My nine month old baby screams every time I put him down! - Mothering Forums

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Old 07-25-2011, 11:03 PM - Thread Starter
 
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My nine month old baby boy by nature is a happy self-soother, sucks his fingers, loves exploring and crawling around etc. Lately when I'm the only one around with him he throws a major fit if I put him down for even a moment (even with his toys around!) Unless there's other people and distractions around he just wants me to hold him! My motherly intuition tells me there isn't anything bothering him - because he's very content when I hold him - but I'm beginning to get very resentful towards his behavior as well as completely drained. I'm all into attachment parenting - I sleep with him, nurse on demand, wear him when I can etc.

But how much is too much? How do I set a gentle limit on him so he stops demanding so much of me? 

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Old 07-25-2011, 11:45 PM
 
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awww, im so feeling for you .... my 11m old is doing this right now, and my 2year old did it around the same age.

 

 i dont have any wise wisdom, but they wont do it forever. my toddler never lets me hold him anymore :( all i can say is baby wearing ALL DAY is what is saving me. its annoying, but hearing him scream is worse


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Old 07-26-2011, 11:03 AM
 
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Children go through phases, your child needs to feel secure and wants to see what is going on. I would just carry my child all day long at that age, and I still do now at 20months.


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Old 07-26-2011, 11:33 AM
 
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My 9 month old is going through the same phase. I'm finding it very difficult because my first never had a phase like this. 

 

I don't think it's wise to impose a limit. You have limits naturally and as long as you are aware of your limits, your baby will be too. I hold the baby as much as she needs as long as I can meet that need without becoming resentful. When I reach my limit I feel really irritable. This is when I put the baby down and wait for the urge to hold her to come back, which is usually only a couple seconds, but feeling like I made the choice to pick her up makes all the difference in my mind! I've found that the more that I do this, the more tolerant I become of her overwhelming needs, just like exercise. As long as you listen to your body and allow some recovery time you can stretch your tolerance and become more and more capable. 

 

Our babies needs often trump our own but we are human and have limits and the right to respect those without feeling guilty. Babies need mommies, not martyrs.


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Old 07-26-2011, 03:28 PM
 
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The joke at our house when mine was that age was that I was going to be carrying her until her feet drug the floor!  My oldest girl went from a relaxed, easy going baby to a clinging, screamy me-me in the blink of an eye and it took me completely by surprise.  I just popped her in her carrier in the morning after her breakfast and bath and where I went she went..for a while.  After she realized that I was not making any attempt to "escape" from her she started to want more independence from me! 

 

I think that if I had thrown down the gauntlet, we both would have been miserable. 

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Old 07-26-2011, 10:23 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by missbaby View Post

The joke at our house when mine was that age was that I was going to be carrying her until her feet drug the floor!  My oldest girl went from a relaxed, easy going baby to a clinging, screamy me-me in the blink of an eye and it took me completely by surprise.  I just popped her in her carrier in the morning after her breakfast and bath and where I went she went..for a while.  After she realized that I was not making any attempt to "escape" from her she started to want more independence from me! 

 

I think that if I had thrown down the gauntlet, we both would have been miserable. 


Well that is very good for you! Not everyone has that level of tolerance built in, some people (me!) need a lot of practice. I would have never had the chance to grow if I didn't allow myself my limits. KWIM? It is detrimental to impose limits outright, though, like to say "OK, I am overwhelmed so I am going to put you down for 5 minutes every hour" or something, because that also stops you from growing to the level of tolerance that the baby needs, because then you're not even giving yourself a chance. 

 

Am I making any sense?

 


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Old 07-26-2011, 10:55 PM
 
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A baby around 8 or 9 months can start to have separation anxiety.  It's their realization that they are sperate from you and that you could go away.  It's totally normal, does not require any limit setting whatsoever and it WILL END.  And babies will demand pretty much your heart and soul, at least it seems that way at times.  That will change as well, and they'll start moving out from you and into the world, maybe sooner, maybe later.  I found the first year really was me reaching the end of my rope over and over and over, but somehow I made it through.  If things don't ease up a little, maybe you could find a mothers helper to come hang out with you, or put your son in a carrier, but I honestly think he'll grow out of this phase and someday you'll be really sad that your boy doesn't want to be in your arms all of the time.  I also know it's not easy to see that when you're in the thick of things.  Hang in there.


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Old 07-26-2011, 11:22 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks for all the encouraging words. I think I need to adjust my expectations and realize that this too shall pass. Instead of thinking "I need to do this and that so I need to put him down" just take him along in a carrier throughout my day. I think all the points mentioned such as separation anxiety at this age and not wanting my baby to think I'm trying to "escape" from him - will really help put things into perspective (such as how it must feel to be so little and helpless and just wanting mama all day... completely normal for a baby!)

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Old 07-27-2011, 07:56 AM
 
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You absolutely are making sense!  And if I came across as saying that it didn't require some practice or as my grandmother would say "doing" to get us through this difficult stage of development, let me clarify by saying that it did take some deep breathing and relaxation techniques on my part.  For me it was worth it.  I would much rather have been working towards a good end than punishing both of us to possibly extend the period of adjustment and/or make her even more unsure and needy.  This is just what worked for me. 

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Old 07-28-2011, 10:37 AM
 
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my son is ten months and he is kind of coming out of this faze but not really lol. from what I can tell its simply seperation anxiety. even if your standing right there it still makes them nervous. they are at the age where they are starting to move around a bit and becoming more independant. but somtimes they still need home bas reasurance from mom.the clingyness can get overwelming... i know the feeling to well. but it won't last forever and before you know it he'll be dieing to get out of you are and run around. stay stong mama!


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Old 10-09-2014, 03:29 PM
 
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Ladies, I am hearing alot of what your saying and I have 5 children a 10 year old, an 8 1/2 year old, a 5 year old, an 21 month old, and a 8 month old all girls, so i have had alot of experience with this. Yes they are going through separation anxiety, and yes it is a natural part of life but there are also many ways to deal with this, depending on the way your childs personality is. I am a believer of if your changed, fed and not hurt then you are fine. You mothers I have read that only have one child or two. You have the luxury of spoiling your kids and packing them around 24/7 where is your sanity time? Every person has a limit and every persons different. My husband is a police officer, and you may not realize this but the way you cater to them now will set the mood for later on their lives. I know that you say that they are too young, but kids are master manipulaters and they start at an early age. Throwing tantrums, crying and screaming, but they do need to learn when to self soothe. If you are a helecopter parent and never let your kids work thru things they will continue to do this throughout their lives, especially if their parents are always "saving" them. It is stressful and if you are getting frusturated with holding them all the time, put them down. make sure they are in a bedroom and there is nothing that they can choke on and are safe close the door and let them cry. My husband attends many a trainings for child abuse cases, and all the time its the same thing. Dr's and therapists say "There has never been a case of a child that as died due to crying" It's a mothers natural instinct to want to STOP a child from crying. But sometimes babies just cry, overstimulation, tiredness, separation anxiety, attention, boredom, many factors play along. But if you are feeling overwhelmed and tired of packing your baby around its ok to leave them alone and cry. I have gone thru this many a time and the thing that works the best for all my kids is "Classical Conditioning" Pick up your baby when he or she is NOT crying give them alot of attention play with them when they are not screaming, and then when they are scraming make sure their basic needs are met: diaper change, hungry, not hurt. etc. if they are ok then walk away. Just as they get used to you picking them up when they cry, they will soon realize that when they dont cry they get the attention they want. Its a proven method....Babies are smarter than we think and often give them credit for. Good luck and hang in there.
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Old 10-10-2014, 09:45 AM
 
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It's important to recognize when you are feeling overwhelmed and do something that will help. At times you may need to let your baby fuss for a while, but I would limit this to brief times when you are doing something important (like using the bathroom) and, when possible, either stay where he can see you or keep talking to him reassuringly. The only time to set him down and shut the door and go far away even if he's crying, is if you feel so frustrated that you want to hurt him.

Setting limits doesn't have to mean setting arbitrary limits like "I am going to put you down for 5 minutes every hour." It can mean teaching your child to begin respecting your needs, as you have been respecting his from the beginning. It is okay to say, "I can't hold you when you're screaming. That hurts my ears." and place him at a distance from you, if you do it in a calm, firm way instead of a blaming, cold way. You also can say, "When I finish cooking lunch, then I can hold you. I need both hands to cut up the carrots." At this age he won't understand every word, but he understands much more than he can say, and you can start practicing now the things you'll be saying as he gets older. You will be setting many more limits like these in the next year or two.

So, this is mostly a problem when you're the only person around? Have people over more, and/or take him out more! One of my son's earliest and most consistent personality traits was the desire to get out among people; if a whole day goes by without our leaving the house, especially if nobody but immediate family is there and he's with only one parent for hours, he gets really agitated, clingy, and demanding. I started to notice this when he was less than a month old, and it's still noticeable approaching 10 years old, although he's now allowed to calm himself with a walk around the block or phone call to a friend.

Mom52014, do you know where you are? Have you read about the philosophy of mothering.com and Attachment Parenting? Also, do you realize that one of the things you've said basically amounts to, "I have too many children to take care of them as well as you do?"

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Old 10-10-2014, 10:30 AM
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mom52041, I see you are very new to Mothering. You might want to read our User Agreement here to understand the basis of our online community and parenting approach.

It is not okay to intentionally leave an infant to cry and here at Mothering we do not host advocacy of "crying it out" or leaving a baby to cry just to "self soothe". Here are some articles and resources for you to read so that you may understand why we hold such a stance:

Who the Heck First Thought Up the Cry it Out Approach?

There are several articles on this resources list page that explain the science and evidence behind the harm in leaving babies to cry.

There is an approach to allowing a baby to cry that some regard to be beneficial but it is not leaving a baby to cry alone. You can read more about that here: http://www.mothering.com/articles/crying-for-comfort/


Last edited by cynthia mosher; 10-10-2014 at 10:39 AM.
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