Support needed. I told my dad he wasn't welcome in my home... - Page 3 - Mothering Forums

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#61 of 66 Old 12-19-2011, 11:25 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Originally Posted by lovepickles View Post


 

Gotta love that wording ... as if YOU were OUT of the family. Ridiculous.

 

hug.gif



Basically that's how it is to my mom.  She asks me what she's supposed to do because she's supposed to cleave to her husband and support him but she doesn't like what he's doing.  But she still supports him.  'Cause she married him.

 

duh.gif


SAHM to DS BuggaBoo blahblah.gif  12/07, and DD Doozer energy.gif03/10.  Sharing life with The Hubby since 01/05.

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#62 of 66 Old 12-19-2011, 12:21 PM
 
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Did she miss the next parts of Paul's letters on the Christian household?

 

Colossians 3:19 Husbands, love your wives and do not be harsh with them.

 

Colossians 3:21 Fathers, do not embitter your children, or they will become discouraged.

 

OK, so I think that Paul's letters are rife with the culture of the times and do not interpret them as saying I need to be submissive to my husband (in fact I took the word "obey" out of our wedding vows because I hated it so much). But, if you are going to follow Paul's letters, then the father has to too.

 

Hang tough momma! You know that your dad isn't going to change. You know that your mom has a skewed view of the world from putting up with his junk all these years. You are the parent of your child. Your primary job is to keep them safe. It's not to please your parents. It's hard, I know. But you're breaking the cycle.

 

Can you block your mom's calls for a week or so until the stress of the holidays is over?


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#63 of 66 Old 12-19-2011, 06:56 PM
 
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Thank you for standing strong and breaking the cycle of abuse.

What sucks is that victims of abuse usually want, more than anything else, for the abuser to just acknowledge that what they did was wrong. And if there's a single trait that units all abusers, it's a total and utter lack of ability to take responsibility for their own actions and emotions. It's always, without fail, somebody else's fault, and therefore, it's not their own fault. There's really no reasoning with them. It's so incredibly frustrating, but that's the way it is. You can't make them stop being abusive, any more than you can stop an alcoholic from drinking. All you can control is your own reaction to them, and the best way to do that is to set boundaries -- which you're doing, beautifully. I hope you really deeply know and believe how strong you are for protecting your babies in this way. It's a breathtakingly fierce and strong act of love for your children. Hang onto that strength.


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#64 of 66 Old 12-19-2011, 06:58 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Lazurii View Post





Basically that's how it is to my mom.  She asks me what she's supposed to do because she's supposed to cleave to her husband and support him but she doesn't like what he's doing.  But she still supports him.  'Cause she married him.

 

duh.gif



 

I'm going to hazard a guess and say that it's actually because she's codependent.

By the way, here's a good list of resources about abuse. A lot of it is more about partner violence, but there's some resources about toxic or abusive parents as well: http://www.mothering.com/community/t/1130804/surviving-abuse-forum-rules-and-guidelines#post_16046822


Jen, journalist, policy wonk, and formerly a proud single mama to my sweet little man Cyrus, born at home Dec. 2007 . Now married to my Incredibly Nice Guy and new mama to baby Arthur.
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#65 of 66 Old 12-19-2011, 07:19 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Lazurii View Post



Basically that's how it is to my mom.  She asks me what she's supposed to do because she's supposed to cleave to her husband and support him but she doesn't like what he's doing.  But she still supports him.  'Cause she married him.

 

duh.gif


Sorry if I came off as insensitive. I also stopped talking to my father. Some supported me and some didn't but i found a place where I didn't need my family's support because I knew I did the right thing ... well my psychologist helped but I had already made the decision. My sister still talks to him and we have an agreement that we don't discuss him and we respect our differing opinions and find other things to discuss. We both acknowledge that we have a different relationship with him. I have my own thoughts on why she continues to speak with him but I don't put her in a position that would make it OUR issue. Our father as a topic has been blacklisted. I am also prepared emotionally for her to share life altering news with me about him, such as his death or a life debilitating illness ... to which I would respond with empathy to her about the loss of HER father as I would any friend ... but he is not my father and his topic will never again be a personal one for me.

 

So in regard to your mother she is making it an issue between the two of you and that isn't healthy. In this situation I would reinforce to your mother that you love her and care for her immensely but your father is no longer a topic for discussion. Burn that, quickly or your father will use it as a tool to manipulate you. If your mother is too weak to enforce it with your father you'll need to communicate the message through your mother that the matter is no longer open for discussion. Do not cut off your mother unless she is too far gone to respect your wish not to discuss your father. Hopefully it won't come to that but make no apologies to your mother about your father.

 

Find something NEW to do with your mother that is healthy and doesn't require any references to your father. When she brings up your father say "Hey Mom, I know you have a different relationship with Dad but I've made the decision to keep him out of my life. In order for me to hold to that I need all discussion about him to be kept out of our interaction (especially with children). I hope you understand that I want you in my life so long as that can be respected." Honestly you are helping her out too because she will no longer be used as a messenger. You might have to remind her a few times and end the conversation with love but it should sink in. That usually sounds like "Hey Mom I can't talk about dad with you or go anywhere that he is. I love you." Then change the subject or end the conversation. The trick is to have enough presence of mind to remind her that you care about her.

 

Don't be a shoulder for her to lean on regarding your father either. She may be tempted to tell you everything bad about him. Resist that urge and keep him completely OUT of your discussions.

 

hug.gif

 


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#66 of 66 Old 12-20-2011, 12:49 PM
 
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My husband's father was also verbally/emotionally abusive. At one point we know that he aimed a loaded gun at my MIL while she was sleeping. My husband made the decision that his dad wasn't going to be a part of our, or our children's life.

 

My son was born 16 months ago and we have kept our promise not to allow DH's father into his life. They have never met and hopefully never will. DH's family is not supportive of our decision, they consistently say things like "he's your father so it doesn't matter what he did to you" (Yeah--can you believe that?!) and because of that, we've basically cut them out of our life too.

 

You have to do whatever you need to do to protect your little ones because they're ultimately what is the most important. Good for you for standing up for them (since they can't do it themselves) and telling your father how it's going to be. I know that had to be incredibly difficult and probably will continue to be difficult. You're doing the right thing, even if it is hard. I'm so glad your husband agrees with you and hope that his family is supportive of you even if yours isn't.

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