Grandma's bad advice - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 7 Old 04-11-2010, 04:32 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Ranting Along the same lines...
Mom had my two grown sisters and my nephew move back into her house, and some other single mom with two kids too.
This single mom apparently has an out of control five year old that they're currently disciplining back into shape after years of neglect and "baby-ing". *Like when he runs ahead in the parking lot or store. *Because she used a leash on him and now he's undisciplined I'm being judged. *When I have this new baby I plan to use a mei tei and start using a monkey leash on my 3 yr. Old. *I imagine it will be like I've read about here where he usually holds his own leash and walks with me.
**He mostly does fine and listens pretty good usually. *He's been walking with me without a leash his whole life. *DH sometimes runs and hides with him in the parking lot and the store including shopping cart races. *That's my concern. *When I'm at the grocery store alone pushing the cart to the car carrying an infant I don't want to risk a tragedy with ds and traffic. *It's safety, not discipline.

My problem with my mom is you can't tell her "pass the bean dip.". She won't drop it until you agree with her or argue with her. *She told me this boy's story three phone calls in a row. *When I tried to tell her "you've already told me this story.". She said "I know but..". And continued to tell the dumb story because it's so important I understand her point. *
She prides herself on bullying little children, brags about it. *She thinks she was a great parent. * What's a nice way to tell my mom "I don't want to hear your parenting advice. *You did a lousy job raising your kids."? *Obviously not worded like that.

I'm considering sending my sister a copy of "how to talk so your kids will listen". And "parenting the gifted child". For Christmas because they both have good child-centered discipline philosophy. *To counter mom's "for the adult's convince" discipline approach. *

With mom I'm just sticking with "you raised your kids your way, it's my turn now.". But sending my sister these books will have them talking about exactly how I'm raising mine and might open the door for more of grandma's pushy debates. *Would you even open that door? *Should I share this with my sister? *If so how do I keep my cool parenting philosophy distance from grandma? *So far I act like I don't want to talk about it but if I send books that's like me starting a discussion.
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#2 of 7 Old 04-11-2010, 06:29 PM
 
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I relish a good debate. I'd have fun with your mom...if she plays by the rules like my dad does...if she argue like MY mom, I'd be tearing my hair out...she always goes right for my jugular and never listens to facts or sources. Antecdotal evidence from her friens of friends rule all logic for her...it's enough to drive even the sanest person bonkers.

I would forget about this issue because it sounds like there are a lot of individual battles you can have over the next twenty odd years as you raise your children, and focus on how to handle argumentative people:

http://www.kevinhogan.com/argument.htm

http://ezinearticles.com/?Dealing-Wi...elf&id=1095749

Leash or no leash is not the question, really. It's how to get her to stop judging your choices and letting you parent without having her undermine your confidence.

I had to tell my mom (more than once, BTW) that she needs to shut up sometimes because her constant need to be right undermines my confidence as a mom and makes me question my very ability to birth a child let alone raise one. I need her silent support, even if she thinks what I am doing is a mistake, I need to feel she believes I am CAPABLE of making good parenting choices and if that means I don't tell her all my choices, so be it, but she is allowed ONE opportunity to tell me how she feels she is NOT allowed to badger me into thinking like her.

It was a really hard conversation and it hurt her feeling to hear that she was hurting my feelings, but it HAD to be said. I was letting her bully me for so long, and I needed to let her know that she wasn't responsible for my choices anymore and that it was indeed my turn, including my RIGHT to learn by my own mistakes.

I am sure one day I will have the SAME discussion with my children when they are grown.

Rebekah - mom to Ben 03/05 and Emily 01/10, a peace educator, and a veg*n and wife to Jamie.
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#3 of 7 Old 04-11-2010, 09:32 PM
 
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this is a great time to practice the techniques in "How to Talk So Your Children Will Listen" on your mom. "So, mom, I hear you saying that you really think that making a child stand in a corner for 5 minutes is the way to deal with backtalk." That tells her you've heard her, without agreeing with her.

And remember, it takes two to argue. If she gets mad at you, say "I've given my point of view and I don't have anything more to add. What do you think about the new baseball team/the plane crash in Poland/teaching sex ed in the schools?"

She's able to push your buttons and get you to argue because she's your mom. But you can choose not to argue. Really. It's probably 80 times harder than arguing, but if you've determined that you're never going to change her mind, nod, let her have her say and change the subject. Every single time. After a year or two, she'll get bored.

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#4 of 7 Old 04-12-2010, 10:50 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LynnS6 View Post
this is a great time to practice the techniques in "How to Talk So Your Children Will Listen" on your mom. "So, mom, I hear you saying that you really think that making a child stand in a corner for 5 minutes is the way to deal with backtalk." That tells her you've heard her, without agreeing with her.

And remember, it takes two to argue. If she gets mad at you, say "I've given my point of view and I don't have anything more to add. What do you think about the new baseball team/the plane crash in Poland/teaching sex ed in the schools?"

She's able to push your buttons and get you to argue because she's your mom. But you can choose not to argue. Really. It's probably 80 times harder than arguing, but if you've determined that you're never going to change her mind, nod, let her have her say and change the subject. Every single time. After a year or two, she'll get bored.
I like this.


And on a sidenote: If you're worried about your DS running around in traffic and whatnot; will he understand if you explain that it's only when Daddy is with him that it's fun to hide from Mommy? Otherwise Mommy gets really scared?

Kas (24), Helpmeet to Stefan (25), Mom to Franklin Gaudelio 4/15/09, Jonathan Boswell 1/2/11
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#5 of 7 Old 04-12-2010, 01:07 PM - Thread Starter
 
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That is very good advice. I'm going to pull out the workbook again today. I guess I don't really need a leash. It's not because my kid's out of control or doesn't listen, I'm just worried about the "what-if's". I can imagine him quickly getting off the curb to proudly collect a shiny quarter laying in the ground. That might be louder in his mind than mommy's previous request to help push the cart. Dh plays with him in the grocery store nearby while I shop, and in the parking lot too. That's with two adults and one child. And it's dh's days off so it's fine he wants to play with ds. When it's just us I ask ds to help me get stuff, stay close, or ride on the cart. Just some days I judge his mood to be unpredictable and on those days I carry him before there's any problems. He is still my baby. I'm not sure I can do that with a baby in a mei tei.

ETA: That's why I try to avoid talking about my parenting decisions with her, because I'm not SURe my way is better. I think my way is better. She's absolutely sure her way is better. Although I've seen it and disagree. That puts me in a weak position for a debate. But using the book's method will put me in a stronger position of being the responsible adult. That's such good advice. All these books are about how to be firm but respectful. This is a great chance to try these techniques on everybody else, not just the children. I'm not sure my parenting ideas are better. I just think they're better. Anyway it's my turn to make these decisions.

Anymore thoughts or suggestions??
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#6 of 7 Old 04-13-2010, 10:28 PM
 
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Sort of OT, but you might talk to your dh about your parking lot concerns and see if there's a different place they can play besides the parking lot. It seems like a really mixed message to be able to sometimes play in a parking lot and sometimes not, esp. for a 3yo. Hopefully, dh will understand your concern and find a more appropriate place to play while they wait for you.
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#7 of 7 Old 04-14-2010, 02:44 PM
 
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My kids act like monkeys in the store after dh has been shopping with us. He plays, too, and they are all over the place. I can't shop and watch all these little people running in different directions. So, the two youngest ride in the cart or a stroller. Sometimes I let ds walk (he'll be 3 in May), but with firm guidelines. (You must stay close to Mama, etc.) I put him in the cart, despite all protests, with the first violation. And I never allow him to walk when he is tired/hungry/out of sorts. It's inviting trouble.

And...I second the idea for your dh to tone it down a bit and be clear on how to shop with Mama. Dh started backing me more and it's helped a ton.

As far as the disagreements with your Mom, I'd just say less. I mean, why does she know that you are going to try the leash thing? And can you temper what you tell her to avoid more discussion?

"If you keep doing the same things you've always done, you'll keep getting the same results you've always gotten."

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