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Help! Severe Aggressive/Defiant Behavior!

50K views 493 replies 134 participants last post by  Surfacing 
#1 ·
I am a single mother of a 4-year-old son with extreme behavioral problems, and I am desperate for your help as I am not liking what the medical community is offering us (medication, of course).

Here's the main point of concern so I can make my "thesis" clear. For over two years, I've been dealing with serious behavioral problems with my son including extreme aggression and destructive behavior. He has severely injured me on many occasions. I have sought therapy for him and both his therapist and the behavioral/developmental pediatrician we saw are recommending medication. The pediatrician prescribed Risperdal, which is an extremely serious anti-psychotic medication. My parents are not supportive of me giving him medication, and I am not sold on the idea either (as I know most of you probably wouldn't be), but I am at my wit's end with his behavior. I am posting here as a last-ditch effort to get some ideas that might help me deal with my son. Medication is NOT what I want to do, but I am feeling desperate. Also, the doctor and therapist (a psychologist) along with his regular pediatrician say that if his behavior continues, he is building neural pathways that will stay with him for the rest of his life. They say once this behavior becomes entrenched, it will only get worse. They say, "If you have a hard time controlling him now and keeping him from hurting you, what about when he's 8 or 10 years old?" I am scared, angry, and frustrated with this situation, and of course I blame myself.

Just to give you some context for my situation, his father is not involved at all and has never met him, and though I have some help from my parents (they usually watch him one night per week, though they are not at all emotionally supportive), I am raising this child primarily on my own. My parents live an hour and a half away, so when my son has these hideous tantrums, which can last as long as 6-8 hours at times, I have no one to call to help me, and I can't handle it at times.

We had a very hard time from the beginning. He hated breastfeeding (or so it appeared) and screamed, pushed me away, and scratched me every time I tried. I didn't give up, but it took six months and a million visits to a lactation consultant to really be successful with it. He cried a lot and was colicky as well. He was hardly ever content.

The aggression began early. Even at 18 months, my son showed signs of aggressive behavior, trying to slam his head backwards into my face. He succeeded in giving me bloody noses and split my lip on several occasions. People would ask me if someone punched me in the face. I don't know why he did it, but he seemed angry and it seemed very intentional, even though I know he didn't really understand what he was doing.

(ADDENDUM: Since posting this originally, and thanks to a few MDC moms for recognizing it, my son has been diagnosed with Sensory Processing Disorder and has sensory seeking behavior as part of his SPD. He is unable to tell where his body is in space and has difficulty gauging how hard/soft he is doing things. In light of this, his behavior at 18 months is now clearly related to SPD. While I thought he "seemed angry," it was because he seemed to be trying to hurt me; however, the behavior wasn't happening in response to a "no" or any sort of discipline from me. I interpreted his body language in trying to slam into me as anger, but emotionally he didn't seem angry. It was just random. I don't believe he was being aggressive at that age now, just having difficulties with sensory processing.)

As far as discipline goes, I began with attachment parenting and was very committed to the idea. I breastfed him for two years and didn't put him in childcare until he was two years old. We co-slept and still do. I didn't circumcise him because I felt it was unnecessary and violent. I felt like I was doing everything "right" and that he would be a happy, healthy, loving child. I wanted to show him nothing but love and kindness, which is very different from what I got as a child.

I used very gentle discipline. If he hurt me, I would say, "We do not hit. Hitting hurts mommy." I was later told by therapists, nannies, parents, and doctors that my gentle approach to discipline was what caused his aggressive, out-of-control behavior.

Then, my son was seriously abused at a daycare when he was two, which only made things worse. We had to change daycares, obviously, and he would be extremely aggressive towards the other children any time I was around. He would hit, slap, push kids down, grab and pinch their faces, and once he even grabbed another child's head and started slamming it into the wall as hard as he could, over and over, while everyone screamed in horror and ran towards him as quickly as we could to make him stop. It was horrifying and humiliating. Everyone looked at me with horror and shock on their faces and said, "Why would he do this?"

Keep in mind that he had never watched a single TV show, had never seen someone be violent to another person, had never been physically brutalized by a loved one himself, though I will never know exactly what happened to him at that daycare. I do know that the skin was pretty much ripped off his testicles when the teacher (according to both the doctor's assessment and mine) apparently twisted his testicles for punishment, or torture, or who knows what.

I understand that the abuse he faced certainly impacted his behavior. He was angry and scared, and I still see him as a very angry, scared child. He seems to direct all his anger at me.

I can't count the number of black eyes and bloody noses he's given me. I am fairly sure he has even broken my nose. He has destroyed things, thrown heavy objects at my head, broken lamps, urinated on the couch on purpose (while in a time out), and so many awful things I can't even list them all, nor do I want to.

We have also faced several very stressful situations, one right after another. In addition to the abuse at his daycare, we also had the extremely traumatizing experience of having someone try to break into our house in May when we were there alone. It took the police 30 minutes to arrive, and I later found out (which I knew in my heart at the time) that the person was trying to get in to our house not to steal things, but to hurt me. He lived across the street, but I did not know him. He intended to rape me and cut me up with a box cutter. It's not clear whether he intended to hurt my son, but he knew my son and I lived there alone. My son was awake during the whole incident and we were both extremely terrified.

After this, we obviously had to move, as the attacker's relatives lived directly across the street from us and I didn't feel safe. We had to leave all of our friends that we had known for two years, and my son had to leave all the kids he played with daily.

Only a few weeks after this happened when we were still living with my parents and commuting 3 hours each day to work and preschool, a teacher at my son's Waldorf preschool (yes! Waldorf!) called to tell me that the director of the school had physically force-fed my son on several occasions, shoving a spoon through his closed lips while he sobbed for mommy. He had been particularly clingy when I dropped him off, but I thought it was due to the extreme stress we'd been under after the break-in. This teacher reported the force feeding as child abuse to the child care division and quit her job, and I immediately removed my son from that school. (Another teacher also witnessed the incident and confirmed that the account was true.) Yet another devastating change for him, as he lost all the friends he had made. It's been one loss, trauma, and tragedy for us (and my son in particular) after another.

Sorry this is so long, but there are so many pieces to this terrible puzzle that I feel I need to share.

Since he was a little over two, right after the child abuse at daycare and the aggressive behavior towards other children surfaced, I have been taking him to see a play therapist, and she has advised me to use time outs for any behavior that harms himself, harms others, or destroys belongings. Time outs do not seem to work for him and only escalate the situation until it turns into a complete physical battle. He is hitting, kicking, screaming, biting, and doing anything he can to fight me. He always hurts me, and I lose my temper and can become rough with him or emotionally abusive. This poor parenting on my part has been a new thing; somehow in the past I usually kept it together, but I am just burned out.

He will not stay in time out. He will come out of time out and continue to hit, bite, throw things and generally be out of control. Have been instructed by our therapist (who is generally very kind, rational, and reasonable; I do like her, overall) to restrain him and physically force him to stay in time out by sitting behind him and wrapping his arms around himself, as if he's in a straight-jacket. This usually results in him trying to bash me with his head or bite me, so sometimes I have to sit him in a chair and hold his arms over his head. I often have to drag him kicking and screaming into time out, since he refuses to go to time out.

I absolutely HATE, despise, and detest having to have these physical confrontations with him, like we are in a battle. I am only 5'2" and he is now 3'7" and a very muscular, strong kid. Even though he is only four, he is very hard to restrain and control. It just doesn't feel right, and it's very hard for me because I was very physically abused as a child, and it really triggers me. I feel like I am in an abusive relationship with someone who is hitting me and hurting me, and I want to leave, every fiber of my being is screaming "WALK AWAY BEFORE YOU LOSE IT!" but I can't walk away. He's only four. I can't leave him alone.

As I mentioned above, he has been in therapy for two years, and his therapist and behavioral pediatrician recommend that he take Risperdal, which is an anti-psychotic. This is a serious medication, given to schizophrenics and aggressive autistic children, and giving it to my son would be considered an "off label" use, but it's supposedly the only medication used to treat aggressive behavior in children. I do not like the idea of him taking medication AT ALL.

My parents completely disagree with medication, and of course blame his behavior on me because his behavior is most severe when he is with me. He doesn't act this way at school, and while he does have tantrums and aggressive behavior when he's at my parent's house, it's probably only 25% as much as he does it with me, if not less. I feel like if he's not acting this way at school or as much with my parents, it must be something I am doing wrong. The behavioral pediatrician said that it just shows he has awareness of what's socially appropriate and that after holding it in all day, he blows his fuse when he's with me because he feels safe doing so with me..

In addition to the traumas he's been through (abuse, force-feeding, break-in attempt, loss of friends and home), I think there may be some genetic components, as his father was a very mentally unhealthy person who exhibited many of the same behaviors of being kind, loving, and calm one minute and in a complete irrational fury the next.

I don't want to put him on medication, and I blame myself for not being able to have an impact on his behavior. I don't know what to do. I am afraid that the stress of fighting with him on a daily basis could lead to me becoming abusive. I already see myself going in the direction of emotional abuse, saying awful things to him that I hate myself for saying, like "I don't want to be around you. I don't want to talk to you. Just leave me alone." Of course I feel like crap after saying that, and I never said things like that until only recently. I feel like I've been patient for so long and I've finally run out of patience. He's only four, for God's sake, but I feel like I am in an abusive situation and I want to leave, but I can't. If I had someone to call when I am at my wit's end to just have a break for a few minutes, it would help so much, but I don't have any family here, and all my friends have children, and who'd want to come in to deal with a hitting, biting, kicking, screaming, spitting child? No one. So I am left to deal with it even when I feel like I can't. I love him, but more than once I've felt like just walking out the door and not coming back. I can't imagine living without him, but I can't live with him either. I feel like I am completely at my wit's end.

He constantly hurts me, and makes me late for work by having tantrums that make it impossible to get us out the door, which puts me under extreme stress. We live in a high rise apartment complex and I fear us getting evicted because he is screaming blood-curdling screams on a daily basis, sometimes for hours!

I have also lost several friendships because of this because my friends don't want their children around him. I haven't even attempted dating since I was pregnant, because I can't imagine any man wanting to be around a child who acts like this.

From time to time, he can be very sweet and kind. He loves animals, especially cats, and is extremely gentle with them. He can be very loving with me, but his kindness comes only sporadically and can be followed immediately by an angry, violent outburst towards me. Even things he enjoys, like offers from me of going swimming, to the park, out to eat, etc can bring about anger. It's completely irrational.

On the positive side, he is an extremely bright child (off the charts with his vocabulary) and both intellectually and physically talented. He could run at 9 months, and just before his 4th birthday was riding a bike without training wheels! He has so many strengths, and I wish we could see more of those and less of the emotional outbursts.

I've tried using positive reinforcement instead of negative, trying incentives like sticker charts and prizes, but he hates sticker charts and rewards most of the time, and will even get angry if you tell him he did a great job on a task and offer to reward him. He is a completely baffling child much of the time.

I am at my wit's end, but I love my son and want things to change. I don't want to put him on this medication. It seems like there MUST be another way, but I am physically and emotionally exhausted, and nothing I do seems to be working. Has anyone else dealt with severe behavioral problems? If so, what did you do? HELP!!!!!!
 
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#152 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by Bisou View Post
Wow! Your son sounds a LOT like my son! He has definitely been extremely out of control for the last year or so, which you probably know since I think you've read a lot of this thread.

My son can get really upset in stressful situations like that too, especially where there are lots of people, though sometimes he does fine.

He definitely loves getting squished, like your son does, and I've even squished him with the exercise ball I have at home, just as a random thing.

So with the OT, are they basically just giving him that sensory input that he seeks, which you then also replicate at home?

Also, is he still on the Risperdal? Did they know he had these sensory issues when he was given Risperdal? I've heard that medication isn't good (or at least not necessary) for kids with sensory disorders?

This is all new to me, so thanks for the info!

Oh yes. The OT will give you exercises to do at home and most likely will recommend those books that also have great exercises. He was diagnosed with SPD when he started the Risperdal. I hated it but he needed it for his aggression (he got kicked out of daycare at 2 years old). The worse part of that medication was that every 6 months he had to get blood work to check his liver as it's known to damage liver function.

Luckily I got him off of it myself with the help of the OT and becoming much more proactive with working with him during off times at home. My daughter never took Risperdal.
 
#153 ·
I was recommended Risperdal for my son, but I've been fighting it. Actually, even though things can still be pretty bad, his aggression has actually gone WAY down from where it used to be. Does he tantrum and get totally out of control? Yes. Does he still hit or throw things? Yes, sometimes. But he used to try with all his might to hurt me as much as possible, and he doesn't really do that anymore, and neither is he hurting other kids like he was two years ago at 2 1/2. He once literally took grabbed another child by the head and out of NOWHERE (completely unprovoked!!!!) started smashing her head against the wall as hard as possible, slamming it against the wall about 3-4 times as his teachers and I all ran across the room trying to get to him. He was about 2 1/2 at the time, and it was completely horrifying, like what kind of monster am I raising? He used to frequently, also sometimes out of nowhere, slam his head into my face. He split my lip open more than once, gave me at least one black eye, and I am fairly sure he broke my nose.

(SIDE NOTE/QUESTION: Could all that aggression/hitting/head butting be sensory seeking behavior? He started this at around 18 months, and I used to think "Why does he want to hurt me when he is only 18 freaking months old????? He is just a baby!!! This makes no sense!!!!!")

We have come a LONG way since then. I didn't used to do time outs at that age because I wanted to go a more gentle route and talk to him about things, but that totally didn't work. Time outs don't necessarily work either, though it's getting better. This is all a work in progress!

I have been working on the concepts in Transforming Your Difficult Child and he recommends giving your child points/credits for doing a good job in time out (staying put and not screaming during the TO). Right now, this is actually working really well! He seems completely shocked that he could be praised for doing a good job in time out, and the positive bent of that is really affecting him, like instead of being "bad" and in time out, he can be doing a great job and getting praised for being in time out.

Anyway, that's sort of a side note, but my main point was that his aggression has gone WAY down, like maybe 80% reduction, from what it used to be a year or two ago. Now when he hits, which is less than once a week, sometimes only every few weeks, it's relatively mild and more of a symbolic action ("I am MAD!") than something that seems intended to hurt me as much as possible. Whenever I feel completely desperate with his tantrums, screaming, and generally making life miserable, I do try to remember how far we've come and that he has made SOME progress.


He has also had a hard time making friends with other kids (even though he really LIKES other kids and other kids usually like him too). Usually, if a child gets in his space or wants to hug him, he is NOT ok with that and almost views it as an assault. He will even get completely pissed just because another child wants to hug him. He is not generally ok with other kids touching him, though he is fairly touchy with me. However, recently he has made friends with another little girl at school, and I was shocked to see them hugging and playing together, rolling around on the floor, or sitting closely together looking at books. This is some good progress too!

I just want to make sure I recognize the good days as well as the hard days.

That said, what the heck is going on in our society or environment that sooooo many kids are autistic, ADD/ADHD, etc? Some people say that kids are being diagnosed more often now, but I don't remember so many kids having these problems when I was growing up. I know that's a whole different can of worms I am opening, but I can't help but think that there is something going on in our environment (too many chemicals? vaccines???? who knows?) that is causing this for kids.

I did vaccinate my son when he was younger because I thought it was the right thing to do to keep him healthy, but he had a SEVERE reaction to pertussis. That scared me and made me research vaccines more, and then I wished I had read a little more on it in the beginning. It's just hard because for every seemingly reputable article about how vaccines are bad, it seems like there are just as many saying the opposite.

I know I am bringing up lots of different topics here, so sorry for being all over the board, but I am just bringing up everything that's popping up in my mind.

Thanks again for the reply! Love to all my fellow MDC mamas.


~Bisou

Quote:

Originally Posted by unschoolinmom View Post
Oh yes. The OT will give you exercises to do at home and most likely will recommend those books that also have great exercises. He was diagnosed with SPD when he started the Risperdal. I hated it but he needed it for his aggression (he got kicked out of daycare at 2 years old). The worse part of that medication was that every 6 months he had to get blood work to check his liver as it's known to damage liver function.

Luckily I got him off of it myself with the help of the OT and becoming much more proactive with working with him during off times at home. My daughter never took Risperdal.
 
#154 ·
I just finished reading this thread, and what a year you've had, mama! I was so happy to see that things have gotten better and so many people have given you such great information.

Like several others, some of your son's behavior reminds me of my oldest ds, who just turned 7. He was a very intense, high-need baby, who I wore or held most of the time and co-slept with. When he became a toddler he was into *everything* -- I quickly learned to baby-safe my house for my own sanity, including putting a latch on the front screen door because my ds thought it was great fun to push it open and run outside. He was (and still is) big for his age, which made those times when he got too too rough or wild harder to deal with, not least of all because other people expected better behavior from a child who *looked* 3 or 4 but was really only 2. Between about ages 3 and 5 I often felt like "that mom" at the park and playgroups; that was the most frustrating period. He wasn't constantly obnoxious, but he was a bundle of energy, constantly moving from one thing to the next and unable to sit still long enough to finish a meal. It really took all of my energy, focus and patience to keep him on an even keel and not lose my temper (although of course sometimes I did.) I sometimes had to carry him to the car kicking and screaming; he became easily overwhelmed with frustration and no amount of patience or understanding helped much at those times. It was my experience too that he was at his worst around me. My mom told me what many others have said, that he felt safe letting loose around me.

By the time he was 4 I had decided to homeschool him. I was certain he would be diagnosed with ADD or ADHD (at least) and was very opposed to medicating him. I ultimately decided it wasn't of much value to me to know that Dr. X thought he had Disorder Y and chose not to have him evaluated. I decided that if his behavior made homeschooling impossible or began to interfere with our everyday lives to an unacceptable extent, I would revisit the decision, and I still feel it was the right one.

One thing that really helped me, of which I was reminded again by moms who mentioned SPD, was reading "Raising Your Spirited Child" by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka. I thought it might be a bit of a warm-and-fuzzy approach because it focuses on avoiding triggers -- just like for children who need lots of physical contact, or become quickly overwhelmed in crowds; in fact these are some of the examples -- and understanding how to notice warning signs. It also helps you (the parent) figure out your own level of "spiritedness" and discusses how that might help or hinder your relationship with your child. Some of the characteristics of spiritedness include energy, intensity, and sensitivity. The book includes a really helpful section on introverts vs. extroverts and how they have different needs. For example, I learned that while I'm an introvert (meaning I need time to myself to recharge my batteries), my ds is an extrovert (meaning he needs to be around other people to recharge his batteries). Either personality type can learn to increase their comfort level in situations that make them uncomfortable (i.e., an introvert participating more in school or an extrovert playing quietly in his room) *but* they really need to be able to spend some time in their comfort zone every day in order to feel good. Realizing this made a huge difference, because I now recognize the need for myself to have alone time, or my ds to play with others.

Time outs usually did not work with him, because I had to sit there next to him and make sure he stayed. I quickly decided it wasn't worth the trouble most of the time and instead focused my energy on having him "atone" -- if he hurt someone, he needed to make them feel better; if he made a mess, he needed to help clean it up.

I am certainly not saying that this book solved all my problems; however it was reassuring to realize there were other kids who had a meltdown if their favorite shirt was in the laundry, or refused a bedtime story if the one he wanted to hear was unavailable. Most importantly, it helped me understand that *I am not responsible for his reactions*. I used to take it very personally when he got upset, and really wanted him to be happy all the time. It seems in retrospect that this often made him more negative, and when I learned to avoid trigger situations and work *with* his spiritedness rather than trying to *make* him do things, we got along a lot better and he was a lot more pleasant to live with. It made the tantrums easier to deal with because they became a lot less frequent.

He still has tons of energy, and daily physical activity is an absolute must for him. Especially when he has been sitting for awhile, when he gets up he is like a whirlwind. He walks back and forth while telling me things, sometimes seeming like he is acting out his story. He is constantly touching things to explore them, running his hands along the wall, drumming on the table, tapping his toes. At mealtimes he sits, then stands, then sits, then leans back in his chair, then puts his legs and bottom off to one side of the chair, then the other, and so on until he's done eating. When he was still doing this at age 4 my dh was worried and thought this was very weird, that we shouldn't allow it (ha-ha!). I was unwilling to spend mealtimes fighting with ds and refused to try to *make* him sit, preferring to focus instead on the "biggies." He still does this, and the only rule I made is that he has to take bites over his plate and clean up any mess he makes. It's working pretty well, and I think everyone feels better just accepting the way he is and not letting his need for movement -- which really is a small thing, in the scheme of things -- bother us or disturb our mealtimes.

Ds has become a kind, loving child who occasionally still has his moments -- don't we all? Things have really gotten better as he's gotten older. I know I am more relaxed in general because I have been a mother for awhile. Again, looking back, I realize that during the most difficult times I was working part-time, and while I'm certainly not passing judgement on employed mothers, it's been much easier to deal with my LOs since I started staying home full-time. It's been my experience that children really need clear expectations and consistent consequences, and of course that's easiest when you're with them most of the time. When you have to work, you have to work, though, and I think that makes it even more important to be consistent in the limited time you have together. I don't necessarily mean punishment, because I think it's very easy to become overly punitive in all of one's dealings with a child and want to punish over every little thing. However, natural consequences are a great teacher, such as getting scratched or bitten by a cat after they wouldn't stop pestering it, or having their favorite shirt not get washed because it was left on the floor instead of being put in the hamper. There are probably lots of better examples...

I had another thought: might your ds enjoy helping you make dinner and do whatever other chores you need to do in the evening? My kids always act up when they need attention. Sometimes just including them in what I'm doing is enough to defuse the situation.

Anyway good luck! I wrote a much longer message than I intended but hopefully there is something useful for you. I hope everything keeps getting better!
 
#155 ·
Hi Bisou,

I have been following your thread but not posting until today. I'm really proud of you. That's really all I wanted to say. It isnt easy to "defy" what the medical community/"experts" are telling you. However, you followed your motherly instincts like you did when you persevered with nursing. You worked through hell for the first 6 months bc you knew it was the best thing for you son. You didnt just put him on medication (not that I am categorically rejecting the notion of medication bc yes, sometimes, RARELY, it IS necessary) bc the powers that be recommended it. You havent had a lot of support and yet you've managed to do what a lot of mothers would not have had the determination and vision and confidence to do. I applaud you for that.

I was at one time a while back, going to message and ask about whether you vaxed your son and whether your son ever had any reactions but I see you've mentioned that he had a severe reaction to pertussis. I think that is probably relevant but you'll never probably get any medical professional to validate that theory.

I am also so so sorry that your son was abused by his daycare provider and that you've had so many stressful situations early in his young life. Surely that stuff is all relevant too. I think these types of issues are so multifactorial, not that I am an expert, but it just makes sense to me.

It warmed my heart to read your recent posts about the improvements in your son's behaviour. You have worked really hard. You should be so proud of yourself.

I just wanted to send you a hug and say that for what it's worth, I am impressed with your fortitude and strength.

Sincerely,

Heartandhands
 
#156 ·
Hi Milky Muse:

Wow! What a great post! Finally, someone who writes as much as I do.


Your son does sound very similar to my son in a lot of ways, and I've definitely had many of the same struggles and frustrations that you've had.

You mentioned that you didn't have your son evaluated for anything, but now that I know more about SPD, it sounds like your son could have some of the sensory seeking behaviors that can be part of the disorder for some kids. I am not an expert by any means, as this is all new for us, but one thing that sounds positive to me about SPD is that they don't generally medicate for this, but instead use occupational therapy, teaching you and your child techniques to calm him/her down. My son's therapist has recommended that he be referred for evaluation, so hopefully this will help us!

You mentioned staying home with your children, and I wish I didn't have to work! Unfortunately, I am a single mom. My son's dad took off during the pregnancy, and he doesn't pay any child support because I just don't want that negative influence in my son's life. He hasn't done a single thing for us, and I don't want my son going through the pain of being constantly disappointed by someone who doesn't really give a crap.


I've thought a LOT lately about how I wished I could be a stay-at-home mom, but there's just no way that's even close to possible. I guess I need to get out there and start dating! LOL.

The book you recommended is on my list of books to buy when I get paid next, so I am definitely going to check it out! Thanks for the recommendation and the detailed explanation.


I have tried things like having my son help with dinner, but sometimes that can be a really frustrating experience as he will get food ALL OVER everything--counters, cabinets, floors, walls--because he isn't listening that he can't take the whisk out and wave it around or hit it roughly on the side of the bowl, flicking stuff everywhere. I try to be patient, I really do, but his high level of energy and wildness makes it hard for us to do those sorts of things unless he's in a calmer mode because he just drives me CRAZY.

We have had a few better days this week now that I am trying to implement the ideas in the book Transforming Your Difficult Child. The other day we were going to our car (parked in the big underground garage in our building) and my son was over looking at his bike. I said, "Come on! Let's go!" and he immediately came over to the car (something he usually doesn't do), and got immediately into his carseat (something he ALSO usually doesn't do), and then sat very very calmly, actually completely still (again, not a normal thing), and he said, "Look, mom, I am being calm! I am earning my points!" It was sooo cute!

There are always ups and downs with him. I just hope we will start to get more UPS than downs in the coming weeks.

Quote:

Originally Posted by MilkyMuse View Post
I just finished reading this thread, and what a year you've had, mama! I was so happy to see that things have gotten better and so many people have given you such great information.

Like several others, some of your son's behavior reminds me of my oldest ds, who just turned 7. He was a very intense, high-need baby, who I wore or held most of the time and co-slept with. When he became a toddler he was into *everything* -- I quickly learned to baby-safe my house for my own sanity, including putting a latch on the front screen door because my ds thought it was great fun to push it open and run outside. He was (and still is) big for his age, which made those times when he got too too rough or wild harder to deal with, not least of all because other people expected better behavior from a child who *looked* 3 or 4 but was really only 2. Between about ages 3 and 5 I often felt like "that mom" at the park and playgroups; that was the most frustrating period. He wasn't constantly obnoxious, but he was a bundle of energy, constantly moving from one thing to the next and unable to sit still long enough to finish a meal. It really took all of my energy, focus and patience to keep him on an even keel and not lose my temper (although of course sometimes I did.) I sometimes had to carry him to the car kicking and screaming; he became easily overwhelmed with frustration and no amount of patience or understanding helped much at those times. It was my experience too that he was at his worst around me. My mom told me what many others have said, that he felt safe letting loose around me.

By the time he was 4 I had decided to homeschool him. I was certain he would be diagnosed with ADD or ADHD (at least) and was very opposed to medicating him. I ultimately decided it wasn't of much value to me to know that Dr. X thought he had Disorder Y and chose not to have him evaluated. I decided that if his behavior made homeschooling impossible or began to interfere with our everyday lives to an unacceptable extent, I would revisit the decision, and I still feel it was the right one.

One thing that really helped me, of which I was reminded again by moms who mentioned SPD, was reading "Raising Your Spirited Child" by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka. I thought it might be a bit of a warm-and-fuzzy approach because it focuses on avoiding triggers -- just like for children who need lots of physical contact, or become quickly overwhelmed in crowds; in fact these are some of the examples -- and understanding how to notice warning signs. It also helps you (the parent) figure out your own level of "spiritedness" and discusses how that might help or hinder your relationship with your child. Some of the characteristics of spiritedness include energy, intensity, and sensitivity. The book includes a really helpful section on introverts vs. extroverts and how they have different needs. For example, I learned that while I'm an introvert (meaning I need time to myself to recharge my batteries), my ds is an extrovert (meaning he needs to be around other people to recharge his batteries). Either personality type can learn to increase their comfort level in situations that make them uncomfortable (i.e., an introvert participating more in school or an extrovert playing quietly in his room) *but* they really need to be able to spend some time in their comfort zone every day in order to feel good. Realizing this made a huge difference, because I now recognize the need for myself to have alone time, or my ds to play with others.

Time outs usually did not work with him, because I had to sit there next to him and make sure he stayed. I quickly decided it wasn't worth the trouble most of the time and instead focused my energy on having him "atone" -- if he hurt someone, he needed to make them feel better; if he made a mess, he needed to help clean it up.

I am certainly not saying that this book solved all my problems; however it was reassuring to realize there were other kids who had a meltdown if their favorite shirt was in the laundry, or refused a bedtime story if the one he wanted to hear was unavailable. Most importantly, it helped me understand that *I am not responsible for his reactions*. I used to take it very personally when he got upset, and really wanted him to be happy all the time. It seems in retrospect that this often made him more negative, and when I learned to avoid trigger situations and work *with* his spiritedness rather than trying to *make* him do things, we got along a lot better and he was a lot more pleasant to live with. It made the tantrums easier to deal with because they became a lot less frequent.

He still has tons of energy, and daily physical activity is an absolute must for him. Especially when he has been sitting for awhile, when he gets up he is like a whirlwind. He walks back and forth while telling me things, sometimes seeming like he is acting out his story. He is constantly touching things to explore them, running his hands along the wall, drumming on the table, tapping his toes. At mealtimes he sits, then stands, then sits, then leans back in his chair, then puts his legs and bottom off to one side of the chair, then the other, and so on until he's done eating. When he was still doing this at age 4 my dh was worried and thought this was very weird, that we shouldn't allow it (ha-ha!). I was unwilling to spend mealtimes fighting with ds and refused to try to *make* him sit, preferring to focus instead on the "biggies." He still does this, and the only rule I made is that he has to take bites over his plate and clean up any mess he makes. It's working pretty well, and I think everyone feels better just accepting the way he is and not letting his need for movement -- which really is a small thing, in the scheme of things -- bother us or disturb our mealtimes.

Ds has become a kind, loving child who occasionally still has his moments -- don't we all? Things have really gotten better as he's gotten older. I know I am more relaxed in general because I have been a mother for awhile. Again, looking back, I realize that during the most difficult times I was working part-time, and while I'm certainly not passing judgement on employed mothers, it's been much easier to deal with my LOs since I started staying home full-time. It's been my experience that children really need clear expectations and consistent consequences, and of course that's easiest when you're with them most of the time. When you have to work, you have to work, though, and I think that makes it even more important to be consistent in the limited time you have together. I don't necessarily mean punishment, because I think it's very easy to become overly punitive in all of one's dealings with a child and want to punish over every little thing. However, natural consequences are a great teacher, such as getting scratched or bitten by a cat after they wouldn't stop pestering it, or having their favorite shirt not get washed because it was left on the floor instead of being put in the hamper. There are probably lots of better examples...

I had another thought: might your ds enjoy helping you make dinner and do whatever other chores you need to do in the evening? My kids always act up when they need attention. Sometimes just including them in what I'm doing is enough to defuse the situation.

Anyway good luck! I wrote a much longer message than I intended but hopefully there is something useful for you. I hope everything keeps getting better!

 
#157 ·
Hi Ms Heartsandhands:

Thanks for posting and for reading my thread. I appreciate it.

I have definitely resisted medication for my son, though, like you, I think it can be needed in some situations, and I definitely don't want to be critical of mamas who've chosen that for their children. Believe me, there are moments when I've been very close, and there might be a chance that I will consider it again, but ONLY when everything else has been considered.

My son's therapist seemed a little relieved today, to be honest, that we might have some more things to add to our tool bag to help my son. Like you mentioned, he's been through A LOT in the last two years. It's hard for me not to feel guilty about it because I was the one who wanted to move back to Portland and out of my parents' house which was located in a small Washington town with nothing to do. It was a toxic environment with my parents constantly criticizing me and fighting with me, so I know intellectually that it HAD to be done, but sometimes I just think "If we hadn't moved, he wouldn't have been abused, and we wouldn't have experienced that break-in and all the resulting trauma." But I know that some of those things could happen anywhere. I guess I just feel especially guilty about the daycare abuse, like I should have prevented that somehow, but this was a big chain daycare (not my first choice, but very clean, bright, and heavily monitored, or so it seemed), the only one I could get him into because everywhere else had 1-2 year wait lists. When I think about all that he's been though in the past two years, all that WE'VE been through, it's really just baffling.

I do worry about the vaccinations. I know that people of my generation had those as kids and it doesn't seem like we had many problems with it, but it seems like LOTS of kids have problems that weren't as common when I was growing up. Is it the huge increase in vaccinations? I don't know. My son definitely had a crazy reaction to pertussis, with insane fevers and shaking almost to the point of seizures. I didn't think about this as causing behavioral issues, but definitely didn't think it was good for him!

The other thing that I don't know if I've mentioned is that I was taking Wellbutrin when I was first pregnant with my son because I didn't know I was pregnant for almost the first three months. I was told I couldn't have children, and after years of never getting pregnant, I didn't think it would ever happen. I was also taking antibiotics on a daily basis for a skin condition I have, so I often think about how those medications might have impacted my son's developing brain. Again, GUILT.
I know I wasn't aware I was pregnant, and these medications are supposedly "safe" (whatever!), but I still feel really bad about that.

I know that beating myself up about things doesn't help anything, and the best thing I can do is just go from here and do my best to help my son.

I am in the process of looking at kindergartens for my son next year (yikes! scary!), and this is a hard process. Where we live, you can either go to the neighborhood school or you can request a transfer to another school and then be chosen through a lottery. There are also a few charter schools, including a fairly new public Waldorf charter school, and they all have their own lottery systems, so there are lots of options. The Waldorf school is smaller and more intimate, but there is also a really cool arts-focused elementary school that I am looking at. Definitely lots to think about! I want my son to have a positive first educational experience, but I also know it might be hard to know what the school is REALLY like until my son is attending there. Wish me luck on that!!!

Ok, off to do some actual work now!


Quote:

Originally Posted by heartandhands View Post
Hi Bisou,

I have been following your thread but not posting until today. I'm really proud of you. That's really all I wanted to say. It isnt easy to "defy" what the medical community/"experts" are telling you. However, you followed your motherly instincts like you did when you persevered with nursing. You worked through hell for the first 6 months bc you knew it was the best thing for you son. You didnt just put him on medication (not that I am categorically rejecting the notion of medication bc yes, sometimes, RARELY, it IS necessary) bc the powers that be recommended it. You havent had a lot of support and yet you've managed to do what a lot of mothers would not have had the determination and vision and confidence to do. I applaud you for that.

I was at one time a while back, going to message and ask about whether you vaxed your son and whether your son ever had any reactions but I see you've mentioned that he had a severe reaction to pertussis. I think that is probably relevant but you'll never probably get any medical professional to validate that theory.

I am also so so sorry that your son was abused by his daycare provider and that you've had so many stressful situations early in his young life. Surely that stuff is all relevant too. I think these types of issues are so multifactorial, not that I am an expert, but it just makes sense to me.

It warmed my heart to read your recent posts about the improvements in your son's behaviour. You have worked really hard. You should be so proud of yourself.

I just wanted to send you a hug and say that for what it's worth, I am impressed with your fortitude and strength.

Sincerely,

Heartandhands
 
#158 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by Bisou View Post
I am a single mother of a 4-year-old son with extreme behavioral problems, and I am desperate for your help as I am not liking what the medical community is offering us (medication, of course).

I am at my wit's end, but I love my son and want things to change. I don't want to put him on this medication. It seems like there MUST be another way, but I am physically and emotionally exhausted, and nothing I do seems to be working. Has anyone else dealt with severe behavioral problems? If so, what did you do? HELP!!!!!!
Bisou.. I see that you are in my hometown, and oddly I think I remember talking to you a few years ago when you were very carefully looking for childcare... anyway...

My son is the same age and much of this is true for me too, thought maybe to a lesser extent, and I don't know why other than that i can tell *something* is bugging him- lack of inner peace or ablility to regulate or something, and always has seemed to. It's worst with me- others will tell me they see nothing like how I tell things. I don't discount early day care experiences- while we had no abuse like yours, we did have loss of familiarity (immense caregiver changeover at one facility) which did have a lasting impact. I'm not sure how to overcome that, some kids are obviously real sensitive. Sometimes I think just having preschool- at a good place- has a major impact on his life that I don't love.

IMO only of course... if time-outs (however intended) don't work, then don't do them! He likely *knows* what he's doing is not good stuff, he just has an overriding need or something inspiring him otherwise (no impulse control?). I remember being a kid much like my own child, though I didn't hit/spit... but I had the feelings, and I just desperately wanted someone to understand, be nice, and HELP me... only now, I still don't understand or know how to help so all I can do is BE THERE with my son. ALso, you talk a lot about rewards and withholding rewards- I know that would confuse and stress my child, and if I were the child, I would rebel against the whole thing and/or greatly despise it. But if that and the time-outs DO seem to help you, then you have the right tools for you!

I try to not put energy into correcting everything, and put energy into something positive between us- I think he gets me down then I get him down a lot- hard to break that cycle, especially by myself. I try to imagine the times it works do help, and realize that I can't always control the times that it doesn't work. BTW, I have RYSC- it made me feel good that there were other spirited children far and wide, but I didn't find that I wanted to apply most of the practical stuff... just liked the initial theory. Since we are in the same town, I'll lend you if you want


Likewise, we can't do things like playdates cause he will snub the entire idea, I don't even get to meet potential mama-friends with his attitude. He loves other people- I actually believe that many of the issues would be nonexistent in a true tribe of many people.. funy how you yourself said that! but I don't have it and thus the cycle of not being able to find one because of him.

My child is needy and anxious and unable to control himself and it comes out violent- I don't think that makes him angry exactly and I don't worry as much about the act of hitting as what's behind it- what he feels, how his mind works. I'd just about been ready to do counseling or an evaluation but worried what all they could possibly recommend.
 
#159 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by Bisou View Post

I think his problem is that she isn't playing with him the way he wants her to, so he's angry. I also think that he gets frustrated with her because he gets in trouble for picking her up too much and getting her out from under the bed when she's gone there to hide. Sometimes I have to tell him that if he picks her up again (for the 20th time!) or bothers her under the bed (where she is going to hide from him, obviously) that he will have a time out. I think he might resent her because of this, like the new baby sister who's getting him in trouble. I have no idea. Just randomly hypothesizing.

Bisou
sounds to me like he's upset that the new cat isn't just like the old cat... replacing an older, mellower pet who knew you with a kitten and all- kittens don't always want to be still!

i also forgot to say earlier... i remember reading somewhere that if you were attached when your child was a baby, you wouldn't be butting heads when they were a preschooler. guess again. i was attached and we most certainly DO butt heads.
 
#160 ·
I don't know what to do. My son pulled our cat's tail again this morning REALLY HARD until she just let out this shriek. I was in the kitchen, and she was on one of the dining chairs (right by me), and everything was fine, we were having a good morning, and he just did that out of nowhere. He tried to say it was an accident, but he said he pulled her tail (and I don't see how that could be an accident), so I put him into time out immediately.

The time out was awful and since he wouldn't stay in time out and was throwing things at me and hitting things, I had to restrain him (which is what his therapist and the book, Transforming Your Difficult Child, recommends if they won't stay in time out) while he screamed and wiped snot all over my arms and spit on me.

The cat seems fine and tried to play with him after his time out was over, but how long do I let this go on? He hasn't caused her any major damage, but I also don't think having him periodically hurt the cat is good for either the cat or my son, nor do I want to get to the point where he causes her a major injury!!!! The idea of taking her back to the breeder is completely devastating to me because I just adore this cat. But of course I don't want her to be hurt. I don't know where to draw the line!!!! I also feel like taking the cat back because he's being "bad" would be really harmful for my son. Not that I'd explain it that way, but he's smart and would know it's because he's been hurting her. I guess some people would see this as a natural consequence. I am just completely lost about what to do. I hate having to make all these decisions myself. I am just so completely depressed about his behavior.

I know my son would be sad about it and doesn't understand that he wouldn't see her again. It just seems like everything is so night and day with him. One day she's his favorite thing ever, then suddenly he just hurts her for no reason, just out of nowhere. He said he pulled her tail because he didn't want her on the dining chair, but he wasn't going to sit there or anything. He just didn't want her on there. It makes no sense. Everything was fine with us this morning and with the cat. We were going to go outside and ride his bike before school, which is a happy thing for him. I just don't understand it. I don't know what to do. I am just devastated.
 
#161 ·
Bisou, when I saw you had a knew post, I was really hoping for a posative one. I really wish I could give you a nice big hug right now.

Have you explained to your son that if he hurts the cat again, she will have to go back to her live with her "mommy" (or however you would word it..) If so, what does he say to you? And if not, I would seriously consider trying this road. I understand you love the kitten, but her safety is at risk, and perhaps her introiduction so soon after the death of the first cat with everything else hes dealing with was just to much for him to handle?
 
#162 ·
Hi Barbie and all:

Yes, we've had a few good days, and now we're back to a really bad one.

I guess my questions are as follows--

How many times of mildly/moderately hurting the cat (pulling her tail, pushing her roughly off a chair or whatever, pulling her leg) is too many? It seems so hard to figure this out! Like maybe 1-2 times is ok, but is 3-4 times NOT ok? WHERE DO I DRAW THE LINE? I don't know how to answer this question. So far she hasn't had any lasting problems, but of course I don't want to get it to that point!!!!!!!

I have made it EXTREMELY clear to my son that this is not acceptable. I think one of the most upsetting things for me, aside from the cat being hurt, is that my son was always the MOST GENTLE kid I'd ever seen around animals. It was one of the things that made me the most proud of him. People were just so impressed by his kindness with animals. I just don't get what is going on now.

I've made it very clear that if he continues doing this, the cat will go back to where she came from (the breeder). Sometimes he says "Good. I don't want her" but this seems to be when he's upset because he's gotten in trouble because of the cat. Most of the time when everything is fine, he says he doesn't want the cat to go.

It just makes me feel like something is really really wrong with my son, and it's just so upsetting, like what's he going to be like when he's older?

Have any of you had problems with your children/child being mean to animals, and how have you handled this?

Now, I know an animal and a person are obviously not the same thing, but I just keep thinking that what if this was a baby sister or brother that he was being mean to? I know sometimes kids have problems with jealousy with new siblings. Obviously I wouldn't get rid of the new baby. I realize that an animal and a baby aren't the same and that the emotional stakes aren't as high. I don't know. I am just confused. I don't know when enough is enough. I don't want to jump the gun on this, but I also don't want her to be hurt. Also, as I mentioned before, I know that if I took her back, my son would realize it was because he was hurting her, and I don't want him to feel like he failed and was so awful that the cat had to leave. Of course I wouldn't verbalize it in those terms, but he would be aware of that.

Ideally, I want to see my son STOP this behavior and be successful in acting appropriately towards the cat so the cat isn't hurt and we are all happy. I just wish sometimes we could have the ideal happen. Sometimes it feels like it's always the worst case scenario for me.


I know he would really be very upset about this and would want another pet or would want her back. I just don't know why he is doing this. I am just completely upset, baffled, and confused.

I also feel bad because I told the breeder how WONDERFUL he was with pets and really talked him up, which was all true! I feel awful now going back and saying, "Well, you know how I said he was so wonderful with pets? Actually, he's not being so great and is hurting the cat, and I need you to take her back." It just makes me feel like a failure of a mother who's raising a monster of a child. I know the cat's well being and keeping my son's behavior under control comes first, but it's still humiliating.

Also, this definitely isn't MY cat, and I've actually made a point of saying she's HIS cat or OUR cat (at least). I haven't given him any responsibilities, like feeding her or cleaning the cat box, so there aren't any resentments there. The only thing I can see is that she doesn't do what he wants when he wants, so he gets frustrated with her and hurts her. It seems like he also occasionally acts out by hurting her when he's mad at me. For example, this morning I was getting our stuff ready for work/school, making lunch, etc, and that's when he hurt her, though it was just suddenly. I think he literally pulled her off the dining chair by her tail, which just makes me sick to my stomach. I don't know if he doesn't understand how bad this can really hurt her or what, but it's so upsetting.

I know for a lot of you it's just clear cut, like "Just take the cat back!" But emotionally it's not that clear cut for me. I am a single mom who spends all of my time alone or with my son, and it's SO nice to have her around when I am working alone at home or when my son is at his grandparents'. I've really become attached to her, especially after just losing my cat of 16 years. I am just completely TORN. Advice?????

Quote:

Originally Posted by Barbie64g View Post
Bisou, when I saw you had a knew post, I was really hoping for a posative one. I really wish I could give you a nice big hug right now.

Have you explained to your son that if he hurts the cat again, she will have to go back to her live with her "mommy" (or however you would word it..) If so, what does he say to you? And if not, I would seriously consider trying this road. I understand you love the kitten, but her safety is at risk, and perhaps her introiduction so soon after the death of the first cat with everything else hes dealing with was just to much for him to handle?
 
#163 ·
Two parts of your post jumped out at me. I quoted them and am bolding my responses.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bisou View Post
Also, as I mentioned before, I know that if I took her back, my son would realize it was because he was hurting her, and I don't want him to feel like he failed and was so awful that the cat had to leave. Of course I wouldn't verbalize it in those terms, but he would be aware of that. This is the whole point. It is important for children to learn WHY their behavior is unacceptable, and that there are consequences for their actions. You know this, as you have implemented time-outs as a form of consequence for his actions. This would just be another lesson learned.

I know for a lot of you it's just clear cut, like "Just take the cat back!" But emotionally it's not that clear cut for me. I am a single mom who spends all of my time alone or with my son, and it's SO nice to have her around when I am working alone at home or when my son is at his grandparents'. I've really become attached to her, especially after just losing my cat of 16 years. I think that this might possibly be clouding your judgement on the situation. You said that cat is not YOURS, but your sons and yours, BUT, you don't want to get rid of her because youve grown attached and are lonely. Those are valid feelings, especially given your situation. But the cats safety and your sons mental health are what are priority right now, and for some reason, this new little kitten is NOT in your sons best interest. I am just completely TORN. Advice?????
I hope you don't find my responses harsh. I tried to word them delicatly, yet firmly and to the point. I wish for NOTHING MORE then to be able to help you and your son through all this tormoil. You have endoured such hardships your entire life. BOTH OF YOU. I just really feel deep down that the cat needs to be taken out of the picture for now. A pet can be reintroduced later, once you have established the issues your son is having with THIS pet. It may be just as simple as she ISNT the pet who has just passed away, and that is why he is mean to her. I know you said he is extremly good at verbalizing, but is it possible that even YOU forget that he is still only 4? Take away al the trauma he has been through, and he is still just a very small child learning impulse control and emotions. Add to that the trauma AND Possible sensory issue, and you have a very unique situation.

I would like to add that I always had a cat when I was younger. We got him when I was about your sons age, maybe a little older. He was already a year old when we got him, and he wasn't a lap cat by any stretch. I would hold him as much as I could until he would scratch me with his back claws and I couldn't hold him anymore. Then he would attack my ankles. This went on for YEARS. My mother would scold me all the time to "stop torturing the cat!". I am sure I even yanked his tail a few times because he would NOT let me hold him or whatever (He just wasn't an affectionate cat, and then I probably sealed the deal by antagonizing him all the time) I am happy to report that I am not a serial killer, I do not enjoy harming animals, and am repulsed when I hear a news story of neglected animals or tortured ones. I had a cat of my very own from the time I was 20 til right before I had my first son. (She now lives at my moms) I do not miss not having a cat anymore, as I am way to busy, but I am not an animal hater by any stretch. Just wanted to give you a little hope that your sons behavior right now might not "mean" anything at all.
 
#164 ·
Hi Barbie and all:

Thanks for the reply. Sorry I haven't replied sooner. It's been a busy time.

My son has once again calmed down with the cat situation and is treating her appropriately. Both my therapist and my son's therapist think that his behavior with the cat isn't something to be concerned about right now. I don't know that I agree, but I am putting the decision on the back burner for right now. She is going to get spayed tomorrow, so I hope I will be able to get him to leave her alone during the recovery period. If not, I may have to devise some sort of lock to keep him out of the laundry room where she will be sequestered.

I've realized that he is doing this to the cat to get my attention, once he realized it gave him a HUGE reaction. He hasn't hurt her in the past few days at all and has been really wonderful with her, but he will imitate her little squeek/yowl sound and then say, "Mommy, I just pulled her tail," with a smile on his face when I know he hasn't done that, then he looks to me for some huge blow up of a reaction. I have just sort of ignored it, and I think he's now realizing that he's not going to get this big reaction from that.

The book Transforming Your Difficult Child says that to children parents are like this big complicated toy with lots of flashing lights and sounds and expressions and that most of the time kids get a much more "interesting" reaction from bad behavior than from good. I think this is such a good point and something I am trying to be really aware of! When I first thought about this, I thought that was such a crazy concept. Why would a child want a bunch of negative energy? (I know this is a very common concept in psychology, especially with kids, but it just seemed weird to me as a parent.) But I see now that this is exactly what my son does. If I am exhausted and lying like a dead body on the couch while he plays on the carpet at my feet, and if I don't get up and play after a few requests, he's going to do something big and bad to get my attention. Somehow I need to figure out how to be less exhausted (maybe meth is a good option? JUST KIDDING!!!!) but I haven't hit on any magic solution there. I know he needs more energy from me, but more positive energy. I think all kinds of parents don't give as exciting of a reaction for good things. You say, "Please go and brush your teeth," and if they do this, many parents (not all, but many) might not even react much, or may just say, "Good job!" in a mildly enthusiastic tone. However, if a child doesn't do something and you've asked him/her ten times, or is doing something really awful, eventually, you might blow, which is like a 10 on the intensity scale compared to the 0-2 response of the "Good job." I need to work on upping the intensity of the positive feedback. THIS KID LIKES INTENSE. He's intense and also likes intense! This also seems to fit with the sensory-seeking issues.

A while back, when he'd do something I liked or wanted him to do, I'd run in and almost scream, "You did it! GOOOOOD JOB!" then pick him up and jump up and down and spin him around frantically, and he just loved it. This is the kind of reaction he wants. The problem is that my son needs the energy of about 3-4 adults, and I am one adult with very limited energy. When he was a baby (from 6 months to 2 years), we lived with my parents, and he would exhaust all three of us every single day. He needed us to dance with him for 2-3 hours to get him to sleep (holding him and singing and dancing), otherwise he would just scream and cry and never sleep.

I feel like I have aged visually 15 years in just the last four years. I am so tired. Sometimes I think I should just quit my job and go join a commune somewhere, stop working so hard and just take care of my son. That's another conversation for another time.

Today was a good day. He listened. He helped me do dishes and actually did a great job and made the process faster, not slower, which is a big improvement! We had no time outs, no hurting the cat.

I even saw him make a really good decision today when it came to emotional control!
We had given the cat a bath, and I put a towel on the couch for her to lie on since she was still a bit damp. He didn't want her on the couch, for some reason, and kept taking her off, taking the towel, etc. He was very upset about her being on the couch. I tried to help him work through it, but he was just getting more and more mad. We were about in the time-out zone, when he decided he was going into the bedroom to have some space. I said, very neutrally, "That's a great idea! Maybe you can have some space to yourself and read some books, and then come out when you feel better." I was very nice, even though he was super pissed and I had been pissed, and I offered to cover him with a blanket and was nurturing. (I wouldn't have done this if he hit me or something, but he had just been verbally angry.) I then closed the door and left. He came out in about 10-15 minutes and was totally fine with the cat being on the couch. It was great! I later complimented him on how he handled that and how he avoided a big tantrum and time out. He seemed really proud! If only I could have more of these moments!!!!!

I just wish I could somehow increase my patience. I used to be SOOO patient, but now, not so much. It's like my patience is running on empty. I just keep holding on to hope that this will get better.

We won't be able to get in to see the sensory processing disorder specialists until March, but once we do that, I am hoping that will really help! I will keep everyone posted.

~Bisou
 
#166 ·
Hi Barbie:

Thanks. That means a lot! We're back in a good/better phase with my son, so I tend to post less. Whenever things are really bad (which can be often, unfortunately!) this is one of my few outlets.

I have decided to keep the kitty, for now. She had to get spayed, which I was really worried about since he had been rough with her. I was worried that he could really hurt her if she was recovering from surgery!!! But since she was almost 8 months old, I couldn't wait any longer. She was going to go into heat any time. Thankfully, my son has been completely wonderful with her. I told him he couldn't pick her up until the vet said it was ok, and he hasn't tried once. He has been a wonderful caretaker, extremely gentle to her and looking out for her (like making sure she doesn't jump down from high furniture and calling me to come get her). THIS is the little boy I know, at least when it comes to animals. I have been really building him up, telling him he is "such a GOOD owner" and how great it is that he is keeping the kitty safe, and I think he is feeling really good about himself for how he's acting with her.

We've still been working on the point/credit system outlined in the book Transforming the Difficult Child, and I think it's working REALLY well. He's been getting more and more points every day. Last night he was on this cleaning spree where he was just picking up all his toys, emptying the garbage, helping with dishes, putting dirty clothes in the laundry, and wiping counters down with a sponge, ALL ON HIS OWN! I started to think perhaps my REAL son had been abducted by aliens and replaced with this one, and wow, those poor aliens!!! Just kidding.


I have also been focusing on really getting a decent amount of sleep. I've been going to sleep when my son does, even if the house is a mess and I have work to do. I used to stay up for several hours, working until I collapsed, and I just had absolutely NO energy. I've only been going to bed at the same time as my son for a few days, and I am already noticing a HUGE difference. I think this is really helping my patience. When I am exhausted, I have NO patience, and I need an endless supply with this child. In order to avoid meltdowns, I have to be super creative, smart, and energetic. I have to be funny and entertaining. It's freaking exhausting. But having hours and hours of massive tantrums is MORE exhausting.

Anyway, thanks for checking in. I just keep hoping that we have fewer ups and downs and more consistent ups. I hope as he gets older that he will be able to regulate his emotions more. I know it might not work out that way, but I can hope! He has been doing a good job, at times, of going into his room and taking a time out HIMSELF before he gets himself in trouble. When I see him starting to blow, sometimes he decides to go in there, and sometimes I encourage him, and it works at times at letting him cool down, lay on the bed, read some books, and just have some space. I am hoping to get him to move more in this direction. This sort of intervention was absolutely impossible with him in the past, so this is a HUGE change.

I hope everyone has a great weekend!

~Bisou
 
#167 ·
Just wanted to quickly post the suggestion that you have your son evaluated for sensory processig disorder (also known as sensory integration disorder). Some of his behaviors could be interpreted as seeking certain types of sensory stimulation, and often kids who are under-responsive to sensory input can be out of control physically and get very aggressive seeking physical sensations (pressure, vestibular stimulation, etc.). Also, have you tried any sort of dietary changes, such as a gluten or dairy free diet, FAILSAFE, Feingold, etc.? Often food intolerances can cause behavior issues. I have a friend whose son gets totally out of control if he has dairy or food dye. Another has a daughter who acts autistic if she gets exposed to any gluten.
 
#168 ·
Hi Pookietooth (interesting name, by the way!)~

If you had been able to read the thread (I know---it's LOOOONNGGG!), you'd see that sensory processing disorder was suggested by someone else, and I did follow up on that. The initial screening by my son's therapist showed a marked difference in his sensory processing, so we are now on the long wait list at the occupational therapist.

Thanks for pointing that out though! A few people mentioned it, and it was never something I'd heard of before, so I appreciate everyone's help with this!!!

~Bisou
 
#170 ·
I have a friend with a son who is exactly like your son. Her son is 10 or 11 now. The problem you will/could face down the line is puberty makes these issues *so* much worse
and he will be bigger and stronger.

My friend has had her son on the drugs you've mentioned and all types of therapies. She had to come a SAHM. The school sends him home when he was out of control.

He is such a GREAT kid when he isn't melting down. When he is melting down, he honestly doesn't care or doesn't comprehend the damage it does in one way or another.

My oldest is bipolar and severe OCD plus anxiety (general and social). We didn't SEE it until he was 12. Puberty kicked it into high gear. Before we thought maybe he was just spoiled, being an only, oldest grandchild ect... And for him, it really wasn't too bad. Until he hit 12.
He threw an (old school LOL) TV at us once when he couldn't get home *right now* (because he was overly anxious and couldn't control it). And then threw a bicycle. And then my freshly folded laundry. Plus anything else he could easily get to. It was terrible.
We had him on a lot of different drugs, trying to find the right combo. Sadly, they made him gain weight (over 100#'s in 2 years), which fueled the depression. Plus they made him feel sluggish.
He is off of the drugs now. I wish a doctor would prescribe him xanax, for when the attacks hit extremely hard (for 6m he wouldn't leave the house, and on and off for a year, he didn't leave his bedroom except for the bathroom and to eat).
He has gotten his bi-polar mostly under control, but his anxieties are still something he is trying to work out. He has severe social and general anxiety.

I know you are dead set against trying the meds, but your son can always go off... drugs really helped my son through a few extremely rough years.
 
#171 ·
Hi Pookietooth and everyone:

No problem about not reading the whole thread. It's a long one! We have our appointment with an occupational therapist in March, so I am hoping that will be helpful for us.

I also finally looked into the Feingold Diet, and from what I've read, my son and I have already been eating following those guidelines, more or less. We eat a 90% organic vegetarian diet and don't eat anything with artificial colorings, flavorings, or sweeteners. Also, I haven't noticed anything with wheat or dairy. His moods never really seem to correlate with anything he's eaten, unless he's simply hungry. That can definitely bring on a meltdown. Being tired or hungry are two of the worst, but I know this is an issue for many children.

I have thought about keeping a daily log of his activities, diet, mood, and tantrums (what sets them off, what resolves them, if anything), but that seems like a lot to add to my already insane list of things I have to do each day.

We hit another patch of really bad days this last week, especially last Sunday and Monday. He hit me pretty bad both days, and this is something he hasn't done for a while, at least not THIS bad. He slapped me so hard I saw stars on Sunday. This kid is very strong for his age and has great motor skills, so he is able to aim and strike with extreme accuracy, which isn't so great for me when he's in one of those moods.

I have been sticking with the prescribed time out program, but on Monday, he was in time out for almost 6-7 hours, off and on. He would be in time out, get out of time out, then immediately do something else and go right back into time out. I kept asking him to calm down, and he was just screaming and sobbing, "I CAN'T. I CAN'T. I NEED HELP. I NEED HELP." I felt so bad for him and he was just begging me to sit with him, but so many of the books say that if you give a child positive attention (sitting with him in time out, giving him attention) for negative behavior, the negative behavior will continue. This is something I didn't agree with before and I was very sold on attachment parenting, but when his behavior continued to get worse, I decided my AP practices maybe weren't working.

But unfortunately the rigid time out thing isn't working either, most of the time. Whenever I have to put him in time out, things escalate, but I keep being told by therapists, books, and others that I just need to stick it out, be strong, and "make him mind." I am told that if I give in, I will only increase his bad behavior.

It's all so confusing. When I follow my instincts, it doesn't work, and when I follow what's recommended, that doesn't work either. Or some things work great one day then not the next.

Now I am thinking about re-considering the time out approach. Maybe I should sit with him and try to help him calm down. To her credit, my son's therapist (when I described the situation to her) did recommend that perhaps I should try to calm him down by sitting with him and that helping him calm down was more important and more beneficial for him than being rigid about it. One thing I do like about her is that she always modifies her approach to try to find something that works.

All that said, I am starting to think maybe I won't be able to affect his behavior enough to make a significant change. Maybe medication will be needed, though I am not totally ready to accept that yet. The side effects scare me. Not knowing what it could do to his brain, giving him yet another thing to deal with on top of what he's already dealing with, scares me.

It's very hard. It's very lonely, especially as a single mom. I haven't had a date in over 5 years (since before I was pregnant). I can't spend time with my friends with my son because he often causes major problems with my friends' children, and we have to leave. I don't have much time to socialize when he's at my parents' because I need to work during that time. Sometimes I feel like I'm trapped in a terrible situation from which there is no escape. I keep trying to find ways to eke out a tiny bit of happiness for myself, and I am not giving up yet.

Thanks everyone, as usual, for everything. You all have been my lifeline!!!!
 
#172 ·
Hi GracieLynn:

I have so much sympathy for parents in situations like yours. I can totally sympathize. It's so incredibly difficult. It just seems like there are no good answers, especially when dealing with behavioral problems or possible mental illness in kids. If I could have one magical wish, it would be for some amazing blood test or brain scan that could give a definite answer and let us know what our children were deficient in or allergic to or whatever so we would know exactly what to do to treat them.

I had a dear friend named Erin who was schizophrenic. The schizophrenia came on suddenly, in her mid to late 20s, and she quickly went downhill. I saw my once-brilliant friend, a college professor and novelist, suddenly afraid to eat around me because she feared I had poisoned her food. They put her on every kind of medication possible trying to find one that would work. One made her gain 40 pounds in a matter of weeks. Another made her drool uncontrollably. Another make her shake uncontrollably. And the worst of it was that they'd make her aware of her surroundings just enough to know that she was a) crazy and b) having these terrible, humiliating (to her) side effects. It was absolutely awful watching her go through that. She finally couldn't handle it anymore and took her own life.

I've also had my own experiences with mental health drugs. I've suffered from depression off and on since my teen years, and I've tried several different anti-depressants. I haven't taken any in the last five years or so, and I have turned to acupuncture and Chinese medicine instead, which has been very effective for me. But I had several bad experiences with the anti-depressants I tried, including worsened depression, anxiety when I'd never had anxiety before, weight gain, shaking, uncontrollable yawing along with shaking, memory/thinking problems, and those lovely electric feeling "zaps" that people talk about with some medications. On top of all that, I usually didn't feel that great and still felt pretty depressed!

These experiences make me worried to give something like this to my son. It's not something I take lightly AT ALL.

This is not to be critical of any parent who has chosen to give their child medication. It might be something I have to consider down the road. I am just not there yet.
 
#174 ·
Hey, there was an article in the most recent "Brain, Child" magazine that sounds somewhat similar to your story. It's not online now, but it's called "Love with Teeth." The author's blog is http://nopointsforstyle.blogspot.com/. It might make you feel like you're not the only person in the world going through this.
"Nobody who is living this hard, hard life of raising a child who is extremely volatile (whatever it ends up being officially called: autism, a mental illness, or any of the alphabet soup diagnoses: ADHD, SPD, ODD, OCD, etc.) is doing it gracefully! Yes, I'm sure some do better than others. I'm one of the "others" in some circles, part of the "some" in others. We all are. It's a hard life. I'd like to see every one of us give ourselves a break, because we do the best we can."
 
#175 ·
Hi MamaJen and all:

Thanks for the article. I will definitely check it out. I've been extremely sick with some sort of flu for the past three days, and it's been really hard. I've had a constant temp around 101-102, and I have no one to help me. My son REALLY acts out when I am sick or under the weather at all (even tired). I had to keep him home with me yesterday because I don't have childcare on Mondays, and it was very hard. I desperately needed sleep, but if I ever started to dose a bit on the couch while he was playing at my feet, he'd just scream "WAKE UP" in my ear. Then he started moving furniture, scratching our wood floors. I was telling him to stop, but he wouldn't listen, and I was SOOOOO sick and barely able to move that I just couldn't handle it.

Being a sick single mom is really the WORST.

I decided to take him to daycare today so I could rest, but of course he didn't want to go. He said, "If you take me I am going to punch Ethan* in the face. I am going to kill Ethan." (*Ethan is not the child's real name.) Ethan is only two years old. My son kept talking about how much he hates Ethan and how he was going to be mean to him and hurt him if he had to go to school.

I am just so sick that I had to take him, and I also didn't think it was good to encourage his threatening behavior. On the way down to the car, he was hitting me in the legs, kicking and hitting everything we walked by, and screaming "I HATE YOU" the entire way to the car. It was not fun.

I wish my parents would be able to help me with my son when I am so sick like this, but they both work. The only way to have them help me would be for them to take a day off work. I wish they would though. I really really need help. I am just desperate for help today, for someone to just come take my son so I can rest.

Mushka--Thanks for the hug. I need it!

~Bisou
 
#176 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by Bisou View Post
I am just so sick that I had to take him, and I also didn't think it was good to encourage his threatening behavior. On the way down to the car, he was hitting me in the legs, kicking and hitting everything we walked by, and screaming "I HATE YOU" the entire way to the car. It was not fun.
Goodness! I wish I had time to read this entire thread. It sounds like you've had a rough go lately!

I just wanted to ask how you handled this situation. Did you stop and get down to his level to validate his feelings? Or did you continue walking, dragging him the whole way? The only reason I bring it up is because this REALLY sounds like a child who needs to be heard. Granted I could be way off base, not reading this thread. Or maybe you already tried it and got nowhere?

I really wish I could help more... 9 pages of replies though is quite something though!! There are some really great people here.
 
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