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Old 08-07-2010, 07:03 PM
 
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Originally Posted by EdnaMarie View Post
GD=one kid or less, or spaced 5+ years apart at the very least. They should point that out in the books!
This is far from true. You have several mothers here who have multiple kids w/ closer spacing than this giving you all manner of good (and free, I might add) advice.

These methods and approaches are working beautifully in many of our homes.

At this point I would suggest professional help might be a resource you want to consider. Jan Hunt does phone consults, and I know many others do also. It seems that mother-to-mother advice is not cutting it for you, for whatever reason.
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Old 08-07-2010, 07:33 PM
 
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EdnaMarie, said gently, you can't have it both ways. You can't say:

a) My child is totally typical, the circumstances of our life are totally typical

AND

b) Nothing that works for typical children living in typical circumstances works for us.

GD and AP do not prescribe absolute methods beyond being gentle and attached. That leaves a broad array of approaches that can be crafted to meet the needs of the individuals in the dyad or family system.

Your DD sounds a lot like my DD. It's been a long road parenting her, and as we enter the tween years (which are remarkably like three was), I've had to do a lot of reading, thinking and revising of strategies to meet my DD's changing needs. I've had to be flexible where I didn't think I could be, and I've had to examine my assumptions. One of the biggest issues between us is that we're both very strong, opinionated and passionate. I, however, have a fully developed prefrontal cortex and the bank card . I think you and your DD are very, very much alike.

I would strongly recommend Kids, Parents and Power Struggles, written by the author of The Spirited Child. I much prefer it to TSC. Also, her sleep book (link below). I strongly recommend melatonin as sleep begets improved perspective and behaviour. I also think getting an outside perspective IRL would be invaluable to you.


http://www.amazon.com/Kids-Parents-P...1216581&sr=8-1

http://www.amazon.com/Sleepless-Amer...1216705&sr=1-1

Mom to a teenager and a middle schooler.

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Old 08-07-2010, 07:36 PM
 
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Originally Posted by monkey's mom View Post
This is far from true. You have several mothers here who have multiple kids w/ closer spacing than this giving you all manner of good (and free, I might add) advice.

These methods and approaches are working beautifully in many of our homes.

At this point I would suggest professional help might be a resource you want to consider. Jan Hunt does phone consults, and I know many others do also. It seems that mother-to-mother advice is not cutting it for you, for whatever reason.
I would like to express my sincere gratitude to the many posters in this thread who have shared amazing insight and experience-proven ideas. I have very much enjoyed reading your input and learned a lot.

Mom to a teenager and a middle schooler.

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Old 08-07-2010, 07:48 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Originally Posted by monkey's mom View Post
This is far from true. You have several mothers here who have multiple kids w/ closer spacing than this giving you all manner of good (and free, I might add) advice.

These methods and approaches are working beautifully in many of our homes.

At this point I would suggest professional help might be a resource you want to consider. Jan Hunt does phone consults, and I know many others do also. It seems that mother-to-mother advice is not cutting it for you, for whatever reason.
I have noticed, though, that parents of multiple kids are much more likely to say they use the ignore the behavior / use a reward / go ahead and physically force them to do it.

Which is something I had not heard from GD books.
Quote:
a) My child is totally typical, the circumstances of our life are totally typical

AND

b) Nothing that works for typical children living in typical circumstances works for us.
I have not posted either of those things. Perhaps you are reading into what I'm writing?

I said, we have a relatively normal, manageable, happy life, and my child is fairly typical compared to children I know, and that SOME of these things are working, thank you so much.

There are people saying I haven't accepted any advice on this thread, but that is just not true. I didn't accept their advice. I have accepted a lot of other advice that works for us.

There has also been advice that I think would work, but that I didn't think was GD, per se (ignoring a behavior, using time-outs, using rewards). I only said, yes, but is that truly gentle? I'm not sure.

That is not rejecting a piece of advice out of hand.

I feel that my frustration, which I am venting in ONE place, and not on my kid, mind you! is being taken as my entire personality, and I do resent that, which is making it worse.

I have asked my child's teachers how she is doing and what she's like. I have asked, for example, whether they thought she needed any special accommodations at her next pre-school because this session is ending. I have seen three counselors (each only a couple of sessions, they rotate counselors here) and vented a LOT to them and none of them have suggested that I need further counseling.

Are we "normal" as in, like your family, whoever you are reading this? Suburb, middle-class, one kid? Rural, lower-middle income, family nearby? Single-parent, two kids, work from home?

No, we're a military family, we live overseas, we are all very energetic and passionate people.

BUT! We are all functioning and able to deal.

The fact that you are reading this and I don't think your advice will work for us is not a sign that I need professional help because we are just THAT abnormal. It's just a sign that we're different and yes, I've tried a lot of stuff already.

Melatonin is certainly an option as a last resort. I'd much rather use other rewards than hormones, especially those illegal in Germany, though!

It's not that the stay-at-home-parent gets to stay home with the kids. The kids get to stay home with a parent. Lucky Mom to DD1 (4 y) and DD2 (18 mo), Wife to Mercenary Dad
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Old 08-07-2010, 08:00 PM
 
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I have noticed, though, that parents of multiple kids are much more likely to say they use the ignore the behavior / use a reward / go ahead and physically force them to do it.

Which is something I had not heard from GD books.
What book are you talking about EdnaMarie? Ignoring, rewarding, and physically redirecting a child are all strategies on the GD continuum, advocated in a number of books recommended here. Anthony Wolf's book "The Secret of Parenting" is one that comes to mind.

I have used all three approached with my child and I am a GD parent.

Mother is the word for God on the hearts and lips of all little children--William Makepeace Thackeray
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Old 08-07-2010, 08:35 PM
 
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If she's creating drama out of boredom (which my 3yo does too)-- can her preschool hours be extended? Would she go for that, if your funds will cover it? Sometimes I've noticed that what DS really wants is variety and excitement of social contact, and preschool gives him that; his behavior is MUCH better when he is in school. Right now he's on vacation and acting exactly like your DD, and all I can say is thank heavens DH is working from home for a few weeks and able to give me occasional 15-minute breaks. If I didn't have that I would feel just like you describe.
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Old 08-07-2010, 08:57 PM
 
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I've moved some of your quotes around to try to address points together.

Quote:
Originally Posted by EdnaMarie View Post
GD=one kid or less, or spaced 5+ years apart at the very least. They should point that out in the books!
Well I had 4 kids in 5 years with twins in the middle and I think that it is not only possible but essential for our family to use GD methods. And I can say that they have worked beautifully in terms of helping my kids to be gentle, compassionate, disciplined, respectful, creative kids.

Quote:
Originally Posted by EdnaMarie View Post
Yes, I do want to control her, because I do believe in this instance, I know what's right for her. I know she needs sleep. I understand she may have other needs as well, but she still needs to sleeeeeep.
It isn't an either or proposition. You can help her get to sleep without controlling her if you choose to. You are choosing not to either because you don't know of other options, you are unwilling to try or because you think controlling her will be the only way she'll go to sleep. She's showing you that it isn't working. You need to invest the time as the PP said and you need to help her - that is your job as her mother.

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Originally Posted by EdnaMarie View Post
Also, "a child who runs riot over you" is also something that happens pretty amazingly quickly. I have zero control over my space, or my situation, if I do not completely manage the situation.

snip....

However, we do get to a point where things are unacceptable pretty quick, and I'm not sure why... maybe because there are two of them?.
Well I still think it is a matter of priorities. Since you approach things as black and white - what's more important to you?
A) Control over your space and the illusion you have control every situation and a hellish relationship with your child
or
B) learning how to give up control in some areas in order to have a healthy family relationship?



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Originally Posted by EdnaMarie View Post
Ah, but here's the catch. You see, since my entire life revolves around the kids, and I actually did buy her a special brush, and let her design the bedtime routine, and I let her help meal-plan (but she sometimes still refuses to eat it, or just doesn't want to), etc. etc. I can assure you that there is a disturbing paradox here.

Her need is not to have one thing or another, in particular.

It's to create... drama? Conflict? Friction is probably the best word. Almost like, "Gee, I have my favorite breakfast, a dress I picked out, and I'm playing a game with my mom. This is boring. Let's spice it up!".
... snip...
(Incidentally, thanks for the tip on accepting her nature. I have accepted her nature. Doesn't mean I want to be hit, or argued with incessantly, thanks. I can accept my child without accepting that she will engage in every behavior that comes to her mind without considering how that affects others.)
She's three. She's behaving like a normal three year old. She's trying to find her boundaries by testing her limits. She's trying to engage you. Absent any psychopathic issues, she does not have the cognitive ability you are assigning to her to be devious or controlling or abusive. She has limited cognitive ability for impuse control and limited ability to understand the long term consequences of her actions. The way to help her is to nuture those times when she does have an understanding of others and to gently open her up to understanding and having compassion to others by modelling it with her. Demanding it happens on your time table will not happen. You cannot force a flower to grow.

Quote:
Originally Posted by EdnaMarie View Post
You see, her need is to exercise her argumentative nature.
LOL as is her mother's clearly.

Quote:
Originally Posted by EdnaMarie View Post
So it doesn't matter. About the brush, about her nightlight that SHE picked out and that SHE put on the wall with daddy, about the duvet she picked out, about the story she picked (down to the cast of characters).
What matters is that over the long term she has the chance to learn, to make choices, to feel some control. Parenting is a marathon, not a sprint.


Quote:
Originally Posted by EdnaMarie View Post
But I have a right NOT to be verbally or physically abused by someone..

snip...

Her needs go down the toilet if they are physical violence against me.
How can you say this about your three year old and then ask not be told that you, as a family, need some kind of professional support. These are not markers of a normal healthy parent child relationship.


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Originally Posted by EdnaMarie View Post
I am not saying, "Let me control you because I need to have this my way."
Really? You might want to examine this more closely with respect to how much control you try to exert in all areas of your life.


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Originally Posted by EdnaMarie View Post
I am saying, "We have hygiene, health and safety standards. I have human rights as a person. Now, how can I help my you through this process with minimum disruption for all of us?"
We all have those standards. GD is not about compromising them - it is about helping the child function within them. But GD it isn't a "bare mimimun" proposition. It takes time and energy to raise a GD child. They don't just fit conveniently into the corners of your life. They become your life.


Quote:
Originally Posted by EdnaMarie View Post
1. She has a baby sister. Sorry, they tie. She WILL NOT always be first. Period, end of story.
You misunderstand.
You need to put her dealing with her needs first over dealing with the behaviour. Disciplining a hungry, lonely or tired child won't work. Discipline is about teaching and no one does their best learning when their physical and or emotional needs are not being met. It doesn't mean you can't address the situation. You just can't do it in isolation from or instead of meeting her needs.

Quote:
Originally Posted by EdnaMarie View Post
2. Meeting her needs first would be easy. I'm trying to teach her how to learn to be patient, how to wait, trying to build pathways in her brain that do not automatically demand that her every need be met immediately. That is the hard part.
Yes it is hard. It's a long process. It comes from modelling that she can't control every situation. You need to step back and see how your approach to parenting is playing into the very situations you find so frustrating.

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Originally Posted by EdnaMarie View Post
I can't meet her needs if that means I get hit. Period. I cannot accept hitting. Her needs go down the toilet if they are physical violence against me.
Again it is your job to teach her not to hit, to respect you and those around her. Removing yourself from meeting her needs does not do that. In fact it works against you.

Quote:
Originally Posted by EdnaMarie View Post
So while I appreciate the sentiment--put her first--I am not sure that is where the issue is in terms of housework, food, etc. Do you realize that I haven't read my infant a story in my lap in weeks? That unlike my first child, the baby has never had time to do a puzzle with mom? Not ONCE?
This is where you put strategies in place in your home so you can have that time. Nap time, easier meals, time during your daughter's preschool.... you have many choices if you choose to see them.

Quote:
Originally Posted by EdnaMarie View Post
No, I guess what I'm realizing is that I can't be a good parent to both of them at the same time.
You don't have a choice and you don't get off the hook that easy. It is your responsiblity as a mother to TRY.

Quote:
Originally Posted by EdnaMarie View Post
NO they don't play well inside, the three-year-old takes toys from baby's hand and does it "right", won't let her go down the slide herself, etc..
She's modelling the behavior she sees in you. She is controlling the situation.

Quote:
Originally Posted by EdnaMarie View Post
I have two kids, their needs conflict, we have a family, our needs conflict, she can't come first. Sometimes, dinner for four DOES COME FIRST. And yes, I mean, it can't wait, not even fifteen more minutes because my husband has to go and he can't march 15 miles without eating and we can't afford fast food daily, the baby is screaming and exhausted, and I'm about to faint.
Everyone has these situations in their lives. Why you think you are the only one is baffling. That's why we have given you tonnes of real world suggestions - so that if things are challenging you have back up options and or a better plan in place. Use the crockpot, have planned left overs in the fridge for your husband to grab, have one parent do dinner duty and one parent do kid duty, put her in charge of making the salad and meet her needs for engagement while you do other things, have a pre dinner snack of veggies and dip and breadsticks, allow her 30 minute of TV time while you prep dinner.

If you are forever stuck in the "one right way" approach you are never going to get out of this pattern.

Quote:
Originally Posted by EdnaMarie View Post
Period. I guess this thread is over because if that's what's required... fail! Oh well, at least I know why. Glad we have boiled it down to this point. It is all clear to me now.

snip...

I do feel justified using other methods now. If what is required that she comes first... at least I am exonerated from that. I know I can't do it, so I might as well do whatever works for us. I really thought there was a better way, but apparently not for us.
You know after reflecting on all of this I agree with you. You're right. GD methods probably aren't ever going to work for you. So cut yourself some slack, let go of your idealized version of what you think GD is and do what feels instinctively right for you. I think in the end all you were looking for was permission to do that anyway.

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Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned. ~ Buddha

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Old 08-07-2010, 09:06 PM
 
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To me, the most literal definition of GD is "no spanking, no shaming." Some people add other things. But if you are happier and more comfortable using "logical consequences" and/ or rewards, do it! Those still count as gentle even if some GD proponents are very against them. No one will take away your AP license for doing a sticker chart, I promise.
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Old 08-07-2010, 10:35 PM
 
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oh, honey. you sound like you are in so much pain. i'm so sorry things are this way for you right now. your daughter sounds like she is in pain as well. and you do sound incredibly angry with this child. i think she absolutely is reacting to that. you can argue this away if you want, but please consider, how could she *not* react off of you? you are her mother. kids (and people) respond to the subtle clues of how you really feel so much more than the technique.

please be gentle with her and you. if you are this critical of her, I can only guess how critical you are of yourself. but life does not have to be this way. parenting does not have to be this way.

my advice to you specifically would be this: learn accept paradoxes and shades of grey, approach things that you don't like or agree with that emerge from yourself, other posters, and your daughter with just a bit more empathy and just a bit less reactivity. work on being just a bit more gentle with yourself and your daughter, get through the tough parts of the day in whatever way you deem best and supplement all of those techniques with hugging her and cuddling her *with genuine intentions* AT LEAST 10 times a day. If you already do that, then do it more. if that feels too threatening, try touching her cheek gently, or laying your hand on her head--but many, many times during each day. focus on the smallness of her body and its absolute innocence. focus on letting go of your tensions and connecting to her innate goodness and to your own innate goodness. heart connections have to come before (and stay before) the neural pathways to self control that you write about can develop in healthy ways, mama. believe me I am a totally imperfect parent, who also feels totally lost in the discipline department, but I do know this one small piece of advice. so I wanted to offer it to you.

one theoretical side point I also wanted to make is there is a difference between a technique not working, and you not operationalizing the technique properly or not giving it a long enough time to start working.

hugs and best wishes.
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Old 08-07-2010, 11:58 PM
 
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To me, the most literal definition of GD is "no spanking, no shaming." Some people add other things. But if you are happier and more comfortable using "logical consequences" and/ or rewards, do it! Those still count as gentle even if some GD proponents are very against them. No one will take away your AP license for doing a sticker chart, I promise.
I completely agree. And, this is what I aim for in parenting my three kids- one of whom is much like the OPs daughter in terms of desire to 'stir things up', my 2 year old with special needs, and my 10 month old who is the most intense/high needs of the bunch. (BTW, as I type this, his dad just brought him to me because he was driving him insane- now he is sitting in my arms, where he will stay while I make dinner with the two year old underfoot- probably trying to remove all the dished from the cupboards and my eight year old arguing that she doesn't LIKE what is for dinner.

Here's the thing, I had to let go of the illusion of complete control.

The baby can sit in my arm and if I am lucky, I will get him in the ring sling instead to free up the hand. Maybe.

The toddler will make a mess of the pots and pans, and they will sit there until I get to them. They aren't pretty, but they won't hurt anyone.

My daughter will complain about what;'s offered for dinner, and she will drama-fy it all. I will request that she take a bite, and bribe her (oh yes, bribing her is a wonderful approach!) with some alternatives that she does like if she can manage to eat a little of the family meal- shell probably opt for some fresh fruit, leftover chicken, and maybe cucumber slices.

If it all goes off without a major hitch, the older two will go to bed and stay there, the baby will still insist on being held until bedtime- not cosleeping with him isn't an option as it is a very real need for him.

If the baths are missed because dinner is late tonight (oh, it is, and really, I'm ok with that) such is life. If I have to sink to bribing the oldest with a small dessert, I may well do that, because neither of us is up for the battle over food. If my two year old doesn't brush his teeth tonight, that's ok too- he had a really tough day yesterday with a haircut and is still really wary of someone touching his mouth- maybe I can get him to let me brush them, but if I can't, so be it, we will tomorrow.

It isn't perfect- and you can find a million things to criticize, but overall, my kids are healthy, I account for who they are as individual people with needs that sometimes conflict with my own, we don't hit/scream/yell to make things happen, and there is not an underlying power play going on anywhere. To me, that is absolutely what counts.

And now, I'm going to go look at my daughter's chore chart with her, and we will choose something special to do tomorrow because she did all of her chores this week- maybe a trip to the river to go hiking, or maybe- the dreaded ice cream.... yum!

Giving up my pretense of being the perfect parent has allowed me to become the parent my kids need.
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Old 08-08-2010, 12:59 AM
 
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I've been following this thread since the beginning, and have had a few thoughts building up in my head about the situation...
1. I believe toward the beginning of the thread you said that you had never really talked to your daughter's preschool teachers beyond the, "oh how was her day?" sort of thing at pick up. In your most recent post you do say that you've spoken to them, but still, I want to outline clearly the form of communication you need to have with them, just in case you haven't already done so. Schedule a parent-teacher conference. Sit down with them and explain the behaviors you are seeing at home. Ask if they are seeing the same behaviors. Ask how she interacts with peers and adults at school. Ask for specific examples. Give them specific examples of how she acts at home, and ask if they see the same behaviors in her. If they say yes, she acts that way here, ask them how they handle it. Get ideas from them! If they say yes, she acts that way here, and nothing helps the behaviors, then sorry, but it's time to look into the possibility of her having special needs. And if they say no, we don't see those behaviors, then you have to realize that something in the home environment is causing them.
2. Cognitive behavioral therapy through workbooks. Doesn't work. I saw a clinical psychologist for years for CBT. It works wonders in that environment. A workbook could be useful for the other 6 days of the week that you don't see your therapist, but please do not say that you are working on your issues by using a workbook. That's like putting a band-aid over an amputated limb.
3. An analogy of sorts, to address your daughter's "need" to argue. My 22 month old dd is obsessed with hitting. Several times a day, she grabs a toy and hits it repeatedly (mind you, this was first being done to people and pets, so she has gotten better) saying, "hit giraffe? hit giraffe? hit giraffe?" Until I say, "no, we don't hit!" Then she stops, thinks, and says, "no. giraffe cry. mama cry. giraffe sad. here mama..." and hands me the giraffe to comfort. I never really gave the behavior much thought, but something in your post made the lightbulb go off above my head- she's trying to figure out why we don't hit, why it's not ok to hit others or for others to hit you. she's trying to internalize the reason for curbing that behavior. She's trying to make sense of her world. In a similar way, I think your daughter is trying to make sense of her world. You argue, probably because of your issues with control. Your husband argues. You and he argue. I think maybe your daughter is trying it out, trying to understand why arguing is so enjoyable and bonding. Because it must be, right, since everyone in her world keeps doing it?
4. I was a second child. My older brother was very high needs. I was very low needs. I didn't get half the attention that he got. That's OK!!! I know as a parent it's incredibly difficult to be okay with that concept, but your 2nd DD will be okay with it. First children learn by doing puzzles with their parents and reading books with their parents. Second (and 3rd, 4th, etc) children learn by watching the first child do puzzles and read books. It's not better or worse, just different. But as a PP recommended, I would definitely try to make a little bit of special time for you and #2 while #1 is at preschool.
5. Have you talked about some of these problems in the Military Moms Tribe? You say that we civilians can't understand some of the issues- that seems fair. So talk to those who can!
Best wishes!!
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Old 08-08-2010, 03:03 AM
 
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There's a whole thread where people posted similar stories in response to my posting this. The very heartening point is that a lot of three year olds are like this. And they do outgrow it.
Omg that thread had me crying I was laughing so hard.
I miss 3 year olds.

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Old 08-08-2010, 04:13 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I've been following this thread since the beginning, and have had a few thoughts building up in my head about the situation...
1. I believe toward the beginning of the thread you said that you had never really talked to your daughter's preschool teachers beyond the, "oh how was her day?" sort of thing at pick up. In your most recent post you do say that you've spoken to them, but still, I want to outline clearly the form of communication you need to have with them, just in case you haven't already done so.
It was a pre-school camp and I asked to speak to them at the end.

Of COURSE they see the same behaviors I see at home. They see them in every child there! They are all three and four. I see the other kids doing the same things myself!

Quote:
Get ideas from them!
Their hands are tied. They are supposed to re-direct like mad until the parent comes and if it's something they can't re-direct away, the child leaves the pre-school. I put my daughter in for her friends because it was a six-week pr. But their discipline methodology is not great... I know many kids that were taken out of the program because their parents thought that the active kids in the regular program were having negative behaviors reinforced.



Quote:
2. Cognitive behavioral therapy through workbooks. Doesn't work. I saw a clinical psychologist for years for CBT. It works wonders in that environment. A workbook could be useful for the other 6 days of the week that you don't see your therapist, but please do not say that you are working on your issues by using a workbook. That's like putting a band-aid over an amputated limb
.

Yeah, but my issue is not an amputated limb. A therapist is for someone who meets a clinical diagnosis, and amazingly enough, even though I was VERY MOODY when PMS and I am irritated at what I feel to be some unthoughtful replies on this thread (people saying again and again, verbal correction works for all children, your child is special needs if she doesn't even though she's only three), I'm not actually diagnosed with anything, and considering how I'm functioning in real life, I'm not sure why I would be?

Because my child is in a hitting phase, we all need therapy?

Sorry, I'm not buying it.
Quote:
My 22 month old dd is obsessed with hitting. Several times a day, she grabs a toy and hits it repeatedly (mind you, this was first being done to people and pets, so she has gotten better) saying, "hit giraffe? hit giraffe? hit giraffe?" Until I say, "no, we don't hit!" Then she stops, thinks, and says, "no. giraffe cry. mama cry. giraffe sad. here mama..." and hands me the giraffe to comfort. I never really gave the behavior much thought, but something in your post made the lightbulb go off above my head- she's trying to figure out why we don't hit, why it's not ok to hit others or for others to hit you. she's trying to internalize the reason for curbing that behavior. She's trying to make sense of her world. In a similar way, I think your daughter is trying to make sense of her world.
Yes, absolutely. Three-year-olds make sense of the world through testing limits and arguing and being playful.

However, when I engage in too much arguing (taking the bait, so to speak) it starts to get out of hand, and when I don't engage, she takes it up a level.

Though, as I have mentioned six kabillion times here... the "me-challenge-her" thing has really taken the edge off that, and we are not arguing more than once or twice a week.

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You argue, probably because of your issues with control.
I'm sorry. I do not have pathological issues with control. WTH. I control normal things. I let my kids have lots of free play time at the park, we do fun stuff... I'm not seeing it.

I want her to get 12 hours sleep. I do NOT think that is obsessive! That is being a parent!



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4. I was a second child. My older brother was very high needs. I was very low needs. I didn't get half the attention that he got. That's OK!!!
How do you know she's "low needs"? How do you know she's not lonely, but introverted? She's a baby.

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5. Have you talked about some of these problems in the Military Moms Tribe? You say that we civilians can't understand some of the issues- that seems fair. So talk to those who can!
Best wishes!!
I am not sure if ANYONE there would have alternatives to time-out, LOL!!! Not that we aren't all nice... I will ask, but you see, I was looking for alternatives to what I'd been doing for sleep (bribes) and hitting (isolation) and arguing (that was the original problem and it has been solved... amazing how one suggestion that actually fits our family can solve our problems without therapy!).

WTH is up with people suggesting therapy? I had a rough two weeks with sleep after eliminating bribes. I want to be calm 100% of the time (aim high!).

I'm not mentally ill and I don't know where you're getting that... yes, this is a LONG THREAD but I am still getting great ideas from some posters...

Oh, and I tried the whole "kerfuffle"/funny-word thing and except for one incident where apparently the big deal was over done, though I didn't raise my voice ("I didn't say kerfuffle mom! I didn't!" Near tears... ), it worked like a charm, at least to stop the behavior short-term.

Long-term, we shall see... but at least we can keep her from making farting noises in public, LOL!

It's not that the stay-at-home-parent gets to stay home with the kids. The kids get to stay home with a parent. Lucky Mom to DD1 (4 y) and DD2 (18 mo), Wife to Mercenary Dad
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Old 08-08-2010, 04:48 AM
 
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WTH is up with people suggesting therapy?
Umm because you repeatedly refer to your THREE year old as a violent abusive conniving bully? Because you repeatedly say nothing works - not punishments, bribes, guidance, redirection. Because your OP is about giving up engaging with your daughter? Because the rest of your life sounds very stressful and you sound like you are at the end of your rope?

Or maybe (as evidenced by the 15 page thread full of suggestions) it is because we are concerned for you and for your children, online support doesn't seem to be working and you sound in need of IRL support and some new strategies.

Yeah maybe that's why.

Blessed partner to a great guy, and mama to 4 amazing kids. Unfortunate target of an irrationally angry IRL stalker.

Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned. ~ Buddha

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Old 08-08-2010, 08:05 AM
 
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Do you realize that I haven't read my infant a story in my lap in weeks? That unlike my first child, the baby has never had time to do a puzzle with mom? Not ONCE?

I could go on and on, but frankly, I am tearing up as I realize how much of her needs I've sacrificed for my first daughter, hoping (apparently in vain) that if I could just get it together, she would stop talking and give me a moment of peace.
Your older child is gone 3 hours a day.

You choose to clean.

And you blame HER for you not spending time with the baby??


She's not going to stop talking. THAT is her personality. She's not trying to annoy you or take away your peace. That is who she is.

I think you would benefit from a big perspective shift. I do not think you are "mentally ill." Mental illness is hardly a prerequisite for counselling or a phone consultation with a parenting coach.
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