DS hurts his sister all day long..WWYD? - Mothering Forums

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Old 03-15-2010, 05:25 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Mamas,

I am losing my mind. I cannot find a way to get ds to stop hurting his sister. It is a constant battle from morn to night. No matter what kind of consequences or warnings I use, he continues to do it. He pushes her over, kicks her, scratches her face etc. I cannot leave them alone for a second!! I know a lot of you will say this is normal behaviour and I know this. He is probably jealous of her and all the attention I have to give her (she is very high needs right now) BUT there has got to be a way to get it into his head that hurting his sister or anyone else is not acceptable. What can I do?? I am begging for some tips and or advice.
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Old 03-15-2010, 05:31 PM
 
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How old is he? If he's under 3, then unfortunately, your only real solution is to simply not give him access to the baby. So, if you need to go to the bathroom, one of them comes with you. If you need to go to the kitchen, one of them comes with. If you need to put a load of laundry in, one comes with.

If he's simply not allowed to touch her, he'll get the message.

The other thing that we did at our house when one of our kids hit/hurt another was to take them instantly to their room for a cool down period. No talking (other than maybe 'hitting is not ok' said firmly). They knew it was wrong, but their impulse control didn't always keep pace with their knowledge. Heck, dd hit her brother in frustration yesterday and she's 5. She got a spell in her room. I know that not everyone here agrees with that, but hitting was a huge trigger for me and I needed to keep everyone safe.

Finally, make sure that you have at least 30 minutes a day where you can focus on your son and let him direct the play. It may have to be while your baby is sleeping or while someone else can watch the baby.

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Old 03-15-2010, 05:32 PM
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How old is your DS and DD? The advice would be so different for a 18 month old and a 4 year old that without knowing the ages people probably can't respond.
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Old 03-15-2010, 05:48 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Sorry for not specifying.... ds is 3 and dd is 10mo
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Old 03-15-2010, 07:16 PM
 
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i had the same problem. say "you two stop fightying" it doesn't matter who started it or if one is innocent they both get in "trouble" if you yell at the older one they resent theyounger one even more. they both get in trouble and send them both to their rooms. it'll stop nearly immediately.
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Old 03-15-2010, 07:38 PM
 
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I'm having the same problem with dd (4) and ds (14mo) right now.
She spends the day terrorizing him...definitely my "button-pusher"...

artist, toymaker and unschooling mama to dd (5/06), ds (1/09), dd (2/14)
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Old 03-15-2010, 08:07 PM
 
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I don't have a solution because I am going through the exact same thing and it's making me crazy, too! I haven't been on MDC for a while now since we have moved abroad to the UK 6 weeks ago, but had to get on tonight because I need help as well! I've been wondering if it's something wrong I'm doing but I see it's quite common so I feel a little better(and the boys are sleeping and there is peace now, too). I have a 34 month old and a 10 month old and I feel like I can never leave them alone together for a minute. But also, my older son is rough with other kids, too, which also is a huge concern for me. So anyway, I can imagine how you are feeling and I hope you find some peace soon, too.
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Old 03-17-2010, 06:36 PM
 
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I could have written your post! My 3 YO is constantly picking on my 8 MO. The only thing that works is to keep the infant in a carrier. However, this is starting to not work very well because the younger one wants to crawl and explore. I'm currently trying Barbara Coloroso's "you hit, you sit" rule (which extends to biting, spitting, sitting on, and anything else that would hurt a baby). It works well when the 3 YO is well rested and fed, however toward the end of the day when he's tired or right before lunch or dinner when he's hungry, nothing seems to work. I feel for you and hope it is a phase that passes for both of us soon.

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Old 03-17-2010, 07:44 PM
 
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Separation.... that is how I handled it. Then he learned to appreciate his sister when he wasn't allowed to touch her.

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Old 03-18-2010, 01:00 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LynnS6 View Post

If he's simply not allowed to touch her, he'll get the message.

The other thing that we did at our house when one of our kids hit/hurt another was to take them instantly to their room for a cool down period. No talking (other than maybe 'hitting is not ok' said firmly). They knew it was wrong, but their impulse control didn't always keep pace with their knowledge.

Yup - unacceptable behavior. It's not tolerated.

I also try to start the day on a high note. There are lots of nice things to anticipate that day. But I'm not going to feel like going to the playground if DS is in a mood where he's harming his sister. I set the goal (be nice) and we monitor it as the day goes on. I remind him when he's doing great and caution him when it's not so great.

Overall, he's doing great but he was not until I got so regimented about it.

DS (6.06), DD (10.08), DD (05.11).

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