Which books best for hubby? - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 8 Old 08-01-2011, 10:32 AM - Thread Starter
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My hubby is a great dad and a sweet and gently man.  He's always been totally on board with all the AP stuff, it just seems common sense to him.


As our daughter is getting older, though, I notice him being less and less patient and more and more negative with her.  Lots of "no, don't do that" and an almost overwhelming 'helicopter' style of "don't make messes," "be careful with that," "don't pick that up, it's too heavy," "do I need to send you to your room?", "if you don't behave you won't get what you want."  etc.


I can understand the frustration as I find myself resorting to these things more often than I'd care to, but I don't think he's even aware of how much he's doing it.


She's 4.5yo and very self-assured and strong-willed.  We did a very Montessori-inspired toddlerhood with her, where she was allowed to do most things by herself, and we didn't interfere by diving in to 'help' prematurely.  So she's very confident and capable.  However, rather than letting her help, I find that he is more and more often just trying to keep her out of the way.  Or he's so busy with housework that he can't talk to her when she runs in with something exciting for him... the clothes simply MUST be folded NOW and can't wait 2 minutes to talk to her?  Or get her to help?  "I can't talk now, sweetie, I have to clean up this mess."


I'm concerned that she's going to develop a sense that housework is a CHORE to be despised, that takes time away from loved ones, rather than just a part of normal life.  


Anyway, I've read a lot online over the years about gentle discipline and peaceful parenting, so I'm a few steps ahead of DH in my knowledge of the stuff -- though I think I could use a refresher to help my own patience!  I was thinking it would be a good idea to  get some of the best books on the subject to help him change how he interacts with her.  He responds better to books than to websites or to discussions with me (simply because I'm not able to speak clearly sometimes, and besides which he needs to see the references I'm referring to!)  He was totally on board with going diaper-free and homeschooling and co-sleeping and all the alternative stuff we do, because he sees that it makes sense.  I know that he'll agree that GD makes sense too -- he just needs that reminder, that information.  


So... I know about Unconditional Parenting, Raising Our Children Raising Ourselves, Free-Range Kids, Playful Parenting, and I see a couple I'm not familiar with called Between Parent and Child, and Attached at the Heart.  Given our situation, which would you suggest?  If we had to pick, say, 3 of them?

Heather, mom to Caileigh 12/06 and aspie ADHD prodigy David 05/98 :intact lact
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#2 of 8 Old 08-01-2011, 05:01 PM
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I'd pick Playful Parenting, Becoming the Parent You Want to Be and How to Talk So Your Children Will Listen (and Listen So Your Children Will Talk). If he tends to helicopter, I'd substitute Free Range Parenting for one of these. I'd start with How to Talk... I think. 


I disliked Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves intensely and I don't know the other ones. 

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#3 of 8 Old 08-01-2011, 07:07 PM
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Unconditional Parenting

"Our task is not to see the future, but to enable it."
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#4 of 8 Old 08-02-2011, 08:51 AM
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I too recommend UP and Playful parenting . I recommend also Myrna Shures books that focus on problem solving , also Ross Greene's collaborative problem solving   I recommend checking the collaboration problem solving approach cps videos  - the web sites and blog are very helpful http://tiny.cc/0vayn


Your husband and kid have an unsolved problem and reading books won't solve the problems 


1 husband busy  - cannot relate to kid

2 husband -chores   -  does not encourage kid to participate 


check the videos and go through the process with your husband  , role play to practice or write in out 


the model  -  I have noticed that when  .........    , what's up

important to go slow and hear his concerns , summarize them

then put your concerns on the table 

and then invite him to brainstorm a mutually satisfying solution 


you might need to do the same process with husband and kid 

dad busy / kid wants his attention 


kids need to learn that sometimes are not good times to talk - solution sign lanuage that she is being noticed and dad will speak to her as soon as possible etc 

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#5 of 8 Old 08-16-2011, 02:14 PM - Thread Starter
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Those cps things look great -- looking at the presenter/author, I see he's the same guy who wrote The Explosive Child.  I read that a few years ago since my son has various 'explosive' issues and I loved loved loved it.  "Kids do well if they can" is something I try to remember all the time.  Thanks!

Heather, mom to Caileigh 12/06 and aspie ADHD prodigy David 05/98 :intact lact
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#6 of 8 Old 08-17-2011, 10:14 AM
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I third Playful Parenting. I think it tends to have the most innocuous message in terms of parenting politics, and I think the concepts are cool. Lots of examples.


I think it's the only one DH liked. He did not like "Unconditional Parenting" at all, and his aversion was very counter-productive to my "agenda." :p


I think he was also ok with "How To Talk So Your Children Will Listen..."

Mama to DD : 09/08
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#7 of 8 Old 08-21-2011, 01:21 AM
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Have you considered Positive Discipline by Dr Sears??

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#8 of 8 Old 08-21-2011, 12:17 PM
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I would go with How to Talk So Kids Will Listen because it's so practical.  For me UP was more of a theory book and it doesn't seem like that's his problem. 


BTW, I do often ask my 4.5 year old to wait just a minute to tell me something because I'm cleaning.  It is really frustrating to deal with constant interruptions and never be able to complete a task.  I don't think it's really contributing to a negative perception of housework - DD loves to help, especially if we're working together.





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