What are your Family Rules and Consequences? (Kid Cooperation) - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 27 Old 03-04-2004, 03:21 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I will be the first to admit that the biggest downfall I have in this whole parenting gig is that I fly by the seat of my pants. I don't have set rules and take things as they come...deciding then and there what the consequence will be. From reading "Kid Cooperation" I have realized that this is a mistake on my part.

I am trying to come up with a list of rules for our house and what the consequences will be if the rule is broken. Two that I have already decided on is no hurting each other (hitting, pushing, yelling, etc.) and no backtalking or sassing. I have yet to decide on what the consequences will be.

(Just an added FYI...I have three dd's. The oldest is 3 1/2 and my twins are 14 1/2 months.)

What rules do you have for your house and what are the consequences you have set?

Karen - Mama to Haven (9/00) , Lillie & Faith (MZ - 12/02) and my first homebirthed baby, Willa (3/08)
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#2 of 27 Old 03-04-2004, 04:51 PM
 
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1plus2-We are working on the consequences-although I've been reading a lot about simple 'natural consequences' which goes hand in hand with gentle discipline. So, we have very few rules around here other than safety things. We sit in chairs/couches, no hurting, sit in the tub, no throwing toys/food. I think that's really it.

Today he threw his pb&j on the floor and said he didn't want it. So, he didn't get it back. It went into the sick. And then later, I asked if he was hungry and that mommy could feed his sandwich to him.

We are working on a lot of things with DS(2), so please know that we are struggling with all of this stuff and MORE every day. We're just trying, trying, trying...but I do think the less rules/less micromanagment the better.
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#3 of 27 Old 03-04-2004, 05:28 PM
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None. And none.

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#4 of 27 Old 03-04-2004, 05:46 PM
 
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So Dar, what if your child ran away from you and into the street? Are there no rules for that? Or consequences? Just very curious.


~Scout
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#5 of 27 Old 03-04-2004, 07:31 PM
 
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All food and drink stays in the kitchen (hard floor), if it gets taken on the carpet the child and food get redirected to the table and I stay close to prevent it from happening again. I have taken it away completely a couple of times.

Sit or lay on the green couches, if they stand or jump I redirect them to the kids couch (one they get to jump on, build forts out of it's cushions...)

Stay in your room at nap, if they come out I take them back in their room.

I'm sure there are more but not anything big or dramatic. I'm not sure exactly what you are looking for.
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#6 of 27 Old 03-04-2004, 08:34 PM
 
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Oh, Scout made me think of another family safey rule: DS has to hold our hand or be carried in a parking lot, or near a busy street. We make allowances when he is walking nicely and it is not a busy area. But usually even then I have my hand gently on his back or neck-ready to grab should he dart off!
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#7 of 27 Old 03-04-2004, 09:21 PM
 
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Rules need to be general. If you have to many specific rules like no painting the walls you will set yourself up for them to paint the chairs.

I copied this from another post of mine. To lazy to type it all. These rules are for you as much as the kids.

There is a religious program called Original 21 rules to this house by Greg and Joshua Harris, I am saying this because I want to give a source and not leave any idea of plagiarism or idea stealing. I receive this list of rules modified by a fellow non-Christian.

1. We love and honor one another.
2. We tell the truth.
3. We consider one another’s interests/needs ahead of our own. (We think of others and how our actions affect them. )
4. We speak quietly and respectfully with one another.
5. We do not hurt one another with unkind words or deeds.
6. When someone needs correction, we correct them in love.
7. When someone is sorry, we forgive him or her.
8. When someone is sad, we comfort him or her.
9. When someone is happy, we rejoice with him or her.
10. When we have something nice to share, we share it.
11. When we have to do work, we do it without complaining.
12. We take good care of everything.
13. We do not create unnecessary work for others.
14. When we open something, we close it.
15. When we turn something on, we turn if off.
16. When we take something out, we put it away.
17. When we make a mess, we clean it up.
18. When we don’t know what to do, we ask.
19. When we go out, we act just as if we were in this house.
20. When we disobey or forget any of the rules of this house, we accept the discipline. (I have never liked this wording and we as a family had discussed what we mean by it.)

Many things like jumping on chairs is breaking rule 12. It is breaking the furniture and oneself.

You do not need a rule for throwing food, it is making a mess and the natural consequence is cleaning it up and/or going with out food. When you throw food it means you are done, end of meal. Put it in the fridge for later.

At there age having a set consequence most likely will not work. You need redirection, natural consequences, et. If you are having a problem with the 3 yr old sassying/back talk ask yourself why? Don't argue and sass her. You need to make sure you are behaving so your children will behave. The best thing to do with back talking is not to engage it with emotions. Saying DC how you made your objection is considered back talking this is a better way to object give example. ~or~ I will listen when you talk with nice words, et. BUT AT THERE AGES they need lots of positive examples.

Read these rules to your children everyday. It will only take five minutes. Then as they grow and can better understand their actions you can ask them how does hitting break our family rule? How does calling your sister booger or wart nose break our family rules. (rule 5).

Why do we have these family rules, to help us all get along and keep us all safe.

Remember these rules are for you too. There are times to apologize and acknoledge you were wrong.
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#8 of 27 Old 03-04-2004, 09:23 PM
 
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we donthave "set" rules and consequences... i guess i just live life with ds moment to moment. i amsure if you look at a day in our lives youd see redundant responses to things...

if ds (19 mos) throws food down, i just pick it up and set it on his table (he has a little table & chairs) and say,oh you can put food here when youre done with it. he has had this table less than a month and he almost never puts his food down on the floor. not because i punish him,just because he sees me put it on the table and i think hes smart enough to also realise its easier to put it on the table and itsmore edible that way :LOL but i wouldnt lecture him to drive this point him,he figured it out on his own.

food is allowed throughout the house, because we adults eat all over the house. if he makes messes, i clean them up, sometimes he tries to 'help', and his help is becoming more and more real as he learns.

we respond to tristan's actions as they occur... 'good', 'bad', everything in between...just interactions with our son. he learns on his own as we all do.

tabitha

Hi, I'm Tabitha. I'm a homeschooling mother of four: ds (11) dd (9) ds (7) ds (5) And I'm expecting a fifth in 2014! Find me at http://www.omelay.blogspot.com
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#9 of 27 Old 03-04-2004, 09:42 PM
 
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I guess we have some general rules, but they apply to everyone and they are agreed upon by everyone. There are not set consequences because everyone usually cooperates, and when someone doesn't it really needs to be handled with indidividual circumstances taken into account, KWIM? We do have the "you hit, you sit" rule, but it has been broadened to include any sort of intentional hurting (my kids may not call each other names, etc.) But for other rules (no food in the bedrooms, for example) I just remind them if they forget and things run pretty smoothly, kwim? I would actually be uncomfortable with an official "list" of consequences.
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#10 of 27 Old 03-04-2004, 09:49 PM
 
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marsupial-I know everyone has to come up with a "plan" that fits their own family, but your list is really, very nice. I think I like it for me-and the other adults in my life!
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#11 of 27 Old 03-05-2004, 01:19 AM
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Quote:
Originally posted by Scout
So Dar, what if your child ran away from you and into the street? Are there no rules for that? Or consequences? Just very curious. ~Scout
Well, at our house that would be okay, because all the streets are dirt roads and whole days go by without a truck (or rarely a car). But some places it would be dangerous, so if it was a dangerous street I'd run after her, swoop her up or take her hand or whatever, and lead her out of the street while explaining the potential danger.

So, you could say that the rule is not to endanger your life and the consequence would be that I would endeavor to get you out of danger, but then I would do the same thing if it was a child, or a friend, or a complete stranger who was a little tipsy or high, or whatever. So my rules apply to the entire human race, as well as any animals who do the same thing.

Dar

 
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#12 of 27 Old 03-05-2004, 10:06 AM
 
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Hmmmm....rules.....

One biggie is we do not hurt others. No hurtful words or actions.
And of course there are safety rules--must stay in car seat, must either hold hands or be carried in streets/parking lots, must not jump on Mommy's bed (not safe--but safe to jump on her bed).....

I have one little rule that seems a bit arbitrary, but really important to me: No eating during your one video a day. Reason is, this is my one break of the day....and she used to ask for food CONSTANTLY!!!! Ask for apples, eat apples, ask for cheese, eat cheese, ask for bagel, eat bagel......
So now the rule is she has to turn off the video, come to the table and eat her fill, then go back to video (all so that mommy can get a bit of down time )

Dd seems to like a "rule". She internalizes them, which I know from Developmental Psych is normal for the age. She will repeat it, remind us of them, and take pride in following it. So, sometimes we will call something a "rule" even though it is just common sense--like "no eating after brushing teeth". She is just so much happier to cooperate with the concept if it is a "rule"

eta: No set consequences here, either.
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#13 of 27 Old 03-05-2004, 10:23 AM
 
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No set rules, per se....but, hitting isn't OK.

And of course we handle safety stuff.

Wow! NEVER thought I'd hear myself say THAT! :LOL But, it works great and he checks in with me a lot: "I touch this?" Much prefer that to the sneaky stuff I'm seeing with some of the other 2 yr. olds I know irl.
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#14 of 27 Old 03-05-2004, 01:50 PM
 
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My son is still just a baby, but DH and I have talked a lot about this. Our one rule is "treat others as you would like to be treated". It pretty much sums everything up-- hitting, saying hurtful things, etc etc.

As for safety, I feel my job is to keep him safe, therefore when crossing street holding hands or in stroller etc. Safety really aren't "rules" they are more common sense facts. Ex. We don't run out into the street. Not a rule, a fact.

Consequences we are still working on. BUT right now I think our best bet is redirection and removal from the situation. Example, my son is out of control I would take him to a quiet area and hold him and we can calm down together then go back to whatever we were doing before.

Nicki wife to Rich, Mama to 7 y/o DS, and a beautiful Princess Aug 2010
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#15 of 27 Old 03-05-2004, 03:27 PM
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Quote:
Originally posted by rlandnl
My son is still just a baby, but DH and I have talked a lot about this. Our one rule is "treat others as you would like to be treated".
Have you ever read Illusions, by Richard Bach? Rain read it the other day and it addresses the whole idea of treating others as you would like to be treated. If you really think about the concept in depth it doesn't work very well, but that may be more of a philosophical aside...

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#16 of 27 Old 03-05-2004, 04:50 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally posted by Dar
Have you ever read Illusions, by Richard Bach? Rain read it the other day and it addresses the whole idea of treating others as you would like to be treated. If you really think about the concept in depth it doesn't work very well, but that may be more of a philosophical aside...

Dar
No I haven't...

Why does he say it doesn't work well? In my mind, treating others as you would like to be treated work in teaching people compassion for others by projecting their feelings onto yourself. Example-- Lets say I want to take a toy that someone else is playing with, but first I think how would I feel if someone did that to me, and I realize it would make me sad, and wouldn't want that done to me, so I won't do it to them.

I myself try to live my life like that. Will it ALWAYS work at preventing something from happening, no, but no method is fool proof. But I also feel that every failure of it would be an opportunity for learning. And after all isn't that was discipline is all about? Learning?.

Nicki wife to Rich, Mama to 7 y/o DS, and a beautiful Princess Aug 2010
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#17 of 27 Old 03-05-2004, 05:40 PM
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Because everyone doesn't want to be treated the same way. His examples were masochists and vampires, but it applies to more everyday situations as well. Rain loves it when kids she knows run up to her and give her big hugs; her best friend is not a touchy person and hates it. For Rain to treat her friend the way she (Rain) wanted to be treated would be a mistake.

It probably would work much of the time, especially with really little kids, which is why I said it was more of a philosophical issue. OTOH, as an introverted person who lives in her head, I've found that treating my extraverted daughter who lives in her body the way I would want to be treated tends to fail a lot. Some of it is pretty basic stuff - she loves being tickled, and I hate it, si I tickle her and she doesn't tickle me.

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#18 of 27 Old 03-05-2004, 09:31 PM
 
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I see your point. But I guess I refer more to instances of hurting someone else or their belongings. But I also don't believe in a long set of rules that are don't do this or that... so for now the Golden Rule is our guide...

Nicki wife to Rich, Mama to 7 y/o DS, and a beautiful Princess Aug 2010
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#19 of 27 Old 03-06-2004, 02:43 AM
 
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All of our little "rules" fall under the principle of ahimsa, non harming. Similar to the Wiccan crede, "Harm ye none."
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#20 of 27 Old 03-06-2004, 05:16 AM
 
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We operate under the platinum rule in our house...

Treat others as THEY wish to be treated...

Tammy
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#21 of 27 Old 03-06-2004, 12:56 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Marsupialmom - Great list! Would it be okay by you if I printed it?

Thank you all for your input so far!

Karen - Mama to Haven (9/00) , Lillie & Faith (MZ - 12/02) and my first homebirthed baby, Willa (3/08)
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#22 of 27 Old 03-06-2004, 01:10 PM
 
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My older dd is 31/2 too.

We don't really have set rules or consequences. We are a 'no hurting' family, which dd loves to tell others "Hey, we're a no-hitting/no pinching/no-smacking family".

Safety rules, but I don't call them rules, or present them as such, just as logic, eg "This is a car park here, I'd like you to hold my hand until we get in the store."

If something happens like throwing spitting food, we just give a reason why it's not acceptable, and together clear it up.

If she speaks rudely, I ask her to speak kindly as it hurts my feelings. She always corrects herself immediately. I don't see it as what Americans call 'back chat' or 'sassy', just as normal three year old behaviour learning how to express themselves when feeling challenged. I gently model back the better way to express things.

Too much noise, or boisterous behaviour, and go somewhere where you're not bothering others.

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#23 of 27 Old 03-06-2004, 07:34 PM
 
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I guess we have certain rules, but most are just natural consequences.

If ds hits us more than once, we stop playing.

If he deliberately pours something on the floor, I give him a towel to wipe it up.

No food in the bedroom unless you're sick in bed. (We have ant problems and I can't deal with ants in the bedroom when crumbs are inadvertently dropped.)

If ds throws trains or hard wooden balls, they will be put away.

No standing on tables.

These things aren't generally a problem, unless ds is tired or frustrated about something.
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#24 of 27 Old 03-07-2004, 01:49 AM
 
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I don't care if you print it out but do understand it was not my idea. Someone else modified for secular reasons from the program I mention. Please give credit to whom it is due to.
Repect their thoughts and creativity.
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#25 of 27 Old 03-07-2004, 10:39 PM
 
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Well, we have rules but I wouldn't say we have set consequences. Mostly they are natural consequences, like if DD dawdles while dressing for school in the morning, she loses the opportunity to watch her morning video simply because there is no time. Or if she behaves inappropriately in a public place, we leave.

Other rules we have in the house pretty much apply to everyone:

Treat everyone's property with respect.
Use kind words and a respectful tone.
Help keep the house clean.

There might be more, but I can't think of any right now.

Other things are really limits rather than rules, for example, there is a limit to how much "screen time" DD can have (TV and computer time) per day, and limits on sweets. There is a set bedtime. But these are readily accepted by DD and while she might grumble on occasion, the limits are respected. Besides, what can she do? Sneak a cookie or turn on the TV when we're in the shower? I guess she could, but I don't think she would!
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#26 of 27 Old 03-07-2004, 11:51 PM
 
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The only actual RULE that we just made, is that when dd comes into our bed in the middle of the night, she has to be quiet about it.: She's 41/2 and it was getting pretty bad, she comes in and tells me and dh to sleep a certain way, and ah, waking up the baby...
So we gently told her we have NO problem with her coming to our bed, but if it disrupts everyone, then she'll have to get back to her own bed. She's actually, totally okay with that...we tried to just let natural consequences prevail here, but we were ALL tired ALL the time, and just not being overly patient!!!

Other than that, we just go along with natural consequences. ANd we all respect one another, and we're doing pretty good!!!

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#27 of 27 Old 03-08-2004, 03:35 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally posted by Dar
Have you ever read Illusions, by Richard Bach? Rain read it the other day and it addresses the whole idea of treating others as you would like to be treated. If you really think about the concept in depth it doesn't work very well, but that may be more of a philosophical aside...

Dar
How about the alternate perpective: "That which is hateful to you, do not do to others." (From Rabbi Hillel)

Similar but different. Does that work any better?

Link for more of the same:
http://www.unification.net/ws/theme015.htm
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