapons!), so we are not close.

Anyway, I am rambling again. But I do really crave friendship and love, not necessarily romantic love (though that would be nice!), but just close friendship. I would love to have a friend that I could call, sniffling, and have her say, "I will be right over!" I am the kind of person who would do that for my friends, though it is more difficult to do when you have a child, as you don't want to involve a child in anyone's emotional drama, even if you want to help. It's all so complicated.

Many times I long for the old days of the village where everyone knew and supported each other, though I am sure I am over-romanticizing it.

Maybe I need to go live in a commune!

Thanks you guys for your postings.

I think things are looking up for my son. I remain optimistic!!!






Quote:
Originally Posted by Barbie64g View Post
I second the suggestion PP made about perhaps they are talking about germs in school, and the impoartance of handwashing. I know just at my kids DAYCARE they are handing out free hand sanitizer. Perhaps it would help your son if you explained that some germs are actually a GOOD thing, if you think it wouldnt confuse him. He sounds like a very bright and articulate little boy, so perhaps this would help him a little?

Im so sorry your mother did that to you. They sound very passive aggressive, which I am sure you know, is a tactic used by emotional abusers. I know your resources are limited in the support department, and you have to have SOMEONE to lean on when things get rough. I hope your sons outburst was the eye opener they needed to get their heads out of the sand. But just incase, isnt there atleast one friend you have that you feel comfortable talking with this stuff about? I dont have many friends. But I do have one very dear friend. Shes childless and has never been married, and actually has a degree in early childhood education, and if I were in your shoes, she wouldnt hesitate to be by my side in such a situation. My point is, if I can have atleast one friend like that, anyone can. (Im trying to be funny here, its never been easy for me to have alot of close friends. Im introverted and always been an acquaitance kind of girl)

How is therepy going for you and him?
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#322 of 494 Old 09-23-2010, 09:51 AM
 
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OH Bisou,

For a "friend" to abandon you after the HORRIFIC insident with your son and his former "DCP" She was really no friend at all. Who does that?!?!?! I MEAN WTH!?!?!?!

If I remember correctly, you are on the other side of the US from me. Have you tried Finding Your Tribe to see if there are MDC mamas in your area? You need a support system mama, and you need something other then what your parents are providing you. AS youve said, just a shoulder to cry on occasionally would be nice.

For now I will just have to settle for sending you virtual hugs. I wish I could do more, I trully trully do!
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#323 of 494 Old 09-23-2010, 11:49 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Bisou View Post
The thing that's weird is that he is really freaking out about something in his mouth, saying he has germs in his mouth, or hair, or "something," and he kept spitting over and over on his shoulder and arm, then wiping his face with his arm and sleeve. His poor little face is totally chapped and his lips almost scabbed over.
This is a red flag for me WRT OCD... is he in control of his anxiety, or is it in control of him? Poor little guy. Not sure when you're going to be seeing his HCP or counsellor(s) again, but this seems important to mention.

You are doing a great job Mama.

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#324 of 494 Old 09-25-2010, 02:31 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Bisou View Post
I am also noticing his sensitivities to sounds, like the other day when I was scraping a pan with a metal spatula and he said it "hurt" when I did that. He has also decided he likes being squeezed by me as hard as I can squeeze him.
A friend whose child is very similar recommended a weighted blanket to help with the sensory stuff:

http://www.weightedblanket.net/

Quote:
Originally Posted by Bisou View Post
When I was a kid, my mom often used to say to me, "Sometimes I don't like you, but I always love you." I always thought that was an awful thing to say because it didn't make sense to me that someone could not like you as a person, but still love you. I definitely don't want to even hint at that sentiment with my son, so I try to make it clear that while certain behaviors make me unhappy, I always love him and like him! I might say, "I am angry right now because you just bit me, and I am REALLY mad, but I still love you."
When my DS does something that makes me angry, I stress that it is his BEHAVIOR that I don't like.

"I don't like your behavior when you are rude to me but I always love you."


Lastly I also am a single mom of a four-year-old boy who has moved several times over the course of two years (in our case). The one thing that most helped him to be comfortable in our house was to be able to draw on one of the walls in his room, effectively "marking is territory."

I hope these small suggestions might help you all and that you are able to work through all of this.
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#325 of 494 Old 10-23-2010, 03:51 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Hi Barbie:

WOW. I haven't updated for a long time. I wrote all this, but then saved it to finish later. Here it is!

It was REALLY shocking when my friend ditched me after my son was abused at daycare. We had been really good friends for ten years. She was the most wonderful kind of friend who would bring you soup when you were sick or a bouquet of flowers when you were having a bad day. She was always the person I could call when things were rough, and I did the same for her. When I found out I was pregnant (and single at the time, having broken up with my son's dad about two months prior, so it was a big "WHOA! WHAT AM I GOING TO DO!") she was the first person I called. It was a really wonderful reciprocal relationship, probably the best friendship I ever had.

Then she moved to NYC, got this new fancy boyfriend who was a film producer (and British, which she also was obsessed with!), and had a completely different life. She was super happy, super successful in all realms, getting her PhD. She doesn't have kids. I think that she became really self-centered. I also think she was really happy with her life, and she didn't want anything to pop that happiness bubble. But seriously, it wasn't like I brought that on myself or my son! I was so shocked when she did that.

She was in Portland to visit with the new fancy boyfriend. This horrific abuse had happened to my son only a few days prior; however, she and her boyfriend were set to stay at my place for a few days while they visited Portland. I had a guest room, but no bed in it, so I went and bought a brand new mattress in preparation for them because I wanted it to be nice. That's how I am. I wasn't about to have them sleep on the floor! I spent two days cleaning the place from top to bottom. Of course she didn't require any of this or ask for it, but I was so happy to see her and host them that I was doing it because it made me happy to make a place for them.

As she was leaving NYC and arriving in Portland, we talked on the phone a few times about what happened to my son, and she was very detached. During one conversation where I had been talking about the abuse and was just devastated, she abruptly said, "Hey, I was going to ask you about bed and breakfasts. How do you find one that's not all grandma-frilly-lacy but actually cool? I know you've stayed at some cool ones." This was literally in the midst of me sobbing about my son having the skin ripped off his genitals by a daycare worker! I was just flabbergasted. I chalked it up as her not having anything to say or not knowing what to say and just wanting to not think about it.

Then she arrived in the NW, and went to visit her parents in Washington first before she was due to stay with me in Portland. She didn't return my calls, but I thought she was just busy with her family, whom she hadn't seen in a year. They were due to arrive on Friday. I had the house beautifully cleaned and a brand new bed and linens, and I couldn't wait to see her.

On Friday I called a few times trying to figure out when they would arrive. She never answered or called me back. Then Friday evening she called late and left a message saying, "Ummm, our plans have changed. We might be able to get together for a drink this afternoon for 30 minutes or so, if we have time. I am not sure. We aren't going to be staying at your place."

Now, if my son had been there, I might have understood that because maybe they felt like it would be too much drama going on, but he was at my parents for the weekend and I had arranged everything around their visit. I was SO upset that they bailed on me, then acted like maybe they could "squeeze me in" (I think she even said that) when they had originally planned to stay with me for 2-3 days, and she waited until a few hours before they were supposed to arrive to even call.

Anyway, enough about that old wound!

I have been trying to build some friendships here with other single moms, but I am always afraid about sharing too much. Many of my mom friends have kids who are just perfectly calm and behaved and have no "issues" whatsoever, and they simply can't understand why my son acts the way he does and why I don't just "make him mind." I am also always afraid of getting ditched again, so I don't really share much of my life or feelings, which makes the relationships seem really superficial. Right now I am really confused about the role of friendships in my life, because what I think a friendship is (sharing the good times and bad, being supportive for each other) doesn't seem to fit other people's definition of what a friendship is.

Anyway, this isn't necessarily relevant for the gentle discipline forum, but I will post an update soon about how things have been going for my son (in short, it's been good and bad!).

Bisou



Quote:
Originally Posted by Barbie64g View Post
OH Bisou,

For a "friend" to abandon you after the HORRIFIC insident with your son and his former "DCP" She was really no friend at all. Who does that?!?!?! I MEAN WTH!?!?!?!

If I remember correctly, you are on the other side of the US from me. Have you tried Finding Your Tribe to see if there are MDC mamas in your area? You need a support system mama, and you need something other then what your parents are providing you. AS youve said, just a shoulder to cry on occasionally would be nice.

For now I will just have to settle for sending you virtual hugs. I wish I could do more, I trully trully do!
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#326 of 494 Old 10-23-2010, 10:32 PM
 
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Bisou, do you have a support group for parents of special needs kids in your area? You'd have better luck making friends with parents of SN kids, honestly because so many of us have seen the same behavior in our own children and really wouldn't be too phased by it, kwim? Some towns have broad support groups for any special needs kids, others have several specific ones. Maybe joining a group for parents of autistic children might be helpful. Your son may not be on the spectrum but does have some moderate sensory needs and the parents may have some helpful tips for you, as most kids with autism have high sensory needs too.

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#327 of 494 Old 10-23-2010, 11:18 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Hi wtchywoman:

That's an interesting suggestion. I have gravitated more to single parent groups because sometimes it's awkward to be around families with both a mom and a dad. It seems to emphasize for my son what he's missing, and it's nice to be around families that look like ours. I guess I need a group for single parents with special needs kids! Ha ha ha.

With my son, he often doesn't seem "special needs" in public. That happens more at home, around me or my parents (his grandparents). So it's sometimes more an issue of people not understanding why I don't want to do a, b, or c with them because they don't get that my son can't handle it.

For example, I have a very dear single mom friend, and we hang out a lot. Her son is 2, about to turn 3. My son is about 5 1/2. Lately her son has been screaming a lot, mainly goofing around (like making roaring dinosaur sounds), but my son can NOT handle it. We took a drive in my car with both kids in car seats in the back, and my son was just going insane with the screaming. I've tried to talk to my friend about my son's sensory processing issues, but she just doesn't get it, and I understand that her son is just being a normal kid. Those kinds of things are hard.

On the positive side, he is loving kindergarten for the most part and has the most amazing teacher! So I am hoping things are looking up for him overall. He has also been playing soccer for the first time and doing really well with that.

We had a hard week between the two of us with him not wanting to listen to anything I said, and I lost my temper too many times (sigh), but overall I feel like we are on the upswing.

Thanks for the post!
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#328 of 494 Old 10-24-2010, 11:49 PM
 
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I haven't gotten through all the pages, and can't remember what I posted! But I wanted you to know that my kids had lead poisoning, which is a different etiology than spectrum disorders or sensory disorders, but similar pathology. They have tantrums and emotional / behavioral issues when exposed to food additives, dairy, and some plant chemicals, namely salicylates. This is due to liver disfunction from genetics and the exposure. They are extremely VIOLENT to self but mostly others when exposed to wheat. We have actually had to bring their carseats in and put them in time out in them to prevent injury to us and them when they get exposed. We then start the time-in while they are still in the carseat, and let them out when they are able to be hugged without slugging. Wheat is also implicated in many mental illnesses, including bipolar and schizophrenia. All autoimmune disorders, including lupus, are considered gluten-associated medical conditions by researchers in the field. As you are vegetarians, you may be consuming a much higher salicylate and wheat load than omnivores. I apologize if I am duplicating other posts. I do empathize mama, it is hard for us to go anywhere, my youngest has little impulse control and both melt down like a volcano when triggered, esp. if their sals load or histamine levels are high.
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#329 of 494 Old 10-26-2010, 01:09 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Hi Provocativa:

Thanks for the post. I don't think you repeated anything you've posted to me elsewhere, so thanks for the info. It was the postings of several people here that got me to look into SPD, and that has been extremely helpful.

My son's violent behavior has really decreased in the last months. It's not completely gone, and there still are bad times, but when he was younger, he used to try to hurt me as bad as he could possibly hurt me. Now he might hit or scratch, but usually it's not as intense as it used to be.

He seems to be doing well in kindergarten. He was sick for two days last week and said he wanted to go back to school and couldn't wait, which is not usual for him (at least when he was in daycare), so that's cool. His teacher is awesome. He's having a few problems getting along with other kids here and there, but his teacher said it's not a huge problem. He tends to dig his heels in and get really stubborn.

Anyway, that's for the info. We definitely eat a lot of gluten, I think, and the idea of trying to cut that out of our already restricted diet seems daunting. I have never noticed any reactions after eating. Usually, after he's eaten he is really calm. It's when he hasn't eaten a while that he has major problems!
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#330 of 494 Old 10-26-2010, 10:43 PM
 
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My sons both have issues when they get hungry, my older son especially. He just absolutely flips a wig when he's hungry, to the point that I suspect that he has reactive hypoglycemia (my mom has it too which made me start questioning if that was part of the problem with him). Even at 17 he still trips out, it's just verbally now, where as it used to be really physical too, but either way it has always been that he simple could not be reasoned with. One of the things I do is ALWAYS make sure I have snacks for him, ALWAYS! In the car, at school, wherever. I now purchase a few of his favorite snack items (peanuts are a big one, and they are high in protein which helps stabilize blood sugar) and he keeps them in his room to munch on throughout the day.
As far as gluten goes, this may or may not be the case, but kids on the spectrum and with SPD disorders often get an endorphin high from eating glutens. They come to crave them because of the chemical reaction it causes in their brains, and when they crash it can be really harsh. I get how hard it is to restrict an already restrictive diet, I'm GF and vegan, but if you can even minimize the gluten eating that will help. This is a transition that I would make slowly, and gradually start investigating GF foods that you both like that can replace the gluten foods you already eat. Let me know if you are interested in investigating this. I can steer you towards some of the products I have found to be the tastiest options so that you don't waste your money on the stuff that's icky

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