What do you do when your child hurts someone else? - Mothering Forums
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#1 of 5 Old 10-19-2010, 01:11 PM - Thread Starter
 
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XP in toddlers. DS is three. I am really at a loss as I don't want to be too punitive. I know this has been asked before, but I'd love a fresh perspective. DS has become aggressive since DD's birth and I am just so frustrated and taken by surprise whenever it happens. For example, yesterday just as our friends were leaving our house after a playdate, he pushed them both right to the ground. They are little girls who are younger than him. I'm not really a fan of time-outs, but don't really have a great alternative. Thanks.

Angel, teaches Psych, married to Martin, chiropractor since 06/25/05 , Mama to DS, Quinn 7/11/07 and DD, Eliza 8/2/10 :
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#2 of 5 Old 10-19-2010, 03:31 PM
 
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DD is about the same as yours. When she hits/kicks/hurts another child (mainly her brother), I tell her, "It's not okay to (insert behavior here)." Then I tell her to say she's sorry. I know that's not always popular, but I think recognizing that you've hurt someone and trying to make amends is an important life skill. Saying sorry is a simple way for a toddler to do this. She'll find other ways to do so as she gets older.

I also personally apologize to the child and parent. At that point, depending on the situation I either redirect her to a new activity or we leave. Also, I do try to find the root problem and address that to avoid repeat behavior: were the kids fighting over a toy, etc.

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#3 of 5 Old 10-19-2010, 04:52 PM
 
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i usually try to give ds the words he is looking for while vaildating his feelings. for example, i might say something like "ds, no hitting! it's ok that you are angry, but if you are angry at so and so for taking your toy, then TELL him so". if he kept doing it over and over then i would probably take him home where he can't hurt anybody. i would also make sure the other child was ok and apologize to the kid/mom ( and hopefully ds will do the same!)

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#4 of 5 Old 10-19-2010, 05:09 PM
 
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nak

ds went through an aggressive phase when he was around 2.5-just turned 3. whenever he would hurt another child, i would completely ignore ds and tend to the injured child. I'd say "oh no! are you ok? I saw ds hit you and that is not acceptable. I'm so sorry that happened to you! do you need a drink of water or an ice pack etc?" I'd then have ds help me get the water or ice or what have you.

Basically I tried to model the behavior I wanted my son to do when he saw someone hurt (even if he was the one who hurt them). I think all too often in these situations, the victim is ignored....or possibly gets a forced "sorry" and that's it.

When this would happen, ds would usually sulk and watch me care for the other child at first, but once I would ask him if he'd like to help me get water etc...he would happily do so and would say sorry to the child all on his own.

Now that we're past his aggressive stage, he's very empathetic and tends to hurt children right away.

I forgot to add that after the injured child was ok, I'd talk to ds about what happened and tell him he should use his words or whatever the situation called for next time.

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#5 of 5 Old 10-19-2010, 06:19 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Oliver'sMom View Post
nak

ds went through an aggressive phase when he was around 2.5-just turned 3. whenever he would hurt another child, i would completely ignore ds and tend to the injured child. I'd say "oh no! are you ok? I saw ds hit you and that is not acceptable. I'm so sorry that happened to you! do you need a drink of water or an ice pack etc?" I'd then have ds help me get the water or ice or what have you.

Basically I tried to model the behavior I wanted my son to do when he saw someone hurt (even if he was the one who hurt them). I think all too often in these situations, the victim is ignored....or possibly gets a forced "sorry" and that's it.

When this would happen, ds would usually sulk and watch me care for the other child at first, but once I would ask him if he'd like to help me get water etc...he would happily do so and would say sorry to the child all on his own.

Now that we're past his aggressive stage, he's very empathetic and tends to hurt children right away.

I forgot to add that after the injured child was ok, I'd talk to ds about what happened and tell him he should use his words or whatever the situation called for next time.
I think this is fantastic from start to finish!
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