Mamas with a temper? - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 52 Old 05-08-2010, 05:28 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I once upon a time belonged to his now too-old thread:
http://www.mothering.com/discussions...d.php?t=647638

Wondering if there is another like it somewhere. I am constantly working on my temper, and could use a peer group!

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#2 of 52 Old 05-08-2010, 07:06 PM
 
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Good idea! I have a crazy temper some days, honestly jusy getting out of the house is usually what works for me.
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#3 of 52 Old 05-09-2010, 06:26 PM
 
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another hothead here.

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#4 of 52 Old 05-09-2010, 06:37 PM
 
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I really dislike the person I am when I am angry. I can be downright terrifying. I am practicing meditation and doing my best to catch myself when I go off. I'd really like to be the me I am when I take time to respond to these forums. You know, the one who sees life as transient who can respond with wisdom and the ability to see beyond my immediate desires.

Yeah that's a journey for me to take. I've been thinking about picking up running for mind clarity too.
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#5 of 52 Old 05-10-2010, 04:36 PM
 
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Yes I have a temper too. The crazy thing for me is it is only ever directed at my kids. Others can do or say what they want and I never take it personal or get to upset but for some reason my kids can get me all fired up. It really makes me feel terrible because of course I love my kids above everyone else but sometimes they get the worst treatment from me I have been learning about concious living and one thing that has helped me is learning the power of acceptance. To stop judging my kids behavior as good or bad in my mind but instead to just realize that is simply "is". When i pause to remind myself of this it often leads me to more creative solutions to the problem. Now i just need to remember to consistanly do it!

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#6 of 52 Old 05-12-2010, 02:06 PM
 
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Me, here.

I finally bought Unconditional Parenting yesterday because I was so angry I needed something to focus my behavior. The problem for me is that I act exactly the way my mom did...which terrified me. I mean, I remember hiding in my room to get away from her tantrums. Ok, I'm not as bad as my mom but, I can see wear my anger is heading...it's definitely not helping my child in any way.
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#7 of 52 Old 05-12-2010, 07:25 PM
 
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joining up. i've had a temper my whole adult life (something that was suppressed in my childhood finally coming out?). i'll admit i have turned to chill pills to help me, after trying EVERYTHING else. some call it a cop-out, and i have certainly struggled with the stigma (and therefore am very private about it IRL). but the effect is amazing. i actually feel "normal" (whatever that is), and i'm able to deal with the chaos of having lotsa kids in a much nicer way. it's mostly just brain chemistry for me, although my 8yo ds knows how to push every one of my buttons (and seems to enjoy doing so). that certainly doesn't help. pretty sure he's got outta-whack brain chemistry too.

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#8 of 52 Old 05-12-2010, 09:01 PM
 
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lately i have been noticing a temper arising out of me that I didn't know existed. My 6 year old has suddenly started becoming rude to me all the time and treating me like dirt basically all the time. For the first time in her life I have resorted to yelling at her...which I know isn't working, in fact it seems to be making it worse. I just can't seem to control it because I am so hurt that so much of whatever is going on with her is being taken out on me.

I really have tried to remain rational and calm yet firm...but when I hear "NO" or "NOT DOING IT" a million times when something needs to be accomplished, I can't help but resort to yelling at her to enforce what I want to happen (especially when we are late for work or when it's bedtime and I'm exhausted and still have to clean the kitchen and make lunches). DP helps out a lot, staying really rational and calm, yet firm (exactly what I aim to do), but then I feel like he's fighting my battles for me and when he is out it's brutal.

It's terrible because her and I used to have such a wonderful time when it was just the two of us (I was a single mom until she was 3.5), but now I actually dread when it's just us...knowing that we are both going to explode.

Anyways...joining this thread seeking support for how to remain more calm and follow some gentle discipline guidelines like I used to be so good at.

sorry for the rant...
m

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#9 of 52 Old 05-13-2010, 12:57 PM
 
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This is a very timely thread for me. I vividly remember all the anger, yelling, threats and general angst of my own childhood and I do not want to pass that legacy on. Unfortunately, that is the road I am going down lately. I do not want to parent like that and I am usually very good at finding peace and being more patient (although it always takes a lot of effort) but I am seriously sleep deprived this past few weeks so my sense of restraint and emotional clarity is depleted. My own sleep deprivation and resulting crankiness has caused a huge snowball effect throughout our house. I need to stop yelling, I need to set the tone and model appropriate ways to channel big emotions. But, most of all, I need some sleep.

One thing that another AP mom mentioned to me is a "do over". When you feel like you're going down a bad path, acknowledge your emotions and ask for a do over. I tried it once and it did work but it is so difficult (lately impossible) to take a step back when I'm about to burst. So we argue, she hits her baby brother or me, we yell louder and/or I'll grab her to move her to a safe spot, we cry, we apologize and give hugs and kisses... with endless repeats. In the meantime, I am working to come up with lots of ideas to add to my "anger management" toolbox and I am finding the time to meditate more so I can clear my mind of my emotional baggage. I am so disappointed in myself but I know that disappointment is counterproductive. I am also reading Buddhism for Mothers which has been a remarkable read but, for those of us with real anger issues, it takes a lot more than reading a few inspirational books to change our ways. I feel like I need to rewire my brain because my own models of emotional expression (i.e. my parents and their anger) set a horrible tone for my life. The funny thing is that my husband's parents were the opposite, they didn't show any negative emotions at all, so my husband is emotionally very neutral as a result and has no idea how to handle my outbursts other than to walk away and tell me I'm crazy which (while very true) just makes things worse.

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#10 of 52 Old 05-13-2010, 03:50 PM
 
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I have issues with my temper too, and my fiancee does as well. We just try to be understanding with each other and give each other "breaks" when we notice the other person getting upset with the kids. It's so strange, some days I feel like SuperMom and I can handle anything in the world, and other days the littlest thing like spilled juice will just make me so angry and frustrated. I have a LOT of empathy for single moms/dads with temper issues...
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#11 of 52 Old 05-13-2010, 04:44 PM
 
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Count me in. I have gotten better, but sometimes, when my patience has been spread thinner then a dryer sheet and both kids AND husband are hanging on my last nerve like a bunch of capuccho monkies, I snap.

Not proud of it, and like i said, I have gotten strides better in the last few months. But, I have further to go in my mind.

There is a Parenting and Rage thread over in Personal Growth.
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#12 of 52 Old 05-14-2010, 11:38 AM
 
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Ever since the new baby came, I've had huge anger issue. Yelling, threatening, etc... happen all the time now. I'd love some peer support for this!
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#13 of 52 Old 05-14-2010, 11:39 AM
 
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#14 of 52 Old 05-14-2010, 11:47 AM
 
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subbing

I have three kids and my oldest is 3.5. I feel overwhelmed many days. Now ds1 has started shoving kids at the playground. I betting this is partly due to his age, but I bet part of it also is learned behavior.

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#15 of 52 Old 05-14-2010, 02:43 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by HeliMom View Post
I really dislike the person I am when I am angry. I can be downright terrifying.
This.
I'm having less and less trouble all the time, for various reasons...but on those rare occasions when I still blow up, I feel like a monster.

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Originally Posted by hjdmom24 View Post
Yes I have a temper too. The crazy thing for me is it is only ever directed at my kids. Others can do or say what they want and I never take it personal or get to upset but for some reason my kids can get me all fired up.
I'll have little flares with other people sometimes, but yeah...mostly the kids. I think there are a lot of reasons for that, though.

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#16 of 52 Old 05-14-2010, 03:58 PM
 
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I'm right there with everyone, too. This is the biggest thing I struggle with as a mama is my patience. Some days I have it and then before I know it, it's gone again. My DH is the complete opposite so that helps in a situation where I don't do anything BUT yell.

I don't remember ever growing up with a yelling mother and father - well, not at me, but maybe to each other. And I've really made a point to watch how I respond now that we have another little guy in the house. I have yelled before in front of him (directed at ODS) and it made him cry. That about killed me and made me really think about how I react to the stuff that DS#1 does. He LOVES to push my buttons, but doesn't do it to DH - just me. He takes 5 years to do something that should only take 5 minutes and that drives me crazy, too.

I just need to step back and realize that they are little and they do take a bit longer than we do......

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#17 of 52 Old 05-15-2010, 02:07 AM
 
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i just want to say how refreshing it is to know that there are so many other well-meaning temperamental mamas out there. i belong to a local AP group that seems to mainly consist of mostly-even-keeled mamas who are very experienced in GD, and it makes me feel like i can't express my true issues with my temper. i know, after tons of research and soul-searching, that my childhood damaged me greatly, and it's going to take years to heal from it -- even more difficult as i try my damnedest to "break the cycle". it's so hard.

one thing that helps me when i'm getting mad at my kids is to remember that they are JUST CHILDREN -- to reevaluate my expectations of them and question whether they are developmentally appropriate. this is easier for me than it may be for other mamas since i've got a LOT of practice with all these little'uns, but it's nice to be able to (mostly) laugh my way through the "terrible twos" because i understand sooo much more about the development of a 2yo and completely expect everything he doles out. my FIL once told me a little story about him getting mad at DH when he was little (~7yo), and DH looked at him with sad eyes and said, "but Daddy, i'm just a little boy". that stopped my FIL dead in his tracks and he realized that DH was right; he was just being a kid, and no one can fault him for that.

my point is, knowing the developmental stages really well makes it so much easier to be compassionate when they are acting out. i'm far from perfect; this is just one thing i have learned over the years that has made things a little easier in some aspects. don't worry, i still totally belong in this "tribe".

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#18 of 52 Old 05-15-2010, 02:31 AM
 
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I need this group, too. I have been disgusted with myself lately--I can get so angry and don't like it all. It seems like all of myparent-friends are super mellow and can't get upset....I am not like that. I have been yelling and threatening; I get so angry and I am not sure how to head it off. I am trying. I don't want to make my children grow up with an angry mom.

There has been a lot of stress in my life lately and I hope that is part of this. I have never been like this in my life. Yuck. Glad I am not alone.

Single HB mama to 2!
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#19 of 52 Old 05-16-2010, 01:07 AM
 
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Count me in. I have gotten better, but sometimes, when my patience has been spread thinner then a dryer sheet and both kids AND husband are hanging on my last nerve like a bunch of capuccho monkies, I snap.

Not proud of it, and like i said, I have gotten strides better in the last few months. But, I have further to go in my mind.

.
I know what you mean, with three under 5 sometimes things can just seem so overwhelming!!

Lately keeping my temper under control has been a constant struggle. I feel so awful when I let my temper get the best of me.
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#20 of 52 Old 05-16-2010, 01:26 AM
 
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I just dropped the F bomb in front of my friends children today yelling at my dog. I am normally ultra calm, but my &%*& barking dog unhinges me. Just typing this is raising my blood pressure!!!! Ugghhhhh.
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#21 of 52 Old 05-16-2010, 01:31 AM
 
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{{{shuffles in after screaming at DD at bedtime}}} Some days I can keep it together and stay calm. DD is so intense and I WANT to help her learn to deal with her emotions. I just totally lose is sometimes when she is screaming at me. Good adult behavior, huh? Scream at the toddle because she is screaming at you... ugh. Sometimes it's really hard to parent differently than how you were raised when that's all you've seen and heard.

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#22 of 52 Old 05-16-2010, 08:01 AM
 
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Yes, I could really use this thread too!

I had a serious temper when I was little, as did my dad. But I got scared of my temper and got shut down (I think because no one thinks to teach little girls how to deal with anger) so I bottled it all up for years. Now it's coming back out - almost entirely directed at my poor DD...

I love her more than anything else in the world, but she also seems to be the only person who can really trigger my temper/rage. And I hate the person I become when I lose it with her. The worst is that I can see myself getting angry, but I just can't for the life of me stop myself.

I think one of the things that makes it so difficult for me is that I really don't get any breaks from my HN toddler. We have no friends or family living nearby, and no one I can leave her with. DH has almost no patience at all, and will yell at her for the smallest things even just 5 minutes after he starts interacting with her. For me, I can put up with a fair bit and keep my patience - it's just the constant drain finally gets to me, which is when I'd like DH to take over for a bit, but since he'll just yell at her almost instantly I feel like I shouldn't even put them in that situation.

I'm worried about adding another LO to the mix, along with the sleep deprivation that comes along with it. Has anyone got any tips?

Lisa - mama to Eleanor Rose 01/08 and Saoirse Lily 09/10
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#23 of 52 Old 05-16-2010, 04:14 PM
 
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I'm worried about adding another LO to the mix, along with the sleep deprivation that comes along with it. Has anyone got any tips?
My children are almost the same spacing as your little ones will be. Unfortunately, i don't have much advice or i wouldn't be here Mostly i have learned to be a bit more forgiving of myself and some of my ideals have gone by the wayside, like television. Especially over the winter, we watched more tv than I would like. And now that nathan is mobile, we have a lot of conflict in our house. But i know that i can manage it all peacefully, if i could only take a breath every so often and stop being so reactionary. I am just so tired in every way and some days i have just had enough. I am reading "siblings without rivalry" which is truly a tremendous book, more for when the children are older but there are some applicable scenarios for all ages. I also loves hold onto your kids which, not geared towards siblings, has really shaped my parenting. For me, it was easy at first but it has gotten more difficult lately. Our biggest challenge early on was camryn's nursing because she really wanted to nurse a lot since i had so much milk, and that just wasn't OK with me. So we had to set some limits and cut back. I definitely wasn't the selfless tandem nursing mom that i had hoped to be. She still nurses now but only first thing in the morning as a reconnection after being in her own bed all night, and only for a couple of minutes. Anyway, if you have help on a regular basis, that will be a blessing. Contrary to what most parents do, i really cleared my older daughter's schedule for the first several months because, as much as she likes to be out and about, it was more important to give her time with me and the security of my love. While she seems to have genuine affection for her brother, she is still a 3 year old with all the craziness that comes with that age. Sorry this post is so disjointed but i hope it helped a bit.
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#24 of 52 Old 05-18-2010, 09:25 AM
 
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I belong here. Although, I never knew I had a temper until I had kids...yikes. I'm new to the whole GD thing, so I'm trying. It's hard because my DD has a very similar personality to mine, and we seem to know how to push buttons, and being the bigger person (than a 3 year old, yes, I know. LOL), isn't always the easiest. My mom yelled a lot, so I'm starting to realize that really needs to change because I remember how terrible that felt.
We're trying...

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#25 of 52 Old 05-18-2010, 05:49 PM
 
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so nice to know I'm not alone! I've always had a temper and I just get to the point where I just snap. It can be so hard with a little one telling you "no" all the time and literally pushing you around!. Lately I get so frustrated at my DD (18 months) meal times , I seriously dread them!!! she doesn't want to eat anything I made and throws it all on the ground!

when I was first introduced to this crazy world of parenting my sister sent me this quote and I think of it often when I want to yell and scream and cry...

Flow with the difficulties with grace, patience and understanding, It will cultivate a mood that will give you a little appreciation, love and gratitude...

it is on my fridge...
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#26 of 52 Old 05-21-2010, 07:44 PM
 
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joining, sadly. i have a very high needs and sensitive older child, an active and opinionated 4 yo, and a baby. it is soooooo much worse when i'm sleep deprived and hungry and there is constant noise and no time alone, which is to say, ALWAYS!!!! We did great yesterday and I fell apart at the end and yelled meanly b/c one child was provoking the other repeatedly while we were all hungry and I was frantically trying to make dinner and the baby was crying. Today I did better with being firm but loving. (still have to get thru bedtime with some very overtired kids though!)

I have hit a couple times and am not proud of it More often I have threatened to hit and said awful, hurtful words that I hope won't stick with them for life It comes out of nowhere. I am getting better about apologizing and trying to make amends to them when I've done wrong.
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#27 of 52 Old 05-22-2010, 10:20 AM
 
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Please help me

I was never the kind of person to loose my cool before my daughter came along. Sure, sometimes I would argue over something stupid, but I have, for the most part always been a mellow, calm, understanding person. In most cases I would just shrug my shoulders and let things be.

The first 10 months of my daughter's life were a breeze. I loved being a mommy, had so much fun with her and never had an issue with loosing patience during long days and nights of BFing, diaper changes, crankyness (on her part) and not sleeping. In general I was feeling good and like a decent mother.

It was not until these last couple months when she has been A. getting into everything, B. so clingy that I cannot even leave the room to go to the bathroom without her throwing a fit, and C. we lost our home and were evicted, found a new place after living in a motel for 2 months and things are just still so stressful financially that I feel myself loosing it, a lot.

I find it coming from nowhere that I am suddenly enraged over something that in retrospect is so small. I yell, I find myself talking to her rudely and it makes me feel awful like I do not deserve to be her mother. I love her more than anything, more than my own life. Why does she bring out the worst in me? I just want to be a good mother and I feel like a lousy one all the time that makes one bad choice after another.

I feel such guilt and depression over the issue. As a single mom living with my own mom atm, I do not know what to do. I do not believe in cry-it-out but I find myself getting so bent out of shape that I have to leave or yelling ensues. So, I just leave her in her room with toys and go outside to breathe and cry, just sob until all the feeling are gone. But she hates being separated so much that she screams the whole time which also makes me feel awful ;(

I had a very, very unhappy childhood. I will not lie or sugarcoat it my father was an abusive alcoholic and all I remember is yelling, manipulation, lies and violence. I am so afraid he is going to come out in me, that somehow I will turn into a monster like he was. I feel like a monster for treating my DD like this.

I have read many books on the topic and try to put the helpful advise into practice but I find that it is so hard. I have come to the realization that I just have no idea how to handle disciplining a child, I have no idea how to handle anger. For me it is just lash out or avoid the issue and escape. But I can do neither in the case of raising a wonderful daughter like I have. I need to get help and I need to learn a way to raise her and break the cycle, now.

I am looking up therapists and going to try and get back on my meds, which are the only things that have helped with my severe depression, that I have had as far back as I can remember. I am hoping between treating the depression and a therapist I can talk to that I will improve, but I would also like any tips or advice from other moms I can get.

Thanks,
Sarah

Sarah. 25. vegetarian, poet, wannabe photographer, lover of animals, art, nature, music and glitter. Also a proud mommy to a wonderful girl Illusia, born April of 09'.
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#28 of 52 Old 05-22-2010, 11:44 AM
 
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nutritional therapy is what helps me. i supplement megadoses based in part on a thread started by gale force called 'a true natural remedy' - about post-partum depression. she later wrote a book and website, www.rebuild-from-depression.com I take calcium and magnesium citrate (600mg mag- way more than rda), tons of natural cholecalciferol D3- not ergocalciferol, a mega-stress b vitamin, and additional separate 'minor' b's, inositol, choline, biotin, and paba. I also take huge doses of Carlson cod liver oil. I keep Gaba and 5 htp around for when I need them. Gaba (gamma amnio-buytric acid) is a calming neurotransmitter, and 5 htp is a metabolite of tryptophan. Serotonin is made of a bunch of tryptophan- none of y'all get enough tryptophan or mg. I am poor, and so often can't afford my supps. Whenever I get too poor for them, rage and migraines and mood swings rear their head- even when I know what's going on I can't stop them! Magnesium is the priority, and after that the cod liver oil for efa's. Here's a fairly good description of mental mag deficiency symptoms: http://rickmalterphd.blogspot.com/20...-mindbody.html but if you google mag deficiency and anger you will find a ton. Cofactors for mg absorption are B6 and D3. Most of us are D3 deficient, but vegetarians even more so. Many assert that D2 converts to D3 in the gut, but there is no such thing as a healthy gut anymore- antibiotics have made sure of that.

Additionally, most of us are eating things we are intolerant of, and those cause a histamine reaction in our bodies. We may not be as bad off as this description of high brain histamine, http://www.healthrecovery.com/HRC_20...er.htm#hhchild , but it is affecting us nonetheless. Of course I try to maximize food sources of this stuff, for me and the kids, but it is near impossible to get all this from food. Mag, for instance- soils are depleted in mag and then fertilizers prevent uptake of mag at the roots of plants, even when it is present in the soil. So, you can be eating sunflower seeds for extra mag, and not getting it.

I have also learned that my abusive husband is what prompted me to rage to begin with. He is so short tempered with the kids, that I was afraid to leave them with him. He is mean to me and created a pecking order. I am saving to leave him now. Ditto my alcoholic dad. My kids also have multiple health issues which make them out of control more than other kids- and even though I know about these issues it is still hard when people are shaking their heads in the grocery store. If they get even one iota of wheat, then their behavior is so bad that I begin to understand child abuse (but don't resort to it of course). Food coloring, it is almost that bad with us. These things affect me, too- check out www.feingold.org about that. I also think it doesn't help that our society is ignorant of child development, and sees a mother's work as lesser than other work. We absorb these opinions, even if we don't believe in them. And we act out our frustration with that ignorance.
I have posted this on several threads here, and like to mention that I need a tattoo saying- magnesium changed my life, ask me how. . . .
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#29 of 52 Old 05-22-2010, 11:52 AM
 
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Sadly I have always had problems with my temper. I have a very short fuse and was taught to walk away a lot. The problem comes when I really can't walk away from my children. They either follow me aggravating me more or continue the destructive behavior that just set me off in the first place.

oAlisha- eternal companion to mike:, mother to three energetic boys (02):, (05), and (07) and one sweet little girl 3/13.  Two in heaven.7/21/2010, 11/05/2011 mecry.gif.

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#30 of 52 Old 05-22-2010, 11:59 AM
 
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petal-sky, it IS SO SO SO hard to break the cycle and parent your children differently than you were parented, because that's how we are "programmed" to parent our own children. i think that's a lot of us "temper" mamas' problem. i know it's mine. i'll tell you what has been told to me: you are aware, your intentions are good, and you are doing your best. that doesn't sound like much, but it's a lot. i feel like rolling my eyes when that is said to me, but really, think of the children whose parents are NOT trying to break the cycle, who are NOT aware of the damage it causes, and who are NOT doing anything to change it. you are so far ahead of them, and your child is so much better off. even though we "backslide" a lot, we are mindful of the consequences and truly want to change things. reading parenting books is good, hanging out with other GD mamas is really good (there's nothing like seeing it in action!), and getting help for yourself is really really good.

remember the oxygen mask theory: put YOURS on BEFORE you help your child with hers. you cannot take care of anyone else unless you take care of yourself first. i have been in therapy and on meds for 15 years(!!!), and i see no end in sight. that's not to say it hasn't helped, but that undoing all the damage of my childhood is a loooong process that i don't expect to be finished with...well...ever, at least as long as my mother is alive and/or involved in my life in any way. but i make progress, and take things in stride.

i have bad days, i yell, i tantrum (LOL), i have spanked (mainly my oldest, because he can be ROTTEN, i was young when i had him, and i didn't know about GD until he was 2, or start practicing it until he was about 6...but that's a whooole 'nother story). i have found it easier to GD with my younger children, i think both because they have less "damaged" genes (my oldest is from a previous relationship and his dad is FAR from stable), and i have more experience and patience with kids' shananigans and developmental annoyances in general.

you sound like you are certainly under a lot of stress. are you a member of a local AP/GD parenting group? i have found that to be extrememly helpful, even though i don't feel comfortable sharing my darkest experiences with them because some of them can be catty and judgemental (you know, the ones who had happy childhoods and AP'ed/GD'ed their kids from birth and have endless patience -- so nice for them)...it's still very helpful to surround myself IRL with positive role models in the parenting department. not to mention that it's much easier to keep my patience with my own children when there are other parents around (cuz, ya know, i don't want them JUDGING me or anything).

anyway, good luck. you are not alone, and you have every right to get the help you need. (((HUGS)))

lady.gifMama of: DSjammin.gif (9), twins DDjoy.gif & DSautismribbon.gif (6), DSkid.gif (3), and DDbabygirl.gif born 11/2010
            
              

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