4.5 yr old won't get dressed, ignores me - Mothering Forums

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Old 10-06-2009, 01:13 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Maybe someone can help me. My ds is 4.5 and generally a sweet smart kid. He has very little interest in self-care tasks, like getting dressed or remembering to use the toilet. He is able to dress himself, but he prefers me to do it.

Until now, I haven't made much of an issue about dressing. But now I feel like he's old enough to do it himself, and I'd like him to do it himself. I'm starting to feel a little resentful about dressing him and undressing him completely every day.

We've talked about this expectation, that he will dress himself. But every morning we fall into the same pattern:

-first I ask him to get dressed, he ignores me
-then I say, Henry, clothes!, he ignores me
-then I ask again, and he says, you put my clothes on, and I tell him I'd like him to do it himself
-then I ask or remind him a few more times, with no results
-sometimes I set a timer, and try to make dressing into a game, but ds ignores the timer and keeps playing
-then I start getting annoyed, and I hear my tone getting really shrill, but usually I can't help myself, and I start nagging or even yelling (I feel awful about this)

At this point, my ds usually starts listening to me and either gets dressed or tells me all the reasons he doesn't want to get dressed. Then I sometimes dress him, because I'm frustrated and we need to get moving.

We often go through a similar routine when it's time for ds to put his shoes on and leave the house (ds is in pre-k 5 days a week).

How do I turn this situation around? I feel like a crabby monster every morning. I asked ds how we could solve the problem, and he suggested that he should get dressed first thing, before playing, so we'll try that (easier said then done!). Do I have unrealistic expectations? Do I send ds to school in his pajamas some morning to show consequences? Do I just need to chill out? Any suggestions would be appreciated.

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Old 10-06-2009, 01:32 PM
 
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Put him to bed in clean clothes for the next morning!

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Old 10-06-2009, 01:53 PM
 
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I think if he still wants help, I'd help him. Especially if it means getting him ready and out the door on time without anyone getting upset.

My 4.5 is also in pre-k, and most days I bring him an outfit, complete with socks and underwear and sit there with him assisting when he needs it. This usually works best, b/c then he doesn't get distracted by something and take forever, or lose a piece of clothing in the process. Other days, I will toss him his clothes and say, "I'm going to take my shower, can you get dressed and be ready by the time I get out?" Sometimes he is done getting dressed, sometimes he is half dressed, and other times he hasn't even touched his clothes.

I would say about once a week he surprises me and sneaks off and picks out what he wants to wear and fully dresses himself w/o even being asked. So, clearly I know he is capable if I were to say, "go get some clothes and get dressed" but chances are it would end up a struggle - he would forget underwear, or put on his brother's pants, or a dirty shirt, or complain for whatever reason that he wasn't ready to get dressed at that time.

My older two kids - I can totally just say, "get ready for school" and they know what steps are involved and do so. But my 4.5 yo sometimes literally needs to be helped with every piece of clothing/shoe in order to get dressed in time to go without one of us getting upset.

I understand being resentful -- believe me, with four kids and a DH when we go somewhere on the weekends I sometimes feel like I'm stressed about getting everyone ready to go, bags packed, etc., and I run out of time to even comb my own hair -- I just think if he isn't ready (for whatever reason, not that it's an inability to physically get dressed, then the easiest thing to do right now is help dress-undress him. That's just me, though, and I am picking and choosing my battles lately as to not stress myself out. Others may have some great advice for encouraging him to do more for himself, leaving you to have more time for other things before getting out the door.

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Old 10-06-2009, 01:53 PM
 
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Well, since you asked, I think chilling out is okay.

He's going to dress himself someday, and take great pride in doing so, and will definitely NOT want mama to dress him. He's not losing skills by not dressing himself right now, and since it sounds like its become a big power struggle. I'd let it go.

If you want, you could have a big dress-up box where he could play with costumes; that tends to help with dressing skills if you're just worried about him having skills.

At 4.5, I pretty much dressed DD every time. Sometimes she would put clothes on, or part of the clothes, if she was sufficiently motivated, but usually not.

At 4.75, she dresses herself about 75% of the time. The only time she doesn't is when its early in the morning and we're a bit rushed for preschool. But truly, I've found that I enjoy that morning cuddle while she sits on my lap and I help her put clothes on. Its a much better way to start the day than with a battle.
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Old 10-06-2009, 04:54 PM
 
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Maybe instead of all or nothing, you can ease him into it. Like you put on his shirt, he puts on his pants, you put on one sock, he does the other, etc and gradually working to where he is doing it all. Just because he can do it by himself (and I agree he probably can) doesn't mean he doesn't enjoy your company, like you doing it because it is faster, or various other reasons. I do think he needs more help to transition from Mom doing it all to him doing it all though, it sounds like for whatever reason its too much change at once for him. Good luck

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Old 10-06-2009, 05:15 PM
 
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My suggestion would be sometime not in the morning involve him in the activity of making a simple chart to post on his wall. I would cheerfully sell it "I know sometimes getting dresses is tough but this will make it easier." If he's not into drawing you could have some simple line drawing pictures of pants, shoes, toothbrush, etc. printed out and have some a gluestick, stickers, glitter or whatever. The purpose is not to use rewards, but to give a clear step by step set of instructions. My suggestion would be to let him decide ahead of time with each thing. Do you want to mark this with an M for mom or an A for Alex?

Then together in the morning you can look at the chart and ask "what's next?" "A or M?" I know this sounds overly simplistic but with our kid it was like magic. It took the focus off me and the power struggle and put it on the chart.
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Old 10-06-2009, 05:23 PM
 
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While he may be technically capable of dressing himself, the direction "get dressed" might seem overwhelmingly large. To start, you might try breaking it down into steps. "X, please take your PJs off and put them in the hamper." "Great, now put on your shirt." "Now your pants" and so forth. After a while it will become more routine and you won't have to coach as much.

Also, are you also expecting him to pick out his clothes? Doing it the night before might help if that seems to be part of the issue.

Finally, when the kids were smaller we always had a dressing party each morning. We would all get dressed together so that it became a family activity. (OK, both DH and I tended to underwear in the bathroom). It made it more fun and we could keep everyone on track for our very time-specific morning routine.
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Old 10-06-2009, 06:23 PM
 
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I expect my almost 3yo to dress herself every morning. I'll help with the parts she finds hard (like doing up dresses and buttons on her pants) but she's not a baby any more.

What we do is have the same routine every morning. We get up, she plays while DH and I make breakfast. Then we eat/play. After awhile of just relaxing (adults on computers and DD playing) we all go back upstairs where there are NO toys and get dressed. We help her pick her clothes from her dresser and put them on her bed. And then DH and I take turns (as we get dressed) with reminding her about each step.

Often we'll start getting dressed in our room and we'll tell her to start with her undies. She might run and bring them to get help with the front/back, but then she puts them on. Then her socks, which she used to need lots of help with and now very little. Then she gets her pants and puts them mostly on by herself with some help to tuck her undies down in the back and do up the button if there is one, and then her dress/shirt.

If we get her dressed first then her clothes always get stuff on them from breakfast and that bugs me. She's also not normally very cooperative until she's had a chance to wake up. I think it helps that the 3 of us go to a different part of the house to all get dressed together.

We'll often joke about how she's further ahead at getting dressed that her daddy or me. "Oh wow, DD has everything but her shirt on. I just have my undies, I'd better catch up." And then after she's dressed she either hangs out with us or go back downstairs to play a bit more.
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Old 10-06-2009, 06:38 PM
 
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Honestly, I'd chill. Is there a time issue or do you just feel like he could and therefore he should? Maybe it's a way of holding on to feeling like your baby for a while longer or something. Regardless, at some point he will want to dress himself and won't put up a fight. Is it worth the power struggles in the meantime?
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Old 10-06-2009, 06:47 PM
 
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Honestly, I'd chill. Is there a time issue or do you just feel like he could and therefore he should? Maybe it's a way of holding on to feeling like your baby for a while longer or something. Regardless, at some point he will want to dress himself and won't put up a fight. Is it worth the power struggles in the meantime?
Why not enable the child to have some independence?

I don't want my kid living in my basement until she's 30, so to me that starts now. I want to foster a sense of "she can do it by herself".

I really don't care if she wants to feel like a baby... I want a pony... She's not a baby anymore and I'm not going to encourage her to act like one. She can pretend if she likes, and if once in a while she wanted to pretend to be a baby while we're getting dressed, then I'll help her.

Maybe I'm too into Montessori, but I can't imagine dressing a school aged child (and at 4.5 is kindergarten age here).
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Old 10-06-2009, 06:54 PM
 
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I'd chill out on enforcing clothes if you were just staying home, but obviously he needs to get dressed to go to school.

Some ideas that have worked for us, many of which we still use:

Make it fun! Put on the shirt, then do a trick (somersault or something). Put on underwear, then do a trick. Then pants... you get the idea.

Race - see how fast he can do it (while you count or use a timer), or race each other. DS likes to race with the baby on my team (I have to get her and myself dressed)

When all else fails, I say, "Hey, I'll meet you in the car." I would never ever threaten to leave him, either at home or out if we're having trouble getting in the car, but this is a very quick way to let him know we really are going and he needs to be dressed before he can go outside. At this point he will sometimes ask me to help him, which is fine.

I would chill on the dressing him part, as feeling taken care of is a really big need for kids, and he may need that even more before separating for school, but I can understand being tired of the whole routine where you get to the point of being frustrated. If you offered to help him out first, bringing the clothes to him instead of just telling him to do it, would that feel better to you?

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Old 10-06-2009, 06:58 PM
 
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Just wondering. How long would you make getting a dressed a game for? Until he's 5? 6? 15?

I can understand having fun while getting dressed, but why not normalize getting dressed instead of turning it into a circus.

If mom and dad and kids are all getting dressed at the same time, then it's normal. It's just what happens after breakfast.

If mom and dad get dressed and then some time later decide that it's time for the kids to get dressed, obviously there are going to be issues. That's turning the kids getting dressed from an every day activity into a huge deal.

Why make it so kid centric? It's just getting dressed. It's what you do before you leave the house or if you're cold.
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Old 10-06-2009, 07:01 PM
 
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Well, since you asked, I think chilling out is okay.

He's going to dress himself someday, and take great pride in doing so, and will definitely NOT want mama to dress him. He's not losing skills by not dressing himself right now, and since it sounds like its become a big power struggle. I'd let it go.
This is how I feel. My ds is just about to turn 4 and if I expected him to dress himself every morning we would be battling too. I am sure he would ignore me at least 70% of the time, and poke around the other 30%. I pick out his clothes, I kind of guide him along and instead of telling him to "get dressed" I will ask one step at a time. "Can you take your pajama pants off? Can you put these underwear on please?" etc. etc. He is much more likely to cooperate when we do one step at a time. Sometimes I do some of the steps myself (put his shirt on, etc.) Sometimes we have a "race" where I get dd dressed and he gets himself dressed and we see who can get dressed the fastest. But overall I know that I won't be putting his firetruck undies on him when he is 14 so I don't stress out about it. He will get there eventually.

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Old 10-06-2009, 07:09 PM
 
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Why not enable the child to have some independence?

I don't want my kid living in my basement until she's 30, so to me that starts now. I want to foster a sense of "she can do it by herself".

I really don't care if she wants to feel like a baby... I want a pony... She's not a baby anymore and I'm not going to encourage her to act like one. She can pretend if she likes, and if once in a while she wanted to pretend to be a baby while we're getting dressed, then I'll help her.

Maybe I'm too into Montessori, but I can't imagine dressing a school aged child (and at 4.5 is kindergarten age here).
Enabling a child to have independence and forcing a child to have independence are two different things. I think I might have dressed my dd at 4.5 (not sure but she did like being babied sometimes) and I don't think she'll be in my basement at 30. At 7, she dresses herself.
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Old 10-06-2009, 07:10 PM
 
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Just wondering. How long would you make getting a dressed a game for? Until he's 5? 6? 15?

I can understand having fun while getting dressed, but why not normalize getting dressed instead of turning it into a circus.

If mom and dad and kids are all getting dressed at the same time, then it's normal. It's just what happens after breakfast.

If mom and dad get dressed and then some time later decide that it's time for the kids to get dressed, obviously there are going to be issues. That's turning the kids getting dressed from an every day activity into a huge deal.

Why make it so kid centric? It's just getting dressed. It's what you do before you leave the house or if you're cold.
Why make it boring? My kid lives in an imaginary world of play most of the time. Joining him in his world is fun for him, and often for me He's a kid - why rush him to grow up and do things in a boring way? It doesn't hurt me to make it fun for him.

It sounds to me like you're afraid your child will never learn independence if you don't push it now. I have a different point of view, and believe that when the need is met it will go away.

I'm not afraid that he is never going to learn to get dressed on his own without being silly. I trust that, as he matures, he'll outgrow the need for attention and play and get dressed on his own. I just don't see it as a big deal, at all.

Sometimes we are in a rush and don't have time to play. He deals with it, accepts help, and we play later.

The book Playful Parenting has a lot of ideas on making things fun for kids. In our house, the whole idea encourages cooperation and FUN And less battles = happier mama

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Old 10-06-2009, 07:20 PM
 
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Why not enable the child to have some independence?

I don't want my kid living in my basement until she's 30, so to me that starts now. I want to foster a sense of "she can do it by herself".

I really don't care if she wants to feel like a baby... I want a pony... She's not a baby anymore and I'm not going to encourage her to act like one. She can pretend if she likes, and if once in a while she wanted to pretend to be a baby while we're getting dressed, then I'll help her.

Maybe I'm too into Montessori, but I can't imagine dressing a school aged child (and at 4.5 is kindergarten age here).

eh, as a parent to kids in a Montessori school, and a former Montessori teacher myself I have to say it really depends on the kid and the reasoning for both them not wanting to get dressed at that moment, and the reasoning for the parent needing it done at that moment - yk? Believe me, I am all for independence, and sure, my 2.5 yo is capable of dressing himself -- but when I assist my 4.5 yo with getting ready for school, I don't feel like I am hindering his independence in the long run.

Again, it depends on the kid. But in the OP situation, it sounds like it causes more stress on both parent and child to insist on the kid doing it independently at this point. For me, it is just not something worth stressing over. It takes all of, what, 5 minutes to help them get dressed? and saves 15+ minutes of arguing/frustration. It's all about following the needs of the child -- and it sounds like, for whatever reason, getting dressed completely independently at this point, is not working.

The ideas about making a chart, or dictating each step verbally, seem like good suggestions to me. and would be ones I would try if it really bothered me that my 4.5 yo didn't always dress himself when asked.

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Old 10-06-2009, 08:37 PM
 
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Another thing I was thinking is that sometimes when there's a power struggle over something involving autonomy, the child will decide to make it their hill to die on. Either something they insist upon doing themselves, or something they refuse to do themselves. It happened with potty training here. And the more you fight, the more they're willing to invest in their side. Backing off can make these issues actually take less time to resolve instead of more, depending on how strong willed the child is. No fighting and it stops being an issue. The day after I stopped fighting with my dd about the potty is the day she started using it, as one example.
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Old 10-07-2009, 04:43 PM
 
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Both my kids went through a period from about 4-5 where they seemed to 'need' me to get them dressed, even though they could physically do it themselves. Ds, in paritcular, was very slow with self-help skills. Dd is 5 1/2, and is just outgrowing this, but still needs help about 2-3 times a week. Ds is 8, and I haven't helped him get dressed or even needed to be in the room with him for about 1 1/2 or 2 years.

So, this too shall pass. Right now, I'd do this 'together'. It will take about the same amount of time, and you'll expend a lot less emotional energy!

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Old 10-08-2009, 12:54 PM
 
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The book Playful Parenting has a lot of ideas on making things fun for kids. In our house, the whole idea encourages cooperation and FUN And less battles = happier mama
Here is a preview (I think about 30 pages) of Playful Parenting. I think this exact scenerio is mentioned starting on p. 10.
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Old 10-09-2009, 06:16 PM
 
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Wow. I don't blame you for getting frustrated. I can't imagine my 4yr old not dressing herself. I still help DD2 from time to time if it's really important that her clothes all be right side out, but other than that, it's her responsibility to get dressed. 4 is definitely old enough. (As long as the child doesn't have any developmental delays of course.) I give DD a set amount of time (usually about 10 minutes), and reminder her every couple minutes to keep her on task. If she is not done by the time is up then she loses a priveledge* (like she has to wear real shoes instead of the fancy play shoes to the store, or doesn't get a cookie while we're out, etc).

This may not work for everyone, of course, but I wouldn't suggest just chilling out about it. By 4.5 yrs old he's old enough to take a small amount of responsibility for himself. And getting dressed is the easiest way.



*Yes we are satisfied with how this works for us. No we are not looking for different alternatives.
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Old 10-17-2009, 09:05 PM
 
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I remember reading in Elizabeth Crary's (spelling??) work that the AVERAGE age to get dressed with verbal reminders is age five and the AVERAGE age to get dressed without verbal reminders is age 10. Seriously.

This may or may not fit your family, but it may give you peace of mind if your child is not quite there yet.

I had one friend who would lay out complete outfits on the floor with the arms and legs in various poses. Her child loved that!

And yes, I have an eight year old who totally dresses herself with no reminders, an almost five year old who frequently needs help because she would go anywhere in PJ's and a one week old who needs complete help, LOL
Blessings to all...

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Old 10-18-2009, 01:36 AM
 
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I resorted to bribes. I made a picture poster to hang by DS's bed so that he could look at it and see exactly what he needs to do. Get out of bed, take off pull- up, put pull-up in trash, get dressed, go downstairs.

I had to do this b/c he usually wakes up when I'm trying to get DS#2 down for a nap and it made me crazy that DS#1, who is almost 5, would lie in his bed and whine for me to come in and take his pull-up off of him while I'm trying to get the baby to sleep.

So if he could independently do these things he could pick a small prize out of a basket. We practiced for a couple of days and I will still help him if he gets stuck, but after a week or so of bribery he just gets up and dressed. It's become a habit. He doesn't even ask for the prizes anymore!

So it worked well for us.
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Old 10-18-2009, 05:08 AM
 
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Enabling a child to have independence and forcing a child to have independence are two different things. I think I might have dressed my dd at 4.5 (not sure but she did like being babied sometimes) and I don't think she'll be in my basement at 30. At 7, she dresses herself.
ITA with this, encouraging autonomy is the key here. We did the if you put on your t-shirt I can help you with your trousers - it worked great and now for the most part ds dresses himself with a little help if needed.

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