Mothering Forum banner

DD1 (4 yrs.old) interrupting quiet time on purpose

783 views 10 replies 7 participants last post by  skueppers 
#1 ·
I need help with how to remedy this situation without becoming too reactive. For about a year now, during DD2's nap, DD1 has had quiet time in her room while I exercise (yoga). It's worked well mostly. The last two days, I'm having real issues with DD1. With all needs met, as we are on a rhythm and my girls know what to expect next, we've went into quiet time. Last week, DD1 asked to do yoga with me. I said sure if you are quiet. She agreed that she could do that. It worked out well until yesterday. Yesterday, she barked like a dog loudly, and then cried and whined. I tried to help her out to no avail, and she couldn't tell me what was wrong. Today was worse. DH was home and tried to help. She cried hard this time. When DH tried to engage her in conversation and/or direct her to another activity, she screamed along with the crying. Finally, DH got her to play in her room quietly, and left for work. As soon as he was gone, DD1 crept into the room where DD2 was sleeping and woke her from her nap. She knows she shouldn't do that and that DD2 really needs her nap. I really need this hour for yoga. It hasn't been a problem in the past.

Here is what I did. I took DD1 to her room, told her she had made me angry, and that what she did was bad. She sat on her bed for about 2 minutes. While I was talking to her she snickered and laughed. Normally, I would become irate at that kind of behavior, but I felt I did well as I kept my cool. I'm just not sure how to handle these types of situations for her age and understanding. She needs to know that those actions are not helpful and that they hurt my feelings, and interrupt the nap DD2 needs.
DD1 doesn't nap for the most part anymore. If she does take one, she wakes even grumpier than she would be if she doesn't nap, so I don't push it. She does need quiet time though... Any ideas on how to remedy this issue and still allow the 3 of us the separate quiet time we need?
 
See less See more
#2 ·
DD is going through a phase (she's four) where she has suddenly become determined to be with me every second. She's fearful and whiny. She is adamantly opposed to isolation ("quiet time").

I don't know why she has become this way, I think its just a phase, but I've decided to respect it. I will have to have my own alone time when DH can be with her.

Maybe you will have to change your yoga time for a while. DD2 can still take her nap, and you and DD1 will have some one-on-one time together. Then maybe you can do yoga after she goes to bed or if your DH can give you a break.
 
#3 ·
Your child having energy and being upset hurts your feelings? I think you need to try to take your feelings out of this so you can help your child deal with her boredom and her emotions. Staying in your room and having to entertain yourself for a long period of time while a younger sibling naps isn't something that is that stimulating to young kids with a lot of energy. Since she has done it up until now it may just be that she is acting out because she is feeling sick and coming down with something.

It may also be that she was feeling isolated for those long periods of time when you made her stay in her room so you could do yoga and that letting her be with you while you do yoga brought all of that to the surface. When she got to be with you during yoga she probably felt like she was getting more attention. She may be seeking more active one on one attention from you. The meltdown and the inability to be reasoned with point to something else going on that needs to be addressed calmly. I don't think she is bad though. Biting her sister is bad, crying because you feel like you are beign ignored and then forced back into isolation is an expression of extreme dissapointement. She probably doesn't need constant attention, but she may need a bit more than she is currently getting at these times. Is this the only one-on-one opportunity she gets with you on a daily basis? If so, I can see how she might resent that you are doing yoga instead of interacting with her. Kids don't care about health and sanity, they care about having time with their parents.

Could you do a brief yoga session while she watches a short movie and then spend one on one time with her? Can you read to her or play with her for a while then do yoga? Is there another time of day you can do yoga while your husband watches the kids?

A note about the laughing: This can be a nervous thing kids do when faced with stressful situations. If someone was mad at you and calling you bad you might show some nervous behaviors similar to this.
 
#4 ·
I totally understand why you need an hour of quiet time to yourself. But I cannot imagine my 4-year-old being happy in a room by herself for an hour, without something pretty darned entertaining to captivate her attention. Especially if it's a time when her younger brother is asleep, meaning she gets me all to herself.

My 4-year-old is willing to use the computer or watch TV by herself while I put her brother down for his nap, and she will continue to do those activities for, say, an hour if I let her. But although I could really use a break, I try to take advantage of the time when her brother is asleep to do things we can't really do when he's awake, like play board games or do complicated craft projects.

I'm wondering if you could:

1) Find a really engaging activity for her to do while you do yoga, like playing on the computer
or
2) Find some other time to do yoga, and use the valuable "no baby" time to do something special with your older daughter
or
3) Do a combination of those things, perhaps asking her to use the computer or watch TV for the first half hour, and then spend the other half hour doing something special with her.

I do realize my thoughts may not be terribly helpful, since my daughter has never been willing to have "quiet time" alone in her room, while yours has. I hope someone whose child was more of the temperament to do "quiet time" will have some other suggestions.
 
#5 ·
Okay, when I post in this discussion area it is so easy for me to feel I'm getting slammed. I asked for help, so I'm trying to keep my mind open to the statements here as being only that.

I don't try to isolate DD. I don't make her go to her room. I say, "You can go and play in your room or play quietly while mommy does her yoga. She usually goes to her room. She never seemed like it bothered her before. I actually wanted to include her in my practice as she has showed interest in learning yoga. I also see that it is the only opportunity for "alone" time we spend together in the day. However, I "homeschool" and do focused activities with her most of the morning and a few in the afternoon. I read to her at night as well. So, I don't think I'm neglecting her... I just don't see that.

I've tried to figure out when the best time to do my yoga is... and as far as I can see now, there is no other time. I need this yoga time as I am dealing with some health issues as well as some areas where I am trying to grow as a person and parent that yoga is helping me with. DH has an odd schedule and isn't home enough to give me the time I need. Nighttime after the girls are in bed will cut into the only time I have with DH. There is not an opportunity for anyone else to watch the girls while I practice.

I know my main priorities are my children and their well-being. I love them more than anything. However, I also see that for me to be the best mother I can be to the girls, I also need to find a way to do the yoga and have it work out for us. I wish I knew why DD1 is crying the last few days. DH and I both did our best to give her the opportunity to voice her problem. I paused my DVD. He talked with her.

Yes, it does hurt my feelings when she does things she knows is wrong. It wasn't interrupting my time that hurt my feelings, it was interrupting her sister's nap, which she knows to be the wrong choice. Having energy... no that doesn't hurt my feelings and that isn't bad. I'm trying to figure out why she acted this way, so I can help her. I stated that I want to handle these situations without being reactive. I'm not perfect - handling GD without being reactive is the ultimate goal.

We don't do TV (except family movie) or computer time for the girls, so that isn't an option for us right now.
 
#6 ·
I think it's completely acceptable for a full-time caregiver to need an hour a day for yoga. I also think it's completely acceptable for a child who's past the age of an afternoon nap to have an hour of quiet time a day. I just don't think there's anything even remotely isolating or selfish or non-AP about either of those things.

I remember being four. Four strikes me as old enough to have a real discussion with, although not in the heat of the moment. Perhaps you could have a conversation with your child about how you need some quiet time to do yoga, and how does she think you two can work that out? Perhaps you could help her brainstorm some calm/quiet activities she enjoys that she could do in her room during quiet time, and a special way the two of you can come back together at the end of that time: perhaps even an activity (a special snack, maybe? or ten minutes of you doing yoga together, and working on a special pose?) that just the two of you share before the baby wakes up.

Frankly, I think it is a GOOD thing when parents model appropriate respect for their personal needs to their children. I also think it's eminently possible to simultaneously honor your own needs so you can be a decent parent AND honor your daughter's need to be heard. I do not see these concerns as being diametrically opposed.

FWIW, I encourage you not to let people make you feel bad about having needs and boundaries! How else will your daughter learn to honor her own need and boundaries as an adult, if not from you?
 
#7 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by eastkygal View Post
Okay, when I post in this discussion area it is so easy for me to feel I'm getting slammed. I asked for help, so I'm trying to keep my mind open to the statements here as being only that.
I'm sorry if you felt like you were getting slammed. I really do understand why you feel like you need the time to yourself! By the time lunch is over at my house, I am often totally strung out. All summer, I studied Latin for half an hour of my son's nap, while my daughter used the computer. Then when my Latin studies were done, we did things together for the remaining 60-90 minutes of his nap.

I don't know how to get a preschooler to play quietly on her own for an hour if she doesn't want to, so if this were happening in my house, I'd be trying to find a way to get my daughter to want to spend that time on her own. What could she be doing that would be compelling enough for her to be content not having your attention during that time? Things I might consider would include:

* Swapping playdates with a nearby family, so she could go spend time with a friend a couple of days a week during this time.
* Doing the yoga without the DVD. When I discussed this situation with my daughter, one of the things she latched onto was the unfairness of the mom watching a TV show of her choice, and the daughter not being allowed to do something similar.
* Breaking the yoga up into smaller pieces, interrupted by facilitating some new activity for your daughter. This would require having several craft projects/activities/etc. ready to go for her to do during your yoga practice.
* Getting some special toys and activities that are only available to her during this time.
* Encouraging her to listen to audiobooks, perhaps with accompanying print versions of the same books.

Additionally, I would consider:

* Using a standard dial-type kitchen timer so your daughter would be able to visually see how much time she had left before you were done with yoga.
* Physically preventing her from accessing the sleeping child's room, assuming that's possible in the layout of the house.
* Getting up an hour earlier to do the yoga before the kids get up, and then napping during quiet time. Of course, that might not be possible if this can't be worked out in a way that's safe for the older child!
* Trying to arrange for the younger child to have a longer nap.
* Doing the yoga outdoors somewhere while the kids are awake and engaged in outdoor activities. Perhaps in conjunction with another mom who wanted to do yoga -- you could switch off doing poses and watching the toddlers.

Quote:
So, I don't think I'm neglecting her... I just don't see that.
I certainly wasn't trying to suggest that you are neglecting her. But I do know that my daughter really values the time when her younger brother isn't around to destroy whatever it is she and I are trying to do together, and it does sound like your daughter is expressing a desire not to play by herself during this time. Obviously, talking with her is an important part of all of this, though I know from my own experience that it can be hard to figure out what's going on in the head of a child this age!

Good luck working it out!
 
#8 ·
One thing that has been successful in our home is to have one or two quiet activities set-up either in the bedroom or playroom that the older child can work on while the younger one is napping. Some suggestions are making a necklace, playdough with playdough tools that can only be used during naptime, puzzles. Look on orientaltrading.com for some simple age appropriate crafts that are only available during naptime. HTH.
 
#10 ·
skueppers - Thank you much for the suggestions and explanation. It was helpful, very. And thank you for asking your DC, that is something I would have never thought to consider - her wanting her own movie.

I do know, that that isn't it now though, after thinking it might be for a little bit. The last two days have been much better. I resigned to do what I could of the yoga. To not give it up, but to not get too upset my DD1's actions. I think even this was helpful to her. The first day I would pat her between kriyas, make eye contact and smile. No crying!! I also suggested we share a snack together afterward. That seemed to work. Today, she chose to play on the couch while I practiced. She worked on nursing her baby and putting it to sleep. Occasionally, she would tip-toe around me, but I didn't let it bother me. Yay for me!!
Again, we shared a snack.

I have even heard/seen her doing some of the kriyas on her own. She corrected DH's "funny" breathing pattern... instructing him to take deeper breaths that it is healthier. And... I heard her singing some of the songs from the DVD. So, I know now, she likes it. Maybe they were just off days for the both of us. She needed something, and I was letting it affect me too much.

I appreciate all the ideas. That is not my strong point when it comes the GD. I'm also not a good predictor at where problems might arise, or at getting to the heart of them... I hope I get better at it.
 
This is an older thread, you may not receive a response, and could be reviving an old thread. Please consider creating a new thread.
Top