"But I WANT it!"/Arguments - Mothering Forums
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#1 of 17 Old 09-09-2010, 11:54 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Ugh. I didn't think this would come so early (he's 2.5). But here we are...

DS picks up or does something he shouldn't (yes, we try to put forbidden objects out of the way, but he's a climber and babyproof locks haven't worked for us since about 15 months). We say, "DS, please put that down/don't do that" and offer an alternative. ("Jump on the floor instead of on the couch...") The answer is, "No. I want it..." We say, "We said no. Please put it back/stop now." "No. I want it..."

I do not argue, esp with a toddler. It's ridiculous. I say "I know you do, sweetie, but that's not for us right now..." Whatever. Response is still the same.
So what's next? I roar, he gets startled and stops. End result achieved. Except that I'm angry and he's crying.
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#2 of 17 Old 09-09-2010, 12:03 PM
 
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Well, the first thing is to understand that "I want it" is shorthand for "I want it and I don't have the impulse control to keep away from things I see that I want." He is trying to tell you that he can't help touching it if he sees it and wants it. He's 2.5 so that particular issue shouldn't last a huge amount of time later. Although I'm afraid to say when they get past one difficult issue, there always seems to be another one to take its place.

So I would work a bit harder at keeping things he shouldn't touch out of reach, and then just take things away and gently move and redirect him until he's old enough to have the impulse control to resist touching and holding things he sees that look like fun. I wouldn't argue or get upset because it isn't anything he can help or is doing to upset you. And know that you're in the home stretch of this particular problem.
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#3 of 17 Old 09-09-2010, 12:15 PM
 
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Basically what mamazee said. My standard was to try to keep as much out of reach as possible, but when unable to it was, "I understand you want it, you cannot have it right now because X." then trade/remove/distract/etc. If they tantrumed a validation of, "You're mad because you wanted X!" and maybe an understanding hug if they seemed like they'd be receptive to it. Really not much else to do - weathering the tantrum is probably the hardest part, but punishing for a tantrum is pretty pointless at this age - it's really their way to express frustration at this age, and while you can start guiding them into less loud/flailing things, they probably won't pick it up for a while. WHen they're an older 3, 4, and up then I start trying to guide them to manage the tantrum better, but before then it's pretty futile most of the time - you can certainly try by giving them alternative ways to express their anger, and it's probably a good idea to get into practice doing that, but I woulnd't expect him to be able to calm down on his own from being frustrated for a while. It's a spazzy, irrational age a lot, probably my least favorite stage (2-1/2 to 3-1/2) - not quite baby, not quite preschooler.

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#4 of 17 Old 09-09-2010, 06:06 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thank you both. After we left the house this morning, he said he wanted something while we were in the car. (I don't remember what it was, but it might as well have been, "I want it to rain" and there's not a cloud in the sky.)

I told him that wasn't possible, and he replied, "But I WANT it!" And I realized he is becoming arugmentative about EVERYTHING. If he asks for something and I say no, he asks his dad. If he picks up something and says, "Daddy, can I play with this, please?" and DH says, "Yes" he turns to me and asks permission. One answer is never enough.

I know just writing this out that this is normal toddler stuff, but it's driving me insane. I need to go take some deep, cleansing breaths!
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#5 of 17 Old 09-11-2010, 09:12 PM
 
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Hehe -- my daughter does this, too. Sometimes it makes me want to laugh. I usually give her a reason in simple language that she can understand similar to what you do. I'll repeat it maybe once. Then I say, "tough" and sometimes "we don't always get everything we want." If she ends up really upset I'll acknowledge that it's frustrating for her and try to distract her. Sometimes there's a tantrum (usually if she's tired or hungry) but often her attention is caught by something else.
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#6 of 17 Old 09-12-2010, 12:56 AM
 
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Yeah my 2.5 year old was mad last night that the sun was setting. This was the conversation last night in the car.

"Ahhhhh I don't want it to be night. I want daytime"
"DS it will be daytime tomorrow"
"No it wont"
"Yes DS I promise that the sun will be up when you wake up"
"No, the sun won't be up!"
"Ok DS I am sorry that you don't want it to be night and that you don't think the sun will come up. We'll see what happens tomorrow"
Then 15 mins of DS crying that the sun will not some up again"

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#7 of 17 Old 09-12-2010, 01:33 AM
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Sometimes two year olds need action, not just words. So instead of telling him to jump on the floor, not on the couch, you might try jumping over to him, taking his hand, jumping him down to the floor, and then jumping around on some things with him - "We can JUMP on the FLOOR... we can JUMP on the PILLOW... we can JUMP on the TEDDY - but NOT on the COUCH!" You could try making a song out of it, or being kangaroos, or whatever...

For impossible things, like wanting it to be sunny or rainy outside, I might say something like, "I like rain, too! When it rains I like to wear my rainboots!" What do you do when it rains?" Or sometimes pretend rain is fun, like getting into the shower or under the sprinkler with a raincoat and boots on, if you'rehome and have time... but often just talking about it helps.

All of this works better with a kid who isn't hungry or tired,and of course it won't always work... but the less I argued back the better things seemed to work, in general.

As far as touching things, if something fragile or potentially dangerous gets left out I generally found it easier to allow Rain to hold it while well-supervised, and talk with her about it, and then put it somewhere out of reach once she went on to something else.

 
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#8 of 17 Old 09-12-2010, 02:11 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by butterfly_mommy View Post
Yeah my 2.5 year old was mad last night that the sun was setting. This was the conversation last night in the car.

"Ahhhhh I don't want it to be night. I want daytime"
"DS it will be daytime tomorrow"
"No it wont"
"Yes DS I promise that the sun will be up when you wake up"
"No, the sun won't be up!"
"Ok DS I am sorry that you don't want it to be night and that you don't think the sun will come up. We'll see what happens tomorrow"
Then 15 mins of DS crying that the sun will not some up again"
Ugh! On days my tolerance is low I just want to lose it. Then there are days when he wakes up at 5 am and when I tell him to be quiet and go back to sleep (and I stay with him) he says, "I want Daddy." and I say, "It's still nighttime. Daddy's asleep." The answer: "No he's not. Daddy's awake. Daddy's making bagels." Um, no. Can you not hear him snoring??? And I just crack up, b/c it's so ridiculous. I guess I just wish I could always find it so funny....
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#9 of 17 Old 09-13-2010, 03:56 PM
 
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For the thing they want but can't have, I like the playful parenting technique of 'wishing' it for them and making the wishes bigger and bigger. Like, 'i want snow!' (it's summer), 'oh i wish it were snowing right now! I wish there were mounds of snow up to the car! no up to the roof of the house!'...

try to get them out of it with silliness. Harder to do with a physical object they want to grab. I tend to stick with 'i need to keep you safe, its my job'. Try to redirect elsewhere, and just hold her if she just can't do anything but cry about it. But I'll admit my kid is less intense in this area than others

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#10 of 17 Old 09-13-2010, 04:10 PM
 
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Response is still the same.
So what's next? I roar, he gets startled and stops
There's a lot of good advice, but here I guess what I would do different on a good day (on a bad day, I do exactly the same as you, LOL) would be just to let him respond the way he wants and move on. Oh, well. From my positive automatic thoughts list: "Let it go. It's his problem."

Now, that is AFTER the initial empathizing, mind you. I think what you do at first is spot-on. But I'm not going to sit there and feed the child's emotion. Empathize with the disappointment, offer an alternative, then move on. Ensure head will not bang concrete floor.

My second child does not respond to redirection, playfulness, Toddlerese... anything, really. My kids are really single-minded. They look at me like I'm an idiot when I try anything like that. So I know how you feel.
Quote:
"Ahhhhh I don't want it to be night. I want daytime"
"DS it will be daytime tomorrow"
"No it wont"
"Yes DS I promise that the sun will be up when you wake up"
"No, the sun won't be up!"
"Ok DS I am sorry that you don't want it to be night and that you don't think the sun will come up. We'll see what happens tomorrow"
My first, who's a bit older, likes to do "no it won't-yes it will-noitwont-yesitwill-noitwontyessitwilnoitwontyes..." and then suddenly I switch it so she argues the opposite, like on Looney Tunes. It's hilarious, actually. Worth a try.

It's not that the stay-at-home-parent gets to stay home with the kids. The kids get to stay home with a parent. Lucky Mom to DD1 (4 y) and DD2 (18 mo), Wife to Mercenary Dad
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#11 of 17 Old 09-13-2010, 04:35 PM
 
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In our house it goes like this:
"But I want it"
"You know what the Rolling Stones say, 'You can't always get what you want'"

I guess the kids believe the Rolling Stones more than they believe me, because it usually works.
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#12 of 17 Old 09-13-2010, 05:33 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I do tell him that we don't always get everything we want, but yeah, maybe Mick will have more credibility than I do... And DH does the Looney Tunes thing with him -- he doesn't quite see the humor in that yet! But at least it deflects the tension for us (DH and me) in the moment, which I guess is in some ways more important.

I had Playful Parenting out from the library and had to return it, but it seems like one of those I should just buy so I always have it as a reminder.

PS - Since my OP, I have realized that he's like this even when he gets what he wants!
DS: "Mommy, can I have this please?"
Me: "Sure, honey. Go ahead and play with it."
DS: "Daddy, can I have this please?"
DH: "Didn't Mommy just say yes?"
DS: "Can I have it please?"
Dude, just take it and GO!!
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#13 of 17 Old 09-13-2010, 06:19 PM
 
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This makes me crazy too. My house is like Fort Knox when it comes to childproofing (I run a home daycare) so I get most of the "But I WANT it!!" when one kid steals a toy from another kid. To the stealer it is perfectly acceptable because she wanted it. A 3yo in my home is in a stage of doing this all. day. long.

So I can't avoid it. The only way to avoid it would be to not let any of the other kids touch anything ever, because as soon as they do the 3yo wants it. I could probably just put a recording of "I know you want it but X is having it right now. You can have it when he/she is done," on repeat and leave it on all day.

So no advice. But yeah, it makes me mental too.

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#14 of 17 Old 09-13-2010, 07:18 PM
 
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i'm in the same boat. except mine has upgraded to "i NEED it".

we have a hard time mostly in the car when ds says "i want out/ i want more(nursing)" and i say we will be home soon and then we can do that first thing. but its never enough because he wants it right NOW and there is nothing i can say to make it better. "no i want to have more right NOW. i NEED it!"


  

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#15 of 17 Old 09-13-2010, 10:01 PM
 
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Originally Posted by kristinekristine View Post
i'm in the same boat. except mine has upgraded to "i NEED it".

we have a hard time mostly in the car when ds says "i want out/ i want more(nursing)" and i say we will be home soon and then we can do that first thing. but its never enough because he wants it right NOW and there is nothing i can say to make it better. "no i want to have more right NOW. i NEED it!"

Right now we have this one with going on with nursing on both sides. She's not very tolerant of the answer, "You have to leave one side for the newborn because she can only have milk." It's a big fuss.

My advice may not be appropriate for you. That's ok. You are just fine how you are and I am the right kind of me.

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#16 of 17 Old 09-13-2010, 10:54 PM
 
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Originally Posted by swd12422 View Post
PS - Since my OP, I have realized that he's like this even when he gets what he wants!
DS: "Mommy, can I have this please?"
Me: "Sure, honey. Go ahead and play with it."
DS: "Daddy, can I have this please?"
DH: "Didn't Mommy just say yes?"
DS: "Can I have it please?"
Dude, just take it and GO!!
Ours do this, too - even when we're all in one room together.....

"Didn't you just ask daddy, and he said yes? You don't ahve to double check with me, just DO IT. Sheesh."

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#17 of 17 Old 09-28-2010, 11:44 PM
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