WWYD? DD quit ballet and we had to pay for it. - Page 4 - Mothering Forums

Forum Jump: 
Reply
 
Thread Tools
#91 of 97 Old 01-24-2011, 06:23 PM
 
Jewls9791's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 2
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

I took ballet from age three untill I was 19! 

 

I remember a time when I would do exactly as your daughter was and it was because the teacher had been telling me I was too fat to take point class like the rest of my classmates and was riding me really hard about well.. everything.  It got to the point that my friends were whispering about me in the changeroom because the teacher talked about me to them.  She would tell them to pressure me to stop eating. 

 

I was 13 at the time.

 

I never told anyone about this because I was embarrased and hurt.

 

Lucky for me the teacher was such so sure of her "teaching" style that she called my parents and told them to put me on a diet.  For the record I was NOT overweight.  I was however going through puberty so my balance was off and I was growing breast.  Duh right?!  My parents IMMEDIATELY pulled me from lessons at this studio and found a more healthy environment for me to continue my passion for dance.  The issues of temper tantrums and battles to get ready and get in the car stopped instantly and I continued to LOVE dance for many many years and I still do. 

 

I share this only to give you another perspective. 

 

Good luck!!!

Jewls9791 is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
#92 of 97 Old 01-25-2011, 06:48 PM
 
Storm Bride's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Vancouver, BC
Posts: 25,597
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

GoBecGo: Thank you for sharing your story. I know a man with a similar background (parents both professional musicians, but he's completely tone deaf). His mom is still alive, and their relationship is still trashed by her disappointment in him and belief that he just didn't try hard enough, etc.


Lisa, lucky mama of Kelly (3/93) ribboncesarean.gif, Emma (5/03) ribboncesarean.gif, Evan (7/05) ribboncesarean.gif, & Jenna (6/09) ribboncesarean.gif
Loving my amazing dh, James & forever missing ribbonpb.gif Aaron Ambrose ribboncesarean.gif (11/07) ribbonpb.gif

Storm Bride is offline  
#93 of 97 Old 01-25-2011, 10:01 PM
 
matte's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: (upper) Manhattan
Posts: 126
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)


 

Quote:
Originally Posted by Jewls9791 View Post

I took ballet from age three untill I was 19! 

 

I remember a time when I would do exactly as your daughter was and it was because the teacher had been telling me I was too fat to take point class like the rest of my classmates and was riding me really hard about well.. everything.  It got to the point that my friends were whispering about me in the changeroom because the teacher talked about me to them.  She would tell them to pressure me to stop eating. 

 

I was 13 at the time.

 

I never told anyone about this because I was embarrased and hurt.

 

Lucky for me the teacher was such so sure of her "teaching" style that she called my parents and told them to put me on a diet.  For the record I was NOT overweight.  I was however going through puberty so my balance was off and I was growing breast.  Duh right?!  My parents IMMEDIATELY pulled me from lessons at this studio and found a more healthy environment for me to continue my passion for dance.  The issues of temper tantrums and battles to get ready and get in the car stopped instantly and I continued to LOVE dance for many many years and I still do. 

 

I share this only to give you another perspective. 

 

Good luck!!!


Just seconding this perspective. You mentioned, OP, that your daughter is not small. Is she bigger than many of the kids in her class (taller, maybe more athletically built?). Just wondering, because I had a lot of fear around ballet at that age, for reasons similar to the ones listed above, though my teachers were much more subtle... might be worth digging further into the class dynamics for some perspective of what's causing this sudden about face...

matte is offline  
#94 of 97 Old 01-26-2011, 03:00 AM
 
Gismobabe's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Vienna
Posts: 325
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

This is a hard on and we had a similar situation last fall. In the end I think that it will be too hard for you to take her against her will and too hard for her to go if she made up her mind. I am not sure if money means anything to her, so taking the money from her bank account might not even cause her a second thought. What about writing a list of what the class cost and give her a chaoice of either "working it off" with extra chores or say no to every item she wants (ice cream, carussel ride, cute t-Shirt) and take that amount off the list until she has paid it. This would be a consequence my 6.5 year old would understand.


Barbara, Mama to Isabel (06/2004), Jake (08/2006-03/2007), Noah (01/2008), and Matteo (07/2011) 
Please always research the safety of vaccines even if your doctor tells you they are harmless! novaxnocirc.gif

Gismobabe is offline  
#95 of 97 Old 01-27-2011, 01:17 AM
 
Viola's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Nevada
Posts: 22,549
Mentioned: 4 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 10 Post(s)


Quote:
Originally Posted by mom2happy View Post

 

Things is, she could care less about time with friends. She is a very introverted. Also, when she rages, she honestly cares less about what she loses.

At wits end from dealing with her rage and tantrums, I have resorted to this approach and I can honestly say it makes things so much worse.

She realizes when she has nothing to lose it's a free for all. She has even told me clearly "I don't CARE what you could ever take- take it ALL". I know she means it. 


OK, this sounds a lot like my older daughter when she was younger.  And actually my younger daughter now, but in a different way.  My younger daughter, 7,  is pretty explosive, and if you give her a consequence, suddenly the thing you want to take away is the enemy.  So if I say, "Look, you really need to put your toys away before you go to bed tonight, or some of them will be going in the trash (like the little plastic things she gets from wherever and leaves all over for days), she'll blow up and say, "FINE, I'll throw it away NOW!"  Then she stomps over to the trash can and throws toys away that she was just playing with, not the ones that were left out from before.  And then when I ask why she is doing that, she says I obviously want them in the trash.  With her I feel like she is incredibly strong-willed and willing to fight to get her own way.

 

My older daughter would have these periods where it just felt like she couldn't do what I was asking of her, and it felt like she just couldn't cope, so I gave her a little leeway.  So if she dropped something right in the middle of the floor, and I asked her to pick it up, she might have a meltdown, but later when she was calmer, she'd put it away.  I would sign her up for things like the Little Gym or swim lessons and she'd want to do it, but then when the time came to go to the class, she didn't want to go, it was boring, etc., and if I pushed her on it, she'd get increasingly agitated and fight going.  Sometimes I'd let her miss, but then she would want to do things that she couldn't miss, like a play where she agreed to be there before she took the part.  For swim lessons, I just had to give a one month notice, but it got strung along for awhile.  She missed a lot of classes, but then I gave the one month notice and she started wanting to go, but it was too late.

 

So the bottom line would be that taking the money out of her bank account is probably worth it to her at this point.  If she says take it all, it's because the money doesn't have the same meaning to her that it does to us.  At least that's how it is with us; my kids ultimately know if they want to do something and are dedicated, I'll pay for them to do it, and I end up buying them things too, so they don't get the whole money thing.  They do get their own money to spend, and I think they are more judicious with it, but my older daughter only seems to really made a conscious attempt to save up for something in the last year, and even while she is saving, she'll ask me to take her to Starbucks.  

 

Right now, if you need the money more than she needs it in her account, take it.  Or just leave it in her account for later, but don't let her spend it.  Then when she talks about wanting this or that, with these whims of iron that many children have, you can bring up the price of this and compare it to a dance lesson or a recital costume and do the whole, "resources are limited, we have to choose carefully" talk, and maybe that will help in the longterm.  Because my daughters would say, "Yeah, I want to do it, sign me up again" when we were there doing the lesson, but when it came time to go to the class, they would still put up a fight, and then tell me I should just cancel it and get my money back--they really didn't get it at that age. 

Viola is online now  
#96 of 97 Old 01-27-2011, 09:33 AM - Thread Starter
 
mom2happy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 983
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)



 

Quote:
Originally Posted by Viola View Post



Quote:
Originally Posted by mom2happy View Post

 

Things is, she could care less about time with friends. She is a very introverted. Also, when she rages, she honestly cares less about what she loses.

At wits end from dealing with her rage and tantrums, I have resorted to this approach and I can honestly say it makes things so much worse.

She realizes when she has nothing to lose it's a free for all. She has even told me clearly "I don't CARE what you could ever take- take it ALL". I know she means it. 


OK, this sounds a lot like my older daughter when she was younger.  And actually my younger daughter now, but in a different way.  My younger daughter, 7,  is pretty explosive, and if you give her a consequence, suddenly the thing you want to take away is the enemy.  So if I say, "Look, you really need to put your toys away before you go to bed tonight, or some of them will be going in the trash (like the little plastic things she gets from wherever and leaves all over for days), she'll blow up and say, "FINE, I'll throw it away NOW!"  Then she stomps over to the trash can and throws toys away that she was just playing with, not the ones that were left out from before.  And then when I ask why she is doing that, she says I obviously want them in the trash.  With her I feel like she is incredibly strong-willed and willing to fight to get her own way.

 

My older daughter would have these periods where it just felt like she couldn't do what I was asking of her, and it felt like she just couldn't cope, so I gave her a little leeway.  So if she dropped something right in the middle of the floor, and I asked her to pick it up, she might have a meltdown, but later when she was calmer, she'd put it away.  I would sign her up for things like the Little Gym or swim lessons and she'd want to do it, but then when the time came to go to the class, she didn't want to go, it was boring, etc., and if I pushed her on it, she'd get increasingly agitated and fight going.  Sometimes I'd let her miss, but then she would want to do things that she couldn't miss, like a play where she agreed to be there before she took the part.  For swim lessons, I just had to give a one month notice, but it got strung along for awhile.  She missed a lot of classes, but then I gave the one month notice and she started wanting to go, but it was too late.

 

So the bottom line would be that taking the money out of her bank account is probably worth it to her at this point.  If she says take it all, it's because the money doesn't have the same meaning to her that it does to us.  At least that's how it is with us; my kids ultimately know if they want to do something and are dedicated, I'll pay for them to do it, and I end up buying them things too, so they don't get the whole money thing.  They do get their own money to spend, and I think they are more judicious with it, but my older daughter only seems to really made a conscious attempt to save up for something in the last year, and even while she is saving, she'll ask me to take her to Starbucks.  

 

Right now, if you need the money more than she needs it in her account, take it.  Or just leave it in her account for later, but don't let her spend it.  Then when she talks about wanting this or that, with these whims of iron that many children have, you can bring up the price of this and compare it to a dance lesson or a recital costume and do the whole, "resources are limited, we have to choose carefully" talk, and maybe that will help in the longterm.  Because my daughters would say, "Yeah, I want to do it, sign me up again" when we were there doing the lesson, but when it came time to go to the class, they would still put up a fight, and then tell me I should just cancel it and get my money back--they really didn't get it at that age. 



I was trying to get across that when she is in the heat of the moment she doesn't care what she loses. She basically loses any rational thought whatsoever.

 

As far as the money goes. She gets it. She is a bit of a hoarder and she counts her cash every once in a while. She has purchased several things from stores and is aware of what a lot of things cost.

This also wasn't a heat of the moment decision. I worked with her for months on this issue and this was the talked about agreed upon final outcome.

She wound up getting more money and gets an allowance. She has more cash than I had till I was a teenager and got a job!

Of course I feel bad to take anything from her. I only want happiness and peace for her. She just keeps doing so many of the same things over until there is a real boundary set.

Just letting things go doesn't work with this DD. She seems to NEED consequences to be able to control herself sometimes.

Do I technically need her $50? No, but I feel like I have to this to make some impact in her mind that the behavior she had was not okay.

mom2happy is offline  
#97 of 97 Old 01-29-2011, 01:09 AM
 
Viola's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Nevada
Posts: 22,549
Mentioned: 4 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 10 Post(s)

My kids are like this too, I know it's not that unusual.  I often wonder aloud why it is kids seem to have no self preservation instinct.  Oh well, glad you worked it out.

Originally Posted by mom2happy View Post



I was trying to get across that when she is in the heat of the moment she doesn't care what she loses. She basically loses any rational thought whatsoever.

 

 

Viola is online now  
Reply

User Tag List

Thread Tools
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page


Forum Jump: 

Posting Rules  
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off