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Your thoughts about withholding food

1K views 20 replies 19 participants last post by  Llyra 
#1 ·
Please help with your thoughts about withholding food. Yes, that sounds terrible. Here's the situation.

My toddler verging on pre-schooler (old enough to understand and old enough to try to get his way) is a big food thrower if it's something he doesn't want to eat.

I won't force him to eat something, but I do not like the messes, and also can not take the whining and whining and whining throughout the day for something else to eat when he doesn't eat at designated meal times and designated snack times.

Should I let him go hungry until the designated meals?

Today is a perfect example. He threw most of his breakfast on the floor, then was whining for treats and snacks non-stop. At lunch, we had a delightful and healthy meal of sandwiches and sides and he refused to eat any of it, then ended up throwing about 99% on the table and the floor and sweeping it everywhere with laughter (he has sensory issues, but still).

Not 10 minutes later he was begging and whining for cookies, for something to eat, and he doesn't want anything healthy.

His tactic truly is to throw food and then whine and complain and throw fits until he gets his desired food, which is usually snack kinds of foods, treats, or junk food.

I shop and eat healthy. I always have. But I caved in a little with DH and his less than ideal diet, and I've also slipped with my child and use food as incentive (I need to cut this out right now).

The other issue is the budget. I want my DS to eat when I make food, and not whine non-stop when we go places to wear me down so he can get cookies, treats, crackers, and other sweets just so he'll stop whining. I can't take him anywhere without spending at least $5.00 to stop the whining and it is getting out of hand.

Thoughts?

My plan is to stop allowing him to snack. He has to be hungry enough to eat the food at the meals and not throw it around.

What do you think of that? Right now, he's whining and telling me he's hungry over and over again, but he didn't eat his lunch even though he was told several times to and I really tried to work with him to sit down and eat it. I've tried leaving it out, but he usually throws it all over the floor deliberately so that he can have something else he prefers. ("Oops, Mommy, I can't eat this, it's all over the floor. Can I have a cookie?")
 
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#3 ·
That last sentence tells me that he knows exactly what he's doing. He is totally playing you.
The only way to stop this behavior is to stop enabling it and STOP giving him the unhealthy snacks. You HAVE to stop giving in. I know you know this already but its worth repeating.
When my DS asks for ice cream or something else I'm not willing to give him, I just give him a few other options. If none of those are good enough, then he must not be too hungry, kwim?
 
#5 ·
I think that not offering unlimited snacks is a great way to manage the situation. I'm a big fan of Ellyn Satter's work, in books like "Child of Mine." It's the parents' job to decide when and what a family eats, and the child's job to decide whether and how much to eat of what is offered. If you throw your lunch on the floor, the natural consequence is that you get hungry before dinner.

So, a couple of things might help:

Make sure that there's at least one food on the table that he does usually like -- a favorite fruit, or bread and butter, or whatever -- so that he's not left going hungry because he genuinely hates an entire meal. Do not coax, cajole, nag, or order him to eat any part of his meal, even if him not eating it bugs you, even if it's "healthy" and good for him.

Do not ever, ever, ever give in to whining. Not in public, not at home, not ever. One polite request for a treat is OK -- if the answer to the request is "no," it must not ever, ever, ever be changed to "yes" by repeated asking, whining, screaming, or tantrums. He is whining and throwing fits because it works -- you give him what he wants -- so he has every incentive to keep doing it. I mean, I'd whine too if it made people do what I wanted!

He doesn't have to eat when you make food -- that is his business, not yours -- but he can't throw it on the floor. Food-throwing means that that meal is over right this minute and he can try again at the next meal. You don't have to punish or get upset, just take the plate away the second any food goes airborne, because clearly that meal is over.

He is still a very little guy, so I'd build scheduled, formal snacktime into the day. It doesn't mean he gets junk food whenever he whines for it, just that you have five meals (or whatever works for you) every day, at the same times, made out of healthy foods that you feel comfortable feeding him. Snacks can be fruit and cheesesticks, or whatever. That way he never has to go terribly long without a chance to eat if he's hungry, and also that if he blows a meal by throwing food (and at first, I'm sure he will!) he gets another chance in a couple of hours, instead of waiting from lunch to dinner. He might behave a lot better if there's a clear, comforting routine, and he always knows when to expect to eat, too. It can be chaotic and a little scary for a young kid if sometimes you say yes, sometimes no, sometimes no can be turned into yes by your behavior, and he can never be sure what to expect.
 
#6 ·
Yes, stop giving him the cookies and snack-y things he wants. I wouldn't say don't allow any food except for meals, b/c I don't think that's the issue. I would say only have available healthy snack foods like fresh fruit, veggies, yogurt, cheese, nuts, etc. I don't mind if my kids want to eat 7 times a day, as long as it's not junk food over real food.

The throwing of the food and whining would not be acceptable. If he doesn't want to eat, then fine, he can leave the table. Throwing food and crying about it indicates he is done. I wouldn't withhold anything to eat like, say, 30 minutes later - but would not give in to demands for cookies. I don't make my kids eat all their dinner before desert, but this doesn't sound the issue - we don't even have anything unhealthy in the house more than occasionally. And when I bake treats - they don't last long enough to get in the way of healthy eating in general; they are an addition, not replacement, yk?
 
#7 ·
Often my 2.5 year old will say "I'm hungry". I ask him what he wants to eat, and he'll say "chocolate". At that point, unless I'm up for giving him a small treat, I'll say "Chocolate is not a healthy choice. You can have a banana, or cheese". Or something like that. If he's hungry, he'll take one of my options or suggest another something healthy. If he's not, he might throw a little tantrum for chocolate, but he gets over it.

I would be ok with him not eating at mealtimes, but I would take it away as soon as he starts throwing it. I would also only offer healthy choices between meals. He'll get the idea soon enough.

(As far as shopping goes, I'm not above a lollipop while we grocery shop. I just give him one of those little dum dums and it keeps him happy through the trip.)
 
#9 ·
I'd keep giving him snacks. Not cookies and treats, but he can still snack. I rarely go 4 hours without food, I won't make my kids do it.

Serve healthy food and let him eat however much of it he wants. If he starts throwing food, he's done eating and can get down.

You have to be consistent. He knows you're not and he knows how to get what he wants. If that isn't something you want him to have, don't give it to him.

ETA: I don't buy my kids something when we go shopping. For special occassions we do but that's it. I also avoid taking my kids food shopping unless I absolutely have to.
 
#10 ·
Less food served at a time = less mess so only give him a tiny portion at a time when he eats that then add more. I would still provide snacks but good ones since he is growing and many kids do better grazing than eating all their food at one time.
 
#11 ·
We let our DD completely self regulate with food, so we absolutely wouldn't withhold food. Social eating instead of listening to your body's cues causes obesity and other food issues. It's healthier to eat about 6 very small meals than the 2 or 3 large ones we eat in our culture. Part of self regulating is we never tell our DD to eat anything. Food is never an issue. And she never whines for food because she can just have it. We control her nutritional intake by only having foods in the house we don't mind her eating. The food throwing is a stage related to his age. Just give him a bite of each thing and then give him more of what he wants to eat. 3 pieces of food on the floor wouldn't be a mess. And if you don't have things like cookies you shouldn't really care if he wanted garbanzo beans, some cheese or a banana instead of the meal.
 
#12 ·
I always thought grazing was fine and dandy, and I know it can work for some families. However, I found it didn't work for us as dd wouldn't eat at mealtimes and would then be hungry afterwards. I found Ellyn Satter's book mentioned here (as pp suggested) so I checked it out from the library and her "method" has helped us greatly. I offer 3 meals a day and 3 snacks. Dd eats what she wants from what I serve at those times, as much as she wants except for sweet items like squash brownies, I give her a generous portion and that's all she can have. It is always plenty of healthy food with at least one dish being something she prefers.

ETA: I know the word withholding sounds mean, but I think it is fine to teach your child to eat at mealtimes. They will not go hungry if you allow them to eat as much as they want at those times and make sure the food has plenty of good fat, as well as snacks between meals.
 
#13 ·
Well, I firmly believe that eating, like using the toilet, or sleeping, are fundamentally needs, not wants. So in the sense that children need to learn how to meet those needs in a healthy way, parents can set children up for success and guide them towards healthy habits. But I do think, very strongly, that it is healthy for children to desire control in these areas. And I think parents should find healthy and reasonable ways to respect that desire.

I think junk food is a want, not a need. I think playing games with food, and wasting food, is a want, not a need. Asking for a sandwich, and then throwing it down and demanding spaghetti is not a need. Not everything a child does with food is a need. But eating is a need, and just as we trust babies to know when they are hungry, I don't think it should ever be the goal, in regards to feeding older children, to force them to comply with arbitrary schedules, and assume that being older and the food purchaser, children owe us an abdication of all control over their eating habits. The goal should be self control and self discipline, as much as possible.

So, when my ds was that age, I did not buy junk food. Food was never a reward (you mentioned you had been using it as a motivation/incentive). Food was given in very.small.portions. He had no opportunity to waste food. We did not play games with food. If he were to throw a sandwich on the floor, rather than argue about it, or try to force him to eat it--I dusted it off and ate it myself. But the next time he asked for a sandwich, or anything whatsoever, it was given in bite sized pieces one at at time. He quickly got the point. He could have what he wanted to eat, and he could eat when he decided he was hungry, but self control, respect for food, and self discipline were front and center. If he lost control, it was not a total loss, or a power struggle about him vs. me, but a reduction of control to the degree necessary to eliminate wastefuless. He was not free to waste food. Children understand the difference.

This was a very no-nonsense process. As I said, being silly, or manipulative with food, is not a need, and I had no problem saying "No" to situations that had nothing to do with a genuine desire to meet his needs.
 
#14 ·
To me, this sounds like something else is going on totally unrelated to food/eating.

I would never withhold food, ever. I wouldn't have junk food in the house for him to whine for. If a child asks for food, I would give it to them, but it will be a healthy option, which they can either accept or deny.

How are you responding when he throws the food?
 
#15 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by heartmama View Post
So, when my ds was that age, I did not buy junk food.
This is how I always thought I would be.

Before I had a baby, my buying and eating habits were very healthy and very much planned out.

Even when I had a baby, they still were, when I was breastfeeding.

Then the toddler years hit and DS tried some of DH's food...and well DH is a junk food lover. And a comfort food lover. A lover of all things canned with preservatives and lots of salt.

So gradually DS came to demand only those things he found very tasty (mostly DH's food).

So that's the battle. If DH's food choices were better, we'd do better overall. Now, of course, I'm not guilt-free. I mean, I do end up relenting and buying the junk food to stop the whining when my patience wears thin, especially if I am really busy or something.
 
#16 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by l_olive View Post
I'd start by giving him much less food at once. Like maybe just a small section of his sandwich. Tell him that if he throws it, you'll know he must not be hungry and his meal is over. If he eats it, he can have a little more of the prepared meal.
I agree with this tactic, although I'm going to add a wrinkle in later.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Thalia the Muse View Post
I think that not offering unlimited snacks is a great way to manage the situation. I'm a big fan of Ellyn Satter's work, in books like "Child of Mine." It's the parents' job to decide when and what a family eats, and the child's job to decide whether and how much to eat of what is offered. If you throw your lunch on the floor, the natural consequence is that you get hungry before dinner. ...

He is still a very little guy, so I'd build scheduled, formal snacktime into the day. It doesn't mean he gets junk food whenever he whines for it, just that you have five meals (or whatever works for you) every day, at the same times, made out of healthy foods that you feel comfortable feeding him. Snacks can be fruit and cheesesticks, or whatever. That way he never has to go terribly long without a chance to eat if he's hungry, and also that if he blows a meal by throwing food (and at first, I'm sure he will!) he gets another chance in a couple of hours, instead of waiting from lunch to dinner. He might behave a lot better if there's a clear, comforting routine, and he always knows when to expect to eat, too. It can be chaotic and a little scary for a young kid if sometimes you say yes, sometimes no, sometimes no can be turned into yes by your behavior, and he can never be sure what to expect.
I agree with this completely too. However.

Since he's a junk addict, I would present a VERY small amount of the junk food type stuff alongside the small piece of sandwich at the meal/snack/whatever.

In other words, I would start ending the power play by focusing on the throwing and the quantities available to be thrown. I would fight the junk food battle later (but not offer unlimited junk; just not cut it off cold turkey.)
 
#17 ·
Haven't read all the responses, but the first thing that popped into my head was that you aren't withholding food. You just aren't giving him the exact food that he wants when he wants it. You are offering him regular, healthy meals, and he is choosing not to eat those meals. His choice, not yours.

I agree with the PP who said to serve him smaller portions and make sure each meal has SOMETHING that he likes. The instant he throws food on the floor is the instant his meal is over. If he later complains about being hungry, then he can finish eating whatever was served at the meal. Nothing else. Rinse and repeat at the next meal.

Sooooo easy for me to say when my DS is only 14-months-old.......
 
#18 ·
Quote:
If DH's food choices were better, we'd do better overall.
Small amounts of junk do not seem, to me, to be a big deal -- I sometimes eat junk-foody treats, and I'm comfortable letting my daughter have what I think are reasonable amounts of candy or chips or whatever. But feeling like you are powerless to control how much junk your three-year-old eats IS a big deal. He's three -- his parents decide that for him.

There are lots of things that grown-ups do that toddlers don't get to do -- stay up late, watch really scary movies, drink alcohol, drive the car. So just because his dad, who is old enough to understand the long-term consequences of his dietary choices, likes to have certain things doesn't mean your son has to be fed those things every time he whines for them. Shutting it down now is good practice for when he's in elementary school and everyone else's mom lets them go see "Transformers 82: The Breast-Implants and Explosions Special Extended Edition," and you're the mean mom who says no.
 
#19 ·
If it were me in that situation I would feed him if he says he's hungry, but as others have said you are in charge of what the choices for his meals and snacks are. Just set your limits and stick with it. "You had a cookie today and too much sugar isn't good for your body. You have already had enough sugar. Tomorrow you can pick another treat." If he's hungry he'll eat. He won't starve himself. Small portions and if he throws, then he's done. He can try again later. 30 minutes or however long you think is appropriate to wait before you allow him to attempt eating without throwing again.

I totally agree with what Thalia the Muse said about some things being for only adults. My husband is a junk food lover and fruit, veggie, and whole grains hater. He drinks pop or koolaid at almost every meal! My nearly 4 year old DD has never had either of these drinks. We simply say it's "daddy's juice" or "a grown up drink". Just like daddy's sharp tools, or a sharp kitchen knife some things aren't for small children. Before my daughter ever started solid foods we had agreed she simply would not get get those foods while young. My DH pretty much knows if he had given her any of that stuff I would freak out. Maybe when she's 5 or 7 or whenever we decide she's old enough, then she can try some pop or koolaid.

By the way I'm not totally against junk food. My DD has had cookies, ice cream, cake, candy, etc. I just introduce junk food slowly and selectively.
 
#20 ·
We are similar to many of you--I aim to eat healthy and my DH will bring home all kinds of junk food.

I think the child should learn to self regulate with your help. If junk food is a forbidden item, as soon as they are on their own they will go crazy over it. I also think it's important to not set up power struggles over small things.

If my DD wants one of DH's m&m cookies when we sit down to supper, it's not a big deal to me if she has one right then and there. Then she will happily eat her meal and there is no issue. Cookies aren't a reward for eating her meal, they are just something else we have in the house to eat. Anything we have in our house (that she finds
) she can choose to eat if she wants.

We frequently discuss what is healthy and what isn't. I will remind her she has had a lot of sweets and point out that she is grumpy because she needs some healthy food. She's 3 now and she is beginning to understand. Some days she has bad food choice days, but a lot of the time now she will choose to have an apple over cookies or some cheese instead of chips. She knows that she needs to eat veggies and fruits and other healthy foods to grow big and strong, and if she's not sure about whether something is healthy or junk food she will ask and then decide for herself if she should eat it right then.

I feel like trusting her instincts not only empowers her and makes her feel good, it also gives her a life long sense of how to eat well.
(And it works! No power struggles, and a healthy kid who likes to eat healthy foods!)
 
#21 ·


This would be the way I'd handle it. This describes very closely the way we handle food in our house, and we've had a lot of success with it.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Thalia the Muse View Post
I think that not offering unlimited snacks is a great way to manage the situation. I'm a big fan of Ellyn Satter's work, in books like "Child of Mine." It's the parents' job to decide when and what a family eats, and the child's job to decide whether and how much to eat of what is offered. If you throw your lunch on the floor, the natural consequence is that you get hungry before dinner.

So, a couple of things might help:

Make sure that there's at least one food on the table that he does usually like -- a favorite fruit, or bread and butter, or whatever -- so that he's not left going hungry because he genuinely hates an entire meal. Do not coax, cajole, nag, or order him to eat any part of his meal, even if him not eating it bugs you, even if it's "healthy" and good for him.

Do not ever, ever, ever give in to whining. Not in public, not at home, not ever. One polite request for a treat is OK -- if the answer to the request is "no," it must not ever, ever, ever be changed to "yes" by repeated asking, whining, screaming, or tantrums. He is whining and throwing fits because it works -- you give him what he wants -- so he has every incentive to keep doing it. I mean, I'd whine too if it made people do what I wanted!

He doesn't have to eat when you make food -- that is his business, not yours -- but he can't throw it on the floor. Food-throwing means that that meal is over right this minute and he can try again at the next meal. You don't have to punish or get upset, just take the plate away the second any food goes airborne, because clearly that meal is over.

He is still a very little guy, so I'd build scheduled, formal snacktime into the day. It doesn't mean he gets junk food whenever he whines for it, just that you have five meals (or whatever works for you) every day, at the same times, made out of healthy foods that you feel comfortable feeding him. Snacks can be fruit and cheesesticks, or whatever. That way he never has to go terribly long without a chance to eat if he's hungry, and also that if he blows a meal by throwing food (and at first, I'm sure he will!) he gets another chance in a couple of hours, instead of waiting from lunch to dinner. He might behave a lot better if there's a clear, comforting routine, and he always knows when to expect to eat, too. It can be chaotic and a little scary for a young kid if sometimes you say yes, sometimes no, sometimes no can be turned into yes by your behavior, and he can never be sure what to expect.
 
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