other moms who spank their kids & advocate for it... - Page 2 - Mothering Forums

Forum Jump: 
 
Thread Tools
Old 03-02-2010, 04:18 PM
 
octobermom's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Yuma AZ
Posts: 5,456
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 2 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by Llyra View Post
Yeah. Spanking in the heat of the moment is bad enough. But to go away, and calm down, and think it through, and still make a cold-blooded decision to go ahead and hit a kid-- that's just malicious.
I could accept and even have some degree of remorse and "guilt" with my own actions and decessions when my parents lashed out in some degree of anger. Obviously not sooo over the top but when there was a degree of worry and anger behind there force.. However if they said something like tonight your getting spanked had time to calm down think about things (tease me about it) that just angered me and it felt ultra icky. BTW I did not grow up in a highly abusive or punitive home spankings in our home were rare and probably what most pro spankers would call good and healthy. They still had deep negitive impact and I choose diffrent even if I happen to save on therapy costs and now have a VERY strong relationship with my parents.

Deanna

Wife to DH since August 01 mom to a bubbly girl October 2002 and our newest gal March 2010
octobermom is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Old 03-02-2010, 04:26 PM
 
Arduinna's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2002
Posts: 31,187
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I'm just speechless. Hitting a child for being scared at night. Wow.
Arduinna is offline  
Old 03-02-2010, 05:15 PM
 
Ornery's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2007
Posts: 1,870
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
When I had my first child I was 16. Had never been exposed to any alternative parenting methods. Only read the "mainstream" parenting books. Only had people around me who told me to "teach my kid who was boss or else" etc. etc. My mother was not abusive towards us but believed spanking was a valid parenting tool (and loves to tell how she broke us of biting by biting us back).

I can remember when my baby was around 10-11 months old, he would constantly crawl toward fans and try to stick his fingers in them. Everywhere we went, he tried to stick his fingers in fans. I tried redirecting, I tried putting fans up, I tried holding him constantly, I tried everything I could think of to keep him away. Finally one day out of complete frustration I gave in and did what everyone was telling me to do. I smacked his fingers when he did it. Not hard, just a light tap. He looked at me in surprise and then laughed and smacked my fingers right back. That there taught me a HUGE lesson. My smacking/spanking/biting my child was just going to teach him to smack/spank/bite. Not what I want him to do.

Around me, spanking is so common. It is considered a basic parenting tool. VERY few people question it. When I see parents around me doing it or threatening it, I try to gently work with them through what they are trying to accomplish and how hitting their child may not be the best way to accomplish that. I give them nuggets of information that might be valid to them (like the AAP strongly recommends against striking a child for any reason) and we brainstorm ideas. If they seem receptive, I try to point them towards more "alternative" books or websites so that they can see how others see parenting. Some people truly don't know any other way.

I do avoid people who have thought it through and do it maliciously or do it out of pure laziness.
Ornery is offline  
Old 03-02-2010, 05:57 PM
 
justKate's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Gloucester Point, VA
Posts: 3,551
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by Eclipse95 View Post
Around me, spanking is so common. It is considered a basic parenting tool. VERY few people question it. When I see parents around me doing it or threatening it, I try to gently work with them through what they are trying to accomplish and how hitting their child may not be the best way to accomplish that. I give them nuggets of information that might be valid to them (like the AAP strongly recommends against striking a child for any reason) and we brainstorm ideas. If they seem receptive, I try to point them towards more "alternative" books or websites so that they can see how others see parenting. Some people truly don't know any other way.
This has been my experience as well. I have a 12.5 month old biter, and even my mother says, "well some people would suggest you bite her back...." Like she knows its wrong but still feels compelled to say it for some reason. So I try to be gentle in my approach to others as well--explaining to DD that she should not bite mama because mama doesn't bite her; explaining that we don't hit people that we love, etc. And if anyone asks, I explain that in my house we parent/lead by example, and that you have to show respect to get it. Even towards little people.

justKate is offline  
Old 03-03-2010, 02:51 AM
 
K-Mom3's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Posts: 453
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 1 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by jewelsJZ View Post
I did. I asked her (the mother who advocated spanking for not staying in the bed) if spanking worked to change her childrens' behaviour. She said "No, they keep doing it, it's so frustrating." Then when she was talking about how her mother beat her with a switch as a child, over and over, for the same things, I pointed out that it didn't work for her either. She agreed.
So ridiculous, to keep on doing it even though it doesn't work.

I think it is because they don't know what else to do. I've found that in moments of stress, I'm most likely to go back to my parents' parenting methods.

I think that it takes a lot of practice to get your brain to handle the situation a different way! I can get myself to go through all the practice...but I haven't figured out how to convince someone else to do it! Even if they realize that what they are doing doesn't work.
K-Mom3 is offline  
Old 03-03-2010, 03:26 PM
 
rivkah's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Deep in the Heart of Texas
Posts: 761
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by octobermom View Post
One of the first "AP" mamas I ever knew breastfed and extended home birth home schooled baby wearing cosleeping no vaxing organic promoting ect quiverful family also was a HUGE trip fan and openly talked about spanking for change of heart. . I naturally fall kinda in the middle I extend breastfeed but evenuntually also add bottles and formula to the picture, I do some immuzation we cosleep when best but also encourage independent sleep pretty early (but no CIO) I baby wear but LOVE my stroller enjoy making healthy food choices but am not anti occasional FF and microwave meals ect... I discipline as needed and hold my child to fairly firm and high standards... Yet I make cautious choices not to spank or use punitive measures. sometimes I fail yes but the effort is there and success is more and more.

Deanna
This is why you can never assume that just because people BF or homeschool that they don't also spank (yes I know, extreme example!):

http://www.newsreview.com/chico/content?oid=1373000

I am particularly disgusted by books that try to guilt parents into thinking that beatings are biblical or somehow the only way to raise godly children.
rivkah is offline  
Old 03-03-2010, 08:28 PM
Banned
 
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 109
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I know this is not exactly on topic, but I just wanted to tell all of you ladies how thankful I am to have found this message board. I am pregnant with my first child, and about six months ago I lost several friends after finally expressing that I don't approve of striking a child for any reason. My best friend at the time was so vehemently pro-spanking that, after I said I think it is wrong to spank, she told me I owed her an apology for making her feel like a child abuser. It was a very difficult time for me, and I looked for online support groups for other methods...unfortunately, I didn't know the phrase "gentle discipline," and I came up with very little.

Just reading through this thread, and seeing other people saying things I have thought so many times, it makes me tear up (well, I'm sure the pregnancy hormones help ). It's going to be a rough road for my husband and I, trying to make his family and the others in our life here in the deep south understand that spanking will not be tolerated in our home or to our children, and I am sure that this board will provide a pillar of strength while we try to.

jezebelle is offline  
Old 03-05-2010, 04:25 PM
 
elissamay31's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Lacombe, LA
Posts: 13
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I agree esp. with the pulling down your pants part. It is much more effective to think out a logical approach to discipline. I have swatted my child's hand at times when they were younger, but never in anger. But it is something that I regret now.

My parents spanked me, and all I have is negative feelings from that. I want more and better memories for my kids.
elissamay31 is offline  
Old 03-05-2010, 04:44 PM
 
elissamay31's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Lacombe, LA
Posts: 13
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
very good point. My parents always spanked me. My Dad esp. (with a belt) When I had my kids it was easy for me to fall into this bad parenting style. I very rarely spanked my 2 boys, but had not learned better alternatives....(no excuse!!). Although the spankings were rare and I did not use a belt, made sure I was never angry,never humiliated them in public, etc. etc. I always felt terrible about it after.

My kids are 5 now, and I am long "done" with the spanking idea. I don't care what I have to do, other options are better than smacking your child. Find another way!!

I really agree with the idea of sharing discipline technique ideas in the spirit of sharing rather than accusing all parents who spank of abuse. I never physically hurt my children (bruises, etc.) but I am sure they were hurt psycologically....and that is just as bad if not worse. In my somewhat lame defense I can only say I was doing my best with the tools that I had at the time. (the only friends I had who did not spank, also just did not discipline consistantly at all and their kids were very spoiled and ran wild all the time) so I had no other experience to guide me. I would have loved someone to teach me some more GD options!

living and learning.....
elissamay31 is offline  
Old 03-05-2010, 05:09 PM
 
Teenytoona's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2005
Posts: 3,831
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by ein328 View Post
Actually, according to some people, 10 months is not too young. I had friends over the other night for dinner, and they have a 12-month-old. She kept sticking her hands in our dog's water bowl, and they kept telling her "no." The third time, the mom (who, by the way, is a breastfeeding, babywearing, etc. etc. mom) walks into my kitchen, calmly grabs a wooden spoon, and smacks her daughter's hands. I WAS HORRIFIED! I could not contain myself. This from a mama I thought I had so much in common with! When I tried to talk to her about it, she told me they had started spanking when she was 10 month's old and "knew what 'no' meant." I am sick to my stomach just writing this.
Wow. If that were me and I was in the right frame of mind, several possibilities would happen. I'd grab the spoon and say, "we don't do that in this house" or something like grab the spoon and whack the mom. I know at least that would be my instinct, or the script in my mind.

But what I'd probably really do, is pick up said child and find her something else to play with. Maybe something having to do with water. But seriously, I'd still at the very least have yanked the spoon out of her hand and said, "this is for cooking, not hitting."

Wow, I'm so sorry for all those kids whose parents think they "have to "hit them. Man, I know there are times when I feel that urge, but that doesn't mean I should nor does it make it right.

I agree it comes down to seeing a kid as a real person. I feel so sorry for so many kids in the world. It overwhelms me to think on it.

signature currently in transition
Teenytoona is offline  
Old 03-05-2010, 06:59 PM
 
kindergirl77's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: California
Posts: 180
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Over at the Gentle Christian Mothers website we are discussing the case of Lydia Shatz, the 7 year old who died last month due to being spanked over and over with plastic plumbing supply line- a 'discipline' method of the Pearls. Its beyond horrifying and disgusting that these people use the bible to condone such abuse. http://www.chicoer.com/advertise/ci_14468067
kindergirl77 is offline  
 
User Tag List

Thread Tools


Forum Jump: 

Posting Rules  
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off