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Need Some New Coping Techniques

539 views 2 replies 3 participants last post by  Dandelionkid 
#1 ·
DD is almost 2.5. She's been intense and "high needs" from the start. She's extremely persistent, and pretty clever. She's many wonderful things, and she's driving me INSANE!! We also have a 5 month old.

Our nursing relationship (dd's and mine) is thorny, to say the least. She's intensely attached, but her latch has gone to crap, it physically hurts me to nurse her and I'm crazy irritated by it in general! I think that's part of the issue, but the greater part is maybe just that she's two, and two is a hard age? Maybe?

She just pushes every boundary. She has daily tantrums over the tiniest things, and can carry on for 2+hours in a go. I tell her a million times a day to be gentle with people, or to walk softly (we live above our landlords, and she literally STOMPS around, on purpose!), or that we're done eating raisins for the day, or, or, you get the picture. She's very honest about it, but she's pushing, pinching and slapping both her brother and her friends, typically without the slightest provocation. Redirection, distraction, empathy, ignoring, none of it works! I've tried time outs, and they're worse than innefective, so that's off the roster.

I've read Raising Your Spirited Child, How to Talk so Your Kids Will Listen, etc, etc. We've tried tinkering with her diet, but nothing seems to be a specific trigger.

When I try to give myself a time out, she screams and cries and smashes on the door, and it's all very un-time outish (ie: I just feel more stressed as a result!)

With the multiple reminders about things, I've tried making it a game, I've tried modelling the behaviour, I've tried a mock angry voice, I've tried just saying it once and moving on. I ask her if she understands (yes), I ask her to tell me what I just said (rarely seems to have a clue), I've tried making eye contact (she often puposefully looks away). I've tried gently touching her shoulder to make sure she's listening. I've occasionally lost it and just yelled at her (total bust). Nothing seems to really work!

She does really well when we spend very limited time with other people (she's a complete disaster if we spend an entire afternoon with friends), and when she has complete, focused, one on one attention. I've only recently figured out the time with other people thing, and it sucks because it means *I* have to limit my time with other people, but it is what it is. The focused attention thing is just not possible for the entire day though, I do what I can when ds is sleeping, but the reality is that she has a sibling, and I have a house and people to keep half-clean and fed.

My key frustrations are the physical violence and the fact that I have to ask her eight zillion times to do anything.

What can I do?!

Also, can someone describe what a "time IN" looks like for you and your toddler?

Sorry this is so long, and thanks for any ideas!
 
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#3 ·
hug.gif
My 2.5 yr old is not so spirited but spirited nonetheless! Mine really needs validation during the tantrum- it shortens its duration considerably. An example: she woke up in the middle of the night recently yelling/screaming "I DO IT!!!!" Nothing could calm her down except me saying "Yes you are right you can do it (no idea what "it" was), yup that wasn't nice of mom, very unfair.." SHe eventually started agreeing with me through the sobs and then settled down. She really seems to need this.

Also my dd is not one for a time-in. Tried it- makes her more angry. She sometimes needs to be alone in her room screaming her head off for a few minutes to calm down and want mommy time again.

Definitely not an exact science :)
 
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