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#1 of 80 Old 11-15-2009, 03:04 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I cannot make my dh understand why it makes me so angry that he insists on pulling out the video camera and taping the kids when they are throwing tantrums/crying. He says it's to help them. He insists that if they SEE what they look like when they are upset, they'll not act that way again Or at least think twice about it.
Let me add that he took pictures of me at my absolute lowest period of post-partum depression...slumped in a chair, lifeless and forlorn. And he showed them to me in an attempt to "motivate" me into changing for the better.
I am FURIOUS tonight and he can't understand why. He videotaped our 3 yr old having a bit of an emotional tantrum after movie time ended.
I told him that he will NOT do that to our kids again (or me).
He says he'll do it a THOUSAND times again since it helps the kids.
Please, please...I think I need help in this situation. He won't hear my explanations about how it makes me feel. How it basically is the most emotionally insensitive thing you could do to a person when they are crying, upset, depressed. It is then that someone needs connection, empathy, and understanding. Not a camera shoved in their face so they can see how vulnerable, angry, upset and ridiculous they look afterward.
Help....
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#2 of 80 Old 11-15-2009, 03:17 AM
 
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I am sorry but that sounds horrible. Has he shown these videos to the kids? Did they see what they looked like and never do it again? My guess is no. Since he's willing to do it a 1000 times clearly it's not a deterrent. In my opinion it's just making fun of them and mocking them. Tantrums are completely developmentally normal. I think if someone showed me a picture of myself at a low moent to show me how awful I looked it would push me over the edge. I find it cruel and insensitive. I don't have any links to any psychology journals or anything so I don't think my post is much help. It's just my honest reaction.

So sorry mama.
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#3 of 80 Old 11-15-2009, 03:35 AM - Thread Starter
 
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The thing is...
I think he really feels his heart is in the right place.
He says that if they only knew what they looked like, they wouldn't do it.
My thought is, okay so what's the motivation for them to stop tantruming/hold emotion in? Fear of looking foolish/vulnerable in front of others? Sounds like a recipe for an emotionally constipated person.
But besides that, I am deeply disturbed that he has absolutely no regard for my feelings on this issues. He feels he is right/justified and his utter disregard for my feelings has me INFURIATED.
I guess it's been a pattern for us that is coming up again. Me feeling strongly about an issue, him ignoring my feelings. This is a trigger for me.
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#4 of 80 Old 11-15-2009, 04:04 AM
 
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How about getting another camera and tape hubby taping your tantruming child and show him how ridiculous, unhelpful, and insensitive he looks? Turnabout is fair play and all that...

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#5 of 80 Old 11-15-2009, 04:07 AM
 
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or his beloved camera accidentally gets dropped onto the cement patio from a 2nd story window and breaks into a gazillion pieces; it could happen

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#6 of 80 Old 11-15-2009, 04:23 AM
 
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That sounds so incredibly messed up, that I can't help but think MAJOR therapy/counseling is in order, for him, perhaps couples' counseling for starters.

Does he always lack empathy?

Is he always so vain that he cares more about what others think than how people feel?
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#7 of 80 Old 11-15-2009, 04:46 AM
 
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Ugh. Film him trying to remove a video tape from an orifice? I'm sorry, but that's just mean. I would cry harder if someone was following me around with a camera.
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#8 of 80 Old 11-15-2009, 05:03 AM
 
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My biggest issue with what you've written is that even if he feels it's helpful (in his own misguided way ) if you are THAT uncomfortable with something he's doing (anything, really) then he should respect your wishes.

And, if he really thinks it's helpful, why does he need to do it over and over? If it worked the kids wouldn't have tantrums anymore, right?

If I were in your shoes, I think I'd be dragging dh to marriage counseling. Whether or not filming kids having a tantrum is right or wrong (and I think most of us are going to agree that it's insensitive and intrusive) the fact that he can't or won't understand your feelings enough to see where you're coming from is a problem imho.

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#9 of 80 Old 11-15-2009, 05:05 AM
 
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I'm sorry but for me, I'd really need to get into counseling with DH right away. Not respecting the boundaries of you/your children is really troubling.

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#10 of 80 Old 11-15-2009, 05:09 AM - Thread Starter
 
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We've been talking for the last hour and he still doesn't understand my points.
Our little one did stop tantruming when he showed the tape (which is right around the moment I walked in and lost it) and he feels that this is proof that it worked.
My dh has some sort of disorder going on....I honestly think it is Asperger's Syndrome. He is a very quirky guy. I know he loves the kids but this is not the first time he's blown my mind with some of his very odd emotional disconnection.
But he cannot see my point on this. He can only see his. He asked me to cross post in a different forum this way to see if it would elicit a different response (he feels the way I am phrasing the incident here is what is causing angry reactions):

"Is there value if a tantruming child is able to see themselves (as in being videotaped)?"

He thinks people will actually SEE the value
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#11 of 80 Old 11-15-2009, 05:29 AM
 
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Even better just ONE visit to a child psychologist, covered by insurance, will tell you that this is damaging to a child's sense of safety and self-esteem.

Note: no matter what she is doing, DD will stop to watch herself on TV/video. It's a novelty to a child and has nothing to do with "learning" if that behavior bothers anyone else.

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#12 of 80 Old 11-15-2009, 05:41 AM
 
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If my DH was doing this and absolutely refused to stop, in the short term I'd either break or make the camera disappear (same for any new ones that might pop up including phones that have video capability). In the long term, we would be going to marriage counseling to find a way to communicate about this, because both his behavior as far as using video taping as a learning tool and the continuing to do it despite your feelings on the matter would not be something I would tolerate.

I hope you find a way to resolve this with your DH .
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#13 of 80 Old 11-15-2009, 05:44 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I immediately took the camera and hid it. Then I (in a moment of RAGE) screamed at him in front of the kids and called him a few choice words. Bad, I know. I was FURIOUS.
I also told him I wanted him OUT. That's how strongly I feel about this.
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#14 of 80 Old 11-15-2009, 06:26 AM
 
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#15 of 80 Old 11-15-2009, 07:44 AM
 
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Ask him if it works so well, why do the kids still throw tantrums. Hopefully, he has good intentions, but obviously it's not working. It's making you feel bad, and that should be enough of a reason for him to reconsider his behavior. At best, he is being HIGHLY inconsiderate of you and your opinions.

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#16 of 80 Old 11-15-2009, 07:57 AM
 
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Oh wow... I don't have any advice, but that just makes me very sad for you. His behavior is not appropriate (however much he feels that he is "helping") and the fact that you are so strongly opposed to it should be enough to make him rethink his actions. I hope you are able to resolve this soon.

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#17 of 80 Old 11-15-2009, 11:34 AM
 
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Wow. That would be frustrating.

I can understand him trying it once, even with you. I have seen many times recommended, on MDC even, that a spouse record their spouses words or behavior to give them an idea of how unhealthy their behavior is and how it looks to others. However, continuing it when it doesn't work, or when it enrages the other spouse was not a wise decision on his part.

OTOH, if he has Aspergers, that kind of complicates things. I think counseling would be useful for both of you.
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#18 of 80 Old 11-15-2009, 11:53 AM
 
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and

If he won't listen you, then I agree you need to see a professional. How sad for you and your children. I cannot even imagine.
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#19 of 80 Old 11-15-2009, 12:05 PM
 
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This does not "work" at all. Emotions must have an outlet for expression, and if you make the home setting stressful and impossible, nothing positive will ever come from it.

Forget how it makes you or the children feel or any subjective opinion; demand that if he plans to do this again, he must show you 5 studies that show it to be harmless. He won't be able to, because there are studies, and they show that this causes extreme emotional stuntedness. It causes children to feel unsafe and that they have no forum where they can express their feelings. They might learn not to throw tantrums in front of dad and throw them when he's not home. That's the minimum damage he may be causing.

They'll either throw them at school where they feel safer (what my brothers did), stuff their feelings until they snap, have to relearn with expensive psychologists how to express emotions and opinions (believe me, EXPENSIVE).

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#20 of 80 Old 11-15-2009, 12:20 PM
 
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"Dear Husband,

What you are doing is humiliating, abusive, and damaging to our relationship and to healthy development of our babies. This will not go on. Your choices are:

#1. To stop. NOW. (if you feel you need to seek professional help to see my point - I will support you).

#2. To lose your wife and your children. We will not be abused in this manner.

Heartbroken,

Your Wife."


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#21 of 80 Old 11-15-2009, 12:37 PM
 
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have you tried to do the same with your dh? videotaped him when he was at his worst? angry or down?

i can see he is a stubborn man but a good one eh? i just wish you could find a way of showing him how his ways are futile.

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#22 of 80 Old 11-15-2009, 12:41 PM
 
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My father did that to me one time and did show me the tape. I was absolutely horrified at how I looked. I couldn't believe how I looked to others so my tantrums stopped. Now it didn't stop other bad behaviour that I perpetrated but it did help with that bit of my behaviour. I will give it to my dad, he destroyed the tape after he showed it to me.

I think it has a lot to do with the child and their level of maturity. While I have no plans of doing that with my daughter, I don't think that I would completely count out that as a tool to use.
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#23 of 80 Old 11-15-2009, 01:45 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I am curious whether more context about who my dh is as a parent change your response.
He is otherwise a very involved, attentive, active, loving and pro-attachment parenting dad. He supports our breastfeeding, family bed, non-vax, non-circ, homebirthing value wholeheartedly.
THIS though. Ugh.
He honestly believe in value here. I think it's because he was raised (we both were) in authoritarian households and reverts back to some weird ideas about what instills change in another person.
I've let him know that REGARDLESS of what he feels what "benefit" can come out of this for me/the kids, I want him to STOP because I/we don't like it.
That is ENOUGH for him to stop immediately.
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#24 of 80 Old 11-15-2009, 02:48 PM
 
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I'm sorry he's doing that to you...how crazy!! That is extremely disrespectful.

My parents used to always threatening to tape us when we were upset/tantruming as kids and then show it to our future boyfriends but they never actually DID it...it was more like a joke-type thing.

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#25 of 80 Old 11-15-2009, 03:39 PM
 
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Oh my goddess... this is the most horrifying thing I've heard all day. I don't have any advice that others haven't given already, but I did want to offer some hugs and emotional support. I'm going through some PPD right now (first time ever), and it's so awful. I already feel stupid crying all the time. I KNOW how ridiculous I look, thank you very much! I can't even fathom how I'd feel if DH took pictures to prove the point. Like a pp said, I'd probably be pushed over the edge. I'm so sorry you've got to deal with this. (((hugs)))

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#26 of 80 Old 11-15-2009, 04:00 PM
 
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My ex did this but to me only. He video taped me at nine months pregnant with him having just thrown me down a flight of stairs and me saying i couldn't live any longer and he had all the kids with him and he kept saying look kids mama doesn't want to live anymore, she is going to leave all of you without a mama. It was horrible and violating. The camera was stolen out of his truck which i believe was his karma for it. I'm sorry he is doing that. It isn't helpful it is a breech of trust and horribly violating. We should all be able to experience life without it having to be videotaped and thrown back into our faces.
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#27 of 80 Old 11-15-2009, 05:43 PM
 
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I've used my "tantrum cam" before--mostly when I was exhausted with a frustrated child and wanted to watch it when I wasn't so I could figure out what the heck was going on....But then.....Dd went through a phase where she loved watching her "fits" on the computer, and she would coach herself on the video--like "it's time to take a deeeeeeeep breath and use your words!"
So,, it turned out to be a strange and unique learning experience for her that I never intended for.

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#28 of 80 Old 11-16-2009, 12:09 AM
 
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People are over-reacting. I've never done this, but been tempted to. The temptation comes out of conversations with the upset person where they completely disavow any tantrums or otherwise ridiculous behavior. So, then logically you think about SHOWING them that they actually do the crazy stuff.

There is an Everybody Loves Raymond where he tapes Deborah when she's upset with him. I think it's a common phenomenon. Certainly not worth destroying your husband's property, dragging him into counseling, yelling at him, and then divorcing him like various people have suggested in the thread.

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#29 of 80 Old 11-16-2009, 12:35 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I did find lost of talk about it at several sites...but quite frankly, none of them were attachment parenting sites and none were gentle discipline centered either. They all seemed pretty authoritarian-based models.
I don't know what's going on in the mainstream media in terms of sitcoms...the scope of things that are normalized...and I don't rely on it for my own personal reference. There are several thing normalized in the mainstream that are the exact opposite of my ideals.
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#30 of 80 Old 11-16-2009, 12:35 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Oh...and the camera is my property
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