Let me add that he took pictures of me at my absolute lowest period of post-partum depression...slumped in a chair, lifeless and forlorn. And he showed them to me in an attempt to "motivate" me into changing for the better.
I am FURIOUS tonight and he can't understand why. He videotaped our 3 yr old having a bit of an emotional tantrum after movie time ended.
I told him that he will NOT do that to our kids again (or me).
He says he'll do it a THOUSAND times again since it helps the kids.
Please, please...I think I need help in this situation. He won't hear my explanations about how it makes me feel. How it basically is the most emotionally insensitive thing you could do to a person when they are crying, upset, depressed. It is then that someone needs connection, empathy, and understanding. Not a camera shoved in their face so they can see how vulnerable, angry, upset and ridiculous they look afterward.
So sorry mama.
I think he really feels his heart is in the right place.
He says that if they only knew what they looked like, they wouldn't do it.
My thought is, okay so what's the motivation for them to stop tantruming/hold emotion in? Fear of looking foolish/vulnerable in front of others? Sounds like a recipe for an emotionally constipated person.
But besides that, I am deeply disturbed that he has absolutely no regard for my feelings on this issues. He feels he is right/justified and his utter disregard for my feelings has me INFURIATED.
I guess it's been a pattern for us that is coming up again. Me feeling strongly about an issue, him ignoring my feelings. This is a trigger for me.
Does he always lack empathy?
Is he always so vain that he cares more about what others think than how people feel?
And, if he really thinks it's helpful, why does he need to do it over and over? If it worked the kids wouldn't have tantrums anymore, right?
If I were in your shoes, I think I'd be dragging dh to marriage counseling. Whether or not filming kids having a tantrum is right or wrong (and I think most of us are going to agree that it's insensitive and intrusive) the fact that he can't or won't understand your feelings enough to see where you're coming from is a problem imho.
Declutter - 789/2010 (counting the stuff on my porch waiting for a Freecycler to pick it up! )
Our little one did stop tantruming when he showed the tape (which is right around the moment I walked in and lost it) and he feels that this is proof that it worked.
My dh has some sort of disorder going on....I honestly think it is Asperger's Syndrome. He is a very quirky guy. I know he loves the kids but this is not the first time he's blown my mind with some of his very odd emotional disconnection.
But he cannot see my point on this. He can only see his. He asked me to cross post in a different forum this way to see if it would elicit a different response (he feels the way I am phrasing the incident here is what is causing angry reactions):
"Is there value if a tantruming child is able to see themselves (as in being videotaped)?"
He thinks people will actually SEE the value
Note: no matter what she is doing, DD will stop to watch herself on TV/video. It's a novelty to a child and has nothing to do with "learning" if that behavior bothers anyone else.
I hope you find a way to resolve this with your DH .
I also told him I wanted him OUT. That's how strongly I feel about this.
I'm me. In love with this guy. We're bringing up two girls: Big A (8) and Little A (3)
I can understand him trying it once, even with you. I have seen many times recommended, on MDC even, that a spouse record their spouses words or behavior to give them an idea of how unhealthy their behavior is and how it looks to others. However, continuing it when it doesn't work, or when it enrages the other spouse was not a wise decision on his part.
OTOH, if he has Aspergers, that kind of complicates things. I think counseling would be useful for both of you.
Forget how it makes you or the children feel or any subjective opinion; demand that if he plans to do this again, he must show you 5 studies that show it to be harmless. He won't be able to, because there are studies, and they show that this causes extreme emotional stuntedness. It causes children to feel unsafe and that they have no forum where they can express their feelings. They might learn not to throw tantrums in front of dad and throw them when he's not home. That's the minimum damage he may be causing.
They'll either throw them at school where they feel safer (what my brothers did), stuff their feelings until they snap, have to relearn with expensive psychologists how to express emotions and opinions (believe me, EXPENSIVE).
What you are doing is humiliating, abusive, and damaging to our relationship and to healthy development of our babies. This will not go on. Your choices are:
#1. To stop. NOW. (if you feel you need to seek professional help to see my point - I will support you).
#2. To lose your wife and your children. We will not be abused in this manner.
Raising Alice in Wonderland (DSD, 17), and in love with a Superman
i can see he is a stubborn man but a good one eh? i just wish you could find a way of showing him how his ways are futile.
I think it has a lot to do with the child and their level of maturity. While I have no plans of doing that with my daughter, I don't think that I would completely count out that as a tool to use.
He is otherwise a very involved, attentive, active, loving and pro-attachment parenting dad. He supports our breastfeeding, family bed, non-vax, non-circ, homebirthing value wholeheartedly.
THIS though. Ugh.
He honestly believe in value here. I think it's because he was raised (we both were) in authoritarian households and reverts back to some weird ideas about what instills change in another person.
I've let him know that REGARDLESS of what he feels what "benefit" can come out of this for me/the kids, I want him to STOP because I/we don't like it.
That is ENOUGH for him to stop immediately.
My parents used to always threatening to tape us when we were upset/tantruming as kids and then show it to our future boyfriends but they never actually DID it...it was more like a joke-type thing.
Homeschooling mom to 4
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Tristian, vegetarian wife to Matt, intactivist, UC supporting mama to my little earth-child-in-training, Ginny (4), and my sweet boy, Finnian (2). Due mid-July with our third little one!
So,, it turned out to be a strange and unique learning experience for her that I never intended for.
There is an Everybody Loves Raymond where he tapes Deborah when she's upset with him. I think it's a common phenomenon. Certainly not worth destroying your husband's property, dragging him into counseling, yelling at him, and then divorcing him like various people have suggested in the thread.
I don't know what's going on in the mainstream media in terms of sitcoms...the scope of things that are normalized...and I don't rely on it for my own personal reference. There are several thing normalized in the mainstream that are the exact opposite of my ideals.
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