Whining and rudeness in 4 year old - Page 2 - Mothering Forums
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#31 of 42 Old 04-15-2010, 04:01 PM
 
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I think four is such a hard age sometimes. Crusts / no crusts, that cup /not that cup, only mummy can sing to me!!! etc etc etc.

I am trying hard to find a balance between not making too much of an issue about every little thing (like letting it pass that he won't drink from a cup that I have had a small sip from, like the PP) and not letting myself be forced to run around fulfilling all kinds of unreasonable specific demands all day.
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#32 of 42 Old 04-15-2010, 05:41 PM
 
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uh oh - this is my 3 year old. nice to know she is advanced for her age!

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#33 of 42 Old 04-23-2010, 04:23 PM
 
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So what does this phase look like on the other side? What exactly are their little brains trying to accomplish? DH and I just had a really frustrating day with DD (she'll be 4 in 3 weeks). She had to see an eye doctor for an issue with her eye. She's been to 3 doctors this week. The first 2 she was amazingly cooperative and wonderful. Today, though, the one that really mattered, she refused to do anything. The doctor couldn't do a full exam. DH was beside himself with frustration, feeling like if we can't make her cooperate with the doctor, for example, we are doing something wrong and raising a spoiled only child. The whole ride home was a whine-fest. The whole time we were in a store this afternoon she would throw a fit if DH pushed the cart instead of me. ("I HATE when boys push the cart!") She was trying to be friendly in another store when she would go up to strangers and touch their leg, but DH had to carry her out of the store crying when she wouldn't stop. (It didn't help that the people were giggling at her and telling her how cute she was.)

We try to not respond to a rude voice or words with anything other than reminding her how she should be talking, but it doesn't seem to stop it. It just makes it take longer for her to communicate because we have to tell her all the time to say that again in a nice voice. I'm a little comforted that this kind of whiny rudeness is apparently typical for th age, but how do we help them through it? Smithie said:
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And every time, EVERY time, that whining or rudeness starts, I correct it.
How? What do you say? I feel like a broken record. We feel like we've fallen into the cycle of giving her too many choices, all day long. They seem like harmless choices that contribute to general confidence or whatever, but she doesn't seem to get it that sometimes she needs to do things just because she is told to. I keep telling her "you don't get to decide _____." Or "I already said no, you don't need to ask again."

Obviously this is right in the front of my consciousness--I can't shut up about it!
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#34 of 42 Old 04-26-2010, 04:07 PM
 
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How? What do you say? I feel like a broken record. We feel like we've fallen into the cycle of giving her too many choices, all day long. They seem like harmless choices that contribute to general confidence or whatever, but she doesn't seem to get it that sometimes she needs to do things just because she is told to. I keep telling her "you don't get to decide _____." Or "I already said no, you don't need to ask again."

Obviously this is right in the front of my consciousness--I can't shut up about it!
I would like to know too. I have been doing all these things for awhile now, when do they finally get it? I can't take much more of the rudeness. Especially at others, it's so embarrassing! And when you have said, (for instance) no, we are not having any candy right now, and they whine about it for forever (and ds will NOT let it go) what do you do? I'll admit, I have a pretty short fuse and not much patience but I am trying so hard. I just feel like there's only so much I can try before I blow up and start in with punishments/consequences. (especially because DP feels consequences will work since nothing else seems to be).

                                       DS 7 ~ DS 3

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#35 of 42 Old 04-26-2010, 04:39 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I'm the op.

Our life has gotten MUCH better. I'm not sure why. We still have whining, but not like we did and not so much rudeness. After I started this thread we realized he was sick, so that was making it worse. Plus, I was sick for a month so I had a short fuse.

What may have been our solution was just being consistent with pointing to my ear and saying, "I don't understand whining," and waiting for him to use a reasonable voice. And sometimes that took a long time for him to "get it." Since I haven't been sick I don't get as upset (Plus I'm working really hard at not getting upset) and that seems to help.

Created an instant family (7/89 and 5/91) in 1997. Made a baby boy 12/05 adopted a baby girl 8/08. Ask me about tandem adoptive nursing. Now living as gluten, dairy, cane sugar, and tomato free vegetarians. Homeschooling and loving it.

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#36 of 42 Old 04-27-2010, 10:59 PM
 
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OP glad your child's behaviour has improved.

I just wanted to say thanks to the poster who mentioned having the 4yo show the littler one how to do something. I needed a new 'trick' and this one worked like a charm today. Thanks!

Proud Mama to DS 04/23/06reading.gif DD 02/18/09 modifiedartist.gif, 2 dog2.gif, and wife to wonderfuldh_malesling.GIF and adding another baby.gif. Here's my blog: http://nessabean.blogspot.ca/
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#37 of 42 Old 04-27-2010, 11:59 PM
 
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bumping for later. This is so my 4 yo, but its too late to read and comprehend tonight.
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#38 of 42 Old 04-28-2010, 11:08 AM
 
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When my 2yo daughter gets whiny, it's usually because of her being overwhelmed or tired. This is most apparent at bedtime when she is whining/screaming MIIIILK MIIILK MAAMAAA MIIILLLKKK. I ask her to use her big girl voice and manners. It usually takes her a couple tries to get it to a 'normal' voice, but she does, and she sees the difference. She knows what it means if I tell her that she is "whining" and she does her best to correct it, most of the time.

I've also heard of somebody recording their child's whiny voice and normal voice and letting them hear the difference. I know when I was little, this probably would've helped me, because my mother hated whining, and would tell me not to do it, but I wasn't aware that I was.
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#39 of 42 Old 04-29-2010, 11:48 AM
 
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Smithie said it well.

my 3 1/2 yo is in the throws of this and I worry about my consitency too. Good to know most of what you all are doing is what I am trying to do. Lots of Do-over please, didn't hear that you were whinning, etc.

Add to this that he got a runny nose two days ago and angrily yells at me each time his nose stuff up or runs... all night long the first night.!

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#40 of 42 Old 04-29-2010, 12:54 PM
 
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My 4 year old is the same I am really struggling with her at the moment. I have 2 other children...6 and 2 and I am 27 weeks pregnant. She is argumentative, steals my things and no matter what I seem to do she moans and whines I`m at my wits end.I don`t want to have to shout at her. How can I stop this? x
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#41 of 42 Old 04-29-2010, 05:00 PM - Thread Starter
 
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My 4 year old is the same I am really struggling with her at the moment. I have 2 other children...6 and 2 and I am 27 weeks pregnant. She is argumentative, steals my things and no matter what I seem to do she moans and whines I`m at my wits end.I don`t want to have to shout at her. How can I stop this? x
I find shouting isn't effective and then I have to apologize.

I am starting to think a lot of this behavior can't be "stopped," it has to be outgrown. You just take action as best you can and wait for it to get better. Regarding the moaning and whining, just tell her you don't understand. Or, if that's even too much, just ignore her.

The stealing. I'm not sure what to do with that. You've got quite a handful right now. I wonder if she does it to get attention. Maybe just ignore the stealing for awhile and see if it stops. I got a lot of parenting advice from a local parent education center. Their philosophy is the behaviors we ignore go away, the behaviors we comment on are reinforced and continue.

As far as argumentative, that's my son. He'll battle me for anything. Guess where he got that trait? I don't know if it's genetic or I've somehow taught it to him already. My dad didn't have very good parenting skills so I grew up battling him all the time (and rightly so.) My son rarely has a good reason to battle me. He just battles because that's who he is. So, it's my job to not battle him. If worst comes to worst, I walk away rather than battle. I give in. I look for a 3rd solution. (He wants A, I want B, What is solution number 3?) I just don't want him to grow up wondering why we fought all the time. I doubt if he'll realized it's intrinsic to his personality. Plus, it's just not nice to have a relationship based on fighting. He can only fight if I fight back. I think my attempts to avoid fighting with him have helped a lot. For the most part we now have a fairly mild-mannered relationship (with a bit of whining here and there.) What a great change it is to be able to say that instead of feeling overwhelmed by his behaviors.

Created an instant family (7/89 and 5/91) in 1997. Made a baby boy 12/05 adopted a baby girl 8/08. Ask me about tandem adoptive nursing. Now living as gluten, dairy, cane sugar, and tomato free vegetarians. Homeschooling and loving it.

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#42 of 42 Old 04-29-2010, 06:22 PM
 
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Oh I'm so glad to have found this thread! This is my 4 y.o. - I love him to pieces but ARGHRRRGH! Its so difficult on so many levels and yes I agree, yelling/shouting does not help as now I have him doing it right back at me.

Seriously it was a brilliant move on his part , as I felt like the shmucky mom for yelling/freaking out. I will becoming back to see any tips I am missing as I knew about the food, nap or play as that usually takes care of 60% of things in our house.

Now to figure out how to neutralize the remaining 40% of rudeness, and whinese

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