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Help! Severe Aggressive/Defiant Behavior!

50K views 493 replies 134 participants last post by  Surfacing 
#1 ·
I am a single mother of a 4-year-old son with extreme behavioral problems, and I am desperate for your help as I am not liking what the medical community is offering us (medication, of course).

Here's the main point of concern so I can make my "thesis" clear. For over two years, I've been dealing with serious behavioral problems with my son including extreme aggression and destructive behavior. He has severely injured me on many occasions. I have sought therapy for him and both his therapist and the behavioral/developmental pediatrician we saw are recommending medication. The pediatrician prescribed Risperdal, which is an extremely serious anti-psychotic medication. My parents are not supportive of me giving him medication, and I am not sold on the idea either (as I know most of you probably wouldn't be), but I am at my wit's end with his behavior. I am posting here as a last-ditch effort to get some ideas that might help me deal with my son. Medication is NOT what I want to do, but I am feeling desperate. Also, the doctor and therapist (a psychologist) along with his regular pediatrician say that if his behavior continues, he is building neural pathways that will stay with him for the rest of his life. They say once this behavior becomes entrenched, it will only get worse. They say, "If you have a hard time controlling him now and keeping him from hurting you, what about when he's 8 or 10 years old?" I am scared, angry, and frustrated with this situation, and of course I blame myself.

Just to give you some context for my situation, his father is not involved at all and has never met him, and though I have some help from my parents (they usually watch him one night per week, though they are not at all emotionally supportive), I am raising this child primarily on my own. My parents live an hour and a half away, so when my son has these hideous tantrums, which can last as long as 6-8 hours at times, I have no one to call to help me, and I can't handle it at times.

We had a very hard time from the beginning. He hated breastfeeding (or so it appeared) and screamed, pushed me away, and scratched me every time I tried. I didn't give up, but it took six months and a million visits to a lactation consultant to really be successful with it. He cried a lot and was colicky as well. He was hardly ever content.

The aggression began early. Even at 18 months, my son showed signs of aggressive behavior, trying to slam his head backwards into my face. He succeeded in giving me bloody noses and split my lip on several occasions. People would ask me if someone punched me in the face. I don't know why he did it, but he seemed angry and it seemed very intentional, even though I know he didn't really understand what he was doing.

(ADDENDUM: Since posting this originally, and thanks to a few MDC moms for recognizing it, my son has been diagnosed with Sensory Processing Disorder and has sensory seeking behavior as part of his SPD. He is unable to tell where his body is in space and has difficulty gauging how hard/soft he is doing things. In light of this, his behavior at 18 months is now clearly related to SPD. While I thought he "seemed angry," it was because he seemed to be trying to hurt me; however, the behavior wasn't happening in response to a "no" or any sort of discipline from me. I interpreted his body language in trying to slam into me as anger, but emotionally he didn't seem angry. It was just random. I don't believe he was being aggressive at that age now, just having difficulties with sensory processing.)

As far as discipline goes, I began with attachment parenting and was very committed to the idea. I breastfed him for two years and didn't put him in childcare until he was two years old. We co-slept and still do. I didn't circumcise him because I felt it was unnecessary and violent. I felt like I was doing everything "right" and that he would be a happy, healthy, loving child. I wanted to show him nothing but love and kindness, which is very different from what I got as a child.

I used very gentle discipline. If he hurt me, I would say, "We do not hit. Hitting hurts mommy." I was later told by therapists, nannies, parents, and doctors that my gentle approach to discipline was what caused his aggressive, out-of-control behavior.

Then, my son was seriously abused at a daycare when he was two, which only made things worse. We had to change daycares, obviously, and he would be extremely aggressive towards the other children any time I was around. He would hit, slap, push kids down, grab and pinch their faces, and once he even grabbed another child's head and started slamming it into the wall as hard as he could, over and over, while everyone screamed in horror and ran towards him as quickly as we could to make him stop. It was horrifying and humiliating. Everyone looked at me with horror and shock on their faces and said, "Why would he do this?"

Keep in mind that he had never watched a single TV show, had never seen someone be violent to another person, had never been physically brutalized by a loved one himself, though I will never know exactly what happened to him at that daycare. I do know that the skin was pretty much ripped off his testicles when the teacher (according to both the doctor's assessment and mine) apparently twisted his testicles for punishment, or torture, or who knows what.

I understand that the abuse he faced certainly impacted his behavior. He was angry and scared, and I still see him as a very angry, scared child. He seems to direct all his anger at me.

I can't count the number of black eyes and bloody noses he's given me. I am fairly sure he has even broken my nose. He has destroyed things, thrown heavy objects at my head, broken lamps, urinated on the couch on purpose (while in a time out), and so many awful things I can't even list them all, nor do I want to.

We have also faced several very stressful situations, one right after another. In addition to the abuse at his daycare, we also had the extremely traumatizing experience of having someone try to break into our house in May when we were there alone. It took the police 30 minutes to arrive, and I later found out (which I knew in my heart at the time) that the person was trying to get in to our house not to steal things, but to hurt me. He lived across the street, but I did not know him. He intended to rape me and cut me up with a box cutter. It's not clear whether he intended to hurt my son, but he knew my son and I lived there alone. My son was awake during the whole incident and we were both extremely terrified.

After this, we obviously had to move, as the attacker's relatives lived directly across the street from us and I didn't feel safe. We had to leave all of our friends that we had known for two years, and my son had to leave all the kids he played with daily.

Only a few weeks after this happened when we were still living with my parents and commuting 3 hours each day to work and preschool, a teacher at my son's Waldorf preschool (yes! Waldorf!) called to tell me that the director of the school had physically force-fed my son on several occasions, shoving a spoon through his closed lips while he sobbed for mommy. He had been particularly clingy when I dropped him off, but I thought it was due to the extreme stress we'd been under after the break-in. This teacher reported the force feeding as child abuse to the child care division and quit her job, and I immediately removed my son from that school. (Another teacher also witnessed the incident and confirmed that the account was true.) Yet another devastating change for him, as he lost all the friends he had made. It's been one loss, trauma, and tragedy for us (and my son in particular) after another.

Sorry this is so long, but there are so many pieces to this terrible puzzle that I feel I need to share.

Since he was a little over two, right after the child abuse at daycare and the aggressive behavior towards other children surfaced, I have been taking him to see a play therapist, and she has advised me to use time outs for any behavior that harms himself, harms others, or destroys belongings. Time outs do not seem to work for him and only escalate the situation until it turns into a complete physical battle. He is hitting, kicking, screaming, biting, and doing anything he can to fight me. He always hurts me, and I lose my temper and can become rough with him or emotionally abusive. This poor parenting on my part has been a new thing; somehow in the past I usually kept it together, but I am just burned out.

He will not stay in time out. He will come out of time out and continue to hit, bite, throw things and generally be out of control. Have been instructed by our therapist (who is generally very kind, rational, and reasonable; I do like her, overall) to restrain him and physically force him to stay in time out by sitting behind him and wrapping his arms around himself, as if he's in a straight-jacket. This usually results in him trying to bash me with his head or bite me, so sometimes I have to sit him in a chair and hold his arms over his head. I often have to drag him kicking and screaming into time out, since he refuses to go to time out.

I absolutely HATE, despise, and detest having to have these physical confrontations with him, like we are in a battle. I am only 5'2" and he is now 3'7" and a very muscular, strong kid. Even though he is only four, he is very hard to restrain and control. It just doesn't feel right, and it's very hard for me because I was very physically abused as a child, and it really triggers me. I feel like I am in an abusive relationship with someone who is hitting me and hurting me, and I want to leave, every fiber of my being is screaming "WALK AWAY BEFORE YOU LOSE IT!" but I can't walk away. He's only four. I can't leave him alone.

As I mentioned above, he has been in therapy for two years, and his therapist and behavioral pediatrician recommend that he take Risperdal, which is an anti-psychotic. This is a serious medication, given to schizophrenics and aggressive autistic children, and giving it to my son would be considered an "off label" use, but it's supposedly the only medication used to treat aggressive behavior in children. I do not like the idea of him taking medication AT ALL.

My parents completely disagree with medication, and of course blame his behavior on me because his behavior is most severe when he is with me. He doesn't act this way at school, and while he does have tantrums and aggressive behavior when he's at my parent's house, it's probably only 25% as much as he does it with me, if not less. I feel like if he's not acting this way at school or as much with my parents, it must be something I am doing wrong. The behavioral pediatrician said that it just shows he has awareness of what's socially appropriate and that after holding it in all day, he blows his fuse when he's with me because he feels safe doing so with me..

In addition to the traumas he's been through (abuse, force-feeding, break-in attempt, loss of friends and home), I think there may be some genetic components, as his father was a very mentally unhealthy person who exhibited many of the same behaviors of being kind, loving, and calm one minute and in a complete irrational fury the next.

I don't want to put him on medication, and I blame myself for not being able to have an impact on his behavior. I don't know what to do. I am afraid that the stress of fighting with him on a daily basis could lead to me becoming abusive. I already see myself going in the direction of emotional abuse, saying awful things to him that I hate myself for saying, like "I don't want to be around you. I don't want to talk to you. Just leave me alone." Of course I feel like crap after saying that, and I never said things like that until only recently. I feel like I've been patient for so long and I've finally run out of patience. He's only four, for God's sake, but I feel like I am in an abusive situation and I want to leave, but I can't. If I had someone to call when I am at my wit's end to just have a break for a few minutes, it would help so much, but I don't have any family here, and all my friends have children, and who'd want to come in to deal with a hitting, biting, kicking, screaming, spitting child? No one. So I am left to deal with it even when I feel like I can't. I love him, but more than once I've felt like just walking out the door and not coming back. I can't imagine living without him, but I can't live with him either. I feel like I am completely at my wit's end.

He constantly hurts me, and makes me late for work by having tantrums that make it impossible to get us out the door, which puts me under extreme stress. We live in a high rise apartment complex and I fear us getting evicted because he is screaming blood-curdling screams on a daily basis, sometimes for hours!

I have also lost several friendships because of this because my friends don't want their children around him. I haven't even attempted dating since I was pregnant, because I can't imagine any man wanting to be around a child who acts like this.

From time to time, he can be very sweet and kind. He loves animals, especially cats, and is extremely gentle with them. He can be very loving with me, but his kindness comes only sporadically and can be followed immediately by an angry, violent outburst towards me. Even things he enjoys, like offers from me of going swimming, to the park, out to eat, etc can bring about anger. It's completely irrational.

On the positive side, he is an extremely bright child (off the charts with his vocabulary) and both intellectually and physically talented. He could run at 9 months, and just before his 4th birthday was riding a bike without training wheels! He has so many strengths, and I wish we could see more of those and less of the emotional outbursts.

I've tried using positive reinforcement instead of negative, trying incentives like sticker charts and prizes, but he hates sticker charts and rewards most of the time, and will even get angry if you tell him he did a great job on a task and offer to reward him. He is a completely baffling child much of the time.

I am at my wit's end, but I love my son and want things to change. I don't want to put him on this medication. It seems like there MUST be another way, but I am physically and emotionally exhausted, and nothing I do seems to be working. Has anyone else dealt with severe behavioral problems? If so, what did you do? HELP!!!!!!
 
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#202 ·
Have you tried melatonin for sleep? A lot of this may be exacerbated by lack of sleep. Melatonin is natural (well, the supplement is a synthetic version of what our bodies naturally produce) and is widely used and regarded as safe in children. It comes in many forms, including a very mild tasting liquid - my kids take .5 mL, which represents a dosage of 1.5 mg, every night diluted in a tiny bit of water and my son has SPD and is VERY particular about what he'll put in his mouth.

As for spectrum. First, I'm not saying he's on the spectrum, but he does demonstrate some characteristics and a counsellor is not qualified to rule it in or out. Also, it's a spectrum so he could have PDD-NOS (pervasive developmental disorder-not otherwise specified), where there's defininely PDD but it's more subtle and hard to tease out as spectrum vs something else. Spectrum also frequently co-occurs with other things a lot of the time - so, say, spectrum plus ADHD. Most kids on the spectrum also have SPD.

As for the intelligence piece, many individuals with asperger's are highly intelligent, but you can have asperger's and average IQ. You can also be physically adept, funny, empathetic and a bunch of other things that the stereotype says you can't be.

Spectrum is a tough one - my son is not on the spectrum, but is often mistaken as such. He has many spectrum-like behaviours and proclivities, but just doesn't meet the criteria. I have read extensively on the topic at this point, and each individual is so different.

Someone here recommended the Oasis Guide to Asperger's Syndrome, and it's a great book.

I am glad you're finding strategies that work. Discipline really does mean to teach, and doesn't mean compliance or quick fixes. Have faith that he always means to do his best. If you look at it this way, and you look at misbehaviour as a child being overwhelmed and unable to control himself, sitting down to help him re-centre is actually discipline - you are coaching him on behaviours that calm him and allow him to make better choices in the future.
 
#203 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by Bisou View Post
Hi Joensally:

Thanks so much for all this info!!! I have copied all the links and will be looking into this.

Man, when I am done, I will have an entire library of books about parenting, discipline, and special needs!

I already feel embarrassed when anyone comes over because, geez, it looks like I have some major problems!

Here's just a small glimpse at my bookshelf:
  • Transforming the Difficult Child
  • The Explosive Child
  • The Challenging Child
  • The Discipline Book
  • Playful Parenting
  • The Out of Sync Child
  • The Kadzin Method for Parenting the Defiant Child
  • The No Cry Sleep Solution for Toddlers and Preschoolers
  • Raising the Spirited Child
I won't even list the 100 books on MY personal self-help list!!!

Basically, if you were in my house and didn't know me, you'd think I had some serious problems!

Well, to be fair, maybe I do.



I keep those kinds of books in my bedroom
.

I'm pretty sure all of my links included extensive previews of the books so you may end up not needing to buy them. Kids with SNs are expensive, so any cost savings is a good thing!
 
#204 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by joensally View Post

Have faith that he always means to do his best.
Thank you for this. I lose sight of this idea so often, and fall back on yelling, and we all know how well that works!


Bisou, one good day is a start. Even if it is followed by two weeks of not so good, you had those hours of calm and happiness. I really like how your son can focus on himself and really articulate his needs. The timer comment is classic, he sounds like an interesting kid.
 
#205 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by Bisou View Post

As far as discipline goes, I began with attachment parenting and was very committed to the idea. I breastfed him for two years and didn't put him in childcare until he was two years old. We co-slept and still do. I didn't circumcise him because I felt it was unnecessary and violent. I felt like I was doing everything "right" and that he would be a happy, healthy, loving child. I wanted to show him nothing but love and kindness, which is very different from what I got as a child.
Going back to your original post, it sounds like you did everything "right" but yet you haven't mentioned his vaccination status. Having researched for several years now on the issue of neurological damage caused by vaccines, was just wondering if this was even a possibility in your sons case or not. Are you able to elaborate on his vaccination status: vaxed on schedule? non-vaxed? partially or selectively? delayed? etc. (any vaccines for you during pregnancy or breastfeeding?)

Read a great book about a year ago called When Your Doctor is Wrong, Hepatitis B Vaccine and Autism

Described her sons struggles with sensory processing disorder in great detail (and why she believes it began with the Hep B shot at birth and was exacerbated with subsequent shots)

Just another angle to consider in your long journey towards finding healing for your son. I'm also a fan of Dr Moulden as well.
 
#206 ·
I didn't have time to read all the responses to see if you got this information or not, but I couldn't read your post and not reply. I have a friend who's son at 4 years old was a milder version of your son. I found some resources for her and wanted to share them with you. First is THINK: KIDS http://www.thinkkids.org/ these guys have tons of experience with agressive kids at the time I found it I believe they were advocating no drugs, but I'm not positive... anyway... they are experts in this so better than a local doc who only sees a few cases of this ever in his life... the other is Alfie Kohn http://www.alfiekohn.org/index.php he offers books and talks and is probly avail for consultation for a fee.

Hope one of these is helpful.
 
#207 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by Bisou View Post
Thanks for the local resources! I will definitely check that out.

How old is your son? You can PM me if you'd like.

He is 5. I will say that very much around his birthday he took a bit of a step up in maturity- but that it doesn't erase many other issues. It's very tiring, his mind is SO ACTIVE and he hates that I can't/don't want to always keep up with him. One thing that has been good for him (cause I'm sure you don't have enough ideas!) is yoga- Believe Movement Studio up here in NoPo has family yoga on wknds for $5 adult, $2 child. I know we need all the positive activities we can, otherwise it turns into the 'beat up the parents' party.
 
#208 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by sfreed4575 View Post
I didn't have time to read all the responses to see if you got this information or not, but I couldn't read your post and not reply. I have a friend who's son at 4 years old was a milder version of your son. I found some resources for her and wanted to share them with you. First is THINK: KIDS http://www.thinkkids.org/ these guys have tons of experience with agressive kids at the time I found it I believe they were advocating no drugs, but I'm not positive... anyway... they are experts in this so better than a local doc who only sees a few cases of this ever in his life... the other is Alfie Kohn http://www.alfiekohn.org/index.php he offers books and talks and is probly avail for consultation for a fee.

Hope one of these is helpful.
Hi Sfreed:

Thanks for the info. I will definitely look into this! Though sometimes all the information seems overwhelming, I am of the school of "the more I know, the better," and I just try to take one suggestion/idea at a time (except when it comes to books, and then I buy all 5-6 suggested and read them all at once!
)

It's always good to hear something I haven't heard of before.

Thanks again!


~Bisou
 
#209 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by joensally View Post
Have you tried melatonin for sleep? A lot of this may be exacerbated by lack of sleep. Melatonin is natural (well, the supplement is a synthetic version of what our bodies naturally produce) and is widely used and regarded as safe in children. It comes in many forms, including a very mild tasting liquid - my kids take .5 mL, which represents a dosage of 1.5 mg, every night diluted in a tiny bit of water and my son has SPD and is VERY particular about what he'll put in his mouth.

As for spectrum. First, I'm not saying he's on the spectrum, but he does demonstrate some characteristics and a counsellor is not qualified to rule it in or out. Also, it's a spectrum so he could have PDD-NOS (pervasive developmental disorder-not otherwise specified), where there's defininely PDD but it's more subtle and hard to tease out as spectrum vs something else. Spectrum also frequently co-occurs with other things a lot of the time - so, say, spectrum plus ADHD. Most kids on the spectrum also have SPD.

As for the intelligence piece, many individuals with asperger's are highly intelligent, but you can have asperger's and average IQ. You can also be physically adept, funny, empathetic and a bunch of other things that the stereotype says you can't be.

Spectrum is a tough one - my son is not on the spectrum, but is often mistaken as such. He has many spectrum-like behaviours and proclivities, but just doesn't meet the criteria. I have read extensively on the topic at this point, and each individual is so different.

Someone here recommended the Oasis Guide to Asperger's Syndrome, and it's a great book.

I am glad you're finding strategies that work. Discipline really does mean to teach, and doesn't mean compliance or quick fixes. Have faith that he always means to do his best. If you look at it this way, and you look at misbehaviour as a child being overwhelmed and unable to control himself, sitting down to help him re-centre is actually discipline - you are coaching him on behaviours that calm him and allow him to make better choices in the future.
Thanks for your great post! I never cease to be amazed at how knowledgeable MDC moms are. Really! It's just amazing how well read and researched everyone is--and so articulate too. As a college teacher (and one who teaches writing and research), it's really a breath of fresh air.
 
#210 ·
Hello all my MDC pals:

So, my son and I have been having a few good days!
I am not much of a religious person, but the word HALLELUJAH seems to fit.

It hasn't been perfect, of course, but I have been trying a lot more negotiation and we've been using the more gentle time out approach.

When he starts raging and screaming or if he does something he's not supposed to do (injure or try to injure me in some way, break things, throw things, etc), he has to go to the room and get on the bed and have a time out. He is still resisting this a lot of the time, but he's starting to like it, I think. He lies on the bed and I even let him look at books because this seems to calm him. I always have these conflicted feelings, like "I shouldn't let him look at books. That's like playing! This is supposed to be a punishment!" but then I keep trying to go back to the idea that the most important thing is getting him to calm down and not continue this behavior. I keep trying to hold on to that.

The nice thing about this new method is that it is removing me from having to deal with his rage, hitting, etc. The other day he was in the bedroom with the door closed and I was quietly and calmly cooking dinner. It was so nice! It gave me some breathing room and allowed me to calm down.

I always wanted to approach my parenting/discipline with a gentle touch, but when my son's behavior only got worse and worse and more and more aggressive, I was told by friends and professionals (therapists) that it was my gentle approach that caused his aggressive behavior. I thought, "Well, what I am doing obviously isn't working, so they must be right!" I went with the hardcore time out approach, time out at ALL costs. I was told that if I didn't make him stay in time out and hold him there, and that if I ever gave up, my son would surely be in the criminal justice system by the time he was 12, or even younger!

Now I know the improvement of the last few days isn't perfection or permanent, and I am sure we will have bad days ahead of us. But I do have to say that I feel, somehow, like we might be moving in a better direction.

The other day he got extremely angry because I turned off a TV show that he wasn't supposed to watch. He absolutely exploded. But, then I watched him go into the bedroom and SLAM the door so hard it shook the walls. I had to go into the bedroom a few minutes later, and he was lying on the bed, quietly reading a book. When I entered the room (I had to get something from out of there; we share a bedroom), he blew again and absolutely screamed at the top of his lungs, "GET OUT RIGHT NOW! I HATE YOU!" etc etc etc. I said, "Ok, I just needed to get this, but you don't need to scream at me." I have to admit that the screaming and slamming the door did anger me and seem inappropriate. I really wanted to crack down and put him in a time out the way we used to do it because I was angry and thought his behavior was so disrespectful and over the top. It really took every cell of my being to say, "Ok, so it's not good that he slammed the door and screamed at me in a disrespectful way, but he is basically putting himself in a time out and trying to calm down. That is a GOOD thing." So I just let him be, and he emerged a bit later calmed down!

It's so hard trying to find the balance between working with your child and being a wishy-washy pushover. I constantly worry about that. Am I being strict enough? Am I teaching him that it's ok to scream at me and say awful things to me and there will be no consequences?

But then I go back to the thought that it's better for him to scream and yell and then go into his bedroom to calm down than for him to hit me, bite me, spit on me, and for me to then lose it and scream at him, or even worse, yank him around or even hit him.


I was raised in a family where even an inappropriate facial expression (rolling the eyes, for example, or one that conveyed sarcasm or a lack of respect) could result in a massive beating. We were "spanked" (e.g. beaten until bruised, often from the backs of the knees to mid-back) for any transgression. If, after the "spanking," we walked too loudly ("stomped" in a rebellious fashion, according to dear old dad, showing defiance) when going to our rooms in tears, we would be brought out again for another round of spankings. It's hard to come from that background and try to be reasonable, especially with the explosive/aggressive/stubborn son that I have.

It's also hard when I have to try to reconcile my feelings/experiences with the opinions of friends, family, therapists, doctors, and the million books I've read, all of whom/which offer different ideas and approaches. It's so incredibly difficult!

But I am not giving up yet.

Unfortunately, I just found out my son and I will have to move again, for the second time in a year, because the person who owns our apartment is getting foreclosed. (Not exactly sure how to word that!) We moved in May/June 2009 because someone who lived across the street from us (but someone I'd never talked to) decided to break into our home to rape me and assault me with a box cutter. Thankfully he was unable to get in, but my son and I endured 30 minutes of complete fear and terror waiting for the police to arrive as he tried to break the door down.

Having to move again has definitely triggered me, making me feel unsafe again. Right now we live on the 11th floor of a high rise, which feels very safe and secure. I know the move will be very hard for both of us, and I am upset to know my poor boy will be living in his FOURTH home in about 3 years or so. We need some security. My son really has a hard time with changes, and I hate moving too, so this is hard. But I need to just accept that this is what it is and just move forward and try to be positive!

Anyway, overall, things are improving right now. Yesterday we had our first day in about five days that he didn't need a time out. In the previous three-four days, he had a time out on his bed, but stayed in there and maybe only had one or two in a day (as opposed to our usual HOURS and HOURS of time outs!), so this is a big improvement. I have to think about that and focus on that!

Thanks to all of my MDC angels for being there for me and my son!
 
#211 ·
That is just a horrible story. What happened to your son at daycare is horrific. I want to cry just reading what you and your son have been through.

I know how you feel about the meds. After I was on meds (anti-depressants) as a teenager, I said, OK for an adult, but not a kid. But you are in an extremely difficult situation. What I would suggest is getting several opinions from different psychiatrists. If you can find a psycho-pharmacologist, I would try one of them as well. They specifically deal with meds and will have more experience with different ones. I wouldn't want my kid to become a science experiment. I know I've been one and so has my father and so have many of my relatives.

Have you read the Spirited Child book? That might give you some everyday tools. Also, how much have you looked into schools? I think so often with a case like yours, finding the perfect school, or the perfect therapist, or the perfect babysitter makes a world of difference.

I'm sure you've already tried some of this, but I would think finding outlets for his aggression is so important. He's old enough to be in sports. That might help. My husband has somewhat of a temper and violent computer games (I know not the normal advice) help him. It gives him an outlet. Also, having a man around might help him. Have you tried one of those "big brother" programs? A guy might be able to understand the rage and redirect it in a positive way.

My daughter (17 mo.) is only high-needs, but another thing is that the rage she has comes from not being able to control her environment. I try to teach her how to do everything herself and give her tasks and responsibilities (yes, even as young as she is). You might have to start really really small, but I bet responsibilities like feeding the cat (?) might make him feel more in control.

I'm a little worried about your relationship with your parents. I know you need the help, but at what cost? Being around them probably makes you angry and your son might pick up on that. And do you leave him alone with them? Also, do you see any of your son's father in your son? Does that in any way make you feel differently about him? That's another thing your son could pick up on. I'm not a shrink and I'm probably talking a lot of nonsense, but you might ask yourself if you think anything environmental is having an impact.

Also, these things are so genetic. It sounds like your son's got stuff coming from both sides. The more you can find out about the boy's father's problems, that will probabably help. Maybe you have already, but I wanted to check.
 
#212 ·
After reading your list of traits, I wonder if you ever read the Fussy Baby book by Dr Sears. It's like your son is high-needs but to an extreme. You know it is so strange. My daughter (17 mo) has always hated putting clothes on (along with a host of other things), and now that she can talk she says "ow" when I put clothes on her. It makes me feel so awful. I always got the sense when she was an infant that she was more sensitive to pain.

Also, the head butting, my brother used to do that to my mother after watching Ram Man on TV. My mother was an only child and she had no idea what to do. There is some level violence in boys, I think (much worse in your case), and finding an outlet for it is important. That's why I'm just wondering if having a male play therapist might be helpful. My son used to throw pretty bad tantrums (not like your son), but he is perfectly normal now.

Another thought, I read a magazine article awhile ago, that they are studying whether a component in dirt acts as an anti-depressent which would explain why your son loves playing outdoors at your grandparents. I've heard other high needs babies love being outdoors. Outdoor exercise I think would be great. In Portland, there's tons of that, climbing, kayaking, hiking, etc. If your son could get into a program for one of those activities he might really thrive. Outward Bound for a four year old
. The suggestions about nature therapy also sound great. I now my father, lifetime of depression, spent a lot of time in his childhood, hanging out in the woods, getting lost and finding his way back. He's a tree trimmer part of the year and he always does much better during that time.

I know how you feel about the meds, completely. And although, after being on anti-depressants as a teen (when all of your emotions are all over the place), I felt that it was a mistake, I also feel like I might have had a lot more positive experiences in my childhood if my parents had accepted and treated my depression earlier on and not lived in denial about it. It's such a hard decision.

The social responses to other kids may be a kind of social anxiety. He sounds afraid of other kids, so finding ways for him to have positive, non-threatening experiences is probably going to be key.

I think UptownZoo has one of the best responses. When you find someone or a group of people in your same situation it will give you the strength you need.

Also, check out http://www.bringchange2mind.org/, and the facebook group.

I totally get you on the exhaustion from being entertaining and redirecting all of the time. No one talks about how much that takes out of you.
 
#213 ·
I've followed this a little bit and I think it is *awesome* that you have come across something that is working for you!


I wanted to say that a lot of the things I read in college (EC/SPED major, unfinished, long story) advocate exactly what you are doing, for children in general, but *especially* for those who are more agressive/expressive with their anger than most. Setting up an area where they can go to 'cool down' WITH ACTIVITIES THAT HELP THEM DO THAT. And beginning by taking them there when you see they need it.

I think it's a HUGE sign you are on the right track if he is taking *himself* there! And I am going to 'steal' this idea for dd, age 3, who is starting to throw things and slam doors. Like you said, it is much better for me to find a way to help both of us calm down than it is for me to get angry and end up yelling and/or hitting. (And it DOES DOES DOES address the behavior in the fact that you are not allowing the behavior to continue. That's the mantra I'm using on myself "I am NOT allowing the behavior to continue. I AM doing my job.")
 
#214 ·
As a mom of a girl who does NOT accept change well, I am always torn about how and when to let her know about changes. I'll be checking back to see how you put the idea of a new place to your son. Great news to hear that he is responding to your approach! As for other people, the heck with them!
 
#215 ·
Hi Bisou,

I've followed your thread from the beginning. I guess I haven't posted yet because I felt like I have no real advice or insight. But I certainly have been thinking of you guys, even to the point of lying awake in bed the other night trying to brainstorm ideas for you to help your son calm down (this after reading one of your posts when he was basically saying "please help me find a way to calm down - I don't know how to do it myself"). I have to say that your new approach to time outs seems like it just might be exactly what he needs. I know you're feeling some doubt about it so I wanted to (finally!) post to support you in what you're doing. You are a fantastic, amazing, awe-inspiring mama. This will certainly sound banal, but: keep up the good work!
 
#216 ·
Just a couple notes: 1. If you read Positive Discipline by Jane Nelson, and some other books, time out is not supposed to be punishment. In fact positive discipline is supposed to be about getting away from rewards and punishment. Time out is supposed to be about the child learning to calm down, and hopefully, as your son is doing, calming himself down. So, really, whatever calms him down is how it is supposed to be. The other thing those books talk about is making the kid feel capable and that helps with frustration tolerance. The more often he can calm down himself, the better he'll feel about himself. Maybe far down the road he could actually meditate or do some breathing exercises. I'm already starting those with my daughter, in hopes that she will be better able to deal with her temper than her father. 2. You might also try doing things in stages. Maybe right now you can only discipline him for major transgressions, but later on you might be able to work up to something bigger. You're doing great, especially considering the horrible background you came from. One thing I noticed about my husband (who has a temper), from day one of my high needs baby, was that he heard all of my dd's screams as anger, but I didn't. I always remember that my daughter, no matter what she is doing or saying, is only an innocent child and has little idea of what she is doing or saying. Maybe some kind of mantra like that could help you when you're really feeling angry. Also, underneath most anger is fear, so it might sound like anger, but really he's afraid. One last thing. I come from a negative environment and find it really hard to say positive things, so you may as well. I've learned both with kids and dogs that you have to always praise all that good behavior, no matter how minor. That's hard for me to do, but it goes a long way.
 
#217 ·
I agree with what fbsurvivor has written about the reward/punishment thing- it goes along with the Alfie Kohn recommendation mentioned earlier. I would also like to add John Holt in there. I know it may seem slightly off topic as he is most known to unschooling folks, but it seems that being an intelligent person makes it sometimes to really hard to fit in and to figure out ones space/place/dynamic in places that feel so insensitive. Maybe some activities as could be found on a blog for unschooling- like Sandra Dodd. http://sandradodd.com/unschooling -There is tons of stuff here. I go there and always find something i did not see that seems to be pertinent to the situation at hand. This is a specific section I find useful: http://sandradodd.com/life

And this opinion that I have is likely no help: I feel that your situation illustrates quite well the lack of real respect and support that mothers and children receive in North America.
I find myself - especially of late being a single mom of a 3 year old with all that that implies- that most of our problems with aggression and anger and tantrums, etc. would be rather successfully managed if I could just be mom- I mean not have to rely on daycare- not have to do everything to some schedule rather than take the time needed to work out a fear or a clingy response- not have to worry about losing my employment or my home-I do not know if I am being clear, but mom work is so hard sometimes- well all of the time but sometimes it is so very challenging- even without the added stress that you have experienced so much of lately. I really wish you were able to take a few years just to be a mom- Yeah i know it is fantasy - but I do wish there was a safety net for mothers and children---
I do wish you a contentedly successful end to your 'series of unfortunate events'.
 
#218 ·
I do not know if I was really very clear- I am not trying to say you should do anything- like stay home or homeschool or or whatever- I think rereading my post that it looks like I am suggesting that - I just mean to say that there is some really good information on theose sites- but they just happen to be a certain type of site---
 
#219 ·
Apologies for not reading all the posts! If you haven't checked it out yet, I would suggest exploring EFT (Emotional Freedom Techniques) http://www.emofree.com It's very effective for prenatal trauma, birth trauma, PTSD and depression (among other things!) If it appeals, I would suggest some sessions with a good practitioner experienced in your issues to start you off--and then you can do it yourself. PM me if you want more info.
Blessings & Hugs on your journey...
 
#220 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by fbsurvivor View Post
That is just a horrible story. What happened to your son at daycare is horrific. I want to cry just reading what you and your son have been through.

I know how you feel about the meds. After I was on meds (anti-depressants) as a teenager, I said, OK for an adult, but not a kid. But you are in an extremely difficult situation. What I would suggest is getting several opinions from different psychiatrists. If you can find a psycho-pharmacologist, I would try one of them as well. They specifically deal with meds and will have more experience with different ones. I wouldn't want my kid to become a science experiment. I know I've been one and so has my father and so have many of my relatives.

Have you read the Spirited Child book? That might give you some everyday tools. Also, how much have you looked into schools? I think so often with a case like yours, finding the perfect school, or the perfect therapist, or the perfect babysitter makes a world of difference.

I'm sure you've already tried some of this, but I would think finding outlets for his aggression is so important. He's old enough to be in sports. That might help. My husband has somewhat of a temper and violent computer games (I know not the normal advice) help him. It gives him an outlet. Also, having a man around might help him. Have you tried one of those "big brother" programs? A guy might be able to understand the rage and redirect it in a positive way.

My daughter (17 mo.) is only high-needs, but another thing is that the rage she has comes from not being able to control her environment. I try to teach her how to do everything herself and give her tasks and responsibilities (yes, even as young as she is). You might have to start really really small, but I bet responsibilities like feeding the cat (?) might make him feel more in control.

I'm a little worried about your relationship with your parents. I know you need the help, but at what cost? Being around them probably makes you angry and your son might pick up on that. And do you leave him alone with them? Also, do you see any of your son's father in your son? Does that in any way make you feel differently about him? That's another thing your son could pick up on. I'm not a shrink and I'm probably talking a lot of nonsense, but you might ask yourself if you think anything environmental is having an impact.

Also, these things are so genetic. It sounds like your son's got stuff coming from both sides. The more you can find out about the boy's father's problems, that will probabably help. Maybe you have already, but I wanted to check.
My son's dad isn't involved in his life, so I don't have much access to finding out more about him, and he was always very resistant to seeking counseling of any sort since he was a macho Latin male. I wouldn't be surprised if he had some sort of diagnosable mental illness though.

I definitely don't feel like I see my son's dad in him, at least not in a way that I'd resent. He has his dad's dimple in one cheek and even has some behaviors that his dad had, but I tend to find that more cute than distressing, though it does make me sad at times because I wish his dad could see him and appreciate the qualities they share. It definitely doesn't upset me though.

I know he is definitely impacted by all the transitions he has in his daily life. He gets upset when I drop him off at daycare (no matter how I've tried to do the transition in a million different ways) and again when I pick him up. He gets upset going to stay with grandma and grandpa during the weekends, then again when they bring him home.

Yes, he does stay at my parents' on the weekends, usually at least 24 hours, because I have so much work to do that I am unable to complete it all during my work week. I am a college teacher with a million papers to grade, so I will spend 15 hours or more on the weekend grading papers. Also, even though dealing with my parents really SUCKS big time, if I didn't have a break from my son, I think I would literally go insane. It's hard enough to have him six days a week, all by myself. It's also so great for me to have a morning when I can sleep in, at least one day a week, and get things done without him screaming at me and throwing tantrums. I often can't even clean the house or do any chores because he is so out of sorts, so I do most of that on the weekends. I'd prefer to spend my "me time" hanging out with friends or doing something fun, but right now it's work and housework, which isn't fun, but needs to be done.

Thanks for your advice and thoughts!!!!
 
#221 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by peaceful_mama View Post
I've followed this a little bit and I think it is *awesome* that you have come across something that is working for you!


I wanted to say that a lot of the things I read in college (EC/SPED major, unfinished, long story) advocate exactly what you are doing, for children in general, but *especially* for those who are more agressive/expressive with their anger than most. Setting up an area where they can go to 'cool down' WITH ACTIVITIES THAT HELP THEM DO THAT. And beginning by taking them there when you see they need it.

I think it's a HUGE sign you are on the right track if he is taking *himself* there! And I am going to 'steal' this idea for dd, age 3, who is starting to throw things and slam doors. Like you said, it is much better for me to find a way to help both of us calm down than it is for me to get angry and end up yelling and/or hitting. (And it DOES DOES DOES address the behavior in the fact that you are not allowing the behavior to continue. That's the mantra I'm using on myself "I am NOT allowing the behavior to continue. I AM doing my job.")
Hi Peaceful Mama:

Thanks for your supportive words! I definitely find myself second guessing everything all the time, like "Is having him sit on the bed and read books really a good enough consequence for him punching me?" but I keep saying, over and over, "If this is going to make him calm down and act appropriately, this is a good choice. If this is going to prevent me from screaming at him and dragging him across the floor to a time out where I have to physically restrain him, this is a good choice." The hard thing with my son is that things will work for a while, sometimes even brilliantly, then stop working.

Unfortunately, I haven't figured out how this will work in public. We actually had a horrible incident yesterday at the park. On Fridays, my parents usually come and pick my son up and bring him back on Saturdays. He loves being at their house and has lots of fun galavanting around in nature, but he hates transitions, especially leaving me. I picked him up from school yesterday (preschool, I should say), and since it was really nice, we got some take out dinner and went to the park. I always take EVERY opportunity to have him outside, as he could exercise ten hours a day and not be tired! He was really happy about this idea, as he always is with any outside activity. We got to the park, ate, and then he played for a few minutes (10-15) and the sun started going down.

Suddenly, massive clouds of mosquitoes descended on us. The other parents and I were all complaining, and each person had LITERALLY 15-20 mosquitoes covering their bodies. It was disgusting. In the midst of this, my parents arrived, and my dad said, "We are not staying out here! We have to get out of these mosquitoes!" I agreed and said we should go. None of us wanted to be getting bit a million times, and I already had welts all over the place. But my son is NOT good with transitions, and this transition not only meant that he had to leave the park immediately, but that leaving the park also meant going with grandma and grandpa and leaving mommy because they had met us there to pick him up.

Immediately he said, "I don't want to go" (or I should say "screamed" instead of "said") and burst into tears. I got down on his level, hugged him, and said, "I know you don't want to go, honey, but these mosquitoes are biting us, and we can't stay out here! Also, it's getting dark!" He just screamed and cried and said no and was definitely in hitting mode, so I decided to do the "We're going to the car" and just walk towards the car. Usually he will scream and cry (of course prompting everyone to look at me and give me those "Wow! Control your child!" looks) but he will still follow me.

This time he went running off in the opposite direction, towards the road, towards a very steep hill, screaming and crying. I followed him over there, and he was just completely and totally, insanely, out of his mind--screaming, crying, and just flat out hysterical. My dad had stormed off in anger, saying "I am not going to deal with this! This is ridiculous!" and my mom had followed me over there by my son. But when I made a comment to her under my breath, where my son couldn't hear, that "This is not normal! This is so embarrassing. How am I ever going to find a boyfriend who'd put up with this???" because I was just frustrated and upset, she said she would walk away too if I didn't stop talking like that. (I love how I am 36 years old and still get punished by my parents!) I tried talking to my son, but he was too out of his mind to listen. I tried holding him, but he was too out of control to not hurt me. We waited for a few minutes to see if he would calm down, and then I just picked him up perpendicular to my body (so he couldn't hit me) and carried him to the car while he fought me. We just had to get out of those mosquitoes!

It was ugly and embarrassing and just awful. Both my parents were mad at me, which never makes sense. What am I supposed to do? I put my son in the car and got in the back seat with him, trying to calm him down, and my mom stormed off, having her own temper tantrum. My dad was sitting in the car and trying to talk to my son, but he would just scream back at him. It was not good at all. And of course I don't want to leave my son on that note!

He did finally calm down and then it was time for me to leave. He was sort of ok, but my mom said he was extremely angry when they pulled away from my car and pushed her hand away as she tried to pat him.

It's in these sorts of situations that I really second guess myself. Usually transitions like this where he's doing something he enjoys, like playing at the park, work well. Unfortunately, due to the mosquitoes, we couldn't make a smooth, slow, and calm transition. It seems like there really isn't anything we could have done differently. I thought about saying, "Why don't we go back to our house or go out to eat?" so my son could have a bit more time with me before he had to leave, but I knew my parents would be really angry about that idea. They would feel like it was a big hassle to have to drive across town to our apartment or to a restaurant and think it was ridiculous to not just leave the park, so I didn't even bring up that idea.

I hate feeling like I am. . . . . I don't know what the right word is. . . . . acting so apologetic towards him, or almost like I am letting his anger control me, or like I am cowering in fear, in the midst of his tantrum because I am trying to get him to calm down. I feel weak, like I am accepting what he is doing. Part of me feels like saying, "Look, this is NOT acceptable. We are leaving the park right now, and you knock it off. I will not put up with this behavior." But I know that won't change anything. It also didn't change anything to try to sympathize with him or explain the situation. It was just hideous.

Any ideas about what I could have done differently in this situation? Or was it just destined to be crappy because of those damn mosquitoes?
 
#222 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by pianojazzgirl View Post
Hi Bisou,

I've followed your thread from the beginning. I guess I haven't posted yet because I felt like I have no real advice or insight. But I certainly have been thinking of you guys, even to the point of lying awake in bed the other night trying to brainstorm ideas for you to help your son calm down (this after reading one of your posts when he was basically saying "please help me find a way to calm down - I don't know how to do it myself"). I have to say that your new approach to time outs seems like it just might be exactly what he needs. I know you're feeling some doubt about it so I wanted to (finally!) post to support you in what you're doing. You are a fantastic, amazing, awe-inspiring mama. This will certainly sound banal, but: keep up the good work!
Hi Pianojazzgirl:

Thanks so much for saying hello. As I've already said several times before, it just amazes me that I have such great support from people I've never even met. It means so much!!!!! I can't believe that you were lying in bed thinking about ways to help us. That is just so kind.


Knowing that there are people out there thinking about us, worrying about us, praying for us, and hoping the best for us really does renew my faith in humanity. While there may be some awful people in the world, and I've certainly come across my share in the last year or two, you guys remind me that there are lots of loving, caring, patient, generous people too. Thanks for that!
 
#223 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by fbsurvivor View Post
You're doing great, especially considering the horrible background you came from. One thing I noticed about my husband (who has a temper), from day one of my high needs baby, was that he heard all of my dd's screams as anger, but I didn't. I always remember that my daughter, no matter what she is doing or saying, is only an innocent child and has little idea of what she is doing or saying. Maybe some kind of mantra like that could help you when you're really feeling angry. Also, underneath most anger is fear, so it might sound like anger, but really he's afraid. One last thing. I come from a negative environment and find it really hard to say positive things, so you may as well.
This is a really good observation and reminder. I was my parents' first child, and I know my mother had a hard time with me. I didn't want to breastfeed and would push her away, and she's told me many times that she interpreted this as me hating her and not wanting her for a mother. I've said, "But I was an infant! Infants don't hate people!!!" To this day she resents me for my behavior as an infant and a young child and will say, "You never liked me, from the time you were born!" It's so ridiculous, but looking back on my son's earlier months, I can see how those feelings seeped into my thoughts as well. He went through a terrible phase from 12-18 months where he was splitting my lips open and giving me black eyes on a regular basis by throwing himself backwards and slamming his head into my face. After the first few times, I would think, "Why does he want to hurt me? Why does he hate me? I don't get it!" because it seemed like he must hate me; otherwise, why would he do something like that? I'd try to remind myself that he was a baby and too young to even understand that concept, but I definitely started thinking he didn't like me.

It's hard now, too, because he can follow up his hurtful physical actions with hurtful words. He is constantly telling me he hates me, I am fat, I am ugly, I am the worst mom ever. I always had these visions of my child looking up at me with love in his eyes saying, "Mommy, you are so beautiful!" Many children find their mothers beautiful even if popular opinion would consider them ordinary or even unattractive. It's one of the beautiful things about kids. Unfortunately, my son hasn't reached that stage yet.

It's a good reminder that his anger is often about fear. I know he hates leaving me, and I don't blame him. He's faced a lot of scary things in his four years, including two incidents of daycare abuse and someone basically trying to get into our house to kill and/or torture us. I am sure the world seems like a scary, unsafe place for him. It's just hard that it is directed at me, like I am the hated, evil culprit, and I try soooo hard to make his life happy, fun, and joyful. I just do need to remember that IT'S NOT ABOUT ME. He doesn't hate me. He doesn't want to hurt me. He's just scared, and rightly so.

Thanks for the reminders. Maybe I need to make a little list and post it somewhere so I can read through it when he gets out of control, like "He doesn't hate you, he is just scared. He has been through a lot. Stay calm so you can help him be calm." I should do that today!!!

Thanks again for the great post.
 
#224 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by debe View Post
And this opinion that I have is likely no help: I feel that your situation illustrates quite well the lack of real respect and support that mothers and children receive in North America. I find myself - especially of late being a single mom of a 3 year old with all that that implies- that most of our problems with aggression and anger and tantrums, etc. would be rather successfully managed if I could just be mom- I mean not have to rely on daycare- not have to do everything to some schedule rather than take the time needed to work out a fear or a clingy response- not have to worry about losing my employment or my home-I do not know if I am being clear, but mom work is so hard sometimes- well all of the time but sometimes it is so very challenging- even without the added stress that you have experienced so much of lately. I really wish you were able to take a few years just to be a mom- Yeah i know it is fantasy - but I do wish there was a safety net for mothers and children---
Oh my God, I agree with you SOOOOOOOOOO MUCH!!!!!!!!

I really feel like mothers/parents, especially single parents, really aren't supported at all in this society, especially when it comes to childcare options. I think while some kids do well, and even thrive, in daycare settings, others suffer.

I do feel guilty that my son faced two different incidents of abuse, one very serious, in a daycare setting. I always planned to have children and work out a schedule with my spouse where one of us could work during the day and the other at night or weekends, so we could take care of our kids ourselves. Finding myself pregnant and single wasn't part of my plans!

Now I know there are great, caring daycare providers out there, but it can really be the luck of the draw. Every place my son went to, I carefully screened, including checking with the state for complaints, posting online, showing up unannounced, and interviewing parents whose children attended there. I did everything you're "supposed to do," but it still turned out ugly for my son.

I think part of the problem is that childcare is SO expensive, so you're often left with leaving your children in a place where the providers are undereducated (often 18, 19 years old) and paid minimum wage. Even then, parents are often paying $1,000 a month. I am getting all political here, but it seems like if people are so concerned about poor quality childcare and children having all these behavioral problems, maybe our government needs to subsidize childcare so it can be high quality, given by educated providers (with at least an AA in early childhood ed), yet affordable for parents. Other countries do this!

Instead our country prefers, in many cases, to blame single mothers as the cause of all of our nation's problems with children. Really we have little option, other than work and put our kids in childcare, sit at home in poverty and on Welfare, or live with family (which isn't even an option for some people). It would be great if workplaces that had more than a certain number of employees were required to provide on-site, high quality childcare (even if employees had to pay a portion) where moms could go on lunch breaks and breastfeed, play with their kids, and check on them. There are so many things that we could do to improve this situation when it comes to kids and parents.

I was really reluctant to put my son in daycare when he was young. I stayed home with him for the first three months, then went back to work when he was 3-6 months old and left him with a nanny, a personal friend I had known for years. She was wonderful, but when she decided to go back to school when my son was six months, I looked at daycares and left each one of them crying. I felt like I was visiting orphanages. It was just heart breaking! I decided to move in with my parents, and we lived there from the time he was six months old to the age of two years old. I loved spending that time with him, but living with my parents was hell. My career was also going into the toilet as I could only teach a class or two, I couldn't afford medical insurance nor could I qualify for state-sponsored insurance because I made just over the max income, and I was slowly losing all my friends, so I had to move back to Portland and work full time. I thought that my son was old enough to do well in daycare and even enjoy it, but only four months into it, a daycare worker at a large chain daycare intentionally injured his testicles by probably twisting them (according to the doctor's assessment and mine) as some sort of sick punishment or something, removing a good portion of the skin and causing massive swelling in the process. She was 18 years old, inexperienced and immature. It's possible that my son was fighting a diaper change or hit her and she retaliated, but we will never know exactly what happened. Of course nothing he could have done would make something that horrific warranted or acceptable. My son said, "The teacher hit my penis." I just hope that she has to live with the memory of what she did to him, and that it haunts her for the rest of her life.

These are such hard decisions that single mothers and even some couples must face. Many single mothers/fathers don't have a choice to stay at home with their kids, and single parents often can't afford the kind of care they wish they could for their kids. Even when they can afford an expensive daycare, as I could, this is no guarantee of anything! I think somehow our society needs to change their views of how we treat children. The way they are treated and raised affects their entire lives. I will never know how my son might be different had he not faced the abuse he's faced.

It really seems like this is something our country needs to address, but many people take the view of "Well, YOU decided to have children. Why should I have to take care of them?" I get so tired of hearing this "Every man for himself" philosophy applied to everything from health care to insurance to child raising. Don't people realize that we all live in this world together and if someone's child is damaged, we all pay the price?

I used to live in a neighborhood with many single mothers. One of the mothers would go to work and leave her three-year-old son alone, or sometimes in the care of his ten-year-old sister. Another young child, around eight, was left alone all night while her mom went to work. I became a surrogate mom to the three-year-old, who would often come outside wearing only underwear, no clothes or shoes. I'd watch him and play with him and my son, and when we had to go inside for the night, he would cry, and it would break my heart. I don't agree with the decisions that these mothers made, but I also know that the expense of daycare is overwhelming for many parents. Who knows, maybe she thought her kids were better off alone than in the care of strangers, but I don't know that I'd agree that is logical.

As you can tell, this definitely hits a nerve for me. I really wish our nation would address this problem and not just blame single mothers for having children. These kids will be our future and we need to nurture, love, and protect them. I often think of how children are raised in primitive tribes. There is no separation between family and work. Children surround their parents as they go about their daily tasks. It would be so wonderful if somehow our society could shift to allow the lines between family and work to blur just a tiny bit. I've heard of some workplaces allowing new mothers to have their babies in a crib right in their cubicle. While part of me wonders how they'd really get much done, I still think this is wonderful. I'd bet our children would feel much better if they could be closer to us, even going to work with us where they knew we were just a hallway's walk away. I bet this would improve the caregivers' attitudes too, knowing that parents could drop in at a moment's notice.

Ok, enough daydreaming about a world with ideal (or more ideal) childcare. Heck, it would be great too if moms could be paid to stay home and raise their kids, but I know the chances of that happening are more than one in a trillion, so I will just set my sites on improved childcare, for now.


Phew. And some of you guys think you are long-winded!!!
 
#225 ·
What I see in the park incident:

Your son needs comforting and empathy. I would try more questions, asking what he feels and what he wants, and what's going on with him.

Your parents are toxic and you need to ignore their parenting ideas and stick to your guns.

Forget about trying to control your son.
 
#226 ·
Sorry, that sounded kind of curt. Your father reminds me of mine (and brought of some painful feelings from my childhood) and it's exactly the opposite of what your son needs. If you're sensitive and emotional, you need your feelings validated, not negated. Especially if that is the only male figure in your son's life, you need to get your son away from your parents. Your son needs to feel that his feelings are important and that someone cares. You have to see beyond his behavior and find out what he is feeling. The behavior is just a reaction to the feeling. If you have a good therapist, they would tell you this.

I totally recommend Naomi Aldort's book, Raising Our Children and How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk by Adele Faber.

The fact that you're recognizing the stuff about transitions is fabulous!

What I learned in some of the books I read is: 1. validate and empathize- "I know this is frustrating, makes you angry, you're probably feeling..." 2. invite cooperation- The goal is not control, but to get the child to want to cooperate with you. 3. Never get into a power struggle- that means prevention at all costs.

In the park incident, although it seemed really fast, there was still plenty of time to give him a long explanation and possibly give him some choices. Example: We can go right now, or you can run around for 5 more minutes. You can also ask him, "We're all geting bitten by bugs, what do you think we should do about it?" It's also about empowering the kid.

With your parents I really think that you have to set the rules about how you want your kid treated, and if your parents won't go along with it, they're going to have to be cut out of the picture. I really think your son's emotional health is at stake, especially considering the stuff you describe your parents doing to you as a kid.

I also want to say that I SO agree with you about daycare, and everyman for himself. Being a working mom with a husband is not as hard as being a single mom, but it's still really hard. I cried when I looked at daycares as well. Luckily I didn't have to go with 18 year olds and we went with what the daycare providers' kids were like. There is just no support for moms these days. I know I feel like an island so much of the time.
 
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