OK, let me start by saying this: I'm a totally exhausted SAHM with a 3 year old and twins who just turned a year old. DH works long hours and doesn't/can't really help with anything besides bedtime on most days. I take care of everything--kids, house, meals, shopping, nighttime parenting, organization and planning, all of it. On top of BFing the twins and running our 3 yr old to and from preschool and playdates. I have zero time for myself and I'm totally worn down. I've been sick on and off for the last three weeks and have had no time to recover, haven't gotten as much as a nap. Just so you understand where I'm coming from.
On to today. I feel like crap, haven't even been able to get a shower in 2 days, which doesn't help. The house was such a disaster from me being sick so much lately that I tried just lying there to get some rest, and I realized the babies were covered with pet hair from crawling on the floor. Eating carpet fuzz and little bits of who-knows-what off the floor--disgusting! I had to clean up the entire living room in order to vacuum & sweep, and it took me 2 hours
because every time I turned my back, the things I'd just picked up were on the floor again. Or new toys had been pulled out. Or one of the babies was pulling the vacuum down on their head or sitting in the dust pile trying to eat it. (gag!) I did shed a few tears before it was done. I think I also had a fever at the time, and had to keep sitting down because I was so dizzy. All 3 kids are fussy and not feeling well.
My 3 yr old wouldn't help. Wouldn't listen. Wouldn't put any of her toys in her room. Was fighting with the babies. Was getting more toys out constantly. Dumping things I've just picked up, like a hundred blocks. I tried asking politely, I tried gathering some of her toys in a small pile so it wasn't overwhelming to put away. I tried helping her carry some. I tried taking some away when she didn't pick them up. Nothing worked and I ended up shouting at her. A lot. Then I shouted at my babies
(in the dustpile and climbing the vacuum). I just totally lost it. I took the babies to change & nurse them and tried to calm down, but that's when the 3 yr old decided to throw a fit. Crying and screaming, demanding a glass of milk. She sat down a foot from my face and screamed over and over, crying, distraught, "I WANT MILK! I WANT MILK!" I cried, I begged her to move away, calm down, anything. Finally I started screaming at her angrily to go in her roomm and calm down, leave me alone, give me space. She listened to me and moved away, and I kept
shouting. I didn't have to. But I just lost control. And it wasn't just once, I feel like I shouted for most of the hour leading up to that.
I got her some milk after she'd calmed down and asked nicely. I took 10 minutes to calm down and then apologized to her, explaining how I was feeling at the time we were cleaning and telling her I'm having a bad day because I'm sick and feeling grumpy. She cheered right up and was fine. I'm having trouble forgiving myself becuase this is how I was raised, in a volatile environment, and it's the last thing I wanted for my kids. I don't want them to be scared of me or walk on eggshells around me. I can't imagine what this teaches her. I am a very patient person normally, but I'm stretched to (past?) my max right now and don't know how to be gentle with her when I feel like I'm barely keeping it together here! I'm scared that she's going to get used to being the scapegoat when I get upset. It's been happening more lately because I'm getting burned out and but today was the worst.
Sorry this is so long, I am really upset and don't know what I need even. Support? Advice? BTDT and survived? All of the above? Thanks for listening.