So if you don't spank....what do you do? - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 90 Old 02-02-2010, 01:35 AM - Thread Starter
 
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What do you do with blatant out and out disrespect?

DD, age 3, spit in my mom's face tonight.

*I* would have been spanked for this. Absolutely no questions asked.

you have to know my dd to know that yes, she knew EXACTLY what she was doing, she was mad and she was letting her know. She knows full well it is wrong to spit at somebody, she was doing it precisely because she was angry and wanted to get a rise. (This is a highly intelligent, very verbal, intense, dramatic child. An absolute love.)

I heard about it after the fact.

So, what do you do? Because I know I don't want to spank for this kind of thing, but I want to make it absolutely 100% clear this is NOT COOL. (my first experience with a child who does this kind of thing DS1 never would have thought of it)

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#2 of 90 Old 02-02-2010, 02:01 AM
 
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I have a similar question too, wish I had advice. DD does outright disrespect us sometimes (she is similar in age to your DD). In our family we want to make it very clear that this is inappropriate and won't be tolerated but I am not sure what to do. We try talking about her feelings but my only suggestion is maybe to say "I know you are angry but you cannot act this way...try this to release your anger..." The problem is that I don't know what "this" is and what would work for her. Punching a pillow? a time-out to cool down? I am still working on this.

ETA: One thing we have a time with is a blatant, obstinate "NO!" when we ask her to do something (like pick a toy she threw or something) I am clueless what to do here. I want to be gentle and understanding but I we need to help her understand that sometimes she must do what we ask (especially if it involves her safety).

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#3 of 90 Old 02-02-2010, 02:29 AM
 
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It's hard to answer that type of question, really. Because there isn't one thing that I do *instead* of spanking. There's not something that replaces spanking. It's a whole different type of relationship and interaction, kwim?

What I would likely do in that situation (I'm trying to think back to a situation where ds did something that was totally NOT ok, and I was completely appalled by what he did)

I respond with a "what in the world are you doing?!?!?!" type of voice. I say "NO! You can't do THAT!! No. Absolutely NOT ok." (This is said in a really firm "I mean it" voice, but not mean). Then I figure out what he was trying to express, and give him a more socially appropriate way to express it. If he's mad, I tell him that it's ok to be angry, but it's NOT ok to harm anyone or invade their space. I tell him that if he's angry he can X, Y, or Z.

Then later on, in a calm moment, I'd talk to him about the situation. It would be a light conversation, no blaming, no being mad. Just "You must have been angry earlier. What do you think you could have done instead of {what he did}?" Just kind of chit chatting about it.

I don't take hitting or any type of harming or invading others' space lightly. It always gets dealt with, and I definitely convey that it's completely unacceptable. But the key is to give them other ways to express themselves, and help them find ways that feel easy to them.

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#4 of 90 Old 02-02-2010, 02:34 AM
 
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Originally Posted by peaceful_mama View Post
What do you do with blatant out and out disrespect?

DD, age 3, spit in my mom's face tonight.

*I* would have been spanked for this. Absolutely no questions asked.

you have to know my dd to know that yes, she knew EXACTLY what she was doing, she was mad and she was letting her know. She knows full well it is wrong to spit at somebody, she was doing it precisely because she was angry and wanted to get a rise. (This is a highly intelligent, very verbal, intense, dramatic child. An absolute love.)

I heard about it after the fact.

So, what do you do? Because I know I don't want to spank for this kind of thing, but I want to make it absolutely 100% clear this is NOT COOL. (my first experience with a child who does this kind of thing DS1 never would have thought of it)
So you think she knows it's not cool already, right? Which is why she did it?

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Originally Posted by COgirl19 View Post
I have a similar question too, wish I had advice. DD does outright disrespect us sometimes (she is similar in age to your DD). In our family we want to make it very clear that this is inappropriate and won't be tolerated but I am not sure what to do. We try talking about her feelings but my only suggestion is maybe to say "I know you are angry but you cannot act this way...try this to release your anger..." The problem is that I don't know what "this" is and what would work for her. Punching a pillow? a time-out to cool down? I am still working on this.

ETA: One thing we have a time with is a blatant, obstinate "NO!" when we ask her to do something (like pick a toy she threw or something) I am clueless what to do here. I want to be gentle and understanding but I we need to help her understand that sometimes she must do what we ask (especially if it involves her safety).
I think the thing to remember is that you can clearly communicate that it's uncool and inappropriate and disrespectful...without being disrespectful to the child.

It's much easier to communicate that, in fact, when you are modeling respect. I totally understand, BTW, and I fight my punitive impulses constantly, but I've also seen that these behaviors happen no matter what. And most kids grow out of them, and the more respectful you are of them, the faster they grow out of them.

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#5 of 90 Old 02-02-2010, 02:55 AM
 
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I would have done an instant time-out on the spot.

I do talk with dd and figure out where the behavior is coming from together.

But for extreme and sudden disrespect with full knowledge of what's she's doing; I do think that there needs to be kind of a strong reaction so that the kid knows that what she did to Grandma is beyond the bounds of just acting out, yk?

BTW, my daughter sounds a lot like what you described. It is very challenging having an intelligent, spirited, verbal little girl, and I'm not the expert by any means.

But for my girl, she'd have got a time-out and then we'd have talked w/ gma about how she felt when dd spit in her face.

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#6 of 90 Old 02-02-2010, 05:23 AM
 
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"DD, age 3, spit in my mom's face tonight."

My DD, age 3, did this very same thing to me last night, after she told her uncle to "Shut up you (something I didn't understand)"

"*I* would have been spanked for this. Absolutely no questions asked."

I had the same thoughts. As I was carrying her downstairs for an early bed time, I was thinking the same thing. I was taking deep breathes and I walked away (quickly) after she spit in my face.

"(This is a highly intelligent, very verbal, intense, dramatic child. An absolute love.) "

Same here. But I am partly to blame for this time. I know the reason Roey was acting like this was b/c she had eaten a candy necklace. She rarely has dyes or straight sugar and she becomes a different child when exposed to those things. Needless to say, the rest of the necklaces are in the trash. She did not like being by herself but she couldn't be with the rest of the family because she was not keeping our bodies safe. She had to apologize to her uncle and to me. (I think she understood this). We discussed keeping herself and this family safe.

But the old ways are in my brain. I do not act on them but the thoughts are there. I think I may error on the side of not doing anything b/c I'm not alwasy sure what the "right" thing is to do.

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#7 of 90 Old 02-02-2010, 07:41 AM
 
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My DD wouldn't do this i don't think. She hits, but spitting hasn't occurred to her, or maybe she's never seen it...? No idea.

Anyway if she spit in my face i would register, verbally and through expression/body language, DEEP disgust. I would stop immediately, mid-word even, and walk away. If she followed me (which of course she would) i would tell her that spitting is SO disgusting and SO disrespectful and SO revolting that i really couldn't look at her or speak to her for a little while. I would ask her to sit somewhere and have a think about how she'd behaved.

When i wasn't shaking with rage (and i WOULD be if anyone spit in my face!) i would talk to her, explain why i had reacted as i did, and then get an apology and have our usual make-up hug.

I don't know if any of that is "right" or AP, but i wouldn't spank and it's what i'd probably do.
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#8 of 90 Old 02-02-2010, 12:32 PM
 
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think even though your dd is very verbal and gets most things, i think still at three they do have a hard time always finding the words to say exactly how pissed off they are. yes, it is disrespectful, but was she being disrespected? not that it makes the spitting ok, but maybe would give you an idea of why she did it? maybe once everyone calms down i would talk with her, find out what happened from her view point.
an example: like your getting her ready for bed, she keeps saying she wants to stay up, but she needs to do to bed, so your not listening and she gets mad, because her words are not working so she spits. that is her way to get you to stop and listen. not the best method, but she is little and doesn't have a way to make you listen.
and i have to say that sometimes i lack words and some times i just scream (not at anyone, just sort of howl up at the sky) when i just can't figure out what to do.

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#9 of 90 Old 02-02-2010, 12:49 PM
 
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My daughter went through a spitting phase, and I consistently gave her timeouts in her room for it, and explained that her behavior was disrespectful, hurtful and rude and she can't expect people to want to be around her if that's how she treats them.

She got over it. It tapered off into doing it "playfully" with s sort of "cutesy" demeanor, which I think was her testing to see if she would still have consequences for it, and then completely stopped.

You know what helps me with not spanking, is just to tell myself I have NO RIGHT to hit my child, and so I must deal with her as I would deal with any other person who I have no right to hit. If you think of your kid as someone you are somehow "allowed" to hit, it's a lot easier to slip and fall back on spanking.
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#10 of 90 Old 02-02-2010, 01:20 PM
 
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Even if she's very verbal, that doesnt' mean she's good at talking about her emotions, or even understanding and processing her emotions.

"I understand you are angry, but we do not spit at people when we are angry." And then either give her an alternative, "Just tell grandma you are angry if you're angry." Or ask her to come up with an alternative. "Can you think of another, more respectful, way to let people know when you are angry."

Treat it like a teaching opportunity. Spitting is not OK, and this is how she is learning that. So talk to her about the big emotions she's feeling that make her want to spit, and then help her find ways to name and deal with her emotions that work and are respectful.
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#11 of 90 Old 02-02-2010, 01:55 PM
 
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The only thing that helps me, when I am THAT MAD (and I would be PISSED to have anyone spit in my face, least of all my own son) is to think about how I'd handle t if it were a child in my class (I used to teach preschool and also worked in a public school). Obviously I couldn't hit the kid, so what would do instead?

I really struggle too with not spanking for outright disrespect. It's hard to look at the long term effects sometimes when you are in the middle of a really hard parenting moment.

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#12 of 90 Old 02-02-2010, 02:02 PM
 
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We do consequences...

If you don't sit down while eating the popcicle, it goes in the garbage.

We take 'breaks' in the crib...

When you behave like this, it means you need a break. Do you need a break?

We distract...

Want a popsicle? Let's read a book. Where's the dog? Go give this random object to Daddy.

It's hard and imperfect. Especially when outside the home environment. We recently traveled by plane and it was a disaster on all fronts. By the end of the trip, I was physically pinning DD to my body b/c she persisted in running away, trying to get out the air terminal door into the street. I spent a lot of time reminding myself that spanking does not work.

Spanking never works. Other discipline options occasionally work or manifest positively at some distant point in the future so there's no immediate payoff, kwim? Overall, discipline is flawed and prone to gaps in efficacy imo. I don't think any discipline method really works all that great. Especially with younger kids. So it helps not to expect too much.

Spitting for me would be an immediate sharp and horrified NO probably followed by some yelling about unacceptable behavior (which isn't helpful) and removal from situation. As in, we're going home right now this instant and no more fun activities or visits for the day.

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#13 of 90 Old 02-02-2010, 02:03 PM
 
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My three year old went through a spitting phase recently.

If he is not being civil enough to be around other people, we remove him from the situation. I'll either sit with him in the bedroom or, if he spits at me while I'm carrying him, I'll leave him by himself to try and get control of his body. He's allowed to come back whenever he wants (which is usually within a few seconds, heh), but we go right back into the bedroom if he does it again. We also encouraged him to verbalize his emotions ("I'm mad!!!!") instead of spitting.

It rarely happens any more.
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#14 of 90 Old 02-02-2010, 02:32 PM
 
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Originally Posted by craft_media_hero View Post
I would have done an instant time-out on the spot.

I do talk with dd and figure out where the behavior is coming from together.

But for extreme and sudden disrespect with full knowledge of what's she's doing; I do think that there needs to be kind of a strong reaction so that the kid knows that what she did to Grandma is beyond the bounds of just acting out, yk?
I agree (sort of). I would first give her the option of helping grandma clean her face, but if she refused then she would be immediately sat to watch grandma clean it up herself, while I explained that there are better ways to deal with anger (I would also explain that the mess grandma is cleaning, was made by her - by this time I would assume that she knew to clean up her own messes). She would then get a time out (which I almost never agree with), and when time out was done, we would discuss (calmly) her reasons for why she felt so angry in the first place.

I would basically treat it the same way as if she were to hit, kick, or bite. The difference being that spitting hurts emotionally (as opposed to physically), but my point is that she's still acting out in anger, and that's what I would deal with (not specifically the action itself, although that would definitely be addressed).
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#15 of 90 Old 02-02-2010, 02:47 PM
 
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Even if she's very verbal, that doesnt' mean she's good at talking about her emotions, or even understanding and processing her emotions.

"I understand you are angry, but we do not spit at people when we are angry." And then either give her an alternative, "Just tell grandma you are angry if you're angry." Or ask her to come up with an alternative. "Can you think of another, more respectful, way to let people know when you are angry."

Treat it like a teaching opportunity. Spitting is not OK, and this is how she is learning that. So talk to her about the big emotions she's feeling that make her want to spit, and then help her find ways to name and deal with her emotions that work and are respectful.
I love this. This is the reason why I would not remove her from the situation until after she's seen (and understood) what just happened. And even then, a time out would ONLY happen in my home if the child were not showing ANY signs of remorse. The time out would be a "calm down" period (of probably one minute) and when they are ready to talk, we will reconnect and discuss it in a similar manner mentioned above.

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#16 of 90 Old 02-02-2010, 03:04 PM
 
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I have never been a fan of time-outs, but I do believe in removing a child from an emotionally charged situation.

Others have already said what I would say regarding spanking. I always try to remember that the word discipline means "to teach", not to punish. Teaching a child how TO behave is more effective than teaching them what NOT to do, but it is an ongoing process. A child learns to treat others with respect by watching his parents treat others with respect - including the child himself.

Spitting is disgusting, and evokes a very visceral response in adults - but it probably doesn't create the same feelings in a young child. Little kids figure out what is and is not appropriate by trying things out - the first time he climbs up on the kitchen counter to get to the cookie jar, he doesn't realize it's dangerous. Same with spitting. The first time simething happens I treat it as a learning experience - and the lesson is that we do NOT spit! If it continues, that's a different story.

I have twin boys, and when they were that age, if I stopped one from doing something (like standing on a chair), the other would invariably do exactly the same thing. They hadn't made the generalization yet that the rules applied equally to both of them (or they figured they had better check to make sure). They simply weren't able to learn from each other's mistakes at that age (luckily that changed!)

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#17 of 90 Old 02-02-2010, 03:45 PM
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We discuss rude behavior with my 4 year DD when she is calm. She's very social and cares about how other people feel about her so I focus on how other people respond to rudeness and how our behavior and choices are an expression of what kind of person we want to be. We've been dealing with yelling and being bossy lately, so we talk about how she would feel if people yelled at her or rudely ordered her to do stuff. Then we talk about what other people might think of us if we treat them that way ....etc.

We mainly teach manners and respect by modeling it. I also remind myself that my DD is still very much learning how to be a person, especially learning how to deal appropriately with strong emotions. Our DD is also very intense and dramatic but wasn't very verbal early (she verbal now). Her first impulse when angry is to shout, throw something or both. We've gotten to where she says she's angry, goes to her room and slams the door. Sometimes I will suggest she go to her room until she feels less rude.
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#18 of 90 Old 02-02-2010, 03:54 PM
 
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If ya don't spank, ya beat em like a gong. But in all seriousness, with the spitting thing, I took a different approach and made it fun to spit until she got it out of her system. Oh you bet I wanted yell and time out and go back to yelling after the time out. I took a sharp loud tone and did the NO! NO SPITTING AT PEOPLE thing. Then I took her outside with a cup and a pitcher of water and she got to spit water all over the dirt and grass. until she had enough fun with that. She's done it once since then, and that wasn't a real spit, it was a pretend spit, so she got the raised voice, the cup and pitcher, and outside in the grass treatment again. I think it is safe to say there is no more issue now.

And now the rule is, if you have to spit, you spit in the toilet, or go outside and do it discreetly and privately. Very rarely do I turn a punishment in to something enjoyable or an experiment for her, but I think some things are more productive that way. Good luck.
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#19 of 90 Old 02-02-2010, 05:42 PM
 
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It's important to remember that spanking isn't being replaced. When I view parents who spank, I really view their relationship as completely punitive - "you will do what I say because I'm bigger" - and that's not my goal for parenting. My goal is to teach my children how to grow into kind, compassionate people.

Neither of my children have ever spit at us, though DD does sometimes spit into the toilet. Spitting for whatever reason just gags me, so I'm sure *my* reaction would be to gag just out of reflex.

I do put my children into time-outs for things that I view as particularly egregious, such as hitting. Spitting probably would go there as well, though not the first time. Time-outs for us are not isolated painful events. They're more "clearly you need a break from everyone," and yes now to my 5YO they are a loss of freedom for a short time.

I also think it's important to note that there's no universal answer to this situation. What I'd actually do in the specific scenario depends on why she did it, what else was going on, her usual relationship with Grandma, etc.

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#20 of 90 Old 02-02-2010, 08:12 PM
 
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I'd do an immediate time out with a STERN TALKING TO at that point. I rarely break out the "punitive language" but I think spitting combined with Grandma would really tweak me out.

She is really little, she is learning what's expected of her, and what's not ok, a spanking isn't going to help matters at all--but I think this is a situation that I would want to be VERY clear that her actions were unnacceptable.

My DD went through a thing where she did not like her great-grandma, and was very rude to her when she was three. She was also verbal, and spirited, and the only thing that got through to her was me actually demonstrating and telling her how horrified and upset her behavior made me. I told her that I loved Great-Grandma very much--so hurting her feelings just hurt my feelings! It was honestly more words, and deeper than I felt like I should go with DD, but she either got what I was saying, or she could see that I was angry, red-faced, and sputtering and it made an impact. Either way, my reaction was honest and from the gut and though I wouldn't live it again if I had the choice--she did get it/change her behavior going forward.

Not easy, mama--I'm sorry you have to deal with this!
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#21 of 90 Old 02-02-2010, 08:44 PM
 
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i guess i am not getting this. maybe it is because i have had adults spit at me at work, and when people are spitting they aren't usually able to get you to see what they want and so they are acting out. i would never hit an adult, so i would not hit my kids for it.
we are talking about very young children, people with little to no life experience and very little self control. so the general consensus is to either yell in their face or yell at them, show the disgust at them and then put them in time out. not sure this is effective. how exactly will this teach them how to control their behavior and learn more appropriate ways to express themselves when we are screaming at them. we are losing control, we are showing it is ok to disrespect and to be scary.
i also don't think forcing them to clean up someones face or watch someone clean up their face and then putting them in time out for not being sorry will work on what it is you want them to get from this. think about when you are angry... are you sorry? probably not, and if later you are you have the ability to process your actions, think about it and then feel remorse... you can't force that on someone.
and yes, with 5 kids i have been spit on. it is gross, but i did notice that when they got to the spitting point, they were pretty upset. they had no other way to get me to know how mad they were. this was their last thing... their shout "HEY I AM UPSET! PAY ATTENTION HERE!"
honestly they are young. 3 is young. it is. no matter how talkative, how bright.. three is young. they need guidance on how to express their anger in ways that don't gross people out. hitting and yelling at them just show that that is the way to be pissed at people. so the next time she is upset she screams in grandmas face or spanks her.. then what?
what was happening that mad her upset enough to spit? have you talked to her? got her side of the story? what happened between her and grandma that made her so upset? and why is it that grandma gets the free card and dd has to show respect for her just because grandma is old? was grandma rude to her? not listening? not noticing her feelings? we want them to notice adults feeling, respect people just because and except behavior from them that isn't age appropriate and give none of that back to them. we are the adults here, it is our job to teach, to help guide them.

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#22 of 90 Old 02-02-2010, 09:09 PM
 
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so the general consensus is to either yell in their face or yell at them, show the disgust at them and then put them in time out.
I think when people talk about showing disgust or upset, it's because that's an honest, visceral reaction. While I do choose my words carefully with my children, I don't hide when I'm angry or hurt from them either.

DS went through a stage when he would kick while I changed his clothes no matter what we tried. We did reason with him and talk about how much we knew he didn't like it, etc. He still did it until one day, he kicked and caught me in just the right spot that it *really* hurt. I yelled "that hurt" and turned away from him, mainly because I was in so much pain I almost cried. He never did it after that. I wouldn't have yelled like that as a thought-out plan, but it worked because it was honest. If one of my children spit on me, I imagine I'd have a similar reaction.

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#23 of 90 Old 02-02-2010, 09:22 PM
 
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I speak very sternly to my dd and tell her that her action was not okay and what she needs to do next time, I do not yell or have an adult tantrum and I don't get in her face though I do crouch down so we are at the same level (I think it is scary to have someone sound stern or angry above you). I used to have dd sit until she was done with a particular behavior (it was her choice to decide when she was done). On two occasions she did something that I felt warranted a time-out. Usually talking to her and telling her very clearly that something is not appropriate for our family works. I don't get into the philosophical stuff about whether something that has been done can be called wrong for our family, I just tell her it is not okay and what I expect her to do next time. My dd does best with a to the short and to the point conversation. Role playing while we were calm about what to do when you are angry also worked with her.

I understand wanting to spank a child, especially a three year old. Three was the worst age for me and my dd and there were many occassions when I wanted to (though I never did give in to my angry impulse). I found that it helped to think about the things dd might do that would normally push my buttons and plan my reaction when I was calm. Four was such a lovely age after three and as dd has aged and become more empathetic it has been easier to get her to embrace the house rules and expectations even when she is angry.
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#24 of 90 Old 02-02-2010, 10:52 PM
 
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"Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline"

Started to write a whole post about how I'm doing with my toddler, but it's all from that book. The parts that have helped the most are "the moment is as it is" and to consider intent.

In just 17 months, I've already found that my worst parenting, when I act like a brat, are when I decide that "she should know better". Since I still need to be a good parent even if "she should know better" it's been really helpful to drop that from my thinking. "She should kno...wrong, she is where she is and I need to deal with reality."
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#25 of 90 Old 02-02-2010, 10:55 PM
 
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I think I would have looked at her directly with a serious face and told her very firmly "You cannot spit." Then at that point I would probably lift her off the chair and set her down on the floor while saying "no spitting." At which point she would probably start crying and after she calmed down a little bit I would tell her "Spitting is very rude, if you are mad say 'I'm mad.' That is very disrespectful what you did to your grandmother, Grandma doesn't like that. No spitting, if you are mad, say 'I'm mad.'"

I have had a great deal of success with my almost 3 year old lately by telling her how to express herself more directly. So if she is mad and pushes her little brother, or yells because she didn’t like how my husband treated her, I tell her things like. “Tell your brother ‘I’m mad, don’t take my toy.’” Or “tell your father ‘be gentle with me.’” If he had been sharp with her. I am trying to teach her how to stand up for herself without being aggressive and it is going better than other things I tried.
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#26 of 90 Old 02-02-2010, 11:08 PM
 
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I also got to where I shortened it to " Use your words." when I felt like they needed to speak and not act.

But the spiting thing, I would treat it like biting. An abrupt and stern "No!" and then gently, but abruptly, sitting him or her down on the floor, would be my reaction. Then after a few moments I would briefly explain that spiting on people is "a big no no, use your words next time."

I've done that method for 9.5 years and no spankings. :-D

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#27 of 90 Old 02-03-2010, 03:51 AM - Thread Starter
 
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This is my "difficult to discipline" child. My son, now 5, was and is a complete BREEZE in comparison.

Time-outs as in 'by herself" only work for her dad. When she throws a fit because she wants the adult in charge to stop whatever they are doing and escort her to the bathroom--guess what? She now only does this for ME, not dad.

I don't know what DH does differently. I have tried the same thing. (with the bathroom thing I finally decided I was not going to win, even if DH got her to take herself with him--we are talking literally I can see the door from the livingroom. My solution is that if I'm going to spend all this time in there anyway (because she's not going to just drop it like she did for DH) I might as well spend the time introducing DS2 to his potty. that's my main objection to 'escorting' is he invariably ends up in with us getting into crap. Problem solved.)

WIth the incident in question, I did not see it. I don't know exactly what led up to spitting--I think it had something to do with climbing up to attempt to operate the DVD player herself. (A no-no in our house, DD has broken the thing about 3 times, 2 fixable by us.)

I think I'm going to go the route of stern "NO!" followed by a time-away from others and a talk about other ways to handle the feeling behind the action. I am NOT going to sit and facilitate a conversation about what all led up to it. I don't think that will get the message across that I want--which is that NO action on another person's part justifies you spitting in their face.
I'm perfectly OK with talking about being angry and what to do with the feeling of angry.

This is all brand-new territory for me, yes, I am a former preschool employee...but the kids there just did not provoke the same feeling in me that having my own children act out does. There's a HUGE difference for me in seeing MY children do XYZ versus somebody else's child.

and like i said, *I* would have been spanked. That's not what I want to do with my child.
Somebody said it's an entirely different relationship...I see that point. I don't think I'm totally successful in being there but I do see the point. And I'm a lot closer to the point than my parents were....I would really rather my kids do what I ask because they want to um, well do you see where I'm going with this? NOT because they fear me.

I don't want to say 'because they want to make me happy' that's not quite where I was going, I don't want the whole focus of their lives to be on that either.
But I'd rather they do it because they love me rather than because they *fear* me...there. That says it.

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#28 of 90 Old 02-03-2010, 03:53 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by sapphire_chan View Post
"Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline"

Started to write a whole post about how I'm doing with my toddler, but it's all from that book. The parts that have helped the most are "the moment is as it is" and to consider intent.

In just 17 months, I've already found that my worst parenting, when I act like a brat, are when I decide that "she should know better". Since I still need to be a good parent even if "she should know better" it's been really helpful to drop that from my thinking. "She should kno...wrong, she is where she is and I need to deal with reality."
More info on this book? I can't find it in the local lib catalog online so I'll have to ILL request it. Need an author at least

lovin DH since 1/04, best mom for my 3 boys 10/04, 11/08, 11/10 one girlie (1/07), and one 13 wk (10/13) just your average :ha ng multigenerational living family!!
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#29 of 90 Old 02-03-2010, 04:21 AM
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so the general consensus is to either yell in their face or yell at them, show the disgust at them and then put them in time out. not sure this is effective.
Hey, not me. I said we talk to my DD, 4 years old, about her rude behavior when she's calmer. Sometimes I suggest she go to her room until she feels like being with people. If she actually spit in my face I'd say "oooo, gross. That was really rude." and I'd get out of spitting range. I might ask her what she was angry about. My DD's rude behavior is usually yelling, being bossy or hitting. I feel preschoolers are very much still learning how to be people so I don't take rudeness personal. Emotional control and manners just aren't completely in place. We're teaching our DD how to behave by modeling so being rude to her when she's rude doesn't make sense. We have reacted loudly when hurt, but it's more a loud "owie!!" followed by a "be more careful/gentle". We don't do timeouts or punitive.

Someone mentioned they want "my kids do what I ask because .....". Well we want our DD to do things because it's a good idea, because the behavior fits the kind of person she wants to be, because she likes being helpful ....... not to please us.
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#30 of 90 Old 02-03-2010, 09:50 AM
 
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More info on this book? I can't find it in the local lib catalog online so I'll have to ILL request it. Need an author at least
Becky A. Bailey (here's the Amazon link so you can look through it a bit http://www.amazon.com/Easy-Love-Diff.../dp/0060007753 )

It's in the sticky at the top of the forum too along with some really good books on changing your own attitude.
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