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#31 of 52 Old 05-23-2010, 12:37 AM
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Hi-thanks for all your sharing. I have never really had temper issues but I guess all my frustrations were a lot less major before having a kid. As we all know, kids bring out so much emotion, but not all of it is the "easy" stuff like love, humor,etc! I tend to either be "Supermom", always trying to be positive, one step ahead of preventing tantrums, etc. or get really upset by what is probably a lot of basic 3-year-old behavior/stages. I hold myself to such high standards and I guess I hold my son to those too. I am working on finding a balance between the "Super/Hyper Mom" and the totally frustrated and impatient mom. Reminding myself that I can discipline him and not have to get really mad or have it be really intense. I think I'm striving for nuetral. If I'm frustrated, okay. It's not the end of the world. It doesn't mean I'm a "bad" or impatient mom...It just means I'm human.
I think that's what I was looking for. Remembering I'm human and things are just tough sometimes. And my kid is just human and just going thru. 3 year old stuff, some of which he knows he's acting out and it's my responsibily to call him on it. W/out high drama or internal rage, but keep disiplining him like parents need to.
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#32 of 52 Old 05-23-2010, 01:26 AM
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Thanks DirtyHippyMama,

It makes me feel a bit better than I did before to read your post and let some of it sink in (though part of me feels I do not deserve the small relief) I will try more to tell myself that I can only do the best I can (not perfect) and try to improve everyday. Try to be aware and stop myself when I get to feeling angry and remind myself that she is my beautiful daughter that I love. Today was a good day when only gentle words and actions were present, I just wish everyday was this good of a day. More often than not, things are good... but some really tough days I just wish I could push the rewind button, pause my life for a second and figure out what I would've done differently.

Sarah. 25. vegetarian, poet, wannabe photographer, lover of animals, art, nature, music and glitter. Also a proud mommy to a wonderful girl Illusia, born April of 09'.
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#33 of 52 Old 05-23-2010, 04:33 AM
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Yup. I've got anger issues. I don't really have excuses- I wouldn't say my upbringing was abusive, and my dh is the best. I would just say that my mom didn't really know how to deal with conflict, and she was intrapunitive (held it in and felt miserable). I, unfortunately for my family, am extrapunitive (take it out on others).

After reading the thread and thinking for a bit, here is what try/ want to try when I get angry:

Let it go
Reasonable expectations
Share my feelings (without blaming them on the kids, if I can at all help it!)
Another physical outlet (clap hands, bang floor)

Most of these aren't super-complicated. I can't do super-complicated right now. I also have fish oil sitting in my fridge which I can try and remember to take. Very well documented to help with mood.
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#34 of 52 Old 05-23-2010, 02:44 PM
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I definitely need to join you mamas. I have quite a temper. I think I always have. To some extent I know what helps. Plenty of sleep, time to myself, reduce stress in general, good nutrition, exercise, etc. Those things combined with self awareness and self discipline on my part. The problem is that the first three can be almost impossible for me to get sometimes and I find that those are often the most important. On the days when my husband lets me sleep in, I'm a different person. My patience is endless. I have lots of energy to focus attention on my very high needs 3 yo. But when I've been up half the night with the baby and then up at 5:30 in the morning or if I fell asleep at 8:30 the night before from sheer exhaustion, so didn't get my "me time" in the evening, that's when I feel short-tempered, resentful. I also find that if I'm angry with my husband, but he's sleeping or away at work, I have a hard time not taking out my frustration on dd. It's like I have all these horrible feelings spilling out of me and no where for them to go.

I have been to therapy, but I'm not currently going, as I didn't find that I was getting much help from my previous therapist, though it probably isn't a bad idea to try again. I have also found some minor relief from nutritional supplements, but I often fail to take them regularly. I just hate having to take a ton of pills.

Loneliness is often a problem for me as well. When I have grown-up companionship I often can be very patient. I'm very extroverted and I need to hang out with other adults to fill up my cup. We moved to where we live currently almost 2 years ago and it took me a long time to make new friends, and now that I have I find that if we really fill our days with playdates and such that I am much happier, and as a consequence more patient and even-tempered.

But I also feel so challenged daily. I'm beginning to wonder if I was fated to have a HN daughter like I do as a test or a challenge to learn to really overcome my emotional volatility. Like if I'm able to rise to the challenge of parenting her with loving calmness, and patience, then I'll be able to handle anything. In general our stress level in our home is very high. Dh works a lot. Lately he's been putting in 40+ hour weeks at the office (at the office before 9 and doesn't leave until after 6, usually working through lunch) and then he comes home and works in his home office from 8 until 1 in the morning. He's rightly exhausted and then the baby wakes us up at night, but I'm already exhausted and I still need his help at night. We seem to be fighting about this a lot. It's hard for me to feel sympathetic when my own needs aren't being met. And I really resent having to pick up the slack when he's overwhelmed with work. On the other hand, I have been trying to remind myself how lucky I am to have two healthy beautiful children. Like in the middle of the night when I used to get so angry or just cry if I was being kept awake, now I try to hold my baby and just enjoy him. Or I try to connect with dd as much as possible and enjoy all the things that are wonderful about her, so that when she does start to frustrate me, I'm so filled with love for her that it lessens my anger. Sometimes it works, but other times it doesn't. But I suppose that even when I blow up, the quicker I can regain my calm the better, so it's best not to make myself feel horrible because that can make it harder to regain my calm.

Jennifer, mama to darling dancing Juliette, and sweet baby Jameson
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#35 of 52 Old 05-23-2010, 03:12 PM
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I dont normally post on the parenting boards, every time I do someone turns me in and i get a nice little pm with a warning about how I m not allowed to post things like that and what not. almost seems that if you dont parent like the majority, you get flamed and turned in? Anyhoooooooo, I have a temper. Not a flaming raging abuse my children temper, but I know i am not as patient as i want to be!!! I have to force and remind myself that children are not supposed to live by a strict set of rules, and often times do not I am a single mother of 4 boys, and my biggest problem is being disrespected. I will admit however, my theory of disrespect may not even phase another parent. So, it is something i am working on. I am also working on my NOW factor. When I say something, or want something doe, I want it done NOW. any variation of this and I am not a happy mommy, again it boils down to the respect issue, but not really it is my head and I know that... so yes, i have a temper and it is something I work on daily. I would like to join this thread to say the least!!

A single mom, a student, and an aspiring midwife. Due with number 6 November 13th edd
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#36 of 52 Old 05-23-2010, 03:48 PM
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Count me in I am a hothead too and it is sooo hard. I try everything I have done yoga to try to stop yelling. I dont spank but do yell and I dont like that about me either. I am like what a previous poster said, I take it out mostly on the kids then my husband. I will let anyone else say or do anything they want because i dont want to hurt them by telling them it was wrong or offending them but my kids or my husband it seems as thought it does not matter. I cant believe I even typed that it seems so wrong when it is starring at you in the face. I feel horrible. I hope that I can join the thread becuse I need some pointers and some support and a place to vent ya know.

vegan, *( . ) ( . )* wife to D and momma to peanut and monkey boy
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#37 of 52 Old 05-24-2010, 03:18 PM
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Hello mamas...I was just trolling around the mothering site looking for some sage advice about this when I found this thread, thank goodness. I've been struggling mightly with yelling & snapping at my 3yo (I also have a 5 month old) and I just feel awful some nights when I go to bed & replay the day in my head. I too just picked up a copy of Unconditional Parenting and am hoping it helps me get some perspective on my losing my cool with my DS. *sigh* I've been feeling like such a failure as a mama of late.....

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#38 of 52 Old 05-24-2010, 04:21 PM
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I came across a good 3 CD set at the library that has been helping so far. It's by Pema Chodron and is called "Don't Bite the Hook."

It is truly excellent. I find her very easy to listen to and very relatable. Now, I'm probably going to need to listen to it a few times while I have it on loan... and then either recheck it out or buy it. But still, lots of good stuff.

Mom to DS(8), DS(6), DD(4), and DS(1).  "Kids do as well as they can."

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#39 of 52 Old 05-25-2010, 09:54 PM
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Although not triggered by my DD, I did have a temper tantrum in front of my daughter today. Why doesn't really matter even though my hubby actually agreed he was in the wrong for following me around the house arguing when I was trying to cool off. The real problem is that I felt so cornered and upset that I threw things in front of her while screaming.

That she started crying in empathy or because she was scared wasn't enough to snap me out of it. I feel so ashamed. This is the second night in a row I've screamed at my hubby in front of her. What a terrible example I am setting.

The worst is I vividly remember my own mother after fights with my dad would destroy things in front of me. I still have one of the 3qt pots that she put dents into smashing it against the counter. I'm so afraid of burning images like that into my baby's memory.

I really need a hug.
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#40 of 52 Old 05-26-2010, 12:12 AM
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So many of the previous posts ring true for me as well.

My temper has been getting worse recently, and it only seems to be with the kids; more specifically, our 4 year old. He hasn't been listening to me at all lately, being so disrespectful, and it's wearing on my nerves. Try as I might to remain calm, it just doesn't seem to work. The last thing I want to do is start yelling but once I get to that point I take a while to calm down.

I've always had a bad temper but never to this extent. I remember my dad having a horrible temper when I was growing up, and I do NOT want that for my kids. DHs temper has been getting worse as well. He tends to throw things, though, whereas I just yell. It seems that we can't go more than a few days without one of our tempers being set off.

I feel terrible about how it's been escalating. I want, more than anything, to set a good example for the kids, but I'm clueless as to how to "fix" my temper. I'm going to make a conscious effort to keep it in check tomorrow, so I'll see how it goes.

SAH, homeschooling mum to G (05/06), R (03/08), DK (04/09) + S (04/11)!!
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#41 of 52 Old 05-26-2010, 12:25 AM
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My older kids drive me crazy. I always knew my favorite age was early childhood from infancy to about 5 or 6.

My son, who is 11 1/2 reallly exasperates me. I get so stressed out when my kids bicker, talk back, don't help around the house (and instead make messes),and are generally not pleasant to be around.

With the baby, I guess I don't expect so much and I'm a lot more mellow with her.

I yell WAY too much and I just hate it.
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#42 of 52 Old 05-27-2010, 09:17 PM
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I belong here too. And while I feel for all of you posters, I'm so glad I am not alone. I feel horrible and to top it off, my son has turned into an anger boy. Well, I can't tell what comes first. Usually his anger sets me off probably becasue my dad got very angry, yet I was not aloud to be angry. How do I deal with that? I need to immediately, because we can't all live like this. Just last night my mom watched my kids for the evening while dh and I went out for the first time in forever. I was worried the whole time he would have one of his major fits. It didn't happen until this morning and the look on my moms face made me want to cry. She was horrified and scared. My MIL has seen it and was shocked. We don't have our babysitter over anymore because he threw a major fit for an hour. I dont' know if I caused this or am just getting in the way of helping him, but regardless, I don't like who I am when this happens.

And I was never like this with my daughter. NEVER!! Thank you to all who posted potential solutions. I've read a lot about this, but some of these ideas are new to me. I need to follow through on some.

I look forward to following this thread. Thanks for starting it.
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#43 of 52 Old 05-29-2010, 11:02 PM
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I definitely belong with this group of mothers! I have been doing really well lately with my 3 y.o. and I feel so good about that. However, I am 5 months PG and the first 3.5 months of this pregnancy were the worst for me as a parent. I was so sick and had zero patience with my little girl It reminded me of my childhood b/c my mom was sick throughout my childhood with a very painful chronic illness. So as much as I came to understand her more during this time, I had to remind myself constantly how I felt as a child on the receiving end of the anger/impatience of that pain.

Originally Posted by AutumnAir View Post
I'm worried about adding another LO to the mix, along with the sleep deprivation that comes along with it. Has anyone got any tips?
This worries me. I don't do well with a lack of sleep. Even though I have a very supportive DH, I am a SAHM and my 3 y.o. will need my attention. I do not want to deprive her of that attention or go back to where I was in the first 3 months of this pregnancy!

A PP mentioned supplements and I have found that this can really help my moods. I weaned off of an anti-depression med when I got PG and I am hoping to manage my moods once again with diet and supplements. I used to see a naturopathic doctor and my moods were SO much better then. I wish I could afford to see one all the time...but I digress.

Anyway, I hope to both gain and offer some parenting support through this thread

Mom to Nora - 04/07 and Brendan - born still at 23 weeks - 07/10
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#44 of 52 Old 05-29-2010, 11:26 PM
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I have a bad temper with my LO as well... which is odd, i realy never get mad at anyone else, but since he has been born my temper has beenmuch worse than before. Am still working on it!
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#45 of 52 Old 05-30-2010, 02:04 PM
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I have had some major temper issues since I have become a mother. The one thing I have found that works to calm me down everytime is a good old fashoned joint. I just puff a little bit and nothing can make me angry. I really believe that marajuana has made me a better mother. I dont yell at my children, I can come up with really fun and creative craft ideas. I am just more fun to my kids. I enjoy my family more when I smoke and I just love love love that I am able to keep myself calm with out having to resort to chemical medication , instead I am able to turn to mother earth for relief.
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#46 of 52 Old 05-30-2010, 02:42 PM
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Junipermommy, I have to say Wow! I have been coming to these boards for about 2 yrs now and I'm pretty sure this is the first time anyone has ever mentioned MJ! I have actually wondered on more than a few occasions if there's any difference between parenting while taking anti-depressants and parenting while smoking pot - not morally, just physically, in terms of exactly this - your ability to deal with the frustrations of small children. I think a lot of people will say that pot interferes with your ability to make decisions, slows reaction times, etc etc. It's an interesting conversation.

Anyway, thank you to all the mamas posting on here - I often feel like I'm the only one who yells at my kids, or who struggles with her anger. It's something I think and read about a lot.

Here's something I want to bring up, that I don't see often talked about. Sometimes when I'm really mad, I just can't let it go. The Pump Is Primed. And somehow, it feels Good, KWIM? It perversely feels good to be so pissed off, and indignantly Right. It's so hard then for me to turn the situation around, to let it go, to truly relax and move on.

And lastly, the real heart of the matter for me: how to change how I deal with my anger, and what good strategies to give to my kids.

Maybe could people throw out some books they've liked that deal with this subject (mama anger, and teaching kids how to deal with theirs)?
Here are some of mine:
The No Cry Discipline Solution (the first book I read that dealt with this issue)
Mama Zen
Buddhism for Mothers
How to Talk So Your Kids Will Listen
Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves
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#47 of 52 Old 05-30-2010, 03:06 PM
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Yesterday my 3 year old came up to me and said "Sometimes I think you don't love me because you yell at me."

OH. MY. What am I doing??

I read a book a while back about anger management and it helped me sooo much. I wish I could remember the name of it! Looks like I need to read it again!
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#48 of 52 Old 06-01-2010, 02:53 PM
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My problem is that I dump all my anger onto my kids. And my kids are for the most part, very good kids. They don't give me much trouble, they eat when they should, sleep when they should, they're pleasant and kind. They fight with each other, but are friends more often than not these days.
So why are they my personal dumping grounds???

Here's an example of a typical morning here. I get them up, we eat, pack lunches, prep for school etc.
Get in the car on time (8:35ish) open the garage door. Surprise! Daycare parent is here!
Now when the parents sign on with me they agree NOT to show up between 8:30 and 9:00. (Some come earlier which is great)
So then I have to turn off the car, install another carseat -or two if I'm REALLY lucky - and we all know how much fun carseat installations are!
Then I have to wrangle the shreiking toddler - who wants to go in the house, not in the car, into the seat. Get everyone settled again and leave. But Surprise! I don't make it down my driveway and another parent (who also apparently can't tell time)pulls and blocks me in. Then I spend the next five minutes in a messed up game of 'chicken' seeing who's going to back up, or 'give way' first. Finally, finally we get to school and my kids are late. But I get after them for taking too long to get out of the car. So they start their school day with me pissed at them
Totally not fair!
I realize I have to become more assertive. Get rid of the things that set me off. Otherwise my kids are going to think that I'm ALWAYS mad at them.
This thread is interesting, I'm going to keep reading : )
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#49 of 52 Old 06-02-2010, 11:36 AM
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I need this group too. I'm so stressed out lately and DS is SOOOO 3 years old and just SOOOO defiant I am losing my sh*t regularly. I don't like that about me at all! We are moving across the country to an entirely new place AGAIN in under 13 months and I am so stressed about this move and packing and doing it all while DH is working so it's me, the kids and the dog. All these stressors are killing me! I keep telling myself I'll be chilled out when we are finally settled, but I hate how mean I can be and how it just happens so fast!

Catherine and B stillheart.gif DS1 (6) biggrinbounce.gif DD (4) loveeyes.gif DS2 (1) drool.gif and expecting #4 shamrocksmile.gif on March 17, 2014.  
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#50 of 52 Old 06-04-2010, 01:42 AM
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My temper is probably the thing I like least about myself as a parent. I would love to know what healthy anger looks like and when it is appropriate to be angry. I did not have these things modeled when I was a child, I saw lots of rage. Now I'm trying to control mine.

I find that searching for empathy at the time is really helpful. If I can ust get in touch with my dd and why she is feeling/acting a particular way, it helps. The only problem with that is if the situation is extreme or I'm really stressed, I'm really stuck in my own emotions and point of view and just WANT HER TO DO WHAT I WANT, to fit neatly into my scenerio of how I want things to be.

So, I'm still working on it. Today was not so good. When I'm more relaxed or not pressed for time, I can deal with things SOOOO much better.
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#51 of 52 Old 06-07-2010, 10:58 AM
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Originally Posted by AutumnAir View Post
I'm worried about adding another LO to the mix, along with the sleep deprivation that comes along with it. Has anyone got any tips?
No advice here. I've always had a temper, but it didn't get so ot of control until #2. DS is actually a much easier baby than DD ever was, and sleeps better to boot, but I keep saying that when my daughter came back after the birth (she went with grandma during the birth), she came back a different child. The older one is what makes having two hard.

Originally Posted by DirtyHippyMama View Post
remember the oxygen mask theory: put YOURS on BEFORE you help your child with hers. you cannot take care of anyone else unless you take care of yourself first.
I'm trying to remember this. I suspect a lot of my anger comes from needing more sleep and exercise, though I've resolved that if I still can't control my anger after I find a way to carve out time for this, I will try therapy (something I've been contemplating for a while, but DH is deadset against this).

Originally Posted by DirtyHippyMama View Post
are you a member of a local AP/GD parenting group?
We're moving, and I'm hoping to find a better AP group. Out here, it's mostly mothers of babies who attend, which is great for them, but they don't have a lot of insight into discipling a three year old.

Originally Posted by fiddlefern View Post

After reading the thread and thinking for a bit, here is what try/ want to try when I get angry:

Let it go
Reasonable expectations
Share my feelings (without blaming them on the kids, if I can at all help it!)
Another physical outlet (clap hands, bang floor)

Most of these aren't super-complicated. I can't do super-complicated right now. I also have fish oil sitting in my fridge which I can try and remember to take. Very well documented to help with mood.
I'm trying to find a cheap treadmill. I know jogging helps me cool down, but unfortunately the baby hates the jogging stroller. I've also added salmon into our diet twice a week.

Originally Posted by catters View Post
I need this group too. I'm so stressed out lately and DS is SOOOO 3 years old and just SOOOO defiant I am losing my sh*t regularly(
I remember wondering what everyone was talking about when they were talking about the terrible twos, especially since no one told me how hard of an age three is!
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#52 of 52 Old 06-07-2010, 11:23 AM
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subbing, back to read more later.

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