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#1 of 18 Old 11-14-2010, 12:25 PM - Thread Starter
 
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firstly idk where to post this b/c everything is different and i cant find personal growth which i think may be where this should be...

 

DD is 13 months old! we went to grandpa's house and his wife starts with oh i dont babyproof and refuse to move anything for a baby...im like ok...so of course DD strted getting into everything. then his wife just keeps yelling NO! at her for touching everything and says to me she needs to learn her boundries and the word no. i said shes only one years old...and she was like well you have to start sometime. so she keeps telling DD no every five seconds and i was getting upset but didnt say anything IDK it was her house? so then she grabs her hands a few times and says no! and i shot her a look like dont touch my kid. then she says to my DD look at me when im talking to you (which she doesnt shes 13 freaking months old!) and she grabs her face like under her jaw and turns her head toward her and says i said no! then DD ran away and hit her head and started crying.

she doesnt understand GD at all thinks im insane blah blah blah, i have a history of abuse with my father but my mom died a long time ago and hes the only grandparent that actually cares about her. hes changed alot and i have given him a second chance. idk if its the past abuse that made me tense up and not say anything to protect my child or the fact its her house or the fact we just drove an hour there im not sure. im really upset and i cant get the image of her grabbing my childs face out of my head. im not sure what to say to her. i need some help please.


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#2 of 18 Old 11-14-2010, 12:30 PM
 
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Honestly, I would ask them to visit your house.  Clearly she doesn't understand the abilities of a 13 month old so I personally just eliminate the issue.  They can come to your house where it's baby safe and you are in charge.  If that won't work, I have other advice, but it's not as simple or nice :)

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#3 of 18 Old 11-14-2010, 12:36 PM
 
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Maybe this is a silly question, but where were *you* during this?  Were you with your child redirecting her?  Because if so, I would have just said "I'm handling this, thank you!" so that your step-mom realizes that your LO WAS getting boundaries.  And every time your little one goes over there, I'd be shadowing your LO really closely to make sure that she's a) not alone with someone who disciplines her in a way you don't approve and b) make sure she's not touching your SM's things since it's clear that SM doesn't want children touching her things.  Not everyone babyproofs or makes their home child friendly, so when we travel to those places, I have to be all over my kids and not give them the freedom to explore out of respect for the homeowner.  And a huge ditto to the suggestion to only have gatherings at your house or kid friendly places.

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#4 of 18 Old 11-14-2010, 01:07 PM
 
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What has always worked for me is avoiding places that aren't child friendly. A one year old is way too little to understand that she can't touch all of the neat new things that she sees. Refusing to baby proof is not only immature of your step mother, but also dangerous.

As for her putting her hands on your child and talking to her like that, NOT GOOD. I would have took my child and left after that.

Perhaps suggest that they visit you at your home if they are unwilling to make a baby safe home.

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#5 of 18 Old 11-14-2010, 01:07 PM
 
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I suggest bringing things your dd can play with and staying right with her next time so your step-mom isn't the one doing the parenting.  It was always very exhausting to go visiting when my dd was little because she wanted to touch and feel everything and I had to do a lot of redirecting, holding, and distraction.  If you choose to step back and let someone else take control you have to expect that things you don't agree with will happen.  It sounds like your step-mom didn't hurt her, just startled her and she was hurt by the running and falling.  I suggest at least looking like you are actively parenting so she doesn't step in with inappropriate parenting again.

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#6 of 18 Old 11-14-2010, 01:10 PM
 
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Well, since she already knows about GD and "thinks you're insane" then it's not a matter of her not knowing.  Or maybe she doesn't know it is "GD" and just the weird way you do things that she has simply seen you do?

 

Anyhow, if she knows, then the only thing you can do is tell her that yelling at your dd is not acceptable, nor is grabbing.  I would simply say: "When we were over and you were yelling no over and over and grabbed dd's face--that wasn't okay with us."  You will then get her reaction...  Good luck.  But stick to:  "You may think x, y, and z but we disagree, we are the parents, and that is not okay."  I would not try to convince her to agree with your reasons because that will be a useless distraction.  Don't play if she tries to convince you either.

 

If she really doesn't know your intentions then you need to have a conversation with her in which you do describe what you do and why.  And maybe be ready to say clearly to her that while you could be wrong, it's still your own choice or mistake to make.  Tell her to wait twenty years and then she can say "I told you so" but for now she needs to leave you to work it out your way. 

 

I think it is also important to let you dad know where you stand and how that is said depends upon the history of the relationship.  He may also be a good go-between.  You could tell him you very sensitive for dd's sake to yelling and that it is very important to you to always be gentle--and he could pass that along.

 

I would restrict visiting without babyproofing.  I've been there.  I might plan for visits involving 1/2 hour or less because that is all I could endure with a toddler.  Because I would personally have to follow my child around, distracting and carrying and ... and no one else would have a chance to be the one intervening except me or dh.  If that is where she stands on babyproofing then you might say you will wait until dd is older so she can relax and enjoy herself in their house.  It's her house, yes, but she should make you as visitors comfortable.  I only feel comfortable visiting where the normal activities of children are acceptable and welcome.  It's your time and your child and you have a right to some relaxed enjoyment if you are going to make time to visit them. You could also suggest outings where you are in neutral child-friendly territory like going to the zoo or similar

 

After several incidents have occurred, we now have minimal relationships with family who are rough with their kids and have been rough toward ours.  Part of this was with my mom's husband who used very loud threats against my special needs child.  In order to be a reasonably centered mama I ultimately need to spend time with people with whom I can be myself and who can be themselves with me.  If you explain what you expect and are treated with disrespect that is a bad sign.  I can't handle much of any relationships in which I am openly disrespected about things that are deeply important to me.  A debate is one thing but anything said that is against my right to make decisions and not be undermined is not okay.  I value family connection, but not enough for what we were experiencing while connected.  I don't at all think you should ditch your dad and his wife, but I do think that you should not hesitate to create distance if the relationship seems toxic over time.

 

I wish you the very best in finding a solution that helps with the least stress possible.  


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#7 of 18 Old 11-14-2010, 01:40 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mamalisa View Post


Honestly, I would ask them to visit your house.  Clearly she doesn't understand the abilities of a 13 month old so I personally just eliminate the issue.  They can come to your house where it's baby safe and you are in charge.  If that won't work, I have other advice, but it's not as simple or nice smile.gif





This is the solution we used for a similar issue with my MIL and it's worked really well! After all, I'd be CRAZY to expect HER to change!!! And I understand wanting to make space for those relationships...
Hope you can find some patience/forgiveness for yourself. These situations are so difficult. I don't sense, from what you've said that your abuse history is affecting your reaction. I think any mama would be challenges by this!
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#8 of 18 Old 11-14-2010, 02:31 PM
 
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Kudos for keeping calm.  I probably would have grabbed her face and said "Look at me, Lay your hands on my child again and we never ever come see you again." said polite goodbyes and left with my child so they understood I meant business.

 

That being said I would have kept DD on my lap or occupied and out of her reach, rather than attempting to teach my parents the value of baby-proofing, KWIM?  It SOUNDS like you opted to take a back seat and it SOUNDS from your post like you did so intentioanlly to show your SM why she should babyproof, and it sounds like it kinda blew up in your face.  That's what it sounds like anyway. shy.gif

 

I you have a strong need to let your kid have free reign of their environment, I agree with the PP who said you should keep activities to kid friendly zones.  I also think if that is not an option and you need to go there again you should take control of the situation and ensure your DD is entertained, enaged, and stays within boundaries that do not upset your SM...perhaps baby proof some for her, such as moving objects up high for the duration of a visit, or blocking outlets with furniture and if she objects you can then explain that you do not wish to go to their house because it is not fun for you to spend the whole time reprimanding your child.


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#9 of 18 Old 11-14-2010, 03:35 PM
 
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Yeah that.

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Originally Posted by hakeber View Post

Kudos for keeping calm.  I probably would have grabbed her face and said "Look at me, Lay your hands on my child again and we never ever come see you again." said polite goodbyes and left with my child so they understood I meant business.

 

 

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#10 of 18 Old 11-14-2010, 03:51 PM - Thread Starter
 
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she insisted we visit her house lol we live 1hr away and they always come here b/c hell i have no time to drive an hour with a baby. i didnt know it would be like that when we went there. i hardly know the woman the minute my mom died my father gave me to the state and married this lady i hate her guts for the most part lol.

 

i wasnt intentionally trying to prove anything to her i just didnt know what to do ive never been in that situation before b/c most people realise a baby will destruct everything! she has grandkids of her own who sleep over there i mean i figured it was fine.

 

i feel like i failed DD for letting her disrespect my baby like that and no, she didnt hurt her-im not saying she did but i feel very strongly about people putting unwanted hands on other people whether it be gently or forcefully. if its unwelcome im not comfortable but especially when its "disciplinary" im completely against it.

 

i guess i will have to call her and explain it all...its so hard b/c my dad has issues and "has no recollection" of his abuse towards his children (which i still dont know if its genuine or not he does seem to have some mental issues though) but i did tell his wife what happened before with him and how im not comfortable with violence or yelling with my children.

 

i mean shes barely tolerable as a person period. the woman comes with a headache seriously, which makes it harder to even cope with her never mind issues between us. plus i went over there b/c we recently had to downsize and they have my dog until we can get a place that takes pets (we went from our own house to an apartment) and i needed to see my pooch. ): the landlord here even had it written into contract the dog cant visit over here...


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#11 of 18 Old 11-14-2010, 06:09 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by sosurreal09 View Post

she insisted we visit her house lol we live 1hr away and they always come here b/c hell i have no time to drive an hour with a baby. i didnt know it would be like that when we went there. i hardly know the woman the minute my mom died my father gave me to the state and married this lady i hate her guts for the most part lol.

 

i wasnt intentionally trying to prove anything to her i just didnt know what to do ive never been in that situation before b/c most people realise a baby will destruct everything! she has grandkids of her own who sleep over there i mean i figured it was fine.

 

i feel like i failed DD for letting her disrespect my baby like that and no, she didnt hurt her-im not saying she did but i feel very strongly about people putting unwanted hands on other people whether it be gently or forcefully. if its unwelcome im not comfortable but especially when its "disciplinary" im completely against it.

 

i guess i will have to call her and explain it all...its so hard b/c my dad has issues and "has no recollection" of his abuse towards his children (which i still dont know if its genuine or not he does seem to have some mental issues though) but i did tell his wife what happened before with him and how im not comfortable with violence or yelling with my children.

 

i mean shes barely tolerable as a person period. the woman comes with a headache seriously, which makes it harder to even cope with her never mind issues between us. plus i went over there b/c we recently had to downsize and they have my dog until we can get a place that takes pets (we went from our own house to an apartment) and i needed to see my pooch. ): the landlord here even had it written into contract the dog cant visit over here...



When there is a child in your home, and the parents aren't doing anything to keep them out of your stuff how do you handle it without touching them??  Grabbing the face wasn't cool, but what's wrong with taking her hands? How else do you get a 13mo to stop touching them other than removing their hands from the item or picking the child up and moving them away from the item?  If you don't want her parenting your kiddo you have to do it yourself.


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#12 of 18 Old 11-15-2010, 12:51 PM - Thread Starter
 
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i was trying to redirect her and do it myself she kept butting in. ANYTHING she touched even books or the clicker like whatever there was she kept yelling at her, it was ridiculous, i did bring toys for the baby, she was just more interested in everything else. i dont mind her moving her hand ect but she was like really grabbing her arms and stuff...


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#13 of 18 Old 11-15-2010, 01:07 PM
 
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I think you need to find a new home for your dog.  You clearly do not trust your father or like his wife.  Why are you spending time around people you hate for a dog?  I've loved all my dogs in my life but not enough to surround myself with people I hate.


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#14 of 18 Old 11-15-2010, 01:26 PM
 
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I think you need to find a new home for your dog.  You clearly do not trust your father or like his wife.  Why are you spending time around people you hate for a dog?  I've loved all my dogs in my life but not enough to surround myself with people I hate.



I have to say I would put up with it for my dog. She is a member of our family and I too would go through a lot to ensure I could keep her. It would break my heart to lose my dog.  

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#15 of 18 Old 11-15-2010, 01:27 PM
 
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I'm sorry this happened to you and your LO. it sounds like you will either need to not spend time at their house, or be extra attentive to what your LO is doing and ask your dad's wife not to discipline your LO.

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#16 of 18 Old 11-15-2010, 01:51 PM
 
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If someone butts in between YOU and YOUR child then you calmly tell them that you are handling it and to back off.  Also, not everyone is going to babyproof.  I never expect anyone to do it.  Not even my own mother.  And she watches my DS!  Hey if she wants to spend more time chasing after him, fine with me.  But when I am there, I will do it.  In anyone's home I make sure that I or DH is redirecting our kid.


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#17 of 18 Old 11-15-2010, 08:42 PM
 
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you know what ... i have had more than a few moments where something so unexpected happened regarding my child (like a similar situation to yours) that i completely went dumb and didnt do *anything* either. mistakes happen.

 

to me, it sounds like it all happened so fast, and that you *meant* to discipline/redirect your child, but that your step mom just took over. i think next time, just take what youve learned from this experience and seriously stay on top of your DD. dont give the step mom a chance to discipline her in ways that you arent comfortable with. i doubt that she will change, even if you bring up what happened to her, so you are going to have to really be on top of it and do things your way.

 

good luck :) my FIL loves the word "no" and yells it constantly to my ds (19m). i breaks my heart, but he is my sons beloved grandpa, and i step in and take ds away from FIL whenever i feel necessary.


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#18 of 18 Old 11-16-2010, 05:40 AM - Thread Starter
 
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ty for the support 


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